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October 2012 Moms
CC1017
member
MIL has cancer
CC1017
member
So we just found out last night that MIL has cancer in her pancreas, liver, and lungs. DH is beyond devastated. He went through a range of emotions last night - sadness, anger, resentment that my Mom would get to see DS grow up and not his. We won't know her prognosis until later in the week, but it is not looking good.
Has anyone dealt with a parent or in-law with cancer? Any suggestions for how to best support DH through this time? Is there something you would have liked to have for LO from their grandparent - like pictures, a letter, video message etc?
BFP #1 DS born 10/16/12 at 39w6d
BFP #2 DD lost 11/17/14 at 17w2d
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Re: MIL has cancer
I am really sorry to hear this.
We have not had a parent with cancer but grandparents on both sides and 3 of my dad's 5 siblings all died of cancer before 55. One aunt I was particularly close to. She died 2 years ago and it's still hard for me to believe.
Like PP said, spend as much time as possible with her. Especially now while the going is relatively good. It's going to be really hard on all of you. But the time that ALL of you can spend with her is irreplaceable. Tons of pictures. Write everything down.
I'm sorry to hear about your MIL. My T&Ps will be with you and your family.
My dad was Dx with cancer when my older son (now 7) was 18 months. It was literally the hardest thing I've even experience in my life. The hardest part was actually juggling everything. Not only are you trying to be strong and support your parents, but you are also going through the grieving process while your parent is still alive, and you're trying to do your normal family and work duites with a child. So hard.
My best advice is be there for your husband in whatever he needs. That might be to talk. That might be to not talk. That might be to talk about anything but his mom & her cancer. That might be to take up the slack in some of his household duties so he can spend time with his mom. Just be there. Don't try to make him feel better. Don't try to tell him how he should or shouldn't grieve. Don't make him feel guilty if he misses time with you or your child to spend time with his family.
The best memories I have of my dad post cancer diagnosis, are the times he was able to spend with DS. So when your MIL is feeling up to it, try to let her spend as much time with LO as possible. Pictures are good, although I don't like looking at pics of my Dad with LO when he was sick. (He lost hair and a lot of weight pretty quickly and eventually was in a wheel chair.) Recording her voice is a great idea from PP. I also made a sort of slideshow of pictures of my dad as a baby all the way up to pics of him with my DS. We used it at his visitation. Now I have it on the computer & DS1 asks to watch it sometimes. I really want to make a sort of memory box for each of my boys with things from their grandpa (or maybe all their grandparents) to give them at their HS or college graduations. I have things like my Dad's HS graduation announcement, a sippy cup he used as a child, his first camera. I really want to pass those things down to my boys when they are ready to have them.
I am so sorry! Thoughts and prayers to your family.
I don't have any advice on going through cancer but my MIL killed herself when our son was 10 days old. It really hit my husband hard and he also went through lots of different emotions. I found just being there for him helped also him talking to a therapist helped a lot. We still have moments were he gets mad that my mom gets to see Wesley grow up and his mom doesn't but we talk it out and he feels better. I would say get as many photos as you can and spend some time with her before she passes, maybe even get one of the recordable story books and have her read it to your son so that he always has something to remember her by. We only have one photo of our son with his mom and it was taken two days after he was born. I don't even have anything from her to give to him but that one photo because she refused to purchase anything for the baby because I told her she couldn't be there for the birth.
Good luck with everything.
I am so sorry. I pray for peace for all of you no matter what the outcome is.
My grandfather and my moms two uncles, which we were really close to, all passed away from cancer. The thing that sucked most is that we didn't get to see them because we all lived on 3 different continents. Spend as much time with her as possible. Take lots of pictures. Believe it or not due to other circumstances and the distance later on I do not have but one picture with my grandfather. I wish I had more even of him alone.
Thank you everyone for such wonderful advice! We certainly have a rough couple of months ahead of us. We will try to spend as much time as we can with her, but right now they are across the country from us, which makes it so much more difficult.
And StefanieM, how awful! I can't believe how difficult that must have been with your son at just 10 days old. I guess we are lucky in that we have time to prepare, but it still sucks. All of it sucks. So sorry for you and your DH (and to everyone else who has lost a loved one.)
Not dealt with cancer, but I know I love looking through letters and pictures of my grandparents. I also loved playing dress up in their old clothes. Made me feel more connected to them I guess.
After 7 years of no ovulation...
BFP#1 10/24/11 ~ EDD 6/29/12 ~ Natural m/c 11/2/11
BFP#2 2/3/12 ~ Alice born 9/26/12
Thanks. It was rough and we are still working through it. His family blames me and Wesley for it, but it really has helped for my Husband to go to therapy. He says its easier to talk to someone who is not involved. Good luck. My Husbands grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer and he lived for another 10 years after being diagnosed before it finally got him. Good luck.. We are here for you if you ever need to vent. I owe my Best Friend a lot for letting me vent.