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Blended Families
When the ex is a cop in a small town (advice needed)
A very close friends daughter (N) got divorced from her husband (a police officer) over a year ago. They have a 7yr old DD. For the last year he has been single, has not been an involved dad and barely took advantage of his visitation. He is a douche canoe for many other reasons but this is already going to be too long. He has recently started a new relationship with another police officer and his efforts towards his daughter picked up. My friend was happy to see N and Ex be able to get along and co-parent. The new GF seemed like a nice lady and everything was going great.
A few weeks ago ex dropped DD off after his visitation and told N that DD was showing some strange behavior. Also, that based on his police training he thought DD was being sexually abused. Even though this was completely out of left field, N was very concerned and took her DD to the doctor right away. The doctor found no evidence of sexual abuse and complimented N that DD was a well adjusted stable kid. N told ex the results and thought the issue was closed.
Ex opened a case with the police department. Ex, N and DD had to meet with a police counselor for abused kids. Ex made all kinds of allegations to the counselor about N and accused N's brother of being the one to sexually abuse DD. Keeping in mind Ex has known N's family for over ten years. N's brother and DD are very close - as in close knit family. She's his precious and she adores her uncle J. Needless to say this has completely devastated my friends family. They have tried to remain nice to Ex despite the divorce for the sake of their granddaughter. They feel totally kicked in the stomach.
Fortunately, the counselor saw right through Ex's BS. She interviewed DD privately and her conclusions were: 1) when the counselor mentioned uncle J, DD lit up like a Christmas Tree. Her conclusion was that uncle J was obviously a positive person in DD's life. Also, that N, memaw (my friend) and pawpaw were creating a stable, healthy and positive environment for DD. 2) There is no evidence of sexual abuse. 3) DD's acting out behaviors were due to wanting attention from Ex, who was a no show the first year and now is suddenly taking his father role seriously. DD only acts out when she is with Ex. Ex needs to be more consistent, etc. So that pretty much back fired on him.
We couldn't think of WTH he was doing this and making up these crazy allegations until last week when he dropped DD back home after his visitation. In front of GF, N and DD, ex drops the bomb that DD wants come live with them. N was not going to discuss this in front of DD, said just that, and left. Ex texted N that she is BSC and all other kinds of rubbish because she would not discuss it with him in front of DD. So we think that Ex is trying to build a case against N to get custody of DD. They do have a CO and N has physical custody.
After the police counselor said that N's family was providing a stable environment for DD, Ex called his parents and asked them to move to our town. Which they did immediately (one week they didn't live here and the following week they did). N thinks that is his way of showing he has a "stable environment". When the sexual abuse allegation didn't stick he is now trying to use DD to say she wants to live with him. When my friend spoke with DD, her granddaughter, DD said that Ex and GF made her do iny/meany/miny/mo to make the decision about who she wanted to live with. WTF?? I'm so angry as I type this want to beat his azz.
Along with everything, N lives two doors down from another police officer that Ex has turned against her. This is a very small town and both Ex and GF are police officers. They know the system, they know the judges, etc. If Ex is capable of accusing uncle J of sexual abuse (Ex has know J since J was 13 yrs old) and willing to completely alienate himself from N and her family we are very worried about what else he is capable of. What twisted crap will he pull next? Ex pays $600 a month in CS ($150 less than he is supposed to since N was nice and reduced the amount). My friend and N believe that Ex wants custody so he doesn't have to pay the CS. He is obviously willing to do whatever it takes, make accusations, move his parents to our town, and make his daughter use a kid game to make decisions about where she wants to live.
Sorry this is so long but I wanted to get as many details out there as possible. I know some of you ladies have seen a lot of crazy stuff in your BF situations. I was hoping if I put this here you could give some hard nosed advice that I could provide to my friend and N. N has an attorney and I told her she should continue to keep DD in therapy, even if it is just to help with the aftermath of the divorce. But if she keeps it up, the therapist will be able to know the whole story and follow it from the beginning. What else can N do to prepare to battle Ex? It is very hard knowing Ex has the support of the police dept and possibly judges, etc. N is a hard working single mom who has been through hell. My heart is just breaking for her. Thanks for taking the time to read and for any suggestions.
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Re: When the ex is a cop in a small town (advice needed)
I had a friend who went through something similar. No kids, but he (cop) accused her (stbXw) of stealing his equipment. Probably because he lost it and didn't want to get in trouble, but maybe because he wanted to screw her.
After it was all said and done, she was ADIMENT (sp?) about the need to get a lawyer to represent you in a situation like she was in. She went down to the police station (with her lawyer) to tell her side / resolve things - and they read her her rights! She was charged with a felony (because the value of the equipment was so large).
Also in her case, she filed a complaint with the DA about the false accusation. She did not report her stbX with the police station.
The charges against her were dropped, and he hasn't harassed her since, probably because he knows she will lawyer up and defend herself. I don't know what happened to him as a result of her going to the DA, but he stopped bugging her.
Document, document, document (including how he didn't take visitation before if she can remember the dates), but also she needs to realize this is serious and not hesitate to lawyer up - - it is the best money she can spend.
Obviously, ditto for her brother!!! He may want to consider getting a lawyer and going to the DA / prosecutor so that there is an end to the accusations.
Not only should she hire a lawyer, so should her brother and the rest of the family, and they should find out who the best one is in the area that also knows the judges.
The last time XH had court in Texas, we hired a really good lawyer in town and XH essentially got out of a pretty crappy deal that was put on him, pretty much with a wink-wink, nudge-nudge from a very well respected lawyer (and a former judge himself).