Behavior issues HELP

Maebb · July 2013

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My SIL just adopted three children, around the ages of 20 months, 6 years, and 7 years. Everyone who heard about it prior to the adoption was like, "Wow, what an amazing thing you're doing for those children. You're really going to have your hands full!" Yes. They were right.

SIL and her husband are amazing, smart, kind, patient, and I really think they're doing a great job. These are their first and likely only children. They have wanted children for years, and they feel like this is a huge blessing. But SIL kind of had a breakdown last night, and she shared that it's really, really hard, and sometimes she wonders if they can do it. They've had the kids for about a month, and the older two especially are really testing them. They've had a pretty rough background, so it's normal to expect that they would have some behavioral issues, but it's worse than my SIL expected. Sometimes the kids just flip out and completely lose their shitt. I have been there for one of these meltdowns, and it almost seems like the kids are demon possessed or something. That is bad to say, but they go from sweet, normal kids to shrieking, throwing things, saying really awful things, flailing, crying, etc., and it happens in an instant. SIL and H have tried behavior charts where you progress in colors and then there are rewards or consequences, but she hasn't really seen an improvement, and she is feeling discouraged and exhausted.

I feel like part of the issue is that the kids have no concept of discipline, consequences, or accountability, so they're having to build that from scratch. Plus they're in a new place, with people they don't really know who are suddenly mom and dad, new rules, baggage from what happened to them before, etc. Then again, I think behavior challenges and flip outs are somewhat normal, even for a child who has the very best parents and childhood.

Any parenting advice for my SIL or advice for me on how to help and encourage her? I can't babysit for her and H to get a break due to some legal things with the adoption, but maybe taking them some meals or going over to help?

Thanks for reading this far. I might DD this for privacy reasons, but I do really appreciate the advice. I only have a baby, so I'm counting on more experienced parents for advice. TIA!

bes12 · July 2013

I'm a lurker but two years ago I taught a student who sounds extremely similar to this situation, behavior wise. She was given up fr adoption while in my class. Although this is different circumstances I can offer what I used with her. I would say they could definitely use you for support as much as possible. Also it's important to keep a schedule. These kids have been bounced all around and nothig has been constant for them. She can try a behavior chart maybe they can earn a sticker for everyday or half daymorning/afternoon that they make good choices. Once they have earned 10 stickers they get a prize! Focus on good behaviors and don't dwell on the bad. Also keep the kids busy doing organized activities. Hope this helps a little. Good luck!

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beachy6 · July 2013

I definitely think finding a therapist that deals with behavior issues with adoption is very important, and maybe your SIL has already done this. First, she can't take it personally. It's not her or her DH that they're striking out against. They just ticked at their situation and can't really express it. But, at 6 and 7 years old, they definitely can be taught how to express it by a therapist. Also, I have been reading a lot of information on attachment and adoption lately, as we're waiting to be matched, and the one thing that constantly comes up is that children, after being placed will regress to a lower child development level. It sounds like these 6/7 year old kids are acting like toddlers in the way they are expressing themselves. Your SIL needs to treat them as such and meet them where they are developing. It could take months or years, but with consistency, they will come around.

As a teacher and mom, I've noticed that when trying to change behaviors they ALWAYS get worse before they get better. So, between the regression and your SIL trying to change how the children react in certain situations (even if it's something that shouldn't get a huge temper tantrum normally) your SIL needs support. You can do meals or just go and be there with her so she doesn't feel alone. In our state, if you get a background check, you can babysit...but the children need to attach to your SIL and know she'll always be there, even in the horrible temper tantrum times. Sometimes, kids will show you the really ugly sides of themselves just to see if the adults are really serious about sticking with them. They're testing them, in a sense. I had a student do this to his adoptive family and they just stuck it out. I'm sorry to say that it was months that it went on, but in the long term, it was only months and not forever.

mtendere · July 2013

marshmallowevening:
I'm not saying a sticker chart won't help, but chances are there are deeper issues going on that will need to be addressed. It sounds like they probably have past trauma, loss, and attachment issues. I would take the older two to a child friendly therapist who specializes in those issues, or see if there are inhome therapy resources in the area whatever agency she used should be able to direct her to such resources. The kids will probably need individual work, as well as parenting advice for SIL. A good book to maybe give her some practical techniques is "Parenting the Hurt Child". It sounds like you're trying to be supportive as possible which I'm sure is much appreciated. I can imagine taking meals or helping with things around the house would help take some pressure off her.nbsp;

Well said. Sounds like she needs the help of a qualified, experienced therapist. While these kinds of issues are understandable in this kind of situation, it's not something they need to deal with alone. There are people who can help. And it isn't that they are doing anything wrong as parents. They likely need to hear that, too.

