I need to rant... So hurt. :(

MormonMrs1218 · July 2013

Yesterday, DH and I had our first ultrasound, because our midwife couldn't find a fetal heartbeat. It was a nerve-wracking morning for me, especially, but after everything turned out fine, we were ecstatic, especially after we saw our little Butterbean wave! We got to bring picture files home, and there is where my pain started.

My issue is with my MIL. We get along great, but ever since I've gotten pregnant, she has toned down her joy because her own daughter is still struggling with infertility. Katie and I don't get along, and she is angry that DH and I have been able to get pregnant while she has not. The night we announced our pregnancy, her words were "If you're going to tell me something I can't handle right now, just... Don't." After two-and-a-half years of infertility, I really feel for her, but the fact that she had nothing kind to say to her brother, never mind me, was infuriating.

I realize this doesn't make much sense to someone outside the situation, but it's frustrating to me that my own MIL would temper her happiness to try and please someone who so obviously needs more help than she can give from 2,000 miles away. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you deal when someone that should (in theory) be over the moon for your child looked at them and said "Cute." Are my hormones getting the best of me here?

MormonMrs1218 · July 2013

No, we thought about the best way to tell her for about two weeks. We knew it was going to be hard for her no matter what. I just sat there and didn't say anything; DH told her, and then MIL ended up talking to her for the next hour. You're right though, I shouldn't expect others to be as excited as we are. I'm lucky that my husband loves me and loves this baby. I would be happier if we were in a better situation (i.e., in a home of our own) but I have to make the best of this for now.

theseaword · July 2013

I'm a little confused, but if SIL is the one who told you she couldn't handle your news, that's perfectly understandable to me. I don't think you should be infuriated at her.

MormonMrs1218 · July 2013

My husband and I live with his mom and brother. We called Katie to tell her when it became clear that my family wanted to tell the world, and we didn't want her to find out from someone else. It wasn't a perfect situation in any case, but realistically, I don't think a perfect situation exists. She's had time now to get used to the idea, and things are somewhat better, which is why I'm frustrated about my MIL not being excited in the least.

MormonMrs1218 · July 2013

I have been in her shoes. I have also been able to be gracious to those I care about in situations where they have been blessed. I expected the same courtesy, if not to me, at least to her brother whom she loves. Was that really too much to expect?

MormonMrs1218 · July 2013

No, I didn't tell her yesterday, I told her six weeks ago! I'm sorry that wasn't clear.

MormonMrs1218 · July 2013

You're absolutely right, I'm sorry. I just don't think it's going to help.

RondackHiker · July 2013

Car seat has really good advice. Not everyone will be jumping up and down for you. That's not how everyone feels about babies, how everyone shows excitement, and certainly not something you deserve.

Also, what sort of excitement are you expecting? People to ask how you are every day and spend time each day talking about how happy they are?

I've never understood the "they're not excited for me!" thing. I've been happy for friends ad family but don't show it all the time I'm sure.

Holljade · July 2013

OP... I'm sorry your feeling hurt. Pregnancy is exciting!!! You think if anyone is going to be excited for you, it would be family. Unfortch, you SIL is going through something tough and isn't able to feel joy for you. It sucks, I get it. Her situation sucks too.

I don't think either of you are wrong in this situation. You both feel hurt, and there's really no solution. I don't really have any advice, but try to stay positive. You can't change how other people react and feel. Go to your family and your hubs to feel uplifted. Maybe give your SIL and MIL some space if they aren't able to be happy for you. You're allowed to be excited for your pregnancy, don't let anyone make you feel bad about it

Congrats and cheers to a happy and healthy pregnancy!

EmR22 · July 2013

You can and should be excited. But you need to understand that SIL and MIL may be happy for you but I imagine it is like a knife to their hearts everytime they they talk/see you. I have not struggled with fertility but even just waiting a few months to get a positive is hard, so I can only imagine what they are going through. I think you and DH need to continue on and be happy but understand that they may be happy for you but deep down they are hurting. Be sensitive.

ceh789 · July 2013

MormonMrs1218 said:

I have been in her shoes.

