Trouble marriage after baby

storm172666 · July 2013

Hi all. Since my daughter's birth 13 months ago I have completely lost interest in sex. I push him away or pull away and he's getting tired of it. He says he's tired of me acting like I don't want him to touch me - but I'm not acting like it, I really don't want him to touch me. Before the baby I had a very high libido, much higher than my husbands, but now, I can barely manage the energy or desire to give it to him once a week. I dread being on the receiving end of his moves and can't wait for it to be over. I can't get into it no matter how hard I try. I can't even stand kissing my husband. It feels gross now for some reason. I don't know what to do or how to get over this long slump. It doesn't help that he doesn't understand that I am tired- he thinks because I work in an office setting I shouldn't be tired - but I'm up at 530 am with baby then drop her off and come to work to then pick her up and go home to make dinner and get her ready for bed. He works long hours but sheesh, he doesn't even help out on weekends. I've told him I think deep down it's resentment that keeps me uninterested, in addition to being tired and overwhelmed but he just doesn't get it. Any thoughts?

StacyJYay · July 2013

First, at least in my experience, you are not alone! All of my girlfriends and I have had some degree of marriage strain since our babies have been born and have seen our libidos zapped due to fatigue, shift in priorities, tension with our DHs, etc.

Second, have you considered some couples counseling? It sounds like your husband is not hearing you and like there are some resentment issues (your resenting his not doing his fair share and his resenting your diminished desire). Having a neutral and professionally-trained third party to facilitate communication might be helpful.

I hope things get better. Smile

ebp913 · July 2013

I would talk to a doctor about your libido and a therapist about your marriage. I am sure that your resentment is a large roll in this and a partner who doesn't feel supported and cared for doesn't want to give their partner anything.

vrj0522 · July 2013

I may be wrong but I think the lack of interest in sex and the strain in your marriage go hand in hand. I also suggest talking to a therapist. Do you guys go out just the two of you? I can tell you that having a date with my husband twice a month just the two of us has changed the tension and strain that we were having when LO was first born. I think that for your interest to return, your love needs to return, so working on your marriage is priority in order to get the rest back. GL, it's hard dealing with everything once a baby comes into the family.

Kb103109 · July 2013

I really feel your pain with this situation. My DH and I are going through a tough spot in our marriage. Our twins are 19 months old and since they were born I have steadily lost interest and also do not even want to be touched by him. He works long hours at a golf course (so he is outside for 12 hours 6 days a week) and I am a SAHM. I am very resentful towards him because he does not do anywhere close to his share of housework, none of the cooking, and really slacks on taking care of the girls when we are both home. My DH does not seem to get it even though we have had several conversations over the last year. If we could afford a therapist we would go, but right now we are just tolerating each other it seems. My advice would be to talk to a therapist, have a date night once a week or whatever you can manage. I feel like if my DH and I could go back to how we acted when we were dating/engaged and just married things would be so much better. Much easier said then done. GL and I hope things get better for you.

Rhonda6754 · July 2013

Ha - KB, I could have written your post myself. Our twins are almost 15 months old and my husband and I tolerate each other these days as well. We both work FT and I also do all of the housework, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning and caring for our girls when we are home. It's harbored much resentment. I've also tried communicating so many times but my husband refuses to work on things or go to therapy. Sad

Maybe really try communicating or seeing a therapist if you can? You have to be open and honest and start sharing how you are feeling or it'll just get worse.

silvie25mar · July 2013

Been there. Dd is now 16 months and it is all starting to SLOWLy go back to what was normal. Although it is nowhere near what it was pre baby it is much better than post. I think 13 months was my super peak of not wanting any intimacy and just being crazy moody and overwhelmed.

What about lifestyle changes? Do you eat right and work out? If not that will definitely help you feel better and maybe even give you the hormone boost you need to get back to where you want to be sexually. Do you ever think about sex at all? Talk to your partner as pp said. The most important thing is communication, and if you need to talk to somebody on the side do that too. Try and make time for yourself as well as that is HUGE and will make a big difference. It took me so long to start to dig myself out of the funk of taking on everything and doing everything and being anxious if somebody else took over. But the more I tried working out, going out, even if it was just a a mani or shopping it helped. Your partner should understand where you're at. I know mine was so frustrated at me about it and just didn't understand why it took so long to subside. I promise you it will change but you have to put forth the effort for yourself first.

mommy2aaron2012 · July 2013

I understand this, my libido went down because of PPD and i was just so exhausted from picking myself up, emotionally, just so i can function physically. my BF didnt get it for a while, especially bc he was staying at home with the baby he thought i shouldnt be tired. have you tried to please yourself? sometimes that helps me get into the mood. it helped with my PPD too, start slow and then bring your hubby in to help you.

tetedefromage · July 2013

I can relate...my LO is 19 months old now and I still want nothing to do with sex. The idea of it grosses me out! But I was thinking maybe it, at least in part, had something to do with still nursing...I know that can sometimes cause the lack of sex drive. But I'm sure its also because of issues in the marriage...I do find myself annoyed with him most of the time these days.

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