What are your fears?

Km672 · July 2013

Do you have any fears about using Third Party Reproduction?

Anything in the back of your mind that makes this hard?

DoublePortion · July 2013

Since I'm still in the waiting phase my fear is that it'll never happen. That I'll never receive embryos or that if I do it won't work. If a donor embryo cycle fails I don't know where I'd go from there. I know DH doesn't want to do this forever but I can't see a happy life for myself if I'm childless. I occasionally think about traditional adoption but honestly it scares the bejesus out of me!

I'm sure this isn't the answer you're looking for but it's where I'm at.

liz4paws · July 2013

Like DP, my fears are more about our future could be childless if none of the steps that we are taking ever amount to us having a child. I can't picture my life without children to share it with. We would pursue traditional adoption if we went through all of our donated embryos without success, but that path really scares me to death emotionally and financially. I do fear draining our bank account in the pursuit of this.

As for TPR, I actually have less fears using TPR than I do if I was using my OE!

Great question, I'm eager to read the other responses.

LittleLady77 · July 2013

Spending a fortune and ending up childless.

It's scary to even write that down.

AmCheri · July 2013

My perspective is different because we now have our daughter thanks to the miracle of DE. Even though she's here, I still have worries. I wonder if my love and bond is as strong as it might have otherwise been. I wonder if she'll have a closer bond with my husband. I worry that once she knows, she'll resent me. I dread the day my little girl says to me, "You're not my mother." I'm afraid that DE will always be an issue in my head. I worry that my inlaws (with whom our daughter is genetically related) will somehow see me as less of her mother. Are my fears rational? Probably not at all, but they cross my mind.

All that said, my days aren't filled with fear and worry. They're filled with love, gratitude and peace. I adore this little girl, but I also think that to some extent, DE thoughts will always be there. I'm sure with time, these nagging fears will dissipate.

Sharon216 · July 2013

This is a great question and I am also looking forward to seeing others responses. I think I have fears about using DE for a second child more so than I would for a first but I don't really have any way to know that for sure. DD is the spitting image of me at her age and definitely has my personality (which is not always a good thing since, according to my mom, I was a handful until I moved out of the house!) I worry that if I were to have another DD with a DE cycle, I wouldn't have the same bond I do with my first. Rational or not, part of me thinks it would be a lot easier emotionally if I had a DS with a DE cycle because I can't picture what a male version of me would even look like (I only have a sister, no brothers).

I do understand that it's different to end up childless than to end up with only one child, but for me the fear of not giving DD a sibling is very much a part of my daily thoughts. I hope that does not sound insensitive to those of you trying for your first. That's not my intention. My dad passed away suddenly when I was 27 and since my parents had been divorced for 10 years, it was up to my sister and I to handle everything. I can't imagine life without a sibling, even though my sister often drives me crazy.

happywifemomofone · July 2013

Good question KM672!!

I fear the day that I begin sharing my child's story of how he/she came to be. I plan to start early, use age appropriate books and tools-but still, will I screw it up? Will I be able to teach a child about this so that the response is that he/she has always known that we had help to conceive. We met with the social worker, and I understand telling your child on a cognitive level over time.....but it scares the wits out of me!! I am so glad that this board is here to give me support as we face all these different challenges!!!

I also worry that my son might reject this child if he learns that this baby is not genetically his sibling. To me, genetics has taken a backseat to family-in whatever for that looks like.....but, I know that I cannot control how others feel about things.

Km672 · July 2013

I am very worried. I am also more hopeful than I've been in a very long time.

I am mostly afraid it won't work. Like DP and Liz have mentioned, I can't live my life childless. I don't know how another failed cycle would affect me and my H. Failing multiple IVFs that always had huge obstacles was devastating. I am so scared to live through another disappointment, especially since we are truly hopeful this time.

If it does work, I'm afraid my child will reject me. I am scared they will be angry with us for using 2 donors to create them and I already dread the day they tell me I'm not their mother.
My H is worried about what other people will think, I'm really not concerned about that. I'm concerned about how our child will feel about everything.

Jodygin · July 2013

I'm 8w2d pregnant with donor egg. I'm thrilled after the long journey I've been down. However, I have fears. First one is getting thru the pregnancy without any complications. Then, I start thinking about will other people know that I used donor because my baby doesn't look like me. We don't want to ever tell the child that he/she comes from donor. Is this ok?

BabyVDM · July 2013

Jodygin:
I'm 8w2d pregnant with donor egg. I'm thrilled after the long journey I've been down. However, I have fears. First one is getting thru the pregnancy without any complications. Then, I start thinking about will other people know that I used donor because my baby doesn't look like me. We don't want to ever tell the child that he/she comes from donor. Is this ok?

This, I am too afraid to actually let myself relax and celaebrate our good fortune. I've got 10 dys until our first u/s and I can't help but worry that we will have another tragic loss.

I'm worried that the one woman I told, who can't stop telling people will eventully spread the word to someone who actually knows me or my friends/family. I do not want to be the last to know that our private decision is public.

My DH and I are still deciding whether or not we will tell our child. I don't want to be forced to because someone else might.

And I think it is perfectly ok not to tell the child because unless genetics becomes a everyday part of our lives and they start selling dna tests over the counter, it's not likely to come to light.

stinkerbell6879 · July 2013

Right now?? My fear is just getting through this next cycle and getting a BFP. In the grand scheme of finances and DE we have done ok with keeping cost in check, but still we are OOP with everything, but my meds.So this being DE IVF#2 is making me feel panicky about it not working again.

The rest of the fears will come in time I am sure if we do get a BFP, we plan on being open with the child, but I will limit who knows until they are older and can let that be there story to tell, if that makes sense?

GetwickMom · July 2013

Having not cycled yet, my biggest fear is not being able to handle things financially if we need multiple cycles. Beyond that I'm terrified of the day when I tell people we had a BFP but its the surrogate, not me, who is pregnant. My family is Catholic so I fear the judgement and insecurity of those nine months more than anything. Will I feel like less on a woman? Less of a mother? Will people see me as less of a mother? We still are undecided about disclosing GS to a child, we would disclose if we used donor gametes, but what effect will that have?

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