If you chose adoption before IUI/IVF...

jackieo1309 · July 2013

Did you ever think about going back to try treatments during the wait? We just finished our homestudy update, but I'm feeling totally overwhelmed lately. When we first started “waiting” I was really optimistic and ready to be patient; we were more relaxed than we had been in 2 years. We were lucky enough to be contacted only a month into waiting, but after that 4-month roller coaster that didn't end well I just feel like I haven't been able to hold it together. We've been contacted 9 times now- a few scams, a few women really early in pregnancy and the messages just stopped eventually. Every time we get a message from a potential birthmom now I'm not even really excited- just scared at how much it will hurt when it falls though, because it always does. I think my immature BIL and his now-fiancee having the first grandbaby of the family last month only made me more impatient and sensitive. I dealt with a lot of the infertility pain before we decided on adoption, and I was in a pretty good place. But this just brought everything back (especially since we went through half of her pregnancy while “matched”, thinking we would be parents around the same time). I just feel stressed all the time and just completely unmotivated about everything. I don't feel like this is making me a better person anymore. I feel like I have to constantly put on a fake smile and pretend like everything's okay because none of my family or friends really understand what this is like. They might ask if we have a match yet, or if there are “any updates”, but no one ever just asks me how I'm doing. If I give any indication that I'm having a hard time with waiting they'll just ask if I'm “going back on the hormones” or tell me about some random fertility article they read online.

DH thinks we should consider IUI because something has to change, although he ultimately leaves it up to me (we have “unexplained infertility” and had 4 failed rounds of clomid but didn't go any further). Obviously nothing is guaranteed with that path either, but I'm just feeling more and more hopeless with how things have gone so far. Right now I just can't even picture a good outcome, unless we were to get a call tomorrow that our baby was already born. When we eventually do get contacted by our child's birthmom, I don't know how I'm going to have the strength to build a relationship with her with all the fears I have now. And considering most of our contacts have been from within NY (a 30-day revocation state) I can't imagine how I'm going to get through those first 30 days either. I feel like this is just tearing me apart, and I'm going to be a terrible mother when it's all over.

Has anyone here restarted fertility treatments after waiting for a while? Or thought about it? I don't know that I would be at all ready for IVF, but my doctor before seemed “hopeful” that IUI would work. The thing is, I still really want to adopt. We talked about adopting before we experienced infertility, and it's still something we are passionate about. I love being part of this adoption world. We also already have $10k in our agency (though we could be "on hold" if we did get pregnant). I just feel like restarting treatments would be “giving up”, and I hate feeling like that. I never give up on anything, but I feel like I just can't keep my head above water right now. We knew this wouldn't be easy, but when you first start the process it's hard to imagine it being this hard or taking this long. And the changes in our family this year have only made it that much harder. Sorry for this rambling post, I just really need to hear some others' experiences and opinions from people who understand how hard the wait can be.

mtendere · July 2013

I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time right now. I'm in a very different situation, but as we investigated and learned more and more about adoption, we also really considered embryo donation/adoption - something I never thought I'd consider. Chances for IUI or IVF with my eggs were slim (DOR) so it was easier to rule those out, but since i carried a pregnancy successfully before, all of a sudden I found myself going there in my thoughts. It took us many months to figure out which way to go and sometimes we still have plenty of second thoughts.

All of that is just to say that it's a tough road and I think it's completely normal to go back and forth and second guess decisions. What you should not do is make a decision either way based on your sense of failure or need to prove a point (that you will endure anything to adopt). What is important is to take an inventory, take some time and think about where you are and the implications of whatever path you choose. There are no easy answers or sure things in this IF world and the whatifs are sometimes the hardest thing to think about.

You have my support no matter what direction you choose.

Dr.Loretta · July 2013

I never thought about doing treatments again, because I'd had 3 m/c's, and frankly, a +HPT scares the crap out of me. I did have moments where I wondered if we were "meant" to be child-free though. I think it's perfectly normal to second-guess

[Deleted User] · July 2013

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jackieo1309 · July 2013

marshmallowevening said:

I understand how you feel! I have 3 siblings who have all had a baby within the last year, and so far I am still childless. It really sucks sometimes. It sounds like most of your support system is really not being supportive. I'm really sorry.

I don't think it would be "giving up" to restart treatments. Does your agency allow you to do treatments at the same time as waiting? I personally wouldn't want to do treatments if that meant I lost my investment in the adoption process (if the treatments didn't work and I went back to adoption, I wouldn't want to have to restart from scratch). However, if the agency was okay with it (I know mine makes you pick one or the other) and if treatments didn't work and I could pick back up where I left off, it would be something I'd consider.

