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anc9283
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PTSD Baby Daddy
anc9283
member
I have been going to a military counselor to try and deal with my daughter's father and his PTSD he suffers from; she recommended I search around the internet and find others who may be going through the same thing... so here I am! This pregnancy was definitely an accident, but given I'll be 30 a mere 8 days before she is due to enter this world and I have no other kids, I can't say anything bad about it. This pregnancy has been pretty lonely because he just isn't around much. It's kind of difficult to explain, but basically we ARE together and we do have very loving moments and he is very involved at times. But he is also incredibly distant at the same time and has a lot of mental blocks as far as moving forward or being totally involved. He has a daughter that is 4 from a previous marriage and while he allowed me to be involved in her life at one point he has now decided he and I are too up and down for me to continue being involved so he spends very little time with me, as he has sole custody of her and has to tend to her. He basically tells me that because I am 30 I can adjust to and deal with this pregnancy on my own whereas his 4 year old can not tend to herself. He also doesn't really include me in the majority of his life outside of me. His family really doesn't know me, and they don't seem too interested in his unborn daughter, but that is mostly because he doesn't talk to them about us and he doesn't allow me to be around so I guess it would be kind of hard for them to be super involved. But it is very upsetting because they are a close family that I would love nothing more than to be involved with, and of course I would absolutely love if my daughter could have that same bond with them that his daughter has. It is very up and down and very emotional, especially given your normal pregnancy hormones. I ask him constantly if he just doesn't WANT me and this baby and that's why we're held at arms length and he always replies that he loves me very much and wants me and is working towards getting his head straight so that we can be a family all under one roof. But obviously being TOLD those things and then being kept at a distance and left to be pretty lonely (especially when I am down to the last 8 weeks and we still have no set arrangement on how we're gonna do this) is very confusing and upsetting. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be doing myself a favor if I just left this relationship and dealt with being a single mom rather than all this up and down... Just to clear up any confusion... I don't believe there is an issue with fidelity or anything like that. I think he truly is so wrapped up in his thoughts and trying to calculate every move to perfection and only allow as much mental stimulation at once as he can deal with that he ends up really making these huge issues out of what should just be normal progression of a relationship. He's been this way our whole relationship, calculating every move only when it's perfectly right. But we've never had instances of me being unable to get in touch with him or unexplained absences or ANYTHING that would even indicate something like infidelity or the like.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: PTSD Baby Daddy
Let me start off by saying I am not in your situation or anything similar. There are other moms on here who have some experience parenting with a father suffering from PTSD.
But because I have had some training in dealing with mental health issues from a peer support level, my question for you is if the counselor you are seeing is YOUR counselor or his. Because, again just from what YOU are describing, you are not in a relationship and I am curious why your counselor would allow you to believe that this kind of "relationship" was healthy for you. Again, I have no experience with PTSD, but if he is stable enough to be a single parent to his 4 year old, he is stable enough to be in a relationship with you if that is what HE CHOOSES. If he's not choosing that, you need some distance to take of yourself and your pregnancy.
From what you describe it sounds like he is using his PTSD diagnosis to hold you at arms length and not deal with the relationship or the pregnancy. My two cents. Take care of yourself. I hope the ladies that have been in