Have you really? Do you know, with absolute certainty, that you had the exact same experience? I feel pretty confident that you don't. You have NO IDEA what her last 6 weeks have been like - infertility is a freaking roller coaster that exhausts you with crushing your hopes over and over and over. I had a friend tell me about her pregnancy the *same day* I scheduled a D&C for my 3rd MC - I suspect that literally ripping my heart out of my chest would have been less painful. Did I eventually get past it and celebrate her baby? Of course I did - but it took time.

Give your family some time. They're excited but it's hard when they're also in pain.

beachcomberbride · July 2013

If I didn't misread your original post, it sounded to me like you were upset with your MIL, not your SIL. You want your MIL to be more excited and not "dampering" her excitement, right? I understand where you're coming from - it's one thing for the SIL to be upset and hurting, but the MIL could definitely put more effort into being excited for you and for her son. Just my two cents.

MormonMrs1218 · July 2013

You're absolutely right. Thank you!

MormonMrs1218 · July 2013

My husband and I discussed this today. All my life, my family has gotten happy and excited over babies, weddings, birthdays, you name it! It's what I'm used to. I realize now, that I've been spoiled somewhat, but my husband is the same way I am. Ever since we've gotten married, all my MIL could talk about was when we would get pregnant. Now we're pregnant and... nothing. It's just another life event. It is disappointing.

MormonMrs1218 · July 2013

I can (and will) get over being disappointed, this certainly isn't the first time. I just needed a sounding board and some good advice to help me see things differently. Thank you all for being kind. I realize that my situation and SIL's aren't the same, and our relationship needs a lot of work. I will do my best to be loving and supportive, but neither my husband or I are going to temper our joy; this child has been a long time coming! As difficult as it is for me to realize and admit, my MIL is not a particularly effusive woman when it comes to her emotions, unlike my own mom. I need to realize too, that she is worried for me, that I might miscarry, since getting pregnant was so difficult for us. I'm sure when the baby arrives, happy and healthy, then she will rejoice. If not, I'm sure you will all read about it. Thanks for letting me rant.

lrj85 · July 2013

like some PP have said no one is excited about your baby the way you are. I think managing expectations are important. On the other hand I have had some comments from people close to me that are suffering from infertility that are just plain painful to hear and sometimes just insulting. I just give them a wide berth and realize their bitterness has very little to do with me but an inappropriate reaction because they are hurting. I hope you can be happy with your husband and your SIL finds some solace soon.

Avion22 · July 2013

We told both sets of parents last weekend, and their response was underwhelming. My mother later told me that she really is excited and happy for us, but after our miscarriage last year she is just really guarded because she doesn't want to see us get hurt again, and she doesn't want to feel hurt again (it reminded her of a miscarriage she had before becoming pregnant with me). And I get that.

So, maybe your SIL's infertility has weighed heavily on your MIL's mind in different ways that you don't really understand, and she's just guarding her emotions to protect herself.

lkharkins · July 2013

I totally understand what you are going through. When I was pregnant the first time around I had a similar situation with my sister. At that time my sister had only been trying to get pregnant for a several months, however it ended up taking her 4 years to get pregnant. When I told her my news she was rude and then made rude comments on facebook about it. I was crushed. I knew she was not going to be jumping for joy over the news. However, she's my sister, my best friend, my family and I had expected more from her. It's been years, we've moved past it and she loves my daughter, but it took a while. I got pregnant relatively easy again this time around and she did better with the news this time because she has a baby of her own, but she is still a little distant when it comes to my pregnancy and I respect that.

All I can tell you is, yes it sucks and I'm sorry you have to feel the way that you do right now. Give your SIL and MIL time, it will all sort itself out. Hugs.

EML2011 · July 2013

Unless you've truly experienced infertility you have no idea what you SIL is going through. If you think you're having a hard time, multiply that by 100. That's closer to how your SIL feels. Your MIL is probably very torn... Happy for you, but devastated at the pain your SIL is feeling. Give them both time. Your entire pregnancy will be difficult for your SIL so don't expect her to volunteer to plan your shower or anything like that. And please do NOT complain about your pregnancy symptoms to (or within earshot of) your SIL.