FWIW, for me, IUIs were a little tough but not too invasive. If we hadn't had to buy donor sperm, it would have been maybe $700-800/cycle which isn't that expensive in the grand scheme of the adoption and infertility world. If I had to do it again, I would have listened to the RE and lost about 15 pounds before I tried, though (my clinic really wanted you within the "normal" BMI- not below OR above).

Our agency will allow you to put your profile "on hold", so we could pick back up where we left off with just a homestudy update (and probably a fee of some kind) but we wouldn't need to completely start over. So we would be able to restart the process if the treatments failed or for a possible 2nd child if we were to get pregnant. We still really want to adopt at some point. I just never imagined feeling this way and actually considering the treatments again. I'm also worried though that if we did try IUI and it failed that I would just be in a worse place than I am now.

Thanks for all the replies

aligross · July 2013

I really think that living the path of infertility is the single hardest thing I have had to go through in my lifetime. When we found out about our infertility it was honestly a no brainer as to what our next step to create our family was going to be.

Honestly, after talking with people who are in the infertility path I honestly think that it is harder when it is "unexplained infertility". For us we have a reason, the WHY is answered, there are no questions about it. The husband is sterile, like zero swimmers found the 4 times they tested him! We could have tried a testicular biopsy but we chose not to because there is a 1% chance we would find swimmer.... we could do a sperm donor and have talked about doing it for a our second one but we are confident in the adoption for our first.

It would be a tough choice if I were in your shoes. Without an explanation I think I would go insane... constantly asking the question of why and what if.... Whatever your decision it will be the right one for you!

T&P

kva11isho · July 2013

I feel like there are days (and weeks) when I could have posted the same exact thing as you have here. And then, suddenly I'll feel hopeful and happy about the whole thing! It makes no sense.

I've always been a pretty happy, positive person, but our infertility and adoption journey have definitely worn me down. It has been a roller coaster ride since the begining, and I'm constantly asking myself if we should try "just one" treatment cycle. Lately we've been considering donor sperm, but I don't know if DH will ever be on board with that. If he's not, then I'm not - no questions asked.

I feel guilty too when I start considering treatment. I don't want to "give up" on our adoption, but I definitely question if it's the right path for us constantly. I read somewhere that there is a constant "hum of anxiety" in the background of all adoption processes, and now I totally understand and agree with that. I totally understand feeling crazy all the time, and I have days when I've considered talking to my doctor about how I feel. I've read about people needing anxiety or depression meds for a short time while dealing with infertility. Not that I'm RECOMMENDING that, but the bottom line is that you have to do what is right for you.

For me, I know that my mood swings stem from my impatience. When we don't recieve communication from our agency for a while or I feel like we aren't making progress, that's when my mind starts to wander. I have to remind myself that we really COULD have a child in our arms with adoption faster than we could if we tried treatment at this point. I constantly revisit our decision to persue treatment. For us, the importance wasn't on being pregnant (that's only temporary, anyway) it was on becoming parents.

I hope that you find some comfort and hope, soon!

Good luck!

StormyEyez · July 2013

We also have unexplained infertility. We always said if we couldn't have kids, then we would adopt. So far, it has been hard for us to know when the point is that's it's official we can't have kids. Like you, we tried several rounds of clomid with no luck. We decided to try an IUI before going forward with adoption plans. We did one and it failed, and the doctor recommended 3 tries before giving up. So we did 2 total failed IUIs and the doctor changed her mind and decided that there wasn't much hope in a 3rd succeeding and we should move onto IVF. We went to an IVF consultation and decided that it was too much to take on at that time and we would research adoption while we considered further treatments.

With adoption we knew we would spend about the same amount financially, have no medical procedures, and be guaranteed a child in the end, so we moved on to that and grew to be very excited about it. We talked to an agency about domestic adoption and because of the stories of things falling through, we just wanted something more stable, and moved our focus to IA from China. The downside is a long wait, but after a few years, we will have our child. We are both so excited about adoption and know we will have at least one adopted child.

We have completed all of the paperwork and are just in the waiting phase now. With our agency, we are allowed to pursue other adoptions, either domestic or other countries, and we are also allowed to have a pregnancy, but in that case, we would be on hold for 6 months so there is not a chance of two infants at the same time. We would like to have more than one child, and now that we are doing nothing but waiting, it is getting to us.

We are trying to figure out what the next course of action is for us and really are not sure what to do. IVF seemed like something we just didn't want to do, but I guess we have not 100% accepted that we will never have biological children. We decided to take a step back, focus on getting healthier, doing some work on the house, a lot of prayer, and then in December we will come back together and look at all the options and decide what we feel we are most drawn to do in 2014.

Thinking of you... as a PP mentioned, this is just such a trying journey!

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