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Babies: 9 - 12 Months
TheBestOops
member
Please check me.
TheBestOops
member
I am coming out of my lurker phase to hopefully get some perspective because I am struggling to find it myself. And, yes, I suck for both of those things - being a lurker and shamelessly begging for help on here while previously having only been a lurker.
Perspective is needed on my mother-in-law.
Let's just say, if she could breastfeed my 11 month old. She would. She has been that day since the child was born. In return, I have resented her for it.
My husband's family is just a lot more overtly emotional than mine, which is fine. However, in addition to trying to continue to adapt to all that (and feeling a bit smothered), my mother-in-law (and others - but mostly her) refer to my child as "our" baby. I send a pic text of the baby doing something new, and the response I get from her is "Our baby is so cute!" Um, she is not your baby. You already got to be a mom, MIL.
MIL and her husband live a couple of hours away. We visit monthly, or they will insist on coming our way. When we visit, I can't change my daughter's diaper or give her a bath without my MIL hovering. She has been full of commentary, too. The remarks have ranged from my not keeping the baby covered up enough to her being to warm to my not holding the baby correctly. I have been in tears before over her comments, including "Does your mother always throw you around like that?" when I rotated the baby to show MIL how long her hair was getting in the back.
When we do visit them, we have several other people to visit in the same town - our godson and his family, my brother, friends, my father, and my FIL. MIL gets pissed if we don't arrive at her house when she thinks we ought to. She also recently purchased a stroller so that she could make a grand entrance at a BBQ with the baby. She then spent the whole time horing herself out as a grandma at the BBQ, carrying the baby around making remarks like "I need to go to Grandma's Anonymous." "EEEEE!!! I can't ever wash my glasses again - they have baby fingerprints on them!!!"
So, it has been a year of this, and with the baby's 1st birthday coming up, I just need things to change. I can't let this stuff go, and I feel guilty for not being able to just deal with it on my own. I know so much of my resentment and anger is my own crap. DH isn't much help. Last night he was pretty upset with me as I tried to explain (likely poorly) how I just need him to buffer a little so I can get some space from his mom so I can grow and deal with this some/get some resolution internally. The conversation was spurred from feelings I had regarding his report of his mom not being happy that we were declining throwing a first birthday party for our daughter. My reasons for the baby not having a large birthday party are numerous: my wanting it to just be DH, myself and her for this as we have shared far too many of her firsts already this year, my completing comps and starting my last field placement immediately following to her birthday, FIL's wife is doing radiation/chemo so I don't want them not to be able to come/come with lots of discomfort, etc.
Okay. You all deserve a bottle of vodka for getting through all this. So, please tell me how to best set boundaries, get DH on my team a bit better, that you understand, or that I am just a selfish, ungrateful new mom who needs a reality check. Well, say that last part with a little bit of empathy because obviously I don't have the thickest skin. I am just thinking some of you have to be experts on MILS and babies.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Please check me.
Perhaps the best way to describe it is I feel as though I am driving the new mom car with a back seat driver (MIL).
Oh, and now after more lurking as seeing all the super cute birthday pics, maybe I should just do a darn party. Part of me not wanting to throw one is absolutely control issues on my end. However, if I throw one where we live, it will be really difficult for FIL/SMIL to attend due to her cancer treatments. If I throw one closer to them, it will be expensive, and most of my family won't be able to attend.
I.am.just.over-thinking.all.of.this.
Thanks again.
Sorry you're feeling like MIL is overriding your new mom status. I'm sure that is frustrating. I have definitely had moments of feeling smothered/like MIL was staking a claim to the baby, etc. But I had to force myself to take a step back, breathe and just let her be as involved as she wants.
What if, when you're with MIL, you let her change the baby, etc., so she's actively doing something rather than hovering? As for stealing the limelight, I'd let her stroll the baby around at the BBQ. What's the harm? You know it's your baby. If she says something mean, rude, hurtful, you or DH have a right to call her on it or laugh it off. But it sounds like she's just really thrilled to be a grandma and just not expressing it in the easiest way to swallow.
