Staunch OADer still feeling sad? (LONG)

hopefulmom81 · July 2013

Okay, pardon my ramble. I have tried to write this post a few times, but always struggle on how to say what I mean.

Before we TTC, DH and I always openly talked about 1-2 children. I am an only and he is one of two. He actually was the bigger supporter of 1 child. I loved being an only, but at the time was 50/50 on possibly having more. Just didn't want to shut the door before knowing what I was talking about, kwim?

Here is a synopsis of the negative aspects to the experience. There were many happy moments, but these are the ones that took the desire to do this again out of me. I sound like a Debbie Downer, but I am just trying to paint the picture

We got pregnant, lost the baby at 10 weeks, got pregnant again, lost the pregnancy due to a blighted ovum right away. Pushed for recurring loss testing, had invasive tests, ton of blood taken, catheters of dye for x-rays, etc. Found a low progesterone issue. Got pregnant again, got shots in my a$$ every week for 12 weeks. Was scared every single day I was going to lose the baby for the full 39 weeks. Checked the toilet paper every time I went to the bathroom fearing blood for the full 39 weeks. Developed pregnancy induced hypertension, felt like crap. Anxiety issues from my past (hypochondria) resurfaced and I was convinced I was going to die or the baby was going to die. Had weekly Non Stress Tests at the end where I panicked throughout the whole test that something was wrong. I couldn't even listen to the heartbeat I was so scared it would stop. One time, got sent for an emergency U/S because the NST didn't read correctly. Scheduled induction due to PIH--27 hours of grueling labor ending in a half elective half emergency C-Section. Crippling post partum anxiety where I was convinced the baby was sick or that I was sick.

Bottom line. I am absolutely one and done. I am not saying my experience is the worst ever, as I know many people, some of whom are on the board have struggled far more than I. I am just saying this was my absolute limit.

Recently, I have been sort of mourning the fact that we won't even be discussing #2 due to our experience. It is weird. We probably would be OAD anyways due to feeling our family is complete with DD, enjoying our finances with 1, etc, but I think part of me will always wonder, "What if I had an average pregnancy with no losses or high levels of anxiety, would we have considered 2?"

I guess I am feeling kind of sad at the experience we had, and that it has ended all discussions of more children.

That is the confusing part. I don't want any more children, but this still makes me sad.

Does any of this make sense? Can anyone relate to my very specific situation that probably makes no sense (LOL)?

thatoneredhead · July 2013

hopefulmom81:
"What if I had an average pregnancy with no losses or high levels of anxiety, would we have considered 2?"

but you didnt, and that's ok to be totally terrified of the thought of a another loss and another stressful pregnancy. I had shots for 16 wks, and I feel ya. Those are a biotch.

Im still really young and wonder what Im going to feel like in 5 years. It's a conflicting thing. Im totally stoked to just have just one, but every once in a while I will get the most random pangs. I might have mentioned it on here but watching Olivia the Pig and seeing her cute little pig baby brother made me want another little bundley baby. I heard someone telling someone at the store that they just found out it's another boy. Stuff like that sometimes hits me weird. Not decision changing, but Im sad I wont ever have that stuff again too, if that makes sense.

Divallyn · July 2013

It makes sense to me.

I "grieve" that I won't be having another one and I am not having another by choice.

I didn't have it as rough but I did have absolutely horrible post natal anxiety and insomnia which then lead to PPD. This is main reason I am OAD but not the only reason. It makes me sad that were OAD mainly due to the reason listed above. I grieve that that part of our families lives was so so so rough because of me.

Sometimes I want another just for the chance to have a redo even though it would most likely be the same or worse and this time it possibly not go away.

i just keep telling myself to focus on the future.....

MonkeySender · July 2013

It totally makes sense. I have been pretty sure for a long time that I didn't want another child, but I still sometimes feel sad that I won't ever experience pregnancy again. I feel like because I have done it before, I could have a better birth experience the second time. I had some sleep deprivation issues and ended up on medication... I sometimes wonder if I could be better prepared the second time, if it would maybe be easier... but I also know that I could be totally wrong and my anxiety and insomnia could be much worse.

calimama2007 · July 2013

I will speak from an only child's perspective.

Every pregnancy and labor is different, if that is your SOLE reason for being one and done, I would do some soul searching and decide if that's the s, main thing driving your decision.

I completely get that you had a really negative, difficult, stressful, and it sounds like traumatic experience. But, putting that aside completely, do you still only want one child for all of the reasons that you have? If yes, then you can move forward.

To me it sounds like you are not completely ok with that decision, and that's ok too obviously! Presumably you still have time to change your mind.

Wufroggy79 · July 2013

I think it makes total sense, and I think you are being realistic about the situation. It's good that you know your body, and you know your limits. Hang in there.

hopefulmom81 · July 2013

DiveFrog:
I'm going to ramble a bit I am sure, but I had a similar experience to you and want to share my perspective.

We had a miscarriage, then our DD's bfp. I was a nervous wreck and worried the entire pregnancy. Just like you I was on constant "toliet paper watch". I developed pre-eclampsia at 35weeks and delivered DD a week later after a grueling 48hr labor by emergency c-section where the epidural anethesia partially failed.

