FIL insisting on memorial name

jlbhz2275 · July 2013

So I will try to make this story as short as possible, my FIL is insisting we name our new baby after his late wife, my MIL. She died several months back and my husband and I had already discussed using her middle name for baby's middle name depending on gender. A few months ago his father suggested we name new baby after her, to which we informed him thusly. Last month he told my husband he wanted us to use her first name not middle for baby's middle name. That our first child has a tribute middle name after someone on my side of the family and he "never had a problem with that." (As if we ever needed his approval on our child's name) To which we politely said we hadn't decided on a name and wouldn't until after baby is born. Now as the due date is getting closer he is getting insistent, telling me this time, that baby should be named after her, bc he thinks it is the only way she will be remembered. To which we told him we will not be using first name if we do a tribute name it will be a middle name and that MIL will be remembered irreguardless of new baby's name. But he is STILL insisting. To say there is some bad blood between my FIL and my husband is an understatement, there is a long history of bullying and threats on my FIL part. I am trying to tread lightly bc we know he is grieving and I just don't know exactly how to proceed. I feel like I have told him what we may do I have tried to be politely and definitive, and I have nothing else to say on the matter. I just don't want to take his calls or answer his text anymore. But he keeps at it and the more he keeps at it the less we want to do it. He is ruining it for us. We will not be caving into his demands, no matter what may come. So I guess I am looking for some words of wisdom and encouragement. Thoughts anyone?

imakeeff0rts · July 2013

Like you said in your post, you don't need his approval. I can understand where he's coming from in that he's grieving, but this is YOUR child - not your MIL reincarnated...and it kind of seems to me (based on what you wrote, of course) that he's kind of hoping for that.

You'll never get him to stop if you and your DH don't put your foot down. It's not his baby, it's yours so the decision really isn't up to him. It sounds like you've explained to him several times that you're wanting to use her middle name (which I think is fair, but you don't really need my approval either). If he's not willing to accept that, then that's his problem NOT yours.

If he's going to make such a big deal out of whether or not you use her name and you believe that it's going to become a problem (especially if there's already bad blood there), then just be prepared to limit his exposure to your family as much as possible. After all, it's really not the child's name that matters. It's the child as a whole. Your daughter is not her name, and she's not your MIL, and he needs to realize that.

I guess there are a few different ways to go about it: Next time he brings it up, you can tell him that you and your husband have already told him several times what you want to do and that's that. You can completely ignore the comments and not tell him anything further until after the baby is born and just deal with it then, or you could cut him off or give him a time out.

Good luck.

kennazebrowsky · July 2013

Tell him you appreciate his input, but you had already picked out the name for the baby and hope that you will be able to honor her in the future. If you have more children in the future you will consider using her name.

We honored my grandmother and my husbands grandmothers names for our daughter by giving her two middle names. However there is no bad blood or anything like that. I also do not have anyone pressuring us to use either name.

PrimRoseMama · July 2013

He can insist all he wants. You don't have to do it. Its not his kid and therefore not his name. Do what you feel is right for you and use the name you want.

It is way overstepping for him to nag you about this.

MissyCee · July 2013

If someone was telling me that I needed to use a certain name for my baby it would make me want to do the opposite. You can't allow someone to bully you into using a name. I wouldn't even allow him to bring up names anymore, he's made his opinion known and now he needs to be quiet and let you and your H decide. If he can't talk to you without nagging you I would cut off contact with him for awhile.

doodlemonkey22 · July 2013

Having someone like this in my own family, I can tell you that there is nothing you can say to him (other than what he wants to hear) that will pacify him. You can either have the big blow out now or ignore him and his calls and have the fight when the baby is born. Personally, I'd opt for ignoring him and his calls until baby is born and named because once it is done it is done. All he can do is sulk and be pissy. If you tell him now he will still have hope that he can change your minds and get more belligerent.

zou bisou · July 2013

You ignore the texts that bring up the name. You cut short the conversations that bring up the name. Something to the effect of, "I believe emulating a person's good words and deeds is a much more impactful way to honor them than copying their name" would be something I'd repeat often.

msronzio · July 2013

What if baby is a boy? What would FIL think of that? If the ignoring doesn't help, I'd be straightforward with him. "I am sorry for your loss. Naming our daughter after her isn't going to bring her back."

Unfortunately in this case it doesn't sound like he just wants her to be remembered (cause obviously, he's having trouble with a loss and is never going to forget her).

Disneygeek77 · July 2013

If I were you, I would make it clear it isn't up for discussion. Don't answer any texts about the name, hang up if he brings it up on the phone or leave if he does it in person. It seems that words aren't working on your FIL so now you have to back it up with action. I am serious, ignore / hang up / leave.

I might also gently suggest grief counseling for him. I know that sometimes when someone is grieving, they need something to think / obsess about in order to get their minds off of the pain they are feeling. It seems your FIL has made the baby's name his focus.

EmR22 · July 2013

What a stressful situation you are in. I would present a united front with you DH and let your FIL know this is not up for discussion. When baby is born you will name the baby what the two of you have decided. I'm sure this is easier said than done but I would not even discuss it any longer with him. Has he always been this forceful? I think you have to be out of touch with reality to think you can name your child's kid. Is there anyway to re-focus his energy? Like give him a project. Perhaps something to memorialize his wife for your LO? Maybe he could pull together a bunch of pics of her and you could make a little book for LO for when they are older. This could re-focus him and show that she won't be forgotten? And he could maybe write some of his favorite memories to go with the pics. I don't know if it's too soon and would cause more grief for him but it might be a good project to help him.

abell77 · July 2013

Wow, that's a tough one. You're right, he is grieving, and because of that deserves some level of compassion and sympathy. But what he is asking of you is unreasonable, and the fact that he keeps pressing the issue is unfair to you. I think your husband should take the lead on responding to him since it's his Dad. The bottom line is that naming a child is a special right that only parents have. He got to do it with his children, and now it's your turn. Explain to him that he has every right not to agree with your decision, but you are asking him to accept it. If he continues to press the issue, as unfortunate as this would be, you might have to tell him that it's come to a point where you don't feel you can discuss this naming issue with him anymore. Again, I'm sorry, you're in a tough spot. I feel sorry for him but that doesn't give him the right to bully you. The idea that the only way she will be remembered is if your child shares her first name is irrational. Good Luck.

katiebenes · July 2013

Just stop talking to him. especially if he's kind of a jerk anyways.

Tell him that it is in no way his decision and if he continues to be so pushy you WILL stop talking to him until after the baby comes and possibly longer...

Hollywogg · July 2013

Not his decision.

germanpickle · July 2013

This is a very sad but normal obsession for someone who has just lost someone that they love: "how can I ensure he/she is remembered?" or in other words "how can I ensure he/she is not forgotten?". When the baby is born - and please stick to your guns with firm love - he will most likely call baby by the middle name if that is in any way connected to your MIL. Depending on how much he is grieving, he may even go through a phase of calling the baby by your MIL's name.

The important part for you and your husband is to remember that grief is an awful, deep monster. I wish you strength, understanding, compassion, and patience. Hugs

jlbhz2275 · July 2013

Thanks all for the replies. I think I will just refuse to engage in any conversations regarding names. My husband is even not going to respond. We both agree that we have be very straight forward and if he refuses to let it go there is nothing else we can say to convince him. We have agreed that if it comes to it my husband is prepared to tell him he is out of line and overstepping and that we will not be using MIL's first name and that is final and its not up for discussion and he does not get a say in our child's name. Thanks all for the support.

FIL insisting on memorial name

Re: FIL insisting on memorial name

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