1st Trimester
bmomlax
member
planned but upset?
bmomlax
member
I haven't had strong urges to get pregnant and have kids (and in fact just watching some video on here showing a girl growing over time kind of made me queasy even though she was totally cute and little and didn't gain weight anywhere but her belly), but my husband did. Actually on a scale of 1-10 he wanted kids 8/10 and I was 8/10 the other direction. Everyone keeps telling me "when you get pregnant and have kids you'll be happy, you just don't even know". Well, I'm now pregnant and even though it is early I'm still really unhappy. Trying my hardest to act normal and not cry all the time about it. (I was really secretly hoping that I couldn't get pregnant). Lots of posts about unhappy husbands, but anyone else out there unhappy about a planned pregnancy and have any suggestions/tips. When do I start to "fall in love" with this thing I feel it going to ruin my life and body?
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Re: planned but upset?
Usually I say the person who doesn't want kids "wins" or the couple should consider splitting, but clearly that's late here. It's really hard to compromise about something like kids and can leave someone feeling as you do.
Now, what are your concerns? Ruining your body and life?
Your body will change. But you can still look darn hot after having kids. You may not look 100 percent the same, but moms can be HOT and work out and so on.
What are your concerns about ruining your life? Can you tell me what you're afraid of losing?
-- DS 3.8.14
-- MC 9.22.16 at 8 wks
Horse is out of the barn at this point, right?
Some people believe they'll love the kid when it happens or are pressured and don't feel they can admit they don't want kids.
Thing is, OP still doesn't have to have a baby.
The truth of the matter is that pregnancy is not always a happy event for a woman. It sounds like you got pregnant to please your husband, and because it was the "thing to do". That is very very unfortunate because now you might feel stuck. I'm sorry you might feel that way. If you really feel this way I urge you to talk to your husband, and maybe a counselor about your feelings before you continue.
Often these feelings don't go away and the child pays the price. I'm not saying that you wouldn't eventually love your child, but that you are setting yourself up for serious depression, and issues rearing the child that you ultimately did not want. That's not fair to you, your husband or the kid.
I'm not a huge fan of abortion, but that is an option if you truly feel trapped and don't want this. You don't have to go through with the pregnancy. I don't know what that would mean for your marriage though. Again, I think marriage counseling would be in your best interest. It sounds like effective, truthful communication has gone by the wayside and that really does need to happen here.
I wish you luck no matter what you decide.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
I'm 33, he is 41. We have been together for about 10 years. He knew, I thought my biological clock would kick in. We are both only children, so I am concerned when we are old if we don't have kids he will be lonely and regret it.
I am concerned about a lot of things. My body, yes, the rules during pregnancy. All my fav foods on the no-no list. The things I like to do: triathlons, travel will be very difficult with children. We have almost no retirement savings so once we have kids we will have even less to spend on things we enjoy. I work 45-80 hours a week depending on the week. Usually I get up between 5:15-6:45 depending on if I am working out before work and get home in time to eat dinner around 7:30, sometimes not until 10, other times I may work all night (I work in an OR so I don't have a set time I get to go home). I don't feel like that is fair to kids to maybe go days without seeing me. I can't imagine having to get up another hour earlier to get a kid ready for day care or get up all night to feed them after that. Everyone tells me "I just dont know what it is like and I will be so in love and happy once I have kids" only I'm not sure that is 100% accurate. What if those hormones don't kick in, what if I don't become attactched. My parents and grandparents were very un-involved growing up. I was told to go play in the back yard or my room alot. I was a terrible child which is why I am only child and apparently got the terrible two's at 18 mo and didn't get rid of them until 23 years. Children may never move out or come back and suck the rest of your retirement right out of you. I have cousin's who won't move out and are mooching of mom and dad in their 20's. And I apparently have never seen a fully pregnant belly before and watching that video literally disgusted me to the point where I thought I may vomit for an hour or so and can't stop bawling my eyes out (maybe some of that is hormones I hope). Can't really talk to anyone about it b/c no one understands my point and insists I "just don't know" and maybe I don't
what is MUD and where can I find those posts b/c I would really like to connect with those people and see how it worked out for them
thanks
Ok, I don't understand. If you had all of these (very valid points mind you) issues then why oh why did you agree to get pregnant or even TTC? These are all very big parts of parenting and if you didn't want to do them then you should have been up front with your husband about it.
Also, I can't say that I understand why you would want to have fertility problems. That's not a very nice thing to say, truthfully. It was foolish to gamble on the off chance that you might not be able to get pregnant. Especially if you know that you don't want kids.
