Hurting. Confused. Long Vent :(

PregoPuma · July 2013

Background: The 1st time we got pregnant it was a surprise. Total fluke. I hadn't ovulated in months, didn't get my period, & the fertility clinic told me I was pre-menopausal & couldn't conceive. He & I were on a 'break' at the time so I wasn't TTC anyway. He & I get back together & within two weeks I'm pregnant during what should have been another anovulatory cycle (or so I thought). Dr. says my body coincidentally decided to ovulate that month out of the blue. May 2012 we welcomed DS into the world. Due to financial reasons he couldn't afford a ring to propose right away. He finally was able to get me a ring & proposed this past NYE. We're engaged.

FF to today. We haven't set a date for the wedding & were waiting because it's so expensive. Yet we both want 2 kids not more than 2-3 years apart. I'm 39 so time is running out. He agreed to start TTC baby #2 in Dec. I've been using FAM & charting to learn about my cycles to prepare and using barrier methods for BC. We had protected sex ONCE 4 days before I ovulated & seems like 1 of his slippery little suckers slipped through. I'm 18DPO & BFP!

Argument #1 : He's angry. Not happy at all. Spent the last 3 days telling me he's not ready to have another child. He's even been hinting at the unthinkable (hasn't come right out and said it, but the implication is there). Weird cus he was raised in the church & Christian. His job sucks right now his pay's been cut in half and I get that he's stressed & kids are expensive. HOWEVER, I work F/T & support myself & DS entirely. I pay for my Nanny who cares for DS, I buy all of his gear, food, healthcare, etc. I pay all of my own bills as well. We split household expenses down the middle. I don't go to him for money! Have never asked him for a penny! In fact I've been loaning him money lately. He says as a man he wants to provide. He's trying to start a business so he can get to the point where I won't have to work anymore. And I appreciate that. I will be thankful. In the meantime I make pretty good $ and I don't mind working. I don't put any pressure on him. When the time comes & he gets there he gets there.

Argument #2: He wanted to be married before we had a 2nd child. He hates that we've done things "out of order". OK. I get it. Sure. Ideally, I would have wanted to be married before starting a family. But as you can see from reading our story things didn't work out that way. I guess at this point it doesn't bother me to have two kids before marriage since we've already had one kid before marriage & these children were both created from a loving relationship.

I'm sorry, but I just don't believe in terminating a pregnancy that is healthy, created in love by two responsible adults, with a man I'm engaged to, already have another child with and plan on spending the rest of my life with just because the timing could have been better! Just because your job sucks right now. Just because ideally we would have wanted this to come in 6-12 months from now. Just because I wanted to keep getting spray tanned this summer & drink margaritas lol! I am happy. Except for him & his response.

Please tell me he'll come around. Please give me words of encouragement. I really need them today! TIA

najzomax · July 2013

I'm sorry the news wasn't received the way you had hoped. I'm sure he will come around. It sounds like you guys had a plan and it just threw him that the plan got changed. Doesn't excuse his behaviour but hopefully explains it. I don't see how big of a difference 6 months could have made plus he still has 8 months or so to make the changes he wants to make. If he wants a new job and hates the one he has, now is a good time to look for something else. I agree terminating in this case wouldn't be my choice either. I also don't see the big deal about one child out of wedlock verses two children out of wedlock. You already did things out if order and what is done is done. If he still wants to be married before #2 comes you could do a simple wedding and have a big party later for your first anniversary or something. We did our wedding on a very small budget and it was still beautiful and I wouldn't have changed a thing. Congrats on baby #2. I'm sure Daddy will get used to the idea soon

Best wishes to your family!

EMOmamma · July 2013

I'm sorry. I'm willing to bet he will come around and be excited.

With our 2nd we were TTC then H decided he wanted to go back to school so we decided to wait another year, but at fate would have it I was already KU. It was a shock to both of us. It did take him a while to get excited.

Have you already set a wedding date? Would getting married while KU be an option? Like you said - it may not be the traditional path but you're making your own way and who the eff cares

And CONGRATS on baby #2!

MrsH11710 · July 2013

I'm sorry that your SO isn't excited about your BFP. I bet he's just in shock and hasn't had time to process things completely yet. Hang in there and give him some time.

And congrats on Baby #2!!!

[Deleted User] · July 2013

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picklesx · July 2013

First of all, congrats on baby #2!

Now, am I the only one who thinks that he doesn't have a right to get angry? It takes 2 people to create a life, so if he was so against having another so quickly, he should've made sure that you guys were taking more precautions than just a barrier method that is not a 100% preventative measure.

I think he'll come around, and like PP said I think it just threw him as it's much sooner than you all planned. If he is set on being wed before this baby is born, do something small. Even go to a courthouse and plan for a ceremony/party at a later point in time when you're financially ready to shoulder the costs.

Good luck.

PregoPuma · July 2013

Thanks for the well wishes & reassurance everyone I am thankful

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