2nd shower offer...it actually happened to me

nawlinsgrl · July 2013

Funny thing happened with my boss yesterday. She asked about etiquette for throwing a second shower, particularly since this one will be a different sex (really felt like it wasn't fair to DS not to have one, LOL). She said she asked two of my coworkers, who correctly explained why it's not done (my boss is Chinese, as in from China, so doesn't know all the U.S. etiquette despite having lived here for some time), but wanted to check with me too.

I told her they were 100% right, but that if she wanted to do a cake and little get together (we do that for all big life events, but generally no presents), that was fine, but that nobody should consider it a gift-giving event (I stressed my horror at the thought of people feeling like they should get me a gift). My boss was ok with that, but was so sweet, she said she'd already bought DS a gift, and plans to buy me a gift card as well.

Empireceo · July 2013

Aw, it sounds like she's a really thoughtful person.

OP, I'm all about buying gifts for a second baby, it's just that it's usually practical things like a box of diapers. If you were my friend or co worker, I'd totally get your baby something. But you were totally right to decline a shower.

leahmary82 · July 2013

Am I missing something? I have been at tons of baby showers for 2nd even 3rd babies and it never occurred to me that it was poor etiquette. What is the protocol, and is it more regional?

nawlinsgrl · July 2013

leahmary82:
Am I missing something? I have been at tons of baby showers for 2nd even 3rd babies and it never occurred to me that it was poor etiquette. What is the protocol, and is it more regional?

The general consensus is that the purpose of a baby shower is to welcome the MTB to motherhood. Since it is traditionally a gift-giving event, it's not done again, because basically it's not up to friends and family to continue "providing" for each additional child after this, and second, third, etc. showers are generally considered tacky and gift-grabby.

The idea is that if you choose to have more than 1 child, it's up to you to provide for their needs (something I totally agree with), not your friends, and hence the perception that additional showers are inappropriate.

There are some people, however, who see nothing wrong with having showers for additional children, and some of those who feel entitled to more presents for each child for a variety of reasons, none of which, in my book, are ever ok (i.e., it's a different sex than previous child, they threw out all the baby stuff from the previous child, the new child "deserves" all new stuff, etc.). These people are not well-received on this board, LOL.

leahmary82 · July 2013

What about in my case? My H has a child from a previous relationship who I am adopting, but the baby we have together will be my first biological child. Still tacky? I appreciate the advice.

nawlinsgrl · July 2013

In this case, I consider this your first child/shower (certainly your first baby), so I don't see anything wrong with having a shower. As I said, the purpose of a shower is to essentially welcome you into motherhood, so assuming you are having no other such (gift-giving) event for your husband's child, I don't see any issues, as this would be your first (and hopefully, no more for any additional children) shower.

leahmary82 · July 2013

Makes sense. I was genuinely surprised bc I had never thought anything of it before. I appreciate your etiquette advice. One other question for curiosity's sake. It's only tacky bc of the gift giving part right? So if someone had some sort of celebration for a 2nd or 3rd baby but specified no gifts it wouldn't be in poor taste?

nawlinsgrl · July 2013

Technically, that would be okay, and the gift part is the main offense. There is certainly nothing wrong with planning a regular social event, even to celebrate a new life. Some people have what's often called a Sip N' See in the South, which is basically a little get-together after the baby is home to introduce him to folks. It's nice because you can have a bunch of people visit at once, rather than all spread out.

As far as specifying no gifts, that's technically an etiquette faux pas, in that it implies guests are supposed to bring gifts(this is true for the use of the term for any event, not just this one). I think the best line I have seen to cover this, though, has been something like "your presence is our present."

leahmary82 · July 2013

Nice! Thanks for your thoughts!

Empireceo · July 2013

nawlinsgrl:
In this case, I consider this your first child/shower (certainly your first baby), so I don't see anything wrong with having a shower. As I said, the purpose of a shower is to essentially welcome you into motherhood, so assuming you are having no other such (gift-giving) event for your husband's child, I don't see any issues, as this would be your first (and hopefully, no more for any additional children) shower.

Agree. My husband has 2 kids from his first marriage, so when i got pregnant, i didnt really know what to do. Ultimately, my mother threw me a shower for my side of the family and my husband's family was extremely generous after our son was born.

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