Good luck. Infertility is not easy for anyone (including family and friends that are affected). Hopefully in time she will be happy for you and your DH.

PrimRoseMama · July 2013

MormonMrs1218 said: My husband and I live with his mom and brother. We called Katie to tell her when it became clear that my family wanted to tell the world, and we didn't want her to find out from someone else. It wasn't a perfect situation in any case, but realistically, I don't think a perfect situation exists. She's had time now to get used to the idea, and things are somewhat better, which is why I'm frustrated about my MIL not being excited in the least.

You told her yesterday and you're saying that things are already somewhat better. Give her a break.

Your MIL is hurting for her daughter and last night her daughter needed her shoulder to cry on more than you needed her to jump up and down for you. Give her a break, too.

I agree with Car Seat. Give your SIL a break. You sound really really really self-centered and lacking in compassion for someone going through a hard time. That is not attractive. Congrats and all, but its really kind of bratty to expect everyone on earth to bust out the noisemakers, confetti and trumpets just because you are KTFU. Other people have lives, struggles and stuff too. You aren't the center of the universe. Be happy for you and worry about you. I wouldn't be "infuriated" because someone else is going through a rough time in their life. Yuck.

Tally06 · July 2013

Is it possible that your MIL is not intentionally and purposefully suppressing her excitement out of respect for her daughter but instead her excitement is also mixed with feelings of sadness that her daughter is experiencing and so she is not as exuberant as you might have hoped?

Maybe she is excited for her son but sad for her daughter and is trying to balance both feelings. That is a tough spot to be in and I feel bad for her. Give the poor woman a break.

MormonMrs1218 · July 2013

As I mentioned earlier, I told her six weeks ago, not yesterday. And yes, we were actively trying to get pregnant all that time, so I think I have a handle on just how heartbreaking infertility can be. Granted, I put myself out there and posted this, but I really resent being told what a bitch I'm being for being happy that I'm pregnant. I'm not going to say anything more about it, but there are things about mine and SIL's relationship that I don't think can ever be fixed, no matter how much time I give her, some of which are my fault, others which are not. In any case, she is 2,000 miles away and won't speak to me except at Christmas, so that makes it really hard to get chummy.
It's a big, complicated situation, and I couldn't explain it if I had a year, but enough is enough. I didn't expect to be raked across the coals on here; that's my fault for not explaining myself well enough. Think what you will, it serves me right. I'll stick to crochet patterns and nursery colors from now on, or whatever it is we're discussing.

PrimRoseMama · July 2013

I'm confused, both you and your SIL had struggles with infertility? Because your original post made it sound like you have gotten pregnant easily and she is still struggling. So, how can you know what it means to struggle with IF?

I've never struggled with IF. However, 6 weeks doesn't sound like ample time to be "over it" as your tone implies.

No one called you a bitch, by the way. You just sound like you are really lacking in compassion for a member of your family. That isn't terribly attractive. You don't seem to realize how your posts come across to your audience here. You don't sound very nice at all and no amount of "history" will excuse the foot stomping, temper tantrum "it's all about meeeeeeee!" Vibe you are putting off.

You are happy for you. Your MIL is happy for you and probably sad for her daughter. She is allowed to feel that way. You kind of need to get over yourself. Sorry.

EML2011 · July 2013

There is a big deference between "actively trying" and infertility. I held back a lot on my post and didn't think any of the other posters were overly harsh. Grow up.

Meery82 · July 2013

I don't think you're being a bitch. I can understand that you would be disappointed in their reactions, especially MIL. I would have been, too. But just keep in mind that this is going to be very hard on your SIL and people handle grief in different ways.