DD was small but did very well except for a two week fight with Jaundice and a rough start at breastfeeding for both her and especially me (both physically and mentally). the first 10-12weeks were very rough. DH and I had our own adjustment struggles too.

Needless to say the experience wasn't what I was hoping for or envisioning. I am so greatful though to both my midwives and our Doula. They all gave me the best advice I could have ever gotten before, during and after the entire ordeal. I will paraphrase but they basically said..."We know this isn't how you wanted things to go, but you need to remember this is/was your child's birth. It is/was just as meaningful, emotional and special as if it had happened the way you had envisioned. It is your story, and her story and your family's story that you are living so don't let any disappointment and fear stop you from experiencing the joy of welcoming your daughter into this world."And I took that advice to heart. I tried to embrace my experience and understand that life rarely ever goes as you plan it, especially with children

We are still on the fence as to whether we want to raise another child. However, personally I am not going to let my personal fear and worry and "what if's" of pregnancy and childbirth be a part of the decision. I want us to make the decsion purely on whether we desire to raise another child. If the answer ends up being yes...I am going to let the journey we take to create, grow and birth that child be their own story uninfluenced by my experience with my daughter.

Thank you, everyone for responding and understanding. You truly have helped me, more than you know.

DiveFrog, what your MW and doulas said made me tear up a bit. Thank you for sharing your story. It is so true, that even though things were super rough, DD is here, happy and healthy.

To be continued....

happy_un-bride · July 2013

i get you. right down to the pih. i actually look at pregnant women different now and wonder would it would have been like to have a more normal healthy pregnancy. but we will likely not consider second pregnancy so we know that i can be healthy enough to be around to raise ds.

Shayna0182 · July 2013

I think for me, what I think about the most is missing the experience. We lost our first pregnancy at 17 weeks, had ds at 32 weeks, and almost exactly one year after his birth lost our third and last pregnancy at 29 weeks. All of the pregnancies were due to placental abruption, and the last pregnancy almost killed me, mentally and physically.

That being said, I think it's completely normal to wish for a different outcome, especially if you are one and done, not by choice.

hopefulmom81 · July 2013

bellaxanthe:
We are in a similar place. Although I did not have a loss, or even a terribly difficult pregnancy, our experience this first year has been rough. And for my husband, it was his limit. With failure to thrive, BF issues, CF scares, genetic testing scares, torticollis, hypotonia, plagiocephaly and helmet, physical therapy, adhesions, yeast infections etc. It just wasn't what we were prepared for. I have only recently started to think about another, but my DH will absolutely not. I'm at the age where it's now or never, so I guess it's never. In my heart I would be scared that the situation would be even worse this go around (due to my age as well) and that we were lucky that everything was minor in the scheme of things. No advice, I can just commiserate.

Thank you for commiserating with me. I am so sorry for all you and your family had to go through.

I keep telling myself that even if we had another, I would go through a period of, "could I do this again?", so at some point we just have to draw the line.

I totally relate to you thinking about the what ifs with your potential next experience. I think about if something were wrong with the baby or if we had another loss my DH and I would always wonder why we tempted fate again.

The bottom line is that I really don't want more children, I think I am more mourning the bad experience and that we don't have the freedom of that a blissful pregnancy and overall experience gives in the decision making process.

cpmich · July 2013

We are also OAD. We deeply love our son but just feel like our family is complete. It is nice to have the financial flexibility, ability to spend time with him, etc. I don't doubt that we could love more children, but we just feel complete. That being said, I was blessed with a pregnancy that my OB called textbookand for the most part pospostpartum was manageable. I am confidently OAD but I still grieve or get random pangs.

I think it is normal. I think it is really just recognizing that our child is growing up and we are morning the passage of milestones and times we will never experience again and just how quickly time is passing. Gives me pangs just typing it. I know we are happy with the one we have, but I wish he would stay little just a little longer...

busterbeagle · July 2013

Dirty lurker here, but I relate to what you are saying 100%. After losing my first at 12 weeks, having horrible anxiety through my pregnancy with DD, and dealing with PPD, I have been seriously mourning not getting a normal pregnancy and newborn experience. I'm trying to come to terms with it because I obviously can't change it, and even having another baby won't make it any different, but I really feel like I missed out, so in a way a second child holds the promise (which has such a great chance of being unmet) of giving me another chance. I think it is normal to grieve visions of your family that will never be a reality. I think going through loss, IF, PPD, a difficult pregnancy, or a traumatic labor can really cause a lot of inner conflict. The way family planning is discussed gives a false impression of control. For many of us, it just doesn't work that way. I'm not sure yet if I am one and done, but due to secondary fertility issues and some health issues DD is struggling with, it is definitely back on the table. I've also been thinking a lot about my loss lately, and I don't know how I could be a good mom if it were to happen again. I've been lurking here for months as I try to figure it out. But I had to pop in on this post because I saw a familiar "face" and a familiar situation.

Staunch OADer still feeling sad? (LONG)

Re: Staunch OADer still feeling sad? (LONG)

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