Lurker saying hi

Hi all. I've been lurking recently, and probably will for a while, as DH and I are totally undecided. 

We have always discussed having 2 to 3 kids. (We each have 1 sibling, but his mom is 1 of 3, so is my dad, and my mom is 1 of 5. We had actually just never considered having less than 2.)

Then reality just sort of smacked us right in our faces.

We are in our early 30s, and while we were lucky enough to get pregnant quickly when we started TTC, I wound up having a high risk, complicated pregnancy. Which turned into a complicated delivery resulting in an emergency csection. I am truly grateful that DS was fine, aside from some initial respiratory issues. My body on the other hand, was not, and I had a HELLISH recovery, complete with a 2nd reparative surgery at 14 weeks postpartum. I wasn't able to truly lift DS/sit up on my own/do ANYTHING until DS was over 5 months old. We are now both truly scared of another pregnancy/delivery/recovery, particularly because I wouldn't be doing so until after 35 (which puts me in another added category of risk).

One of the reasons we wouldn't be having another until after I'm 35 is because, due to crushing medical bills, job loss, etc, we are in a terrible financial situation, and can barely afford DS now. We are selling our house (breaking even, thankfully; at least not taking a loss!) and moving in with DH's Grandma to try and claw our way back to some kind of stability. It's going to take quite a while (at least 2 years, bare minimum), and I think it's just plain irresponsible to even consider another until our finances are in a stable position.

So problem being??...We still feel like we want 1 or 2 more. Every bit of logic is telling us that it would be a better idea to be OAD, but I can't shake this want for more. (Nor DH). It's not a matter of thinking we'd be depriving DS of a sibling or anything like that (DH basically is an only, because his sister is a freaking mess, and they barely have a relationship); we just somehow don't feel complete as a family yet. Every dream I've ever had has pictured 3 crazy boys running around. (Obviously, I know that's not a guarantee of what we would have). I'm just saying that I've never pictured a family of 3 instead of 4 or 5, and it's making me sad that the logical part of me is considering it because of (logical) fear of medical & financial stuff.

Obviously, we've tabled the discussion until our finances are stable again. I just cant seem to stop myself from thinking about it lately, and feel obsessed with needing to know if OAD is something I can convince myself to do. Has anyone out there needed to convince themselves to be OAD?