Need advise on how to handle

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · July 2013

DH and I decided very early that we do not want a baby shower for our daughter. We had one for our son. I think it's tacky to have a shower for subsequent children (my opinion and I do make exceptions) and we really don't need anything. I also want the course of events to go differently this time around (I know that it in no way affects the outcome but makes me feel better) and I also don't like the idea that there's the possibility that once again, people will buy us things and they will sit un-used in a closet.

Now my issue. I've had several people say "Let me know when your shower is" or "let me know what weekend works for you to have your shower." DH's cousin texted last night and said the last comment. I was first irked because she didn't ask if I wanted one, just when I wanted one. I responded with "I really appreciate the gesture but I really don't want a baby shower." She goes on to tell me that that's fine with her but is it ok if she has a few people over for cake etc. DH's family isn't one to take no for an answer. I have a feeling that even if I say no to a shower, there will be some "why don't you come over and visit - oh, surprise it's a baby shower!" and I really, really don't want that. I'm not a fan of showers to begin with (baby or bridal, I'm a fan of being clean).

My question is - how do I let me know that I seriously do not want a shower without sounding rude or having to go through my laundry list of reasons why I don't want one? TIA and sorry this became a bit of a novel.

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · July 2013

Bookshelves:
I don't know how I'd handle that, except to just keep repeating it every time it comes up... which must be really exhausting for you! Is DH on your page? Can you recruit him to sit them down and firmly explain how you're feeling? I hate sometimes feeling like the "bad guy." Not that you are, because your feelings are totally legit; it just always makes me feel better to know some of the pressure is being shared. Maybe you could compromise and tell them a small cake party after you're home and settled with baby? I'm probably no help at all! Really, just wanted to give you big hugs. xo

You are always such a help Books! DH is extremely supportive and we've both been very sensitive to each other's feelings, needs and wants this go around. I'll have him try talking to his side of the family, even if it is like talking to a brick wall sometimes. Thankfully there's a few family members who are somewhat intelligent. That's a great idea books!

ravenclaw1 · July 2013

I say tell them exactly why you don't want one. I'm on mobile, and forgive me, but can't remember when you lost your son, but it was close to full term, right?

So everyone knows your story. Tell them that you loved having a shower for your son, but it's challenging for you to deal with emotionally. Just lay it out on the table so there's no grey area.

If you want to try and accommodate some of the requests, maybe tell them that after the baby is born, you'd be ok with having some sort of GTG, but at this point you're just not quite ready to deal with the stress.

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · July 2013

ravenclaw1:
I say tell them exactly why you don't want one. I'm on mobile, and forgive me, but can't remember when you lost your son, but it was close to full term, right? So everyone knows your story. Tell them that you loved having a shower for your son, but it's challenging for you to deal with emotionally. Just lay it out on the table so there's no grey area. If you want to try and accommodate some of the requests, maybe tell them that after the baby is born, you'd be ok with having some sort of GTG, but at this point you're just not quite ready to deal with the stress.

Thanks Raven. I didn't think about the mobile aspect. Corbin was 36 days old and we lost him due to RSV. I appreciate the advise. I hate feeling like a "downer" all the time (and of course whenever I say something that people conceive as negative I then get the "well you can't think like that" which makes me want to TP people) but it's our reality unfortunately and it is what it is.

ravenclaw1 · July 2013

fluttergirlmoonchild79:
ravenclaw1:
I say tell them exactly why you don't want one. I'm on mobile, and forgive me, but can't remember when you lost your son, but it was close to full term, right?

So everyone knows your story. Tell them that you loved having a shower for your son, but it's challenging for you to deal with emotionally. Just lay it out on the table so there's no grey area.

If you want to try and accommodate some of the requests, maybe tell them that after the baby is born, you'd be ok with having some sort of GTG, but at this point you're just not quite ready to deal with the stress.
Thanks Raven.  I didn't think about the mobile aspect.  Corbin was 36 days old and we lost him due to RSV.  I appreciate the advise.  I hate feeling like a "downer" all the time (and of course whenever I say something that people conceive as negative I then get the "well you can't think like that" which makes me want to TP people) but it's our reality unfortunately and it is what it is.

Ugh. I really dislike when people say stuff like that. You just might be nicer than I am, but I would have a tough time not coming back from a comment like that. You dealt with a serious tragedy that will forever change the way you think about everything, really, and people owe you the respect to not blow it off.

ellajune2012 · July 2013

I love Books' idea of having a little cake party after you and baby are home. Why not suggest that?

TLR813 · July 2013

I feel like if you explained why you don't want one, people would understand - hopefully!!!

When my sister was pregnant with her 2nd, she didn't want a shower either. We ended up throwing her a surprise one, but instead of gifts everyone brought a freezer meal. That way she didn't have to cook for awhile after the baby came. Just an idea. Some people still brought outfits, but no big gifts.