mommytoconnor · July 2013

I am an adoptive mom and I know what they are going thru. Behavior issues I think are worse than many medical issues. They wear you down and try your patience. It is to be expected that they have issues with behaviors. They are still in that trying phase where they will try to push their limits and learn what they can and can't do. They are also trying to find out if they can trust their new parents and all that goes along with that. It is a very difficult time. They tend to gang up on the parents and manipulate them too. it is all a normal part of what these kids go thru. Remember they have a hard past and are now learning that there are rules and consequences for their actions. This may be new for them. My best recommendation is to have them contact their case worker and make sure they are documenting their behaviors, what happens, what leads up to them, etc. This will help with court and all. They also could use some help from therapists too, both the kids and parents. The parents can get some suggestions as to what they might try. It is a long hard road and no one can predict how it will be until they are in that position. If they stick to it and be consistent, it will get better. Good luck.

Dr.Loretta · July 2013

I echo the suggestion of a therapist.

Your SIL is going to have "what did we do???" moments. It's perfectly normal. Offer whatever support you can, and see if they can find other support (adoptive parent groups, etc)

And really, they've only had the kids a month. This is classic behavior: "If I flip out on these people, will they send me away? Let's find out" Plus they may be dealing with sleep issues, eating issues, and whatever trauma they've experienced. Your SIL is not alone. They may have to throw some rules out the window for a while until things settle.

GL to them

Rachel Sonnier · July 2013

Just about everything I have read thus far kind of makes it sound like these types of issues are to be expected in the beginning when attachment is being established, and that it will get better. I just finished reading Instant Mom, by Nia Vardalos, and she describes something similar behavior wise. I think their plan was to forgo the rules until attachment had been established and there was some trust and bonding there, and then introduce rules/consequences, etc.
Kudos to you for being such a great sisterinlaw and aunt. I think bringing them meals is a great idea. Give them one less thing to worry about. Being someone for her to open up to and lean on in stressful situations may help also. I am sure your SIL and BIL appreciate all of the help, and your desire to understand what they are going through. I saw a meme the other day that said something to the effect of "The kids who need love the most, will always ask for it in the most unloving ways." Truth. I am sure your nieces and nephews need a great deal of love and understanding during this time of great transition in their lives. :

mysticl · July 2013

I used to be therapeutic foster care worker. It's only been a month. It's way too soon to expect progress. It could take months, even years to see a difference.

Behavioral charts are great, routine is great, consistency is great. These things can work, it will just take time and superhuman amounts of patience. Like many others have said these children need therapy and both parents need to participate.

It is possible that these kids are trying to see if these parents are going to stick. I've seen it a ton of times. Kids get into a new home and since every home they have ever been in has failed them they push and push trying to get the parents to prove they will be there no matter what and in the end the parents can't take it anymore and put in their notice. Your sil and bil need to reinforce over and over that they are a family now and no one is going anywhere.

Mrs.Slick · July 2013

These issues are likely not behavior issues, they're likely attachment and bonding issues. If the children have been in school, they know what is/isn't correct behavior whether they have modeled it or not. I'd seek out an attachment therapist and read up on attachment and bonding.

Best of luck with them and their family!

kacelle · July 2013

Has she read The Connected Child? That could give her some tools as well as help her understand where the behaviors are coming from.

CaptainSerious · July 2013

As the others have said, this behavior is actually to be expected. In fact, it's a good sign. It's a sign that the kids are going through the attachment process. They are starting to enjoy how it feels to be part of your SIL's family, and they are scared that it won't last. They believe that something will happen to make your SIL send them back, so they are acting out to end it on their own terms, rather than waiting and being hurt by it when they least expect it.

I remember those nights! In M's first 18 months home, I questioned whether I ruined our lives, he broke three doors, I thought we were in so over our heads. For about 6 months, he would tantrum almost nightly, and they would last a good 5 hours or so. He's empty out his bedroom (because he didn't need anything from us), turn over his mattress, throw himself on the floor and claim I pushed him, run away from home (only far enough to make sure we were following), break and throw things, scream, flail, you name it. It was awful.

But at the end of each tantrum, he'd completely break down into a little heap, crying hysterically for me. It was clearly a different cry--one that told me he was really scared and needed me, and wanted me to hold him now (if I tried while he was tantruming, he would violently fight me the whole time) and reassure him that I still loved him, he was part of this family forever, and he wouldn't be going anywhere. Then, my husband, M, and I would all clean up his mess together. He wouldn't go to bed without making sure everything was put back just so. I will never forget those 2 am clean-up bonding sessions.

Just as I know how awful it is to be in the middle of it, I know how necessary it can be. J has never had such extreme break-downs, and it's been over a year, and we are still having trouble breaking through the wall he's set up between us. It's very frustrating because we never feel really close to him in the same way, and he perceives the differences, which hurts him and makes him feel less loved.

In addition to Parenting the Hurt Child and some of the other adoptiong/attachment books mentioned above, perhaps reading Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control may help.

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