DE recipient question

Sharon216 · July 2013

Is it common knowledge with your friends/family that you used or are using a DE?

Lacyj67 · July 2013

We have told very few people in our family and a handful of friends. I may tell my story later on to those who know alot of my ivf journey but for now I'm keepin quiet until I get a ways into a pregnancy. It's a personal decision and everyone is different.

2MamazInSeattle · July 2013

Exactly what Lacy said, in terms of it being very personal.

We've told everyone for the most part. I don't want to deal with people saying our baby looks like me, etc. or doesn't, because he/she likely won't. Also it just felt easier for us to be transparent from the start. But that's just us! No wrong answer here.

brooklynesque · July 2013

So far we've told close family ... parents, siblings and close friends. We are also planning on telling the child or children so letting those close to us know made sense. Plus we knew they would all be accepting, fortunately.

Km672 · July 2013

brooklynesque:
So far we've told close family ... parents, siblings and close friends. We are also planning on telling the child or children so letting those close to us know made sense. Plus we knew they would all be accepting, fortunately.

All of this!

stinkerbell6879 · July 2013

Km672:
brooklynesque:
So far we've told close family ... parents, siblings and close friends. We are also planning on telling the child or children so letting those close to us know made sense. Plus we knew they would all be accepting, fortunately.
All of this!

Ditto!

LittleLady77 · July 2013

When we first agreed to do this we decided to be private about it and only tell a handful of people. Then we signed up to be a part of a documentary on egg donation and now I feel like the whole world knows (my family, his family, our friends, our bosses, neighbors, my Pilates teacher... basically any one who sees us with a camera). In some ways it's a lot of pressure but in some ways it also feels like everyone is rooting for us.

happywifemomofone · July 2013

We have told our moms and only tell those who understand IVF, reproductive technology enough to ask. So far, I have answered "yes, we did IVF" on several occasions, but never been asked if we used DE. Most people do not know enough to ask this question. We do not want to lie about it, but it is very private and not for public knowledge.

Sharon216 · July 2013

Thanks, ladies. I'm still trying to get my head around this. I think I'm still somewhat in denial and I'm over-thinking every little thing. DH wants to wait to discuss anything until our follow-up appt with our new RE on Saturday (I had all my records from the old clinic sent over for him to review). He doesn't see any point in discussing the possibility of using a donor if there's still something else we could try using my eggs. I am trying to remain optimistic but I'm also trying to look at things realistically. The biggest thing for us will be figuring out how to cover the cost of a donor cycle. That's what DH will stress about. I'm concerned about that too but I have so many other questions running through my head.

Will I feel as close to a LO conceived with a DE? Will carrying a child help me to make an emotional connection, even though he/she will not be my biological child? Will DD be close with him/her?

Ugh... so many things to think about.

happywifemomofone · July 2013

Sharon216:
Thanks, ladies. I'm still trying to get my head around this. I think I'm still somewhat in denial and I'm over-thinking every little thing. DH wants to wait to discuss anything until our follow-up appt with our new RE on Saturday (I had all my records from the old clinic sent over for him to review). He doesn't see any point in discussing the possibility of using a donor if there's still something else we could try using my eggs. I am trying to remain optimistic but I'm also trying to look at things realistically. The biggest thing for us will be figuring out how to cover the cost of a donor cycle. That's what DH will stress about. I'm concerned about that too but I have so many other questions running through my head.
Will I feel as close to a LO conceived with a DE? Will carrying a child help me to make an emotional connection, even though he/she will not be my biological child? Will DD be close with him/her?
Ugh... so many things to think about.
All of your concerns/questions are COMPLETELY NORMAL. GL with your follow up with RE.....for us, we just couldn't handle anymore heartache of BFN using my OE. I am only about halfway through my PG, but I have found that carrying this child makes it as undeniably mine as my son....attachment seems much easier to me than if we'd adopted. GL!!!

BabyVDM · July 2013

Sharon216:
Is it common knowledge with your friends/family that you used or are using a DE?

No one knows. Partly because I don't want the whole world to know before our child knows and partly because I'm not so sure we will be letting our child know. The truth is, that I sometimes forget that we are using DE, and if he/she looks enough like my DH or even possibly like me, then I am not sure if it's necessary.

So, I did actually tell someone. The project manager for our home renos. She witnessed my emotional downward spiral after the ectopic and I figured, what's going to matter if this complete stranger knows. She told me her niece was doing the same, for her 2nd child, and I just... well, told her everything. I asked her, "Please don't say anything to anyone, but thank you for listening". So 2 weeks later, my husband comes home after talking to one of the contractors and told me that the contractor was asking him about our upcomng cycle and the DE. That woman, had told the another project manager, and now the whole company knows.

Lesson learned, I will not tell anyone (again) because everyone loves to gossip, or eventually will accidently say something to the wrong person and the whole world knows.

It was a very private and difficult decision, which I am so entirely okay with now, but it is still private.

I was at the Dr office today and we were discussing prenatal testing and my high risk of Downs because of my age, and I was nodding my head and agreeing and we were starting to talk dates for appropriate testing. It wasn't until I left the appointment that I realized I didn't need to worry so much, "my egg" was 22 yrs old.

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