I found I'm way more relaxed about this kind of crap with my second kid bc I'm grateful for the help, and I know that no one can take my place in my kids' lives.
I'm not a lot of help because I get along really well with my MIL. Also, none of the grandparents are this overbearing.
The only thing you described that bothered me would be the critical comments and I would just tell her flat out that it hurts your feelings and you want to have a good relationship and not be resentful so perhaps she could just be a little more careful.
As far as the "hogging" the baby so to speak, it wouldn't bother me. I'd enjoy the break. But, as I said, I've never had to deal with it.
Thank you ladies. At the BBQ, I did just let her carry the baby around and tried to stay somewhat chill (at least work on getting over the fact that DH had gotten his rear chewed beforehand for us visiting others and not arriving at the time MIL wished us to have).
And, I do need to start just letting her do more stuff when she is hovering. However, I am nasty in my resentfulness and don't offer it to her. Ya, I suck.
And, I do need to respond to her pretty awful comments. DH's family (mostly MIL and GMIL) can just be remarkably passive aggressive, and it just knocks me on my arse every time - leaving me unable to respond as I planned to.
I think the biggest thing I just need right now is space so I can process me. Most of this is my own crap - feelings of inadequacy, self-confidence issues with being a new mom, feelings of not being accepted by my MIL even prior to the baby coming, etc. That and making my more emotionally (and otherwise) reserved self be more tolerant to those who aren't.
I am just finding myself stuck and unable to process/grow with how smothered I feel with the baby.
Being able to air all of this on this board has certainly helped a lot though.
Thanks again!
My MIL is similar, but she doesn't make comments. She just takes over whenever they come to visit, which is understandable because we live 14 hours away so I only see them a couple of times a year. I don't mind her hovering and taking over because it then gives me a break and my LO always smiles at me when I come into the room or talk to him, so I know I'm special to him, so that doesn't bother me. What would bother me is the comments that your MIL is making to you. Has your DH witnessed her making the comments to you? Have you told him how it makes you feel? I think next time she makes a comment you should tell her how it makes you feel and make sure DH understands how you feel.
It just seems she's really excited about being a grandma and just doesn't know how to control herself. I hope that it gets better for you!
This is a very timely post, as I also have been dealing with resentment towards my MIL, and I am processing it. I think it is great that you're taking ownership of these feelings, and recognize that some boundary setting may need to be done.
I have been doing better since my MIL now knows that she's not going to see DS every day (we visit with her every 2 weeks or so). I give her time alone with baby + sometimes have DH take baby to her house so she doesn't feel like I'm the one who is hovering.
What has also helped is me accepting her for who she is -- and that it is hard enough for me to change my actions and attitudes, so how can I possibly change someone else? I can't. Ugg. I want to, but I cant.
Which then makes me address my resentment or perceived wrong that has been done to me. My resentment to MIL started at the hospital when I was being prepped for the c-section and MIL kept coming into the room, when all I wanted was privacy. Then after DS was born and in NICU, and I was recovering, she kept visiting -- and not leaving so I could get some rest or spend time with baby in NICU. Other stuff went on after that, which I won't get into, but they are very much like what you wrote.
Okay, the fact is that she is a super-excited first-time grandma, who wanted to support us the only way she knew how. When I look back, I can see that I should have simply asked for privacy and not assume that she could read my mind. What's been feeding this resentment further? My fears, lack of confidence, jealousy, and other similar feelings.
I was able to get DH on board with "straight talking" to his mom about how often she'd visit or we'd visit her with DS. That did help. But the lingering resentment is on me. I have to look at my part in this and then let it go.
Hope this helps a bit. Happy first birthday to your LO!
I think you're a little crazy... I mean that in the best way possible. Sounds like she's really happy to be a grandma and wants to be involved, and you're a little bit of a control freak and wants to hog her just for yourself. I don't think there is anything wrong with calling your baby "our baby" after all a grandmother is a 'mother twice'. Without her, your husband wouldn't exist, hence neither would your baby.
