Intro.... Thank goodness!

BabyGiraffe18 · July 2013

Hello! I have a 2.5 year old DD. Her dad and I have not been together or the last year and a half and are both in relationships now. Many of my friends are married and I'm having a hard time finding people who can talk about my situation with coparenting and trying to balance things at home with my DD and SO. Thank goodness for this board!

My DD is at her terrible two stage and my SO is finding it hard to deal with. Not only is she in this stage but her dad spoils her like no other! She's super testy when I have her because I stick to rules and boundaries and it drives my SO crazy because he feels like she is only going to grow up to hate me and adore her dad. She already plays the "I want to go to Dada's" card when I tell her no. I've talked to her dad about rules and holding her accountable for some things like picking up toys, eating, etc. but I think he has a hard time with follow through when she cries. It drives me nuts and can put a strain on my relationship with her and my SO.

Anyone else dealing with something similar? I'm not sure if I need advice or just needed to feel like I'm not alone! TIA!!

CurlieWhirlie · July 2013

My son's dad is usually the one to cave when he cries or makes a fuss (DS is 4). He lets him watch more TV and get away without picking up toys, among other things. He and I get along and do align well in principle, but with follow-through he does have a hard time, sounds similar to your situation.

I think the thing to remember is that you can't change his behavior at all. All you can do is continue to hold your daughter to the rules, and show her where the boundaries are. And talk to her about how there are sometimes differences between Mama's house and Dada's house, but that's ok. Also, this does sound age-typical, so even if you were not in a blended family situation, she would probably still be acting like this, playing you and her dad off each other, "testing".

As for your SO having a hard time with it, I'm guessing he doesn't have kids? You might need to have a discussion with him about parenting styles, his role in your daughter's upbringing, etc. Maybe if he has more explicit guidelines regarding how you see him fitting in in terms of discipline (or not), he will have a better sense of how to handle things? He needs to come to terms with having a toddler in the house, and know that by setting boundaries and enforcing rules, your daughter will absolutely *not* grow up to hate you and love her dad ? this is parenting 101. Letting her do whatever she wants does her *no* favors if you want her to grow up to be a successful adult.

Good luck! It's going to be hard sometimes, this is a good place to vent and get some perspective, I've found it extremely helpful!

BabyGiraffe18 · July 2013

CurlieWhirlie:
My son's dad is usually the one to cave when he cries or makes a fuss DS is 4. He lets him watch more TV and get away without picking up toys, among other things. He and I get along and do align well in principle, but with followthrough he does have a hard time, sounds similar to your situation.I think the thing to remember is that you can't change his behavior at all. All you can do is continue to hold your daughter to the rules, and show her where the boundaries are. And talk to her about how there are sometimes differences between Mama's house and Dada's house, but that's ok. Also, this does sound agetypical, so even if you were not in a blended family situation, she would probably still be acting like this, playing you and her dad off each other, "testing".As for your SO having a hard time with it, I'm guessing he doesn't have kids? You might need to have a discussion with him about parenting styles, his role in your daughter's upbringing, etc. Maybe if he has more explicit guidelines regarding how you see him fitting in in terms of discipline or not, he will have a better sense of how to handle things? He needs to come to terms with having a toddler in the house, and know that by setting boundaries and enforcing rules, your daughter will absolutely not grow up to hate you and love her dad this is parenting 101. Letting her do whatever she wants does her no favors if you want her to grow up to be a successful adult.nbsp;Good luck! It's going to be hard sometimes, this is a good place to vent and get some perspective, I've found it extremely helpful!nbsp;

Thank you so much for the advice. I know I have to just stick to my guns and hope that my DD will grow up to learn that I have rules because I love her. As for my SO, you're right he doesn't have kids. I can't guarantee he was ready for any either but he wants to try making it work. I guess my problem is not knowing what role I want him to have in DD's life. Her dad has 50/50 custody so he is very active. While I don't want him to try to be a "dad" to her, I think I want his role to be positive/fun. I told him the other day that I'm ok with being the bad guy with her and setting rules. I don't want him to do any of that because I don't want their relationship to be strained. Maybe down the road when she's older and if we are married, I'd understand more of a parent role but not now. Does that make sense or am I just rambling?

