Coming Out of Hiding to Talk About Second Children

BalancingJane · July 2013

Hi everyone,

My LO is now two and a half, and I haven't been on the Bump in so long that I had to reset my password to log in today.

I'm coming out of hiding to ask what might be a touchy question: how did you know if you wanted another baby?

For a long time, I thought we were done after having my daughter (an only child so far), but now I'm not so sure. I go back and forth and completely change my mind just about daily (sometimes even hourly). It seems like EVERYONE I know who was pregnant when I was pregnant is pregnant now or already has another baby, but I don't want to have another baby just because I feel like I'm "supposed" to (and I would like to finish my PhD before I have another one either way).

So, my question is, how did you know? My decision process for having the first one wasn't conflicted at all, so I don't know how to feel about this apprehension.

hologram87 · July 2013

This was me about a year ago. I was pretty sure that DD was going to be our one and only, but the more I thought about it and the more I saw friends that had more than one kid, I thought it would be good for DD to have a sibling, but also for us to add another member to our family.

I understand the "supposed" to thing too. It does feel like there is pressure to not have an only child, like your child will be scarred if they don't have a sibling. I felt guilty for a bit, thinking I was doing DD a disservice if I didn't have a baby, but I also didn't want to force her to try to get along with a sibling just to please society.

DH and I talked about it a lot. He was always ready for a second, but knew that I wavered about it. I did not have a good relationship with my sister growing up and thought about that a lot, thinking DD and her sibling might not get along. DH and his brother had a great relationship and that's what he wanted for DD. It took me about 6 months or so of serious thinking to realize I was ready, but honestly, even after I got pregnant, I doubted myself for the first couple weeks. Was I doing the right thing? Was DD going to resent me, DH or the baby? She's been our one and only for 3.5 years! But I realized that our family didn't feel done yet, so we started trying.

I'm sure it's going to be a big change for her, and for us, but I can't wait to hold him and see how they interact. I completely understand your post. I hope that you can do some thinking about what you really want. Talk to your DH about what he really wants too. Do you want another just because you think that's what is expected? Or do you want another because you can't wait to have another baby? A lot to think about and not an easy decision.

I wish you all the best!

BalancingJane · July 2013

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response! Something you said really resonated with me. I've had a strained relationship with my sister, too, and I wonder if that's the source of some of this anxiety.

BrandyD06 · July 2013

For me I just knew, when my first son was one year me and my husband decided we would try again so they wouldn't be to far apart but wouldn't be to close together either. Each person is different. Just make sure you don't want another baby just because yours is growing up. Lots of moms go through that faze (my self included). My sister who hated being pregnant and only really wanted one child, went through this when my nephew was about two. I am not saying that you are doing that, just that it's a possibility.

BalancingJane · July 2013

AnakinsMommy:
Just make sure you don't want another baby just because yours is growing up.

I think about this a lot, too. At some point, some baby will have to be the last baby, no matter how many you have. You might be able to delay missing those amazing baby moments, but we'll all have to face it at some point. I'm trying to untangle that wave of nostalgia from everything else and figure out where I stand, but it's not easy.

hmontty · July 2013

I had no doubt whatsoever and was delighted to start trying again at DD's first birthday. Got pregnant on the first try and literally danced with joy at the positive test. Now I have a wonderful baby boy and cant imagine our family without him.

hmontty · July 2013

hologram87:
This was me about a year ago.   I was pretty sure that DD was going to be our one and only, but the more I thought about it and the more I saw friends that had more than one kid, I thought it would be good for DD to have a sibling, but also for us to add another member to our family.

I understand the "supposed" to thing too. It does feel like there is pressure to not have an only child, like your child will be scarred if they don't have a sibling. I felt guilty for a bit, thinking I was doing DD a disservice if I didn't have a baby, but I also didn't want to force her to try to get along with a sibling just to please society.

DH and I talked about it a lot. He was always ready for a second, but knew that I wavered about it. I did not have a good relationship with my sister growing up and thought about that a lot, thinking DD and her sibling might not get along. DH and his brother had a great relationship and that's what he wanted for DD. It took me about 6 months or so of serious thinking to realize I was ready, but honestly, even after I got pregnant, I doubted myself for the first couple weeks. Was I doing the right thing? Was DD going to resent me, DH or the baby? She's been our one and only for 3.5 years!   But I realized that our family didn't feel done yet, so we started trying.

I'm sure it's going to be a big change for her, and for us, but I can't wait to hold him and see how they interact.   I completely understand your post. I hope that you can do some thinking about what you really want.   Talk to your DH about what he really wants too. Do you want another just because you think that's what is expected? Or do you want another because you can't wait to have another baby?   A lot to think about and not an easy decision.