Just to warn you a bit: I can understand that not everyone wants to be pregnant, and that mistakes happen. I have sympathy for those. I have relatively little sympathy for someone who TTC's and openly doesn't want children just to please their partner. Now you are here, pregnant and don't want to be. This was 100 percent preventable.
There are ladies that suffered long and hard to get pregnant (suffering IF and reoccurring miscarriages). I know that their fertility has nothing to do with yours and all, but its particularly difficult for some of them to hear someone else wishing for fertility problems. So, I might advise you to cool it with stating that over and over. We get it, you didn't want to be pregnant, but now you are.
You have options: woman up and tell your husband how you feel. Then, decide if you want to abort or adopt. I really feel that parenting might not be the best decision for you. However, that's not my call. Just my opinion.
Its pretty schitty to play russian roulette with baby making though. I have to say that.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
We travel with kids and have friends who do marathons and triathlons with kids. It's very doable. You may not do it as often when they're teeny but they do grow.
Busy schedules and kids can work, promise.
Please see someone to talk about your upbringing and your fears and marriage. You may be commited but raising a child you resent will destroy your marriage.
That's not helpful here. OP cannot change her outlook just because you tell her to or point out others can't have kids. Not everyone needs to want kids or see them as blessings. She may come around or may not but your post is unhelpful.
I'm in the medical field, and understand fully that some people (friend's I have included) woudl give anything to conceive. I have close friends who have spent their entire life savings and ended up using donor eggs they were so desperate, that just isn't me. We weren't actively trying (literally had sex once the whole month) just not actively preventing it b/c it is something my husband wants very much, and I feel ALOT of pressure to try from him and my friends. I love their kids, i hope I will love mine. I had 2 very early miscarriages (1 almost immidately at 4 weeks the other at 5 weeks exactly) so I am no stranger. My ob felt I was not likely to get pregnant in the first place because i get my period every 3 weeks and it lasts for 1 day, so I was hoping if we tried (or didn't prevent it) and it didn't work out that my husband could feel satisified that I didn't deny him the chance. We discussed prior that if I coudln't conceive that we wouldn't do any fertility treatments and he was ok with that. My mother finished menopause at 40, so at 33 I am probably pushing the age limit on my eggs.
I love my husband, and try to do everything I can to make this the best marriage ever, and I was just looking for reassurance that it would be ok, and there were other people out there who were scared, and upset and depressed at first, and that over time mother nature or hormones or whatever took their course and sorted it all out and made everything ok and that they were happy glowing mothers in the end, because that is what I want to be..a great mom, I just am scared that I won't bond and become one. I never thought of it as russian roulette with baby making and I don't think having an abortion (as another poster suggested I think about) is an optiong either b/c I am still committed to doing this for my husband. I just need someone else who has been there to give me reassurance that it is going to be ok
for my husband. I mean, who wins that argument? He wants them I don't. I feel like a selfish if I say no b/c it isn't something he can do without me like take up a hobby or go on vacation even if I say no
If you use the quote button people will know who you are talking to.
There are people who come around and people who don't. If you love other kids that helps.
Does it help to know your life isn't ending? It may move at a slower pace for a few years but you can still work long hours and do triathlons. Promise. Travel can happen too!
I am so sorry for your upbringing. Not all childhoods are like that. You don't have to be like that. You can be more involved and more active. People run and bike and do triathlons and travel with their kids. It can work.
Tell your dh you're scared. Tell him it's hard to imagine the changes and it is frightening and ask if you can do therapy both alone and with him.
You guys can get through this. And you can have a life and a kid you love. When not KU I hiked daily with my kid. I also love cooking and cooked all the time. We traveled a few times a year. It is ALL doable. Despite health issues I've run four races in the past two years and could have done more if not for my health.
thanks, this is what I need to hear
I've never been a baby person, never ever. I loved my life pre-baby and had quite the busy schedule similar to you.
However, I couldn't imagine my life 15 years from now without children in it.
All that being said, when my daughter was born in 2011, I was in for a world of hurt and reality. There was no "OMG I'm a mom!" lightening bolt moment. I didn't have insta maternal instincts, and I yearned for my old life back. I thought to myself, "omg what have I done?"
Truthfully, outside of breastfeeding, my husband was my daughter's primary caregiver for the first 5-6 months of her life.
All that being said, I'm an amazing toddler mom, and I'm looking forward to growing our family.
