Home Study... vent? (sort of!)

aligross · July 2013

So we are fully into our home study now. Yesterday I spent 6+ hours at the computer answering the most RANDOM questions I've ever encountered.

One whole sheet we filled out was our "Family Disaster Plan" - we had to come up with 3 places that we will flee to if something were to happen to our house.

Now, I can understand if this was for Foster Care etc, but this is for a Domestic Infant Adoption! It's just the great amounts of fun that come with the paperwork.

Today I am working on my "Self Study Form" - I'm struggling with how to eloquently describe EVERY. SINGLE. facet of my life.

I just keep telling myself as I complete another question that I am one question closer to being done!

Hope everyone is having a great week!

CaptainSerious · July 2013

Don't worry about eloquence. The only person who will read your answers is your social worker, and she just wants the whole, truthful story. I know it sucks, but they just want to ensure that your family can provide a safe, stable, loving, nurturing home to a child. Hang in there!

emca · July 2013

Just take it one step at a time. It's super frustrating. I totally understand!

aligross · July 2013

Thanks ladies! You are the best!!!

summergirl79 · July 2013

hang in there.....it will get done but seems never-ending...remind me of that soon, just starting process of new home study for 2nd adoption (I am glad we saved copies of everything so some things can just be updated!).

hansa11 · July 2013

I just mailed our home study paperwork in two days ago, so the Family Disaster Plan, Self-Study Form and other paperwork are all fresh in my mind. Much of it felt pointless or repetitive. I'm normally not one short for words, but my approach to the Self-Study Form was to write only what I needed to answer the question. If I had already addressed a topic while answering another question, I didn't repeat myself.

sarahtoledo · July 2013

I was asked, "describe your sexual development". By a Catholic agency. :O And then when I wrote "normal," they asked in person for more information.

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Dr.Loretta · July 2013

Damn, now I feel like we had it easy. GL--it will all be done soon.

aligross · July 2013

sarahtoledo said:

I was asked, "describe your sexual development". By a Catholic agency. :O And then when I wrote "normal," they asked in person for more information.

What more could they want?!!?!?!?!?

I just came across a question in our self study that asks "IF YOU CURRENTLY HAVE CHILDREN: Briefly describe each of them, touching upon such areas as: age, grade in school, interests, personality characteristics, strengths and weaknesses, etc. What do you particularly like about each child? What do you not like? What would you like to change and how would you go about it? (use back of page if needed)"

Seriously!?!?!?!? What do I not like about our children? What do I want to change about them!? YIKES - Glad we don't have kids yet.

hansa11 · July 2013

aligross said:

sarahtoledo said:

I was asked, "describe your sexual development". By a Catholic agency. :O And then when I wrote "normal," they asked in person for more information.

What more could they want?!!?!?!?!?

I just came across a question in our self study that asks "IF YOU CURRENTLY HAVE CHILDREN: Briefly describe each of them, touching upon such areas as: age, grade in school, interests, personality characteristics, strengths and weaknesses, etc. What do you particularly like about each child? What do you not like? What would you like to change and how would you go about it? (use back of page if needed)"

Seriously!?!?!?!? What do I not like about our children? What do I want to change about them!? YIKES - Glad we don't have kids yet.

I had plenty of material when I came to this question, but struggled to say it, um, diplomatically. I finally settled on I don't like my kids' whining and we're working on using their words and learning what a proper tone of voice is to ask a question, and that bedtime is a struggle and we're working on more of a disciplined bedtime routine.

As for the questions about our sex lives, I'm not a super private person, and those caught me off guard! The funniest was that I read my husband's answers and he had written things like "limited" for his teenage sexual experience, which I find laughable given the stories he's told me. I'm curious/nervous about what our SW asks during our home study interview.

kva11isho · July 2013

Hang in there! I remember being frustrated about the evacuation plan too. Like I'm going to be able to tell our infant child, "if there is a fire, or anything happening to the house make sure you hop out of your crib, wiggle to the front door or out your window..." Right!

Good luck!

maryoosa · July 2013

Wow. I'll consider that I got off easy in the homestudy. We didn't get questions about our sex lives, evacuation plans, or what we'd like to change about our (non-existant) story.

CaptainSerious · July 2013

The reason they want to know what you don't like and how you will change it is because they want to make sure you aren't romantisizing or ignoring typical family issues. They want to know that you have realisstic ideas about child behavior and discipline/motivation.

One thing I lerned a lot about from my sons' teachers is how to phrase my "dislikes" diplomatically. "J is great at x, y, and z, but he needs to work on listening to directions even when he's distracted."

arbutusbride · July 2013

We had a sex life question too. It was something about if we felt fulfilled in our sexual life or something like that. I wrote simply that yes we were fulfilled. Then during our interview sessions she asked if our sex life changed due to infertility. I said yes and that it took time to get back into the mindset of having sex for pleasure vs conception. It was the honest truth.

We were warned at our training classes that we would be asked about our sex life.

I hated writing about my feelings so much. I had lunch with a friend and she asked how things were going. I told her our progress but please do not ask me anything about feelings right now because I'm tired about talking about them. She laughed with me.

aligross · July 2013

CaptainSerious said:

The reason they want to know what you don't like and how you will change it is because they want to make sure you aren't romantisizing or ignoring typical family issues. They want to know that you have realisstic ideas about child behavior and discipline/motivation. One thing I lerned a lot about from my sons' teachers is how to phrase my "dislikes" diplomatically. "J is great at x, y, and z, but he needs to work on listening to directions even when he's distracted."

I understand that... but when you are reading all of these forms and you get to that question I stopped and could not understand why they would word it that way. Same as asking for more information on sexual development.

