perspective on this "I have a DH problem"?
SunAndRain
member
My relationship between DH’s best friend and friend’s wife is extremely strained. There is a long history here dating back about 5 years. Things became irreconcilable when DH and I purchased our current home 1.5 years ago and didn’t use the wife as our relator. DH’s friend gave him a tremendous guilt trip and the wife completely stopped speaking to me, walking past me as if I were a ghost.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
This past weekend we had a small party and DH’s friend showed up to our door, I opened the door and he breezed past me, barely acknowledging my presence. This was in MY home!
I have had many discussions with DH about how he tolerates their treatment of me and how were the tables turned I would NEVER permit my friends to treat him poorly. I have laid out to DH how inappropriate it is of them to think they get to control our decisions, and then when things don’t go their way the husband guilts DH as if he has done anything wrong. DH didn’t disagree with me. Where is the “friendship” that comes is the shape of being happy for someone even though you don’t personally gain anything from it?
DH has been friends with them for 15+ years. He has always overlooked their shortcomings; fair enough, no one is perfect. But they are miserable people who take satisfaction in putting others down.
Ultimately I told DH that I just disappointed that I am married to someone who doesn’t have my back. Harsh? Yes. But I had no choice but to accept that DH will continue to be friends with this guy. I really thought I could just go on accepting that DH won’t stand up for me, or himself for that matter! But, as it turns out, I don’t think I can. I no longer want him or the wife in my home. WHY should I welcome someone in to my home who treats me like crap? Unfortunately we have a circle of mutual friends. SO that does mean it’ll be impossible for me to never see them anyway.
I have no idea where to go from here. Counseling is an option, yes, but I’m not sure what the objective would even be?
Any advice would be appreciated.
Re: perspective on this "I have a DH problem"?
I would say people that come into your home and disrespect you there should not be surprised they're taken off the guest list int he future. Tell DH he can hang out with them individually, but that you should not have to be treated that way in your safe haven, and that in the future in mixed company you hope he would have your back.
DH has a friend that is a jerk, and I am happy to say she was and will never be invited to anything because DH sees her toxicity for what it is. I am fine with them talking, although because of how she's been to me in the past, he's not interested in staying in close contact with her. Furthermore, I think he takes pride in being the "man" in the relationship and would not allow anyone to ever treat me badly in his presence.
I don't know if there's much that you can do since your DH is fine with the way the situation is. It is your DH's home too so for you to not want them in your home and your DH does...well.... The big question is this the hill you want to die on with your husband? How often do you see this friend? If it is here and there, I'd let it go and focus your energy on the friends who are amazing and ignore this couple.
Dumb realtors. I have heard of this happening to way too many friends. There seems to be an expectation amongst majority realtors that if you're friends that you should use them. However, I've learned that a lot of people don't like to use friends for business transactions. Goes both ways, I guess, but the wife realtor shouldn't have been offended. However, your DH or you should have told her in advance that you were buying and weren't going to use her.
Why did they show up for the party? Did your DH invite them?
If you have to be in mixed company with them, I would simply ignore them. But if they show up unannounced to your house, and they won't speak to you...honestly I think I would walk up to them and tell them hello and if they refused to answer you then I would tell them to leave to their face, and your DH should back you up. This may be dramatic but who acts like that?
This is a huge DH problem. It doesn't sound like he disagrees with you, it just sounds like he's too scared of making a scene to do anything about it.
I would be FURIOUS. FURIOUS. Um - you AND DH bought a house, correct? You AND DH used another realtor, correct?
So why on earth are you, ALONE, taking their $hit? Why did your DH get a "get out of jail" free card on this?
Seriously. I would be furious. I don't know what you can "do" to get through your DHs thick head, but I'd have read him the riot act the first time this $hit happened.
And no- they would not be welcome in my home while they treat me like crap and my DH gets away unscathed. He's REALLY picking "Friends" like this over you? Say a LOT about his character.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I can't change DH. And I'm not going to leave him over this. He is a great husband in all other ways. We have had numerous conversations over the years which is why I finally resolved myself to the fact that he will never stand up to them onto behalf. It makes me sad and I'm disappointed and i don't respect him for it. I clearly explained all this to him. He wasn't happy to hear it. But I'm not going to suffer silently.
Maybe there is no resolution.
But I suppose I can and should refuse to have them in our home and... Tell DH that if he goes to a group function of theirs to which I wasn't invited that he can sleep elsewhere?
I really believe that my husband is making our lives harder than it needs to be by staying friends with these jerks. Yeah, I'm not happy with this part of his character.
So, wait. You don't get invited to stuff they throw and your DH doesn't seem to 'get it' why you dont' want them in your house?
Oy. No, this isn't something I could see leaving my DH over either. BUT - he'd be dealing w/ a b1tch of a wife anytime this issues came up.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
THis is the other thing too- this isn't an "either/or" issue. He doesn't need to "confront" them, no one needs to be combative.
This needs to be your DH saying to them "Look- she's my wife. She AND I chose another realtor. If you're going to hate her, you have to hate me too. We're a team. " and when it comes to events in your home and if they "call him out" on not being invited, all it needs to be is a simple statement of "people who don't treat either myself or my wife w/ respect aren't invited to our home".
It's not confrontation. It's about showing them you're a team and it's about simply stating the truth.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If couples are there, it's really weird that he goes alone. Really weird. I would actually not allow that. What are they doing at those events? Introducing him to her single friends?
Next time that happens, he (or you if you're going to let him off the hook) should call them up and ask if this is a guys thing (where the friend's wife and other wives isn't involved) or if it's a wives and girlfriends thing.
If they say you aren't invited, then that is the perfect opportunity to talk to them heart to heart and try to clear the air, despite the fact that they don't deserve the consideration.
We did try to reconcile but our relationship was always strained after that. As I said, it became irreconcilable after we didn't use her services.
Maybe she is mad that I didn't talk to her directly. Maybe I should have to keep the peace. Realistically she would have found another reason to be mad at me so I felt it wasn't worth my time. And when DH spoke to his friend he gave him all sorts of crap. He even went as far to tell DH that it isn't about the money, it is that he didn't talk to him about it. My point exactly: it is none of his business!!
No, they are not my problem. DH is.