Honest thoughts

kjf114 · July 2013

Hi ladies I'm currently in the infertitly board and posted the below question a few days ago. I had an overwhelming response of girls who felt the exact same. My question to you is who do you become after this journey does passion regain?

Honest thoughts

kjf114 Total Posts :328 7/13
Have any of you just feel like you have lost yourself in this journey? since we discovered about our IF last year time is just ticking.. I always had my mind busy with working, school, planning a wedding and so busy with friends. Since the last year and half life feels on hold, no passions, my career is not interesting anymore and I just feel lost and alone.

Dragonfly1226 · July 2013

I felt the same way you described when I was struggling to TTC #1 - lost, depressed, and to some extent just empty. Today I can honestly say that my kids are my biggest passion. I was an elementary school teacher but stopped working to stay at home when we had DS. I appreciate every day I get to spend with our children - even the most difficult days. Since I am not so focused on IF right now I do feel so much happier in general. But for me I also have a sense of peace. Even though I am not sure that I definitely feel our family is complete, if we were never able to have another child I would feel happy and blessed to have had success twice. I have to admit that I still do get a twinge when someone announces an oops pregnancy or makes some stupid comment about all her husband has to do is breathe on her and she gets pregnant. I am still angry when I think about the amazing ladies who are still in the trenches or those who are CFNBC. But personally I am in a far better place now.

mnj05 · July 2013

Even though I know we will journey through this again, I too feel a personal peace about it all. Baby showers and kids didn't bother me, just the oops pregnancies and people saying dumb things like all you need to do is relax or get drunk. Those still bug me because they're insensitive, whether it's meant that way or not. I did feel like my entire life revolved around a calendar of meds and procedures and it's freeing to live my daily life without that tying me down. We know we want to continue to grow our family but if we can't, we are extremely blessed to have our little man and wouldn't change that for the world. I also choose to believe that had we not struggled, we may not have this little man we were meant to have and that makes me happy.

ETA: As far as passions go, I think mine has changed. My passion is almost solely my family rather than my family and a few other things. I am still working and love what I do (teacher) but I'm just not as dedicated as I once was. I still love my students and go to the moon and back for them, but I would much rather be spending time at home and savor every minute with my family.

PennyLane26 · July 2013

First off - huge (((hugs))). I'm sending T&P that you can find hope and happiness soon.

You describe life with IF perfectly. Short of feeling suicidal, I felt like my life was empty- almost worthless. After our first IVF failed, I questioned that value of my life. The job that I previously felt was so fulfilling (I was a 1st grade teacher) became a struggle and a challenge. I felt distant from friends and family, especially anyone with children. I couldn't even relate to my single friends because they just didn't get my want or need for children. Life was so hopeless.

We briefly looked into adoption, but in retrospect we just weren't ready to accept that option.

Now that we have our miracle baby, I have the utmost appreciation for life- both hers and mine. Every day with her is so full of joy. While I know that every mother feels an infinite amount of love for her children, I know that our struggles with IF have given me a different perspective. Like PP said, my history of IF gives me a newfound respect for not just those struggling with IF, but really anyone with any challenge in life- illness, loss, the struggle for gay marriage etc. Like PP I left my job to be a SAHM. It was a decision that was definitely impacted by IF. I couldn't imagine working away from her full time and we are lucky enough that we can afford it financially.

Not sure if any of that makes sense, it's hard to put feelings into words.

Mrs.AmyDylan · July 2013

First, I'm sorry you have found yourself on this path. I hope you find happiness at the end of your journey.

I can totally relate the lost, hopeless feeling of being stuck on the IF merry-go-round. I was very emotional - dangerously so. I drank too much, hung out at the gym a lot, avoided friends with kids, stayed off FB, and cried all the time.

Someone posted a fun little describe IF in 5 words a month or so ago. For me : dark black hole of anguish. It sucks. I'm so lucky I have a supportive husband and the resources to do IVF. Family that wasn't hassling me about grand kids. I also have a great group of single girlfriends.

Now that I have my wonderful, sweet little girl my life has color again! The pain is still there, but it is losing its bite. Mrs.Lee put it well that post IF is a new normal. I'm a lot kinder related to never asking child-status, if someone is going for a second baby, etc. I'm scared about what kind of feelings TTC again will bring out. I'm willing to hit the IVF train one more time, but I'm not ready to handle that kind of crazy again. I also know that if we end up being one and done, I can get to a place of peace with at least getting to be a mommy.

