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One & Done: Only child
loveslife
member
issues
loveslife
member
My husband and I met, we were older 36 and 39. He had a 17 year old daughter from prior marriage and I had no kids. I always thought that I would have 2 kids. When we were dating, we definitely talked about having kids and possibly more than one. I had our son 5 month ago and he is a joy but a handful. He is a very bad sleeper and both of us are extremely sleep deprived and tired. His daughter was not happy about her half-brother being born. In the 5 month, she has not once looked at him, touched him or even acknowledged his presence so he feels very upset and torn. My husband told me that he thought long and hard about it and he does not want to have any more kids. He said that he is 40, he has a daughter and a son, and he want to be a little selfish after we raise our son and he does not think he can handle more responsibility so he is pretty certain no more kids for him. I am not as certain that I don?t want any more kids. I am not sure if I would always regret not giving our son a sibling that he could grow up with and that actually wants to be around him. I am just not prepared to rule out with 100 percent certainty of not having another baby. The thing is that if I had known that he only wanted to have one child, I am not sure I would have married him. I am a little bitter: he has everything he always wanted: a daughter and a son but he is depriving me of having an opportunity to have that as well. I am pretty upset that he changed his mind and I have no choice but to live with it. I am really not sure what to do?
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Re: issues
You certainly have a lot of things to consider. I'm sorry you are going through that - I don't envy your position.
From my perspective, you probably won't convince your husband to have another child. Even if he acquiesces because you give him an ultimatum, that would probably be detrimental to your relationship. I can tell you from experience that when you are certain you don't want another child, the thought of having one is horrifying.
You have a right to have another child if you desperately want to, and your husband has the right to say enough is enough. Your dreams for the future may not be compatible. Good luck to you as you figure this out.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know you must feel very disappointed that he's changed his mind. I don't have a lot of words of wisdom to share with you, but I will pose one question - do you feel like you could give up your marriage and your family together at the hope that you would meet someone else who would be able to give you another child, or to have another child on your own? I'm not sure if that's where your post was heading, but give yourself a lot of time to think about what you really want for yourself and your son - and what you're willing to sacrifice - before you make any decisions. And, in that time, perhaps your husband will change his mind - I know 5 months in, my husband would not have even entertained the idea of another child. We were still too much in the throws of adjusting to parenthood together. Even if your husband doesn't change his mind, you might find yourself coming to terms with everything more easily.
And, maybe counseling would be a good idea. Not to try to convince him to have another child, but just to be able to talk through your (and his) feelings together with a third party. It sounds like some family counseling might not be a bad idea either if your SD is having such a hard time adjusting to her new sibling. It sounds like that is having an effect on your husband and I would guess, an effect on you and your son as well.
Hang in there and good luck to you!
I have known people who changed their minds -- in both directions -- after they got through the first year of sleep deprivation and misery. His definition of thinking long and hard is a little weak at just five months.
Depending on how quickly you expected to TTC again, it may be best to just table the issue for now. You're both in a very fragile place emotionally and will be for months yet. It really isn't just women who go through PPD, for example.
Ride out the sleep deprivation stage (who knows how long that lasts) and see what your husband thinks. Right now he has a young baby that is making everyone exhausted and doesn't do a whole lot more than eat, sleep and poop. Once your son is a bit older and is interacting with your husband maybe he will change his mind. Most men don't bond with their babies until well after 6months when they start to be "fun".
I also would think it might help for you to wait a few more months so hormones and sleep deprivation are not ruling your decisions and feelings towards your husband. You might feel very different towards him when your baby is 12months or 18months and you may realize that staying with your husband makes you happy even with only one baby.