If another human asked me point blank "what don't you like about your child" I would be offended - I work in the world of Special Education, you cannot romatisize family, but I would NEVER. EVER. ask a parent what is wrong with their child and believe me we talk about challenging behaviors every. single. day.

Oh well - it was just one of those questions that made my eyebrows go up and me say "really"!? IT's all part of the joy of paperwork for adoption! We got a laugh out of it and I'm sure someday we will laugh about it again!

CaptainSerious · July 2013

Please understand, I'm not saying that the questions aren't off-putting, incredibly intrusive, or well-worded. I was just trying to explain the rationale for the question. I found that when I was asked questions that went too far (and we had a lot of them), it always helped to understand why the questioner was asking and what information they were truly after.

"How Christian are you?" meant, "We've experienced a lot of people who wish to adopt out of an Evangelical sense to save children. They typically haven't done a lot of research into issues associated with adoption, and can end up in a situation beyond their abilities. We are trying to find out if you are in this category, and if you truly understand what you are about to undertake."

"What are your phobias about biological children?" meant we have a cultural norm that values family over all else. It is difficult for us to understand why anyone would adopt without first trying to conceive, and it makes us wonder if you are trying to aviod something in a biological family or if you are trying to obtain something through adopting. We need to make sure that you would regard an adopted child the same as a blood relative. Can you please explain why you don't feel a need to be biologically connected to your child?"

and

"Why do you say you want a child with special needs? Americans only want healthy babies." meant "Our experience has shown us that even when American families say they are open to adopting children with special needs, they back out when they are granted a referral, saying the needs are beyond their ability. It's like they don't give a lot of thought to what parenting a special needs child means in reality until they are faced with the whole truth of what that means in international adoption. Children available for international adoption who have relatively 'minor' special needs often have other significant issues (such as emotional truama) due to the fact of their abandonment, and therefore present much more complex issues for adoptive families to consider. Before we seriously consider you as a family for a child with special needs, you have to prove to us that you understand the full extent of what this means, have the resources and support in place to parent a child with special needs, and are committed to welcoming home a child with special needs, even knowing that it's going to be a very different situation than parenting a healthy child."

My point in all of this is to say that I wasn't minimizing your reaction to the questions. Yes, it was horribly worded and yes they are intrusive. I have found, however, that it helps to remember that the goal is to determine how you really feel about children, discipline, and adoption, and that there is always something that they are trying to get at. Once I knew what they are trying to determine, it made it easier for me not only to stomach the brashness of the questions, but also to formulate an answer they would find helpful and that would further our journey in a positive direction.

aligross · July 2013

Captain - I hope that my previous post didn't upset you at all - I didn't feel attacked and I hope too you didn't feel attacked either! I am extremely thankful for people who have all of these points of view, who have gone through this and can show me another perspective! Thank you!

Mrs.Slick · July 2013

All of those questions are definitely annoying/intrusive but just like someone else already mentioned, your s/w is the only one reading your responses. Everything will be summarized, with maybe a simple quote or two, actually appearing in your actual hs document. It's their job to make your answers/life looks good while delivering the truth. It will all work out!

CaptainSerious · July 2013

No worries, aligross. The homestudy is a very strange, tense process, and I sometimes forget how intense it all is when you are in the middle of it.

sarahtoledo · July 2013

aligross said:

sarahtoledo said:

I was asked, "describe your sexual development". By a Catholic agency. :O And then when I wrote "normal," they asked in person for more information.

What more could they want?!!?!?!?!?

I said, "you're going to have to give me some guidance here!" and the social worker said the purpose of the question is to ferret out (my phrase) if you've been abused. In which case they should just ask that. Anyway, we talked about our sex education and attitudes and kind of trailed off. I am so glad the home study is over.

bumpuser794640 · July 2013

Some of the questions were kind of weird, but I did like Captain Serious said and tried to look at it from the SW/agency's point of view - why are they asking what they are asking? That mindset and the fact that I am a very open person made the questionnaire pretty easy. I'm hoping the same goes for the in-person interviews - I'll tell anyone just about anything they want to know if it's for a good reason.

mysticl · July 2013

sarahtoledo said:

aligross said:

sarahtoledo said:

I was asked, "describe your sexual development". By a Catholic agency. :O And then when I wrote "normal," they asked in person for more information.

What more could they want?!!?!?!?!?

I said, "you're going to have to give me some guidance here!" and the social worker said the purpose of the question is to ferret out (my phrase) if you've been abused. In which case they should just ask that. Anyway, we talked about our sex education and attitudes and kind of trailed off. I am so glad the home study is over.

That only works in a person who has come to terms with their abuse and moved passed it. If the person still hasn't dealt with it they may deny it if asked point blank about it. The answers to questions about sexual development can help a social worker determine if there is more she/he needs to ask about.

mmmraow · July 2013

aligross said:

I just came across a question in our self study that asks "IF YOU CURRENTLY HAVE CHILDREN: Briefly describe each of them, touching upon such areas as: age, grade in school, interests, personality characteristics, strengths and weaknesses, etc. What do you particularly like about each child? What do you not like? What would you like to change and how would you go about it? (use back of page if needed)"

Well, to be fair to them, there are some aspects of my son's personality that I'd change if I could - he'd probably kill (or at least maim) himself every single day if we weren't around to keep him alive. He's so fearless it's scary! But I'm sure taking that away would take parts away that I like. Still, if I could change that one aspect, I TOTALLY would. Totally. Like yesterday.

Kirstybaby · July 2013

I know--some questions are really invasive! My husband and I joked that our caseworker now knows us better than anyone else, lol! Just try to think about it as there are a LOT of crazy people out there who should NOT be adopting at all, and they need to know that kind of stuff to weed out the crazy people. Even though it's weird, it truly is for the best interest of the child--which is the most important thing!

Home Study... vent? (sort of!)

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