Hugs to you and all my IF sisters still out there injecting, hoping, saving money, praying, and scared to go to the bathroom for fear of AFs ugly head. You all are always welcome to pop in to seek hope and encouragement from all of us SAIFers.

candyreesecup · July 2013

Hi and I am sorry you are feeling this way Hugs to you.

I saw your siggy and my DH has the same issue with undescendent testis. The IF journey is very hard and all of us on this board went through the same struggle. IF is such an emotional roller coaster and it can take your life passion away. I always reminded myself that everything happens for a reason and IF made me a stronger person. It made me think that I am a special person and so will my baby.

For me, having a support group (IF board) was a huge help. It helped me not to feel lost and alone.

Sending tons of positive vibes for the success in your near future!!

itsmevkb · July 2013

I don't know that I'd say I felt like I ever lost myself, but I felt like I was stuck. I experienced secondary infertility and I can remember I would read my son Oh the Places You'll Go each night at bedtime and was always struck by this party:

headed, I fear, toward a most useless place

The Waiting Place?

?for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That?s not for you!

I felt like I was just waiting to get pregnant again and that I was stuck in cycle after cycle of failed treatments. And yes, that pushed other things in my life to the side. Since having my second child I've cycled in and out of that waiting place a few more times, after my miscarriages and now I've got one foot back in the room after a cancer scare while I wait to see if I can do a FET.

All I can say is that at some point you realize that life goes on. You find your passions again, although sometimes they are new passions. It would be easy to say that your child becomes your passion, which of course happens, but I think many women find that they wake up one day and realize that is their only passion. And, after infertility it almost seems ungrateful to say that you want something more if you know what I mean? You long for months and years for a child and so then it seems selfish once said child is here to say well now I want a career too or I want time to read books or I want time to fulfill my passion for cooking or whatever it is that wouldn't involve your child.

For me, my passion for my job did return, and oddly, often times that happened when I was in those periods of waiting. It was like this one part of my life isn't working how I want so I'm going to make this other part work even better. Now that I have four children it's more about showing them what doing a good job gets you and how you can have a job and career you enjoy. When I start feeling like I'm getting lost in all the details of home, kids in school and work I remind myself to make time for even just doing something little that I know I will enjoy like reading a book.

I've always wanted every woman who desires a child to have one so nothing on that front has ever changed for me. I speak openly about my infertility and miscarriages in the hopes of helping more people understand about those things or just letting other women know that they aren't alone, because you aren't alone.

Holy long winded response. Sorry!

kjf114 · July 2013

I truly appreciate all of your words and taking the time out to respond with such thoughtful messages I took each one to heart to know it will change but for the better. I have already realized to never ask somebody if they are trying or when it will be their turn. I still get asked this question from those who don?t know and some days it?s easier to say oh soon, we?re working on it and other days a grin and bear it day. This journey has already changed me, I don?t think about infertitly 24/7 and can wait for a baby when god wants it be our turn now that we did our part of IVF. It gets a little harder for me when DH doesn?t understand why it didn?t happen last time with IVF. I have thought about several times going to talk to somebody to let my feelings out more than friends or hubby would understand but I haven?t quite gotten the courage yet. The boards have definitely helped me release feelings. I feel broken down some and not as happy nor passionate as I used to be. I used to have a lot of goals for myself and with my 28 birthday in a few days, I?ve re-evaluated my goals and I have none. I lost part of that person I was, I actually had to take the time to write out things that make me happy, so I can try to get back to that. I have lost touch with so many friends, not purposely but I don?t have a baby. I don?t get included in the play dates/get-togethers , and with age I guess naturalization of friendships slip away some. I?m very thankful for 1 true best friend, a handful of good friends, and a husband to lean on. Somehow I still feel a void, life on hold- chapter missing.. that I?ve led my life according to what I thought would be best. Dating, moving in together, finish school, marriage, vacations, new house, then baby.. I know we can?t get everything we want when we want them but regaining myself is something that is hard, the socialism hurts too. The entire IF journey is a private hurt that can?t be understood by anyone who hasn?t faced it.

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