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February 2012 Moms
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For those with different backgrounds from your H/SO

sapphirebride06sapphirebride06
in February 2012 Moms

For mobile users:  For those with different backgrounds from your H/SO

What I mean is this - did you grow up a different religion, etc. from your SO?  Or were your backgrounds/childhoods, etc. significantly different?  If so does that help/hurt your relationship?  How did you/do you/will you decide to raise your kids? 

H and I had different religious childhoods.  We found a wonderful alternative to both of our experiences and love it and it fits our family perfectly.  Had we not done so it would likely have caused a divorce because for us at least it is a large part of our lives and our kids lives.  I didn't want the option he had as a child and he didn't want mine, so we compromised and love it.  Had we not, it would likely not have worked.  For us it would not have worked any other way.  

I was reflecting on the issue so I was curious how others dealt with these issues.  I think the same question could be asked by different childhoods in general, not just religious aspects.   

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Re: For those with different backgrounds from your H/SO

  • danac2010danac2010 member

    DH and I are also of different religious backgrounds.  We'll technically he didn't grow up going to church and I was there if the doors were open.  There was a lot I didn't 100% agree with about the religion I grew up in so when we found the church we are at now I found a lot more I agreed with.  It is still weird because it's not what I grew up knowing and some of the stuff I am still getting comfortable with, babies being baptized instead of making the choice when you are older for example, but the overall I agree with and I really like our Pastor.

    DH and I also grew up with different socio-backgrounds.   DH grew up very poor and had to work very hard to get what he wanted.  I was not rich by any means but my grandparents were and when they were alive we were pretty much given whatever we wanted.  I don't see spending money as a bad thing but DH is very much a saver/hoarder when it comes to money and it is a big cause of issues in our relationship.

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  • sapphirebride06sapphirebride06

    Your situation sounds like ours.  Our socio-economic backgrounds were similar to an extent but his dad was involved in his life while mine was not.  But both were technically raised by single moms but he had/has issues with his (legitimate issues, she is not a nice person) and my mom is seriously amazing and we are so lucky to have her.  

    Money is something we do somewhat differ on - but not to the point of arguing.  I just want more in savings, etc. before we redo our appliances, etc. and H is like screw it let's buy it now!  But we ground each other.  He pushes me when we need to do something and I am dragging my feet and vice versa.   

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  • sapphirebride06sapphirebride06
    imageRNmama12:

    DH and I grew up with different backgrounds and it doesn't necessarily hurt our relationship, but sometimes he doesn't get why I want to do things a certain way with our son and future children.

    My parents have been married for almost 40 years.  I talk to my siblings and parents every day, multiple times a day. Every birthday was acknowledged with a party, cake and presents when we were growing up.  Even now, with all my siblings and I in our 20's we still make a big deal over birthdays.  My mom was a SAHM and read stories, sang songs and did crafts with us. We joined sports teams and played instruments and my parents would let us try anything out to see if we liked it.

    DH's parents have been divorced since he was young.  They were both big partiers and he spent a lot of time with his aunt. His parents didn't ever make it to his school functions. Everything cost too much money and they never put money out for teams or special interests.  Birthdays weren't celebrated and holidays were celebrated, but never included gifts.  DH's birthday is right after Halloween and every f-ing year FIL gives DH a bag of left over halloween candy that the trick or treaters didn't take. DH doesn't recognize any of the stories or songs that I sing to DS! He had never heard any nursery rhymes or anything when he was younger. DH talks to his parents about twice a month and rarely talks to his brother, but he lives in Germany right now so they e-mail sometimes.

    All that being said, I plan to make huge deals over birthdays and holidays. I have had to convince DH how important it is to me that we do a huge party for DS and spoil him on holidays and such.  DH is learning songs and rhymes and it makes me happy to see this side of him. I am glad we live so close to my family because it has helped DH see how wonderful traditions and closeness can be.

    Aw, this makes my heart hurt for your H.  That is so sad, he doesn't know the basic stuff like that.  H is like that some, seeing my family and how we act, we don't judge one another, we enjoy our holidays and time together, I text/email with my cousins and siblings several times a week, they are all involved in our lives to one extent or the other.  H's family only calls when they are moving and need him/his truck to help.  It pisses me off tremendously and makes me protective of him because I hate to see him hurt, but at least as he gets older he sees it and how they are and knows they cannot continue it unless he lets them.  That's a hard place to be in. 

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  • MollySmMollySm member
    We come from very different family backgrounds. My parents were together, we had a very loving and caring upbringing, with our parents being very involved, and education being very important. H's dad left when he was little, and his mom was physically very abusive. H raised his siblings, worked to feed them, and tried to protect them from his mom.

    As far as things we differ on because of our upbringings, there are some things, but for the most part we can come to a compromise on them.
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  • sapphirebride06sapphirebride06
    imageStarbuck128:

    We grew up in households that are on the complete opposite ends of the religion and political spectrums. However, we grew up in the same community, and our family lives both revolved around the university. It's where our parents worked, family went to school, and most of our family social lives revolved, so those similarities trump a lot of our differences. We don't talk about religion or politics often, but the university stuff is still a central part of our every day life.

    DH and I are both more moderate than our parents politically, he much more so, and we are both very non-confrontational, so we've never argued about politics. We are more different when it comes to religion, but so far those differences haven't caused any problems. I'm not religious at all, but I have no problem with him being religious as long as he respects my position and doesn't try to change me.

    With religion and politics, we want to explain different views to Cody and let him choose what he wants to believe in. Our biggest concern for him is that he keep an open mind and respect other people's right to believe what they want to believe, and I don't want him ever thinking that his beliefs make him more special or superior to anyone who chooses a different belief.

    I cannot agree with you more about respecting other people and thier choices, etc.  H's mom HATES me because I'm not catholic and that is the very definition of hypocrite for a Christian in my eyes so I want to make sure my kids know it's okay for people to have different opinions, values, view points, etc.  If we were all the same it would be boring and we wouldn't learn from others.  I learn more from people who are not like me at all than I do from those that have the same views, etc. I have.  If that makes sense! 

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  • KatelynEA90KatelynEA90 member

    Our childhoods/backgrounds are completely different. It actually works great for us.

    It wasn't really a debate. I was raised with expectations. DH was only expected to fail classes and do drugs. I honestly wonder how he turned out to be such a good person.

    He doesn't want our kids raised that way. They won't be allowed to steal money from us. They won't be 'allowed' to do drugs. They won't be allowed to leave for days on end with out permission. All things DH was allowed to do. (They didn't like that their kids did drugs and failed classes but they also didn't do anything about it.) 

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  • harmonicbabe26harmonicbabe26 member
    My first H and I were polar opposites. And it broke our marriage. Religion exactly. Now my DH, daddy of my DD, shares my religion/denomination and our marriage is very strong. I think things like this, basic value type things (and no, money is not one of those things) is what makes or breaks a marriage. 
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  • sapphirebride06sapphirebride06

    imageharmonicbabe26:
    My first H and I were polar opposites. And it broke our marriage. Religion exactly. Now my DH, daddy of my DD, shares my religion/denomination and our marriage is very strong. I think things like this, basic value type things (and no, money is not one of those things) is what makes or breaks a marriage. 

    i agree 

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