Heatherhah · July 2013

Flutter -- I was the same way with Sydney and with Trinity. I didn't want showers at all. They gave me one for Sydney and I was so upset when she passed and I had all of that new stuff I didn't get a chance to use with her. I refused with Trinity and they didn't throw one. My family is very pro shower!!! They finally understood when I explained that I was so afraid and that if a shower was done Trinity might die too. Maybe after baby girl is born have a little meet the baby party after she is a certain age and then they can give gifts. I would just express your feelings and tell them if they would like to buy something that they can but you don't want to put your heart through the pain of a shower. Baby showers are tough on loss moms even if it is your own shower. I know it is hard to be happy while pregnant after losing Corbin but remember as I had to tell myself every single day your rainbow pregnancy isn't the same as your pregnancy with Corbin they are different and so are your sweet babies. Corbin passed away and it was a terrible thing but just think his sister will live and be loved by both you, Dh and Corbin. Hugs my friend. I always say being pregnant after losing a baby is not for the weak. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! Heather

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · July 2013

rsigler:
My family was huge into the shower idea, which I was adamantly opposed to this time around as well. But I had a long discussion with my therapist about it, and that helped to process some of my feelings about why I didn't want another shower. I felt much like you about not wanting or needing more crap. But I also wanted to be conscious of not making decisions during this pregnancy out of fear that if I do the same things, we will have the same outcome. I've had to work hard to differentiate the two pregnancies in my mind, and remind myself that this is a different baby and that I will hopefully have a better outcome. All that to say, I decided to let my mom throw me a party, although not a shower and "no gifts" was specified on the invitations, to celebrate this little girls life. Ultimately, I decided that it was important for me, as well as my family and close friends, to celebrate the life that's growing inside my belly right now. Regardless of how this pregnancy ends, I feel like this LO deserves a celebration like her sister had. We had the "celebration of life" party a couple weeks ago, and it was very bittersweet. There were lots of tears shed, both happy ones and sad ones, but overall, I'm glad I allowed myself to get excited and allowed the supportive women in my life to share that excitement with me. I was very anxious about it in the weeks leading up, but it ended up being very therapeutic, both for me and for them. I'm not telling you all of this to attempt to change your mind, because I certainly understand where you're coming from and what you want and need right now is what matters the most. I just wanted to explain how I came to terms with others wanting to have this massive celebration. I still kind of feel like there will be much more to celebrate once she's here and alive, and it would have been much more comfortable for me to wait until then and have a meet the baby party instead. I like the idea of offering that as an alternative, as that might get everyone off your back about having a shower. GL with whatever you decide.

I appreciate hearing the "other" side. I completely see what your saying and agree with it. Part of my other problem is I've already told a few people who actually asked that I don't want a shower and if I were to tell someone else "sure, go for it" then I feel it's somewhat rude to the people who I said no to - but I do need to stop trying to please others. I do like everyone's idea of alternative types of celebrations. Maybe I'll try something along those lines.

Noethola · July 2013

Congrats on baby girl Flutter!

Either I missed it...or pregnant brain has caused me to forget if I already congratulated you. But, its never a bad things to be congratulated twice!

While not many people know we are expecting yet, I have already thought about this as well. I plan on doing something like Books suggested if anyone asks. I really wanted a "meet the baby" event the first time, because showers are always so awkward to me. I hate opening gifts in front of people, even Christmas gives me a little anxiety!

I remember asking my parents if I needed to return the gifts, or what I should do. It is in no way something I want to repeat. I know this pregnancy is different, and it is very unlikely that we would have another cord accident, but its just how I feel.

One thing I think we have all learned about loss, sometimes you have to be blunt to get your point across. I hope you can either find a solution that works for you, or they listen to your reasons for not wanting a shower! No one should be bullied into a shower.

FeinBride09 · July 2013

Bookshelves:
I don't know how I'd handle that, except to just keep repeating it every time it comes up... which must be really exhausting for you! Is DH on your page? Can you recruit him to sit them down and firmly explain how you're feeling? I hate sometimes feeling like the "bad guy." Not that you are, because your feelings are totally legit; it just always makes me feel better to know some of the pressure is being shared. Maybe you could compromise and tell them a small cake party after you're home and settled with baby? I'm probably no help at all! Really, just wanted to give you big hugs. xo

This. Books is wise. But I follow the same formula - DH handles his family and I handle mine. That way we don't upset ppl directly which works out better for us. If DH is on the same page, that I'd definately recruit him to firmly let his family know that neither of you want a shower, not even a small surprise one. The only concession I might make is to perhaps add just a few things to a registry and if ppl insist, you can direct them to that and request all items simply be sent to you via mail. I'd hope that given your last go round, these family and friends would understand. Hugs honey.

Gizu92708 · July 2013

hi fluttergirl, I remember you from the loss board. Its a tough situation but I would firmly explain why you do not want a shower. I totally refuse having another shower. Im scared story will repeat itself. And I explained this to everyone when i heard them talking about a possible shower. No shower for me. Period. I think I would not mind having a get together and meeting the baby type of thing. Then again, maybe I will just wait till the holidays to have everyone meet the baby, idk. But please explain why you dont want one. I cant imagine them throwing you a surprise shower and how upsetting that will be. Hugs.

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