Feeling down...

Boo0512 · July 2013

I'm sorry if this comes across as whiny and attention whorish but I just need to vent.

Ever since my DD was born I've been almost completely confined to my house. She is 9.5 weeks old and has been on a breathing/cardiac monitor since birth. Because of this it is difficult to go anywhere, even just outside to my porch.

I feel that I've been dealing with it fairly well up until today. I just want to get out and have a semi normal life again! I feel like such a slob because I can only shower when my DH is home because if her monitor alarms someone needs to be right there to check her. DH works full time and farms so he usually is only home for about 2 hours when he isn't sleeping. I haven't had my haircut in almost 4 months and the only clothing that fits are my pjs and maternity clothes, it's depressing. I just feel ugly and fat and I want to look forward to getting some new clothes but I know the sizes are going to be shocking.

I know that it isn't all about me and being a mom trumps all but I just don't even feel human anymore. I see other new moms that I know on Facebook getting their hair done and taking their LO on trips and it makes me sad. I'm probably just blowing this all out of proportion but I think part of what is bothering me is that I live in MN and summer is by far the nicest time of year and I've been cooped up for over two months. Soon the weather will suck and I'll still be stuck in the house.

I know I'm not the only one in this boat, it just feels that way. It doesn't help that my DH doesn't sympathize at all.

wjv · July 2013

I am so sorry that you are going through this and I can't imagine what it is like. Don't feel like you are being attention whorish. Not only are you dealing with the challenges that come along with having a newborn and being a first time mom, you are dealing with the medical issues that your daughter have! You are free to rant away and unleash your feelings! ! It is so hard being confined to your home and not able to do anything and it really is an adjustment from what life was like before baby. I realize that because your daughter is on the monitor you probably don't want to leave her, even with someone you trust. This is so hard for you! How long will she be on the monitor? We are all slobbish at times so don't feel bad about it! Sometimes I feel like I am drowning with my two kids and that they smell because it is so hard to give them baths and take care of the other

I hope it gets easier for you. And by the way, I haven't had a haircut in 4 months either

I am rocking the wet bun look. Hugs to you!

krwact · July 2013

Giant, giant hugs. I could have written your post. Because DS was born almost 6 weeks early, our pedi was adamant that he not go out or have visitors until he was a month adjusted. That meant that for the first 10 weeks of his life, we were confined to our one bedroom apartment except for pedi appts or trips to the LC. My husband's job required him to be away from home 12-13 hours a day, so I also got at most 2 hours of awake time with him and he traveled out of state a few times during that time (and since). I'm normally a very active person but I've basically lived on the couch (and I live in the Northeast, so I know what you mean about embracing the summer).

It has been very hard on both MH and I as individuals and for our marriage. We've had some very painful conversations and are only just starting to work as a team in the past few weeks.

Your husband will never understand what this has been like for you. There's no way anyone who hasn't been through it can. It is the most isolated and overwhelmed I have ever felt. I don't think you can ask him to "get it" but you have every right to expect some degree of help from him. What kind of help do you most want from him? Is it doing the dishes? A quick shoulder rub after dinner? To listen if you need to talk about your day? Be VERY clear with him what you need. You *deserve* help, not just *want* it.

I really and truly don't know what I would have done if I didn't have a close friend to text with night and day to offer me the unconditional support I needed. Because of her, I was able to make it through the toughest days, including finally admitting to myself that I was dealing with Postpartum Depression. Women in our situation are at particular risk (kids with medical issues, isolation, lack of support), so don't hesitate for even a SECOND to call your OB for a screening if you think this could be you. I started meds 2.5 weeks ago and I can already start to see a difference. I never would have gotten help just for my own sake but I knew that my son deserves the best mother possible.

I'm giving you the biggest (((HUG))) possible right now. You will make it. You are stronger than you think.

ETA: If it makes you feel any better, I haven't had a haircut since December. I look terrible and some days I even care. :-)

geoffandkara · July 2013

*HUG* I think what you're feeling is entirely understandable! I have felt similarly, but am not nearly as confined to the house/baby as you are. I will say a prayer for you, and hope you're feeling better soon and able to get out more.

snowgirl427 · July 2013

I'm so sorry you are going through this! Like pp said you have a ton on your plate with a newborn who ha health problems...