Teresa1896 · August 2013

I just want to add that you are taking this situation personally when it really has nothing to do with you. MIL and SIL are probably both mourning the fact that SIL has not experienced what you have. Of course they will be happy for you and love your baby, but it takes time to overcome their own feelings. You have what your SIL wants more than anything. Give her a break.

rowanthefrog · August 2013

As someone who has had multiple m/c, I can actually see exactly where your SIL is coming from. Its too late now, but it would have been much better to email her ahead of time and let her know the news was coming so she didn't have to deal with her feelings in front of everyone.

Yes, its hard for you that she's not excited and MIL is (rightfully) being supportive of her. But if you haven't dealt with infertility/m/c then you have NO clue how difficult it is as person after person announces their pregnant. Its like a stab in the heart every time.

Most people simply don't realize how difficult those moments can be. It's done and there isn't much you can do to take it back, but I would do your best not to let yourself feel too hurt about the situation and find someone else to have baby talk with.

A

RedPeppah · August 2013

MIL shouldn't damper her feelings for the news, but i don't know if waiting or being in a group setting would have made SIL's reaction any different. Its not easy to approach that situation, so I don't have much advice. I would have told her individually as you did, b/c I know if I was in the struggle I would want to be able to break down without an audience if I felt I had to.

beccam1230 · August 2013

So, I'm reading all these and everyone has a point... Your sister in law has a right to be upset and I understand why your mil might be discouraged about her daughter not being able to be in your situation.. But I don't really blame you for being upset about her reaction (your mil, not sil). While her daughter has very sadly had trouble with fertility, she should be excited and show her happiness for you and her son. Her daughter is not the only person in the family that matters. When we told my mil, she seemed almost indifferent because its clear that her daughter is the favorite between her and my husband and its almost like our child wont matter as much to her since the baby isnt her daughter's. It made me mad.
I'm not in any way trying to demean your sil's trouble.. While I haven't been through what she has, I'm very close to some people who are currently struggling and it just rips them apart to hear news like this and I pray for them every day.
Enjoy your pregnancy, it's wonderful and exciting! Don't let their reactions downplay your excitement.. Congratulations!

MormonMrs1218 · August 2013

Hi, everyone.
Yesterday, someone posted something along the lines of "there is nothing you could say to make me believe you are a nice person." I know I could quote it, but I don't want to see it again.

I prayed last night, a lot, to try and understand where my feelings are coming from. It doesn't matter. What does matter is that I am called to transcend anger, jealousy, past hurts and misunderstanding, and to act in a loving manner to all those I meet. I don't want any of you to think "There was this LDS girl on a message board I read once; she was a total witch; are all LDS jerks like that?" or whatever.

I've come to realize, more deeply than I'd like, that we all have scars. Some of us, like me, have survived years of abuse, and come out on the other side, where love was finally waiting.

Others, like Katie, have never known verbal or physical abuse, but her struggle is staring her in the face, day by day right now, and is no less painful than anything I have ever had to face.

Some of you have had multiple m/c's, and yet you keep trying, keep hoping. I don't know that I could. You are stronger than I.

I firmly believe in the power of prayer, and in Heavenly Father's infinite capacity for miracles. I am going to start praying for my SIL, that she will experience a miracle. I want a better relationship with her, and I have to believe that, in time, it will happen.

I hope you all can forgive me for being petty. I am sorry.

nenyibabs · August 2013

I DO NOT think you are petty. And for God's sake, you dont need to apologise for your feelings, please dont let anyone tell you that you should not feel the way you feel. One can only control what you do with your feelings, but sometimes you cant help feeling the way you do.

For instance, you made it clear that you told SIL 6weeks in advance,Im sure you did that so as not to take her unawares. That was considerate of you, you tried not to hurt her feelings. Infertility of any sort is a harrowing experience; I know of someone who would burst out wailing when ever anyone announced her pregnancy around her. But we knew that the tears was because, she was sad about her situation, not that she wasnt happy for the expectant mother. We always knew she was happy for the couple, just that she wanted hers too, and it wasnt coming as planned. Whether you told your SIL or not, the bump isnt going to vanish,she will know sooner or later, and it was ok that you told her on time so that she could deal with it in her own way. And 6 weeks is enough time to be gracious, and pretend not to hate your brother and his expectant wife; besides, how does the hatred and bile help with your own conception?

