PgAL moms.. loss addressed @ shower

lamo1210 · July 2013

My sisters are throwing me a baby shower and thankfully held off on one until later in the pregnancy like I asked. At 26 weeks I just started now feeling comfortable with them officially planning it and giving them a list of ppl to invite. Anyways, I was talking with my sister on the phone today and the

"theme" is a surprise and I get that but I mentioned how I would like my two losses known in some way during the shower. Something little like acknowledge that this LO is our rainbow baby. My sister told me I have no say in the shower. I'm not asking her to revolve the whole shower around this, it would just mean a lot to me to acknowledge the losses.

How do I get my point across that it would mean a lot to me to do so? Without sounding b!tchy, which I am trying not to.

ETA: I am not looking into saying hey guys just so you all remember I had two miscarriages!

doublefiesta · July 2013

Wow, it was quite rude of your sister to say you have no say in the shower. She could have just said, I'll see what I can do.

I've had a previous loss, too, so I can see wanting to acknowledge your angel babies. Would you be happy with saying a few words about them when you make a speech? I've never been to a shower where m/c's were brought up, but I have been to weddings where the couple would acknowledge deceased parents/grandparents in speeches and in the program.

dufferoo · July 2013

As opposed to trying to talk your sister into something she's obviously not comfortable with, why don't YOU just acknowledge your losses at the shower? Maybe after you open your gifts, make a little thank you speech and mention the rainbow baby thing.

SingleMom31 · July 2013

I'm sorry for your losses. I'm not sure I'd bring it up at a shower though. I could see it being awkward - like in the middle of this very happy event, you're discussing a very somber topic. If I were a guest, I'm not sure what I'd really say bc nothing sounds appropriate - like "I'm sorry again, but thankfully you didn't lose this one too" seems weird, but just acknowledging your losses without saying something about currently being happy seems equally weird. Kwim?

EastCoastBride · July 2013

SingleMom31 said:

I'm sorry for your losses. I'm not sure I'd bring it up at a shower though. I could see it being awkward - like in the middle of this very happy event, you're discussing a very somber topic. If I were a guest, I'm not sure what I'd really say bc nothing sounds appropriate - like "I'm sorry again, but thankfully you didn't lose this one too" seems weird, but just acknowledging your losses without saying something about currently being happy seems equally weird. Kwim?

THis is where I fall. I think a shower would be an odd place to bring this up.

thatoneredhead · July 2013

I think a mom can grieve and/or celebrate any of her children, here or not, whenever she pleases.

I havent had a loss, but if I saw someone mention it at a shower, I wouldnt be uncomfortable. I dont think it's about dwelling on a somber thing. That's what is hard about MC. They were very real to the mother, and yet she doesnt have alot of opportunity to publicly remember her babies. She didnt get to celebrate them in that way and would like to include them. Not weird to me.

Anyhoo, your sister was kind of a brat to say that, especially when it is such an emotional issue. Talk to your mom. Maybe it doesnt even have to be public. Maybe it can even be a private thing that only you and your family would get.

74dragonfly · July 2013

I would mention them in your speech. I think that is the best way.

RibbitGrl930 · July 2013

Agree with PPs. If your sisters are not willing/able to include your other babies in the shower for you, there is nothing saying you cannot pay tribute to them in some way. Mentioning them in a speech would be just fine, I think.

Cranang · July 2013

Here's my thing...I obviously had a loss and during my shower for my second child, it was a time of celebration. I didn't want to bring it up because everyone was well aware of what had happened. I didn't want to bring the dark cloud that was already hanging over my head into the party. I guess it's different with miscarriages v. a stillbirth, but I was just sharing my experience. And really, what would you say? I know everyone grieves differently but I would feel a little uncomfortable...it just seems like a really private thing.

cinderin · July 2013

I agree with the PPs. If you really want it brought up, you should bring it up.

jencnh · July 2013

I wonder if your sister brushed you off because she had already planned something to honor the babies but didn't want you to know what???? Not sure if this could be a possibility????

kelle017 · July 2013

Estwd2 said:

Hmmm, tough one. I've never experienced a loss, but I can see how you would want some mention at the shower. But keep in mind that while you may be comfortable with that, a lot of other people will not be. IMO, guests should always be made as comfortable as possible, and it's your sister's job as hostess to make sure they're comfortable. I'm guessing she's one of the people that would be uncomfortable with it and she's looking out for your guests' comfort, as she should be. I'd personally back off on the idea, but if it truly means a lot to you, you could do what PPs have suggested and mention them in your thank you speech. Just try to prepare yourself that some guests may be uncomfortable and it may result in a change of mood.

I kind of feel this way. I had 2 early losses, but won't be mentioning them at my shower. If I did though I would just say something in a thank you speech, something along the lines of "I wasn't sure this day would get here after losing the other pregnancies, but I'm thankful and appreciative of all your love and support etc...."

michrocc · July 2013

thatoneredhead said:

I think a mom can grieve and/or celebrate any of her children, here or not, whenever she pleases.