I haven't had a haircut in 4 mos either and rarely make myself presentable. It's so hot and humid here in FL I've been staying indoors with LO.

Definitely try to carve out an opportunity for some YOU time! You are doing amazing. Your LO is lucky to have such a great mommy! Sending hugs!

Boo0512 · July 2013

Thanks everyone for sympathizing. My MIL has watched her twice when I went to doctor's appointments that were far away (specialists) but every time I leave she does things like rearrange my cupboards and I end up getting pissed. I might have her watch DD anyway so I can go get my hair cut.

I'm so frustrated with DH because he basically thinks I just need to suck it up. He is the type that doesn't believe in depression etc. It's so hard because I feel like he just doesn't care about me sometimes. I've tried talking to him and the conversation always turns into a fight. He thinks that his work is harder than mine, I don't think that he feels I deserve break

krwact · July 2013

Boo0512 said:

Thanks everyone for sympathizing. My MIL has watched her twice when I went to doctor's appointments that were far away (specialists) but every time I leave she does things like rearrange my cupboards and I end up getting pissed. I might have her watch DD anyway so I can go get my hair cut. I'm so frustrated with DH because he basically thinks I just need to suck it up. He is the type that doesn't believe in depression etc. It's so hard because I feel like he just doesn't care about me sometimes. I've tried talking to him and the conversation always turns into a fight. He thinks that his work is harder than mine, I don't think that he feels I deserve break

Do *you* believe you're dealing with depression? I get the frustration with DH, believe me, but you don't need his permission to get help whether that means mental health support or having someone over so you can get a haircut or take a walk. I will always remember the analogy someone used when describing caring for a sick relative. She said it's like the beginning of a flight when the attendants tell you in case of an emergency, put your own oxygen mask on first. If you're unconscious you can't help anyone else. That's true here too. Self care is not selfish, it's allowing yourself to be the best mother, wife and person you can be.

Boo0512 · July 2013

I don't think its depression but more so, major disappointment. Disappointed that things have been so hard. Disappointed that my DH is so unwilling to help and so unwilling to give me any credit.

krwact · July 2013

I hear you. It's hard to reconcile reality with what we want or had expected. Acceptance of this new normal is hard Disappointment is completely normal given your situation. It sounds like you don't feel like you're being heard. I found the book The Five Love Languages to be helpful at creating better communication with MH. I understood better where he was coming from but more importantly, I understood why he couldn't understand me. I hope things get better for you soon. In the meantime, you know the internet will always be here for you!

Boo0512 · July 2013

Thanks for listening!

FmrAFBrat · July 2013

Boo0512 said:

THe is the type that doesn't believe in depression etc. It's so hard because I feel like he just doesn't care about me sometimes. I've tried talking to him and the conversation always turns into a fight. He thinks that his work is harder than mine, I don't think that he feels I deserve break

This sounds a lot like my DH....it's hard. If I were you I'd look into finding someone you can talk to on occasion to deal with your feelings. It also wouldn't hurt to take a long bath while DH is home so he get's an idea of what it's like to take care of a new baby.

I also have a MIL who likes to rearrange stuff among other things so I understand that you really don't want to use her. Is your mom or another friend or family member around to help watch LO while you get out? It wouldn't hurt to ask.

Also, are you able to do anything with LO? I've had to go out with either one or both of my boys to get new clothes that fit (my PP ones from last time were winter) . Even if you end up shopping at your local Target or Walmart you will feel so much better when you have clothes that fit.

gradmommy13 · July 2013

I don't think you're blowing it out of proportion at all. I'm really sorry that you're having such a hard time

I definitely would NOT be able to stay in the house for so long. Is there anyone that you trust to watch your LO while you go shopping or out to lunch or something?

Want a personalized experience?

Feeling down...

Re: Feeling down...

Choose Another Board

Search Boards