About your MIL, her daughter is her child, and so is her son. Her son is having a baby. Please,people,lets be realistic here: she could have shown a little enthusiasm. She's expecting a grandchild from her son,its ok to be happy for them. The only reason she would be catty is because she has a problem with you or her son, and in that case, its her problem, not yours.

Having said all that: Im shocked at the venom on this thread. This is my 1st time on this site, and this is the 1st post Im viewing, I havnt even put up my profile yet, and Im physically hit by the remarks to this post. Or, is this a preview of what to expect?

RondackHiker · August 2013

nenyibabs said:
I DO NOT think you are petty. And for God's sake, you dont need to apologise for your feelings, please dont let anyone tell you that you should not feel the way you feel. One can only control what you do with your feelings, but sometimes you cant help feeling the way you do.

For instance, you made it clear that you told SIL 6weeks in advance,Im sure you did that so as not to take her unawares. That was considerate of you, you tried not to hurt her feelings. Infertility of any sort is a harrowing experience; I know of someone who would burst out wailing when ever anyone announced her pregnancy around her. But we knew that the tears was because, she was sad about her situation, not that she wasnt happy for the expectant mother. We always knew she was happy for the couple, just that she wanted hers too, and it wasnt coming as planned. Whether you told your SIL or not, the bump isnt going to vanish,she will know sooner or later, and it was ok that you told her on time so that she could deal with it in her own way. And 6 weeks is enough time to be gracious, and pretend not to hate your brother and his expectant wife; besides, how does the hatred and bile help with your own conception?

About your MIL, her daughter is her child, and so is her son. Her son is having a baby. Please,people,lets be realistic here: she could have shown a little enthusiasm. She's expecting a grandchild from her son,its ok to be happy for them. The only reason she would be catty is because she has a problem with you or her son, and in that case, its her problem, not yours.

Having said all that: Im shocked at the venom on this thread. This is my 1st time on this site, and this is the 1st post Im viewing, I havnt even put up my profile yet, and Im physically hit by the remarks to this post. Or, is this a preview of what to expect?

It seems like she already dislikes bro and his wife. They don't chat or get along. Why should she jump up and down?

And the original poster already said that she's used to her family going nuts and flipping out. That may not be MIL's style. Not everyone shows excitement in the same way. Not everyone jumps up and down till the mom is out of first tri.

The big point is that she doesn't "deserve" hysterical excitement. That's just silly. It's silly to be infuriated that you don't get it. A bit hurt I could understand, as long as she didn't act on it and realizes she had too high expectations.

And if you're "physically hit" by remarks some strangers made to another stranger, you really need thicker skin. Do arguments in public bother you as well?

Tally06 · August 2013

nenyibabs said:

About your MIL, her daughter is her child, and so is her son. Her son is having a baby. Please,people,lets be realistic here: she could have shown a little enthusiasm. She's expecting a grandchild from her son,its ok to be happy for them. The only reason she would be catty is because she has a problem with you or her son, and in that case, its her problem, not yours.

Having said all that: Im shocked at the venom on this thread. This is my 1st time on this site, and this is the 1st post Im viewing, I havnt even put up my profile yet, and Im physically hit by the remarks to this post. Or, is this a preview of what to expect?

1. She didn't say that her MIL showed no excitement or that she was catty. She is upset that her MIL is not jumping up and down with joy and squealing with excitement because MIL's excitement has been "dampened" due to MIL's sadness over her daughter's pain and infertility. For some reason the OP can't understand this.

2. If you think that this thread is venomous you are in for a rude awakening. It doesn't sound like this is the site for you.

JennyVinny · August 2013

I struggled with infertility for several years as well and can tell you that it is like a knife in the heart every time someone else tells you they are pregnant. When my brother announced he and his wife were expecting I locked myslef in the bathroom and sobbed.

Give it some time, they will come around. Think happy thoughts, you do not need to be stressed.

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I need to rant... So hurt. :(

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