MIL HELPPPPPP!

jmm05 · July 2013

My husband has a very close family that lives out of town, and so when they visit it’s for several weeks at a time. I have always had a good relationship with my MIL and FIL, but things have been strained ever since they visited after my baby’s birth. They stayed just over a week with us when my son was 3 weeks old, and even though I tried my best to stay patient and to be accommodating, I can admit I was short with them. Things were stressful… breastfeeding was going terrible, my son had to go to the ER for an eye infection and we moved into a new house among other things. (Hands down month one was the most stressful month of my life). I didn’t realize how offended they were until after they left our place to visit my husband’s brother and I guess my MIL completely unleashed saying how unwelcomed she felt. I do feel bad because I know I am partly to blame, but I also feel that they should be more understanding of the situation we were in.

Well, now baby is 12 weeks old and I am back at work. My MIL is visiting for the month to babysit (we made these arrangements when I was preggo… before any issues), and it is tense to say the least. Things that I know would have never been an issue before (MIL advice for baby that I turn down, or me being “anti-social” when I clean house, cook, etc) make things extremely awkward. My poor husband is trying his best to keep the peace, but I am at my breaking point. I feel like all of us are trying our hardest to please each other… but no matter what I do I know I’m upsetting my MIL, and no matter what my MIL does she’s upsetting me.

I never knew that I would be counting down the days until my MIL leaves… but that is EXACTLY what I’m doing. … 5 weeks to go… I can do this. L

Has anyone else had these issues???

Disneygeek77 · July 2013

Well it seemed you guys learned your lesson. Don't have guests stay for that long.

If I were you, I would apologize for bad behavior such as snapping or yelling. I understand you were stressed and having a hard time, but still doesn't make it ok.

What you do not have to apologize for is not taking her advice or for cooking your own food. Let her know this is still your home and still you baby and she needs to follow your lead and respect you since you are the mother and this is your home.

I would also take some time think about what you need from her. Give her stay a clear purpose. Perhaps she is confused about what she is supposed to do. Help with the baby, not help with the baby? Help with cooking and cleaning, not help with cooking and cleaning ? Maybe she feels like she is walking on eggshells and is going to get talked to no matter what she does.

jmm05 · July 2013

Thanks for the input...

I've never really snapped (and definitely never yelled) at them. The worse I've done was walk out of the room when they were being too much during their first visit. We haven't reprimanded what-so-ever and there are clear guidelines that once we get home her job is done and she gets to relax. Honestly, things are just awkward and tense, with everyone being just too nice. I don't really know how to explain it. It was tough to go back to work at all, and now when I get home it's frustrating that I can't totally relax and be myself. We are definitely regretting asking her to babysit... but since we had asked before things got like this we thought we would only make it worse by cancelling...

jmm05 · July 2013

One more thing... flights for his family to visit are $1500+, so visits are always a one week minimum just b/c of cost. Trust me - no one else has even stayed the night!

ebp913 · July 2013

I think you need to have a heart to heart and clear the air. Ignoring the awkwardness isn't going to make it go away. Just sit down with her and say that you feel like things are tense and you don't want them to be that way. See what she says and go from there. You can certainly admit that you may not have handled their last visit that well but I think you did pretty great given all that was going on. If anyone got offended at something you did 3 weeks post partum after a move, well they need to get some thicker skin.

Also maybe in the future they can stay somewhere that isn't your home. 1 week is about my max on in home guests, even my own mother.

ebp913 · July 2013

I also think you probably need to tell her that you need a little alone time so maybe she could go out for a bit after you get home from work or something. Or give you some time to chill out even if it is at your house. Just tell her that you need a little time to unwind from the day and that you aren't trying to be rude or anything but it's just how you decompress.

Kearney1022 · July 2013

Absolutely agree with what the others have said. It may feel awkward to sit down and chat about it, but it's the best way to move on. You even said that you're all trying to please the others, so it sounds like no one is able to really be themselves. Being the MIL means she probably already feels the need to tread a little lightly so as not to step on your toes ... so with you being short with them probably sent a message to be more careful (even though that wasn't your intention). I agree that you should just let her know that when you get home, you'd like a little quiet time to yourself, or you and baby, or you, hubby and baby - whatever makes you feel better .. this is such precious time with your LO and your new family unit that you can't let the awkwardness get in the way. Apologize for how you acted postpartum (as a mom, I'm sure she understands that emotions were running high plus all the other stuff going on), tell her you need a little space (maybe you, hubby and LO can go for a walk or something), hug her and tell her you appreciate her being there. Best of luck!

pinottoparenthood · July 2013

I don't know exactly what went down after your baby's birth, but from what you've said here, it sounds like your mil is being a bitch. I'm sorry but if she is mad because you are cooking or cleaning, she's welcome to do it herself. And it's not reasonable for her to expect you to take all of her parenting advice. This is YOUR child. Ideally your husband would speak to her, but if he refuses, I think that you have to. Tell her that you appreciate all that sheis doing and you want her to feel welcome. Ask her what's wrong and what you can do to fix it. And if she's being unreasonable and things continue to be awful around the house, ask her politely to check into a hotel next time she comes to visit.

jmm05 · July 2013

Thanks all - I guess I knew that I would need to sit down for a one on one, but just needed to hear it from someone else! Fingers crossed that it goes well. Thanks again!

ebp913 · July 2013

jmm05 said:

Thanks all - I guess I knew that I would need to sit down for a one on one, but just needed to hear it from someone else! Fingers crossed that it goes well. Thanks again!

Normally I fall into the camp of each spouse handles their own parents but I think in this case, you talking to her directly is a better approach. Good luck!

emd886 · July 2013

I had a similar....awkardness... with my MIL after the baby arrived. We had a one on one chat and things are SO much better. It's definitely worth it to have the talk!

soxvyanks · August 2013

I had a similar situation happen with DH family member a few months back after a few weeks stay. i tried to let DH deal with it, but he didn't. Finally, I flipped out on him, he told the family member that they had to leave and the family member left. Prior to leaving I was very honest and direct with them, and let them know where I was at right then, and that it didn't mean that they were never allowed in my house, I just needed some time.

It actually turned out well. Things are not awkward, in fact, I'd say that our relationship is even stronger. Even when the baby came there was no issues about who was staying where. They stayed in a hotel for a few days during the visit and then stayed again with us for few days on a subsequent visit.

I definitely recommend just speaking with your MIL. Level with her, be honest, and even though it will be tough and awkward in the beginning, it will lift the weight right off of you.

Good luck.

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