Single Parents

How Do You Cope?

To make a long story short, my life has recently become a lifetime movie.  I've been married for 7 years, with him for 10.  I put him through school and he finally graduated and got a teaching job, so we were finally going to start trying for kids, which we both really wanted.  I had 2 m/cs, the 2nd of which was very hard for me to cope with.  About 2 weeks after I found out I was m/cing again, I found out my husband was having an affaire with a fellow teacher.  He decided to leave me for her after a week of me despretley trying to save my marriage.  I of course after this find out I'm pregnant and tell him.  After a week or 2, he tells me he thinks he made a huge mistake and wants to try to work things out.  We didn't move back in together, but he moved out of TOW's house.  We saw eachother on weekends and spent memorial weekend together.  I left shortly after that for a study abroad program in France, for a month.  We face timed almost everyday and he kept telling me how much he loved me and he was completely sure of desicion... you all see where this going.  I come back from France and we meet, he tells me he was seeing her the entire time I was in France and is leaving me again and wants a divorce. So to the point of this post, how do you deal with the father of your child being someone you neither respect nor trust and whose morals and values you feel don't align with your own?  I also feel so torn between trying to be fair and protecting my child from someone, who I'm pretty sure will break their heart.  I have given him the option to sign away his rights, he keeps insisting he couldn't do that and his family, with whom I have continued to talk and maintain a relationship with, would try very hard to talk him out of it.  I know that on some level it's just me being selfish, but I worry and all I truly want is what's best for my child.  I can't help, but feel that in some ways my child's future is now compromised and all I want is for  it to never feel the heart ache I have, to never question wether their father loves them.  Ok I'm done, sorry for the not so short story.  Any advice is welcome.

BFP 9/10/12 m/c 10/26/12 BFP 2/10/13 Blighted Ovum m/c 3/12/13 
Surprise BFP 4/15/13 Mark Anne Born 12/15/13 

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Re: How Do You Cope?

  • You are at where I was at right after I found out about my XH's affair. Get some counseling for your own well being. As for your child , this is hard to accept as a mom and as the betrayed party, but his relationship with your child has nothing to do with his relationship to you. And you have no right to deny your child a relationship with his or her father. Even though to you he was an AH, to your child he is half of what made him or her.

    Give it some time. Stay strong. It does get better. As my XH sinks into debt trying to support his barely working GF and her 3 kids I smile and thank the universe for my life.
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  • eg214eg214 member

    I'm so sorry you are in this situation.

    I can only offer it from the perspective of a child of a divorced parent who cheated. My dad cheated on my mom around the time I was 11 or 12 with his secretary from work. My mom was sick and changed from that moment on for the rest of her life. She was always angry, nasty, and bitter. She made my dad come and tell me he cheated on her at some point and my dad was in tears. Obviously remorseful. I don't know if that was the right or wrong thing to do as I don't feel I have any residual issues from that moment. I can tell you I do have residual issues with my moms behavior. She was obviously going through a lot, but took a lot out on me. She kicked me out of the house one day and made me walk to school which I will always remember as traumatizing. I had never had to do that before and was always a good kid, so it was very confusing for me. She also slapped me once or twice when she just had enough. If there's one thing I can say, make sure you get a good support system behind you and for the love of God, do not take it out on your child. My mom and I could have grown closer during that time, but instead, we grew apart and still have an odd "close but not close like she thinks" relationship. 


    PCOS // Loss 3/2010 // Single Mom // Natural Birth // DC Metro // Baby Girl Born 2/2/2014
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  • imagetracy41:
    You are at where I was at right after I found out about my XH's affair. Get some counseling for your own well being. As for your child , this is hard to accept as a mom and as the betrayed party, but his relationship with your child has nothing to do with his relationship to you. And you have no right to deny your child a relationship with his or her father. Even though to you he was an AH, to your child he is half of what made him or her. Give it some time. Stay strong. It does get better. As my XH sinks into debt trying to support his barely working GF and her 3 kids I smile and thank the universe for my life.

    This is the best advice, I don't have much to add to it but what tracy says is very true. 

    Liliana Seraphina born 9/5/2103


  • imagetracy41:
    You are at where I was at right after I found out about my XH's affair. Get some counseling for your own well being. As for your child , this is hard to accept as a mom and as the betrayed party, but his relationship with your child has nothing to do with his relationship to you. And you have no right to deny your child a relationship with his or her father. Even though to you he was an AH, to your child he is half of what made him or her.

    Give it some time. Stay strong. It does get better. As my XH sinks into debt trying to support his barely working GF and her 3 kids I smile and thank the universe for my life.


    I completely agree that your husband and your relationship is separate from his relationship from the child's relationship with him. My BD is a complete sleezy scumbag, but a very good father to his other children. If he chooses to be involved I will allow it so my daughter is not left wondering about her father and if he loved her or not. By allowing him in you
    May prevent some of those questions for your LO. Like Tracy said, give it some time.