You need to prepare yourself that there may not be a lightening bolt moment where everything suddenly clicks. This isn't going to be easy. You need to be honest with your husband and open about your feelings. I was lucky that mine stepped up and took over.
thanks. I've finally calmed down a bit for the evening. I'm sure when my husband gets home and asks about my day I will be a hot mess all over again. I'm blaming hormones, but the last few entries have helped. now on to my next question...why don't my boobs hurt? seems like everyone has sore boobs but me. If I'm going to be an emotional wreck I should at least get some cleavage out of the deal
I think RondackHiker has given you a lot of fabulous perspective and i just do want to add one more thing - I'm not saying that you will or you won't fall in love like so many moms do but *I* was not a fan of babies until i had my own. Had never changed a diaper, knew nothing about holding a baby and certainly didn't know what i was getting into. I had my awesome, high-powered career and got fulfillment from my job and from the man i married.
It didn't happen when i got pregnant. It didn't happen when they first put my daughter in my arms...it didn't even happen within the first month. But, somewhere, somehow, i fell head over heels in love with my child in a way that sometimes makes it difficult to breathe. I hope that it's the same for you too and i want you to know that, if you decide to keep this pregnancy, it may not happen during your pregnancy or even in the hospital - but there may be a point where you wonder how you ever questioned the love a mother has for her child.
There are crap parents out there - and it sounds like you had a crap childhood - but you're asking all the right questions and doing a lot of introspection. I'd say that's a great first step to being a good mom.
Good luck!
With my last pregnancy I had similar feelings. My husband and I wanted another baby ( I have 2 from my 1st marriage and 2 with my husband) . I'm normally fertile mertel and get pregnant on the 1st try. Well that time it was taking a little longer and we had agreed if I wasn't prego this last try we would take a break from trying. The day before I took a test my children were being overly rambunctious and crazy and sitting there ready to rip my hair out I decided having another wasn't a good idea. Next am I had a positive test which surprised me cuz I really thought it was going to be another negative.
I was so depressed, I cried all the time, I just couldn't feel happy. I broke down in my ob's office and told her how i felt and she refered me to a therapist. It was very helpful. I was put on medication but I wheened myself off it just before my 3rd trimester and was fine. I felt better, I was happy and excited.
I also have a friend that had more of your situation. Hubby wanted kids she didn't and made no secret about it. She got pregnant unplanned and was miserable. Her beautiful girl was born in march and although she's still upset about how things happened and that her life will never be the same, she is totally in love with her! It took her till her baby was born and in her arms but she got there and you will too.
Most important, don't feel bad for your feelings, you're entitled to them, but you probably should go see someone. It really can help. Good luck to you.
Since you are far from the only one who feels this way, and perhaps the only one brave enough to share it, I'd ask you to leave it up if you can bear to ignore it. Others can gain knowledge here.
Yeah, deleting would be very very poor taste. Leave it up for others to read and benefit from. People took time to respond and help you. Don't shiit on them by deleting.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
This won't be an easy thing for others to get. We're told mommies all love their baby IMMEDIATELY. Well, not all do. Not even immediately after birth. Motherhood isn't a magic switch that makes you super happy. So if you expect that and don't get it, it's a shock. And people who have struggled may be upset to hear that what you got so easily is unwanted. It's hard to seperare those.
People also have trouble understanding others with different viewpoints. They want their baby and most here desperately do, so to have someone say they're not doing black flips of joy seems sacrilege to them.
Ignore the negativity. I wouldn't say you wished for fertility issues but it's okay to have mixed feelings now. No one gets to scold or shame you into feeling a certain way.
isnt it OPs third??? She also posted about not having symptoms at 4 weeks... People offered comfort then realized it wa the same poster and that post was deleted. I don't have a ton of sympathy after that.
This is a good response. This person is right, there is no magic happy mommy switch. I am on my third pregnacy, and honesltly, I am overwhelmed with the 2 kids I already have -- not sure what I am going to do with THREE! I am having some similar feelings as you, in that I was just getting to the point where i can leave the house without baby crap in tow, my kids are getting more independent, I was in great shape again, and I am SO ready to get out of the house and work again (I'm a stay-at-home mom)...and now we are starting allllll over again. It IS overwhelming, and you may not feel excited for awhile. My first was a hard baby (and a surprise) and I didn't bond with her til she was 10 months old (she had colic). BUT I do remind myself that the first 4 years are the hardest (well til theyre teens I guess) and parenthood is a calling and a blessing and no one says it is a cake walk. It is hard! And not everyone is a glowing earth mama. And I strongly dislike being pregnant, but I think you do need to give yourself more time to adjust to the idea and accept that you might not be over the moon til baby gets here (and til you get through those first hard months), bvut I do think that you WILL love your child.
My pregnancy was planned, and wanted. However, I had some nasty anxiety the whole time... about how we'd handle things financially, what this would do to my body, my hobbies, etc. I was worried I would resent my child for the changes.
Then I met her.
I just loved her so much. I still worry, but she's more worth it than I ever imagined while TTC. I hope things turn out well for you, too.