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BF issues among adult siblings

Lavender PLavender P member
in Blended Families
I wasn't going to post about this because it is not really related to my SS situation but it has been bothering me a lot lately and figured I would see if people had any experience with this. I apologize in advance that this is long.

My DH's parents were never married and got pregnant as teenagers. His BM is very bitter and still hates DH's BD. She made things as difficult as possible for DHBD and eventually he signed his right over so DHSF could adopt him. DH didn't see his BD until he sought him out at age 20. At that point DHBD and DHSM accepted DH like another son and have been a part of his life. Everything was fine until this year BIL, DH's half brother, got engaged to a woman who is a shedevil. She has alienated BIL from the whole family, called SMIL every nasty name there is and has gotten BIL to do whatever she wants, which I know it's his fault too as he has no balls. Anyway, she convinced BIL to kick my DH out of the wedding so her friends could be in it instead. So BIL did it, but didn't bother to tell DH. That was one of several slights that led to DH deciding he wasnt going to attend the wedding, which was also across the country, and our SS wasnt invited. No one said it was a problem, and no one told BIL he was wrong for treating DH that way. FF to after the wedding. BIL is now livid DH didn't attend the wedding even though he previously said it was not an issue. He won't talk to DH and has called him everything from bastard to saying he hates our kids and all kinds of nasty things. DH has apologized twice for missing the wedding, but BIL won't and is still mad. DHBD and DHSM are completely supporting BIL because he went over a year without talking to them due to his wife. They are scared of thy tell him differently, he will cut them out of his life again. DHBD and DHSM have told BIL he is completely right and are now alienating our family. It is like DH is being rejected again. I feel so awful for my DH that when it comes down to it, his BD is still choosing his 'family' over DH. It is even more hurtful because we were very close with them and spent a ton of time with them until recently. DHBD told him if DH doesn't apologize again, now via email instead of on the phone that he is not going to like the consequences. The issue isn't tht DH hasn't apologized enough. It is that BIL is a spoiled brat that has never been told no or that he is wrong. DHBD and DHSM paid for his car, all his bills and his rent. He has never had to work and never paid a bill on his own, even now tht he is married. DHBD and DHSM have told DH privately that they know BIL is being unreasonable but they won't do anything to tell BIL he was wrong. He has convienently forgotten his treatment of DH. I don't know if I should tell DH to just give up or keep putting up with the treatment the whole family is putting him through. They are making it out to be that it is them against DH and is awful. Now that they have shown their true colors I know I could never think of them the same. I'm just so sad for DH to have to go through this rejection again, especially since he wasn't he the one who started it. Does anyone have similar adult BF issues?
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu
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Re: BF issues among adult siblings

  • HopeforthebestHopeforthebest member

    My opinion is that you teach people how to treat you.

    If he wants to feel victimized then continue with letting these people treat him that way, but if he is done,he should walk away.

    What a sad, awful situation.

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  • HChadHChad member
    I am not from a BF.  However, I went through the same situation.

    My parents favored my older brother above everyone else.  I have a younger sister (baby of the family) and a younger brother (mom's favorite).  My older brother physically abused me for many years, stole large amounts of money from me when I started working at 14 (he was 20) and is basically a horrible human being.

    When older brother stole (proven by forged checks) $400+ from me, at 14, he lied and said it wasn't him.  His signature is very unique.  Our parents believed him.  He finally admitted he had stolen it over 7 years later and gave me $50.  

    As a result of how I was treated by my older brother and our parents, I walked away from my family, by choice, at the age of 22.  I was in college at the time.  It was a very, very hard decision to make and luckily for me I had my aunt to help with the transition.  It took a long time for me to come to terms with all of what had occurred and I am still upset with our parents.

    I am now 36 (37 in a couple of weeks).  I reconciled with my parents a few years ago.  It's not perfect, but it's manageable.  Older brother married in 2009.  After our mom had a heart attack in 2010 and could no longer provide free childcare for his two children, he has cut her out of his life entirely.  Our father is only allowed to coach his DS's tee ball team. Our parents are still married.

    Sorry for the novel, even if this is the short version.  What I am trying to say is my parents figured out (many, many years later) that the one who was taking advantage was the one who would leave them vulnerable.  Our parents are not young or wealthy and need help.  He lived with them until he was 33 (he was married at 39) and still uses our father's identity for credit (he's the Third, our dad is Junior) and doesn't pay the debts.  Our dad does.  

    I'm the one who walked away.  At the time, it was the best decision for me.  I chose to make contact and it has worked out well.  I take care of my parents (younger brother is in the military and no longer lives in the state, younger sister is busy with my niece) along with my DH.  Walking away was the best decision for me.  It took me almost 10 years to go back.  There are moments I regret it (I will never forgive my mother for her actions on our wedding day), but it's better for all off us and now I know how to separate myself from the drama.  And older brother is no where in sight.  He has his MIL to pay for his life now.  Unfortunately, he keeps the grand children away from our parents, for the most part.
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  • 2chatter2chatter member
    I come from a BF.  I have two half sisters from my dad's first marriage (I call them my sisters for all but discussions like this one).  They were 18 and 20 when I was born.  My oldest sister is a classic big sister to this day.  Up until we moved, we lived on the same street and we would occassionally all have dinner together, she'd come see my three children, her daughter (my neice, 20) would come hang out with us and do things like go to the park or a kid concert with us.  The other sister woo boy.  She dropped out of college, married a part time working trailer park living guy and then....blamed my birth for that choice for the rest of her (and my) life. Any chance she got me alone, for the entire time I was growing up, she would tell me I ruined her life.  She would say horrible things to me, then being very loving in front of people, and even sometimes when alone.  We don't really speak.  She also gave up her own daughter to CPS when her daughter got pregnant at 15.  I have no idea how she turned out sooooo differently that the other two daughters.  I change my plans to avoid her.  I used to live in the same neighborhood as my parents, and would go so far as to go out of town when she came to visit to avoid her BS.  It took a few years, but I eventually told my Dad that I did not deserve the treatment I received from her and he would have to choose regarding major holidays, at least some of the time.  She stopped coming to Thanksgiving, etc. when confronted about her behavior.  In your situation, I think your DH needs to have a no holds barred conversation about acceptable versus unacceptable behavior.  If his parents agree about what is unacceptable, then  you have the conversation about enabling.  If they don't buy it, their loss.  It sucks, but there it is.  I was willing to give up holidays with my family to avoid my sister.  It didn't come to that.  Now, she comes some of the time, but is on a short leash.  DH doesn't tolerate her talking down to me or insulting me, so my Dad doesn't even have to be caught in the middle.
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  • Lavender PLavender P member
    It's nice to know it's not just my DH's family but it is also sad to see that it happens to so many other people. I told DH that he gets to decide how much involvement he wants with them but that I also won't sit there and watch him get treated poorly if it continues. His dad has been bending over backwards to make thing better but we will see how long it lasts. I think that we are just going to back off from spending so much time with them and have zero expectations. This way he won't get hurt. It is only a matter of time before BIL blows up at his parents again and they will stop defending him. Thank you all for sharing your stories. They are painful to hear and I'm sure a million ones more painful to live through.
    "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu
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