  • In my situation it took a long time for me to really let go of him and start to see him only as my child's father.  It has been two years and it is still hard for me.  I am trying to make decesions based solely on what is best for my son.  What is best for my son is that he gets to have a relationship with his father and see him on a regular basis. 

    I had to go to court to get the child support I deserved and my son is with his dad 8 days a month.  He loves his dad.  Even though his dad ruined our family and rejected me I have learned to try to be mature about it all and put on a happy face for my son.  I am at least greatful that he can experience the love of his father albeit not under perfect circumstances.  But we are all just trying to do the best with what we have.  It is less than ideal and I still struggle but we make it work.

  • imageSStinson1:

    I'm so sorry you are in this situation.

    I can only offer it from the perspective of a child of a divorced parent who cheated. My dad cheated on my mom around the time I was 11 or 12 with his secretary from work. My mom was sick and changed from that moment on for the rest of her life. She was always angry, nasty, and bitter. She made my dad come and tell me he cheated on her at some point and my dad was in tears. Obviously remorseful. I don't know if that was the right or wrong thing to do as I don't feel I have any residual issues from that moment. I can tell you I do have residual issues with my moms behavior. She was obviously going through a lot, but took a lot out on me. She kicked me out of the house one day and made me walk to school which I will always remember as traumatizing. I had never had to do that before and was always a good kid, so it was very confusing for me. She also slapped me once or twice when she just had enough. If there's one thing I can say, make sure you get a good support system behind you and for the love of God, do not take it out on your child. My mom and I could have grown closer during that time, but instead, we grew apart and still have an odd "close but not close like she thinks" relationship. 

    I am sorry you went through this. I find it interesting that you don't seem to blame your father for anything. I am not excusing your mothers behavior but to have the father of your child betray you and ruin your life together is a HUGE deal.

  • Thank you ladies for the advice.  I'm sorry I haven't responded sooner.  I have to keep reminding myself that at this point it's about my child and not me.  I really do want my child to have a relationship with their father.  It has been a hard to adjust to the thought of being a single mom, I fear I'm not strong enough, but I would never take my hurt and frustration with him out on my child. I just want to protect my child from the same rejection.  This is the first child for both of us, so I feel that there's a lot of unknowns as far as he goes.  We have talked some and I am trying to let him be as involved as he wants. I know only time will tell what kind of father he will be and I have to come to terms with that and not hold his actions towards me against him, as far as our child is concerned.  Thanks for the support and insight, I may need more as this pregnancy progresses.
    BFP 9/10/12 m/c 10/26/12 BFP 2/10/13 Blighted Ovum m/c 3/12/13 
    Surprise BFP 4/15/13 Mark Anne Born 12/15/13 

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  • eg214eg214 member
    imageSStinson1:

    I'm so sorry you are in this situation.

    I can only offer it from the perspective of a child of a divorced parent who cheated. My dad cheated on my mom around the time I was 11 or 12 with his secretary from work. My mom was sick and changed from that moment on for the rest of her life. She was always angry, nasty, and bitter. She made my dad come and tell me he cheated on her at some point and my dad was in tears. Obviously remorseful. I don't know if that was the right or wrong thing to do as I don't feel I have any residual issues from that moment. I can tell you I do have residual issues with my moms behavior. She was obviously going through a lot, but took a lot out on me. She kicked me out of the house one day and made me walk to school which I will always remember as traumatizing. I had never had to do that before and was always a good kid, so it was very confusing for me. She also slapped me once or twice when she just had enough. If there's one thing I can say, make sure you get a good support system behind you and for the love of God, do not take it out on your child. My mom and I could have grown closer during that time, but instead, we grew apart and still have an odd "close but not close like she thinks" relationship. 

    I am sorry you went through this. I find it interesting that you don't seem to blame your father for anything. I am not excusing your mothers behavior but to have the father of your child betray you and ruin your life together is a HUGE deal.

    This happened over 15 years ago. My dad and I have gone through A LOT including abuse which I have gone through years of therapy for and come to a place where I know he is remorseful, takes responsibility, thus I have been able to forgive him. My dad is remorseful for what he did. My mother on the other hand refuses to take any responsibility for their divorce and has never apologized to me at all for the things she did to cause me to have a tough upbringing. I realize it was a horrid situation for her, that my dad put her through, but she chose to handle it the wrong way. She threw her hands up many times and sent me to my dads house to stay for months at a time, which left me confused as I was never a problem causing child. Then, she'd say how horrible he was as a person, again very confusing. My mom never picked herself up, put on big girl panties, and tried for a better life. She just continued to blame. For that, my dad and I have a closer relationship since we have been able to work through it and forgive. Since my mother has never admitted to anything or apologized for anything, it's hard to work through things and forgive.

    PCOS // Loss 3/2010 // Single Mom // Natural Birth // DC Metro // Baby Girl Born 2/2/2014
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