CurlieWhirlie · July 2013

I think that's a pretty common setup. You set the rules, and he has the right to enforce those rules if necessary, but you are the "bad guy" in that they are your rules. I think where some people find it gets sticky is if she doesn't respect his authority to enforce those rules. But as long as you work that part out, I think what you're saying makes sense.

And if he's not totally comfortable with a situation, give him the option of going into the other room and watching TV for a half hour while you handle it, or something. My SO and I both have our own kids, so we are not new to the parenting thing, but for sure sometimes when his kids are having a meltdown I sometimes am most helpful if I just get myself out of the way and let him handle it. Does that make sense?

sweetie0228 · July 2013

I'm going to give you the best advice my mom gave me.

Don't argue with your child.

When you explain, the whys and allow a conversation about wanting to go to Dad's when you say no; you are arguing with your toddler.

"NO, we don't do that" "We don't whine", " You will see Dad on Friday, today we pick up our toys"

No child on earth hated their parents because they had solid rules, boundaries and claimed the head of the household role.

MANY have hated their parents b/c they didn't have a parent they had a grown up friend who allow them to grow but didn't raise them.

KTdidit · July 2013

sweetie0228:

I'm going to give you the best advice my mom gave me.

Don't argue with your child.

When you explain, the whys and allow a conversation about wanting to go to Dad's when you say no; you are arguing with your toddler.

"NO, we don't do that" "We don't whine", " You will see Dad on Friday, today we pick up our toys"

No child on earth hated their parents because they had solid rules, boundaries and claimed the head of the household role.

MANY have hated their parents b/c they didn't have a parent they had a grown up friend who allow them to grow but didn't raise them.

All of this! I'll admit I do find myself trying to explain to DS why we have a certain rule, why we don't do something, etc. It's not exactly arguing with him because what I say goes regardless, I guess I just give him a chance to be more informed and maybe he will rationalize better. Who knows.

OP - you can't control what your BD does at gis house. You just stay consistent in your rules at your house and she will eventually adjust. She is testing boundaries at both houses and will learn what she can and can't get away with while at your house.

As for your SO, I think your approach is good. He will need to ease into the role as a parent-figure. My DH was the same way and eventually he was comfortable enough to discipline DS without having to call me in from the other room and fill me in so I could do the disciplining (as an example).

BabyGiraffe18 · July 2013

CurlieWhirlie:
And if he's not totally comfortable with a situation, give him the option of going into the other room and watching TV for a half hour while you handle it, or something. My SO and I both have our own kids, so we are not new to the parenting thing, but for sure sometimes when his kids are having a meltdown I sometimes am most helpful if I just get myself out of the way and let him handle it. Does that make sense?nbsp;

You hit the nail on the head! When she is having a bratty moment, I've gotten upset that he wants to go in the other room because it makes me feel like he can't handle my life/situation. But you're right. It's not his child and he should be able to take the time away if needed, whether its when she is being a brat or not. He still needs space when she is around sometimes. Thank you for knocking some sense into me!

Nineoceans · July 2013

My Dh had absolutely no boundaries growing up. He got whatever he wanted and could do whatever he wanted.

Guess what.

He hates his parents and doesn't speak with them. Keep on the path you're on. Parenting is setting boundaries so you are doing exactly what you're supposed to be

Littlejen22 · July 2013

If he cannot handle the terrible twos he will not be cut out for the teen years. You need to decide if he is the best guy for you if you are having issues because of your two year old being a two year old. I am not saying break up but try to figure out if you see this having a happy ending. You will be sad if you break up but it is better than divorcing again.

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