I wish you all the best!

Just a word of encouragement: my DD absolutely adores her little brother, and vice versa. We had no jealousy issues at all, and in fact, DD loves to help take care of DS.

WestCoastMommy · July 2013

You are not alone. DH and I each had 3 siblings but after we had DS we strongly considered one and done. First off in this day and age 1 is financially easier to handle and two, it was just nice being done with all the baby stuff and moving forward. We couldn't decided if we wanted to bring anymore kids into this new crazy world we live in. We went back and fourth about when to start trying, should we start trying, will we regret this if we decided either way etc. We decided we didn't want our son to be an only child because we both enjoyed our families and we would love to see DS interact with a sibling so we went for it. We tried for 2 months and then had that feeling of, "wait No we are happy they way we are," and then decided to stop trying. lol We sound crazy right!

So I went to the Dr. to get back on BC and after some standard tests got a call 2 days later saying that I was pregnant. Done. Our decision was made at that point and we never looked back. We are so happy with our family now. It just feels right. This is what we were meant to be. We were lucky to be blessed with a healthy boy and girl. DH has had a vasectomy since. We knew one would be great and two would also be fine but no more then that. I think either way we would of been happy but believe me, making that decision was so freaken hard for us. I totally understand how you feel.

My advice would be to think down the road a little when your child is maybe 8+ years. Do you see your family with one child or would you feel regret that you didn't have more. Some times when life is overwhelming we make a decisions for the moment and not for our future. For us I know we would have regretted not having a second child. Sorry I kind of rambled but I hope it helped lol

WestCoastMommy · July 2013

and I wanted to add that DS who is 5 and DD who is 2.5 love the crap out of each other. Yes they have their daily fights and screams over toy's and which cartoons to watch but in the end they are each others favorite playmates. They look after one another and truly are best friends.

I never thought I could love another child as much as I loved DS but you do.

WhitWed · July 2013

We were just going to be one and done with our DD. Right around the time she was 10mo we were just so enamored with her that we thought we could, and should, do it again. We wanted DD to have a sibling to experience life with and we also wanted to give another human being the gift of life. We just had our DS one month ago and am glad we made this decision. DD actually loves having a little brother (at least right now that he's a lump and not invading her toys) and we are pushing through the sleepless nights. I think it will get better each day! I wish you luck with your decision. It's definitely a personal one. Apprehension is normal and there are moments each day when it's difficult, or frustrating, due to being tired, but that will pass and you'll be well on your way with a family of 4!

jjones59 · July 2013

This is me all the time, I know I don't want my daughter to be the only one. I however, just can't get past the cost of a second one which is slowing me down for wanting to have another one. I keep telling myself I want to wait until she potty trained and into preschool, but then I sit here each day and she keeps growing and I miss the baby stage and how much she'd like to have a little brother or sister.

I completely understand and was actually coming on here to ask about having number 2 and when do you get past all the stresses of having number 2.

msmrisk · July 2013

Thanks for all the thoughtful posts! I'm on the back and forth train of thought as well. DS just turned 4. We said once he was 3, we were done. Well, everything keeps coming up baby- someone has a baby, someone gets pregnant, I get a diaper sample in the mail, I come across DS' baby stuff by accident. I feel like someone is trying to tell me something - or that I'm crazy. I want to just leave it up to fate, but I keep track of ovulation, so that'd be hard!
I liked having a sister, so I would love that for DS. Then I go back to thinking how love 1-on-1 time with him, knowing that I could carve out time for that even with another child. Sigh.
Mommy brain! Good luck with your decsions!

ReeB83 · July 2013

I'm right there with you. I am an only child in a really small family. My husband is from a HUGE family where you start thinking about #2 as soon as you've healed from #1. With DS almost 4, my IL's have insisted that DS is bored and will grow up sad and lonely. I have anxiety issues and spent the first couple months of DS's life FREAKING OUT, and I wasn't even working back then. Now that I'm working, I'm sure that I'd end up in a psych ward with two kids and a full time teaching job that never ends. But.....

I couldn't imagine our family being done already. I kinda just wanna hold me breath, hit the sheets and see what happens.

Good luck.

ChelsiAnn13 · July 2013

I am in the same boat. But I decided to go back to college for a new degree so I decided I would wait until after I am done and see how I feel. I think since I change my mind so much that I'm not ready yet. But if it did happen I would be thrilled all the same.

Spin313 · July 2013

We always said we planned on having two kids. DH might have been happy with just one, but I definitely always knew I wanted two (maybe even three)...although after having my second, I KNEW we were done! It's such a personal choice.

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