I havent had a loss, but if I saw someone mention it at a shower, I wouldnt be uncomfortable. I dont think it's about dwelling on a somber thing. That's what is hard about MC. They were very real to the mother, and yet she doesnt have alot of opportunity to publicly remember her babies. She didnt get to celebrate them in that way and would like to include them. Not weird to me.

Anyhoo, your sister was kind of a brat to say that, especially when it is such an emotional issue. Talk to your mom. Maybe it doesnt even have to be public. Maybe it can even be a private thing that only you and your family would get.

This.

Crispity · July 2013

I had 3 first trimester losses and went through years of fertility treatment before having my DD. On the day of my shower, my mom and I cried together (in private before the shower started) about how special this day was, because we weren't sure that it would ever come. I still think about what we went through every.single.day, and I give thanks for my beautiful daughter.

I totally get wanting to have your losses acknowledged, but agree with PP that the shower is probably not the place to do it. It will likely make some guests uncomfortable, especially if they didn't know about your losses (I was pretty private about our fertility struggles and losses, so only my very closest friends, mom and MIL knew). Also, a few words at the shower are not going to make your guests truly understand what you went through, if they didn't have intimate knowledge of your loss. They may not react the way you want them too, which may upset you.

The ones who know how hard it was will be thinking about it, and they will know how truly special this day is to you. My best friend since childhood presented me with a lovely, handwritten letter acknowledging the past sorrow and the coming joy (again, before the shower in private). I really think that you should privately thank those closest to you, and you can mention your losses during those conversations.

Helenahhandbasket · July 2013

I had two first trimester losses before DD was born, so please take that into consideration as to what I am going to say.

Pregnancy loss frightens people. It's still a very misunderstood and sometimes a taboo topic. The crux of etiquette is to make other people feel comfortable and welcomed. I think it would be OK to say something like, "It's been a long road, but I am happy to be here and to have all of you celebrate with me."

It gives the nod to your losses, but won't make people feel sad or uncomfortable for you.

mmm50 · July 2013

kelle017 said:

Estwd2 said:

Hmmm, tough one. I've never experienced a loss, but I can see how you would want some mention at the shower. But keep in mind that while you may be comfortable with that, a lot of other people will not be. IMO, guests should always be made as comfortable as possible, and it's your sister's job as hostess to make sure they're comfortable. I'm guessing she's one of the people that would be uncomfortable with it and she's looking out for your guests' comfort, as she should be. I'd personally back off on the idea, but if it truly means a lot to you, you could do what PPs have suggested and mention them in your thank you speech. Just try to prepare yourself that some guests may be uncomfortable and it may result in a change of mood.

I kind of feel this way. I had 2 early losses, but won't be mentioning them at my shower. If I did though I would just say something in a thank you speech, something along the lines of "I wasn't sure this day would get here after losing the other pregnancies, but I'm thankful and appreciative of all your love and support etc...."

I also had an early loss and wouldn't feel comfortable bringing it up (really only my parents and DH's parents know about it). I personally would feel uncomfortable bringing it up, and I think it would make the guests uncomfortable too. But if you do want to brink it up, I do think this is a very graceful way of saying it during your thank you speech and you could add a sentence about being excited about your rainbow baby.

rbtrumpet · July 2013

Estwd2 said:

Just try to prepare yourself that some guests may be uncomfortable and it may result in a change of mood.

Crispity said:

Also, a few words at the shower are not going to make your guests truly understand what you went through, if they didn't have intimate knowledge of your loss. They may not react the way you want them too, which may upset you.

/quote (sitll not working right...)

I first want to say, I'm sorry for your losses, and I know those babies are precious.

But I do have to say, I agree with these two quotes in particular. If I were a guest at a shower, I think a "it's been a long road, but we're happy to be here now" would be fine. If the MTB started talking more about previous losses, I would probably find the earliest convenient time to leave. Not trying to be rude, but because I would have no clue what to say. I would be too afraid of coming face-to-face with the MTB and either not coming up with any words to say (think awkward stare) or sticking my foot in my mouth by saying the wrong thing. (I can get a little socially awkward when conversations take a huge turn I'm not expecting, as I think most people do. And I would not be expecting this at a shower, even if I knew the MTB had previous losses).

Julie21613 · July 2013

I know I would feel uncomfortable if the MTB made reference to her previous losses. I too suffered 2 losses. Most people coming to my shower know our struggles to get pregnant and know about my losses. So I agree with the quote, "it's been a long road, but we are very happy to be here" will suffice. I'm sure most people that haven't suffered a loss may not be aware of the "Rainbow Baby" phrase so using that line may just go right over their heads.

monkeybutt61612 · July 2013

What if you got a cake with a rainbow on it?

MagickalNarwhal · July 2013

People here always say that a showering isn't about celebrating the baby, it's about showering the mtb with gifts as she enters motherhood. I think it's ok to acknowledge the previous chances you had at motherhood, you know? And as someone who has also had losses, I grew really weary of holding in my thoughts about the kids I never got to meet so that other people didn't have to experience any discomfort. I think it could be done gracefully and quickly if it means a lot to you w one of the suggestions given above.

PgAL moms.. loss addressed @ shower

Re: PgAL moms.. loss addressed @ shower

Choose Another Board

Search Boards