With that being said, I do get it where your coming from. My mom is very much like that too. She's constantly at my house telling me what I should and should not do with my son. "he's cold" or "you shouldnt' feed him that" etc... it annoys me to no end... but I just take it... and just ignore it. Looking at the big picture, none of those things matter. She loves him and treats him well. He is proud to be a grandma... you get the idea.
I think that you should be happy to have the help, and the great amount of love from her, even if she can be a little overbearing. She just wants to be a part of the excitement. Your kid is her main joy at the moment since she is on the losing end of her years... kwim?
Let her throw a party! I just did my son's party last weekend and it was a LOT of work. I'm still recovering from it. She'll be so busy planning it and working it that she'll lay off a bit. Keep her busy. You shouldn't skip the party, even if it is a little one. Your baby will love it. My son had a blast.
5 DIUI - BFN
IVF#1 - BFP - AJ 7/12
FET#1 - BFP Due 7/24/14
I'm sorry you are feeling this way.
I think some of your MIL's critical comments toward your parenting skills need to be addressed...however, I think they need to be addressed by your DH. They aren't appropriate or helpful and she is overstepping. I've had more than one marriage counselor say that any criticism of a parent needs to be done by the child of the parent/in-law because they will take it seriously and are less likely to be angered by it.
Now for the part you may not want to hear. (Let me preface this with saying that part of my view point comes from the fact that I've had major issues with my FIL that, no offense, make some of the stuff you are complaining about seem pretty minor.) IMO, some of the other behavior just sounds like an excited grandmother! I don't think you can fault her for that and I don't think it is a bad thing. Your MIL sounds a lot like my Mother. My Mother doesn't even call my son OUR baby...she calls him MY baby...as in "How is my baby doing," etc. I even once caught her saying to DS, "Your Daddy needs to come see you." Only she was referring to my Dad...not my husband. And it is even all the more weird because they are divorced. But, alas, I digress. My only point is that I don't think it is a bad thing that your MIL is very excited about your baby. Try to see it as a positive. Would you rather her give your LO a lot of love and attention or none at all? In my mind, the more people who are crazy in love with my son, the better!
As for the first birthday party, my suggestion would be to do a private birthday party for your LO with just the three of you and then maybe let MIL throw your LO the "big" birthday party if she really wants your LO to have one...that takes the work off of you and also lets your MIL get what she wants. If she doesn't want to go to the trouble, then it must not be that important to her...
2011: FSH 13.3 & E 99; AMH 0.54 2nd FSH 6.2 E 40's AFC: 8
BFP from Clomid/IUI ~ Pre-e and IUGR during pregnancy ~ DS born 9/4/12
Feb./March 2013: AMH less than 0.16 (undectable) and AFC = 4;
BFP from supps ~ DS#2 due May 2014
May 2014 January Siggy Challenge:
My own mother is similar to your MIL. I think its easier since she's my own mom, but I have told her to back off before, and have flat out told her no.
I think your DH needs to man up a bit. Not sure why he's not telling his mom to step back...although my own DH has a hard time with it; I have to complain several times before he does or says anything to his mother.
My SIL doesn't say DS is "her" baby, but she acts certain ways to make me think that I just gave birth to her child. I seriously want to punch her in the face, and I'm close to cutting her and a few others of DH's family off, and perhaps my own mother.
I think its great that you are having a small birthday party. I think if you succeed (and don't let people push their way in to the party) I think you'll be a lot tougher and thicker skinned. I've been slowly gaining a thicker skin and mama bear claws.
I completely understand how you are feeling and struggle with resentment, anger, jealousy, etc. toward my MIL. She decided at my baby shower that she would open the gifts and sees nothing wrong with this. This is among the numerous other things.
I get why people say that it's better to have the help, love, etc. from grandparents but, what I don't understand is why, as a new mom, I am made to feel that I should have to give up my baby to my overbearing MIL during visits just because she is caring and loving. Maybe I want to feed my daughter, or change her diaper, or put her down for a nap. Haven't the inlaws/parents already parented once?
To be honest, I've started to talk to a therapist to help me deal with her and the anger/resentment I have towards her. It has helped some and I cross my fingers it will continue to help. I am struggling with learning to be more empowered and confident. The best piece of advice I have is that you can't change someone else, you can only change the way you handle/react to them.
Good luck!
Thanks to everyone of you for responding - sharing your similar (and often times worse stories) and offering advice. That was exactly what I needed - to be heard and to be able to listen/read.
I have been debating letting her throw the party (thanks for suggestions). I may have to throw in a couple of "terms" only because she will throw the party for her family and not invite DH's father, SMIL, my father, etc. Dealing with MIL is one stressful issue, dealing with all the different familial "camps" and our obligations to them is a whole other ball game.
I never, ever in 100 million years anticipated dealing with all this - overexcited MIL, too many different grandparents to juggle, etc. It has really put a damper on this first year, and I can't allow it to this next year. As you all noted (and I did super appreciate the non-snarky replies and empathy - you ladies rock!), this is an issue I need to fix and can probably only change myself. I really also may be displacing some frustration onto MIL, too, due to all the juggling/obligations we have with such a messy family structure on DH's side.
And, to the poster who is seeking MH services, don't think I did not think about calling my counselor for a chat about this! Sessions can be so incredibly validating and a huge opportunity for getting some tools to best deal with it all.
Let me just preface what I'm about to say with this: You are not crazy, you are not ungrateful.
When my daughter was first born, everything my MIL did (pretty much) got on my nerves. She did the hovering thing, even tried to follow me when I left the room to breastfeed. She never wanted to hand my kid over to me, even when LO was crying and reaching for me. BUT...I was also suffering PPD. It really caused my reactions to be a bit much. I never went off on her, but I started having anxiety attacks. I would cry and ask my husband if I was right to be upset or not because I didn't trust that I was rational.
The whole thing severely impacted my relationship with MIL. Even though I know that I was overreacting, some of those feelings still exist and color how I perceive things now.
All of that is to say, yeah, you may be overreacting. It sounds like you don't have to deal with her that often, but when you do she's just totally overboard on wanting to love the baby. I'd just deal with it, and explain to YH that you know you aren't necessarily thinking straight. Don't try to get him "on your team"...he might perceive that as you attacking his mom and wanting him to join you.
What helped with me was posing it to him as a question, like, "I was upset by X, would that have upset you too?" I also would leave the room a lot when she was with the baby, so that I wouldn't have to see the behaviors that annoyed me. I also started medication for PPD and had some very open conversations with MIL, DH, and a therapist (not all at once).
Things are much better now, and I hope they get better for you too! Best of luck!
My MIL is the same. don't get me wrong, she treats me well and she's very nice, just very opinionated and she has something to say about everything. it was blow up after blow up on my end (and DH told me I was being overly emotional - she kept calling her my girl and it drove me insane!), till we went away with her and DD1 fell and she came in and scooped her up away from DH and he finally realized that he was missing out on so many things because she was taking them from him. I get here and there, but we both work full time, so the weekends are as much about us spending time with the kids for us as it is for her. He finally said something to her about how she's our child not hers, and how she got to learn and be a parent and now it's our turn. And that we appreciate the advice and suggestions, but we're doing things our way. With #2 I've realized that it's as much about me just ignoring her as it is knowing she is who she is and won't change. You're never going to get rid of the peanut gallery comments - my MIL still has an opinion on everything, but I've come to learn she isn't judging me, just sharing her own opinion. I'm the mommy and I know what my girls need and want, not her.
(and yes, I secretly jump for joy every time DD1 tells her she wants to cuddle with mommy not grandma or when DD2 cries and reaches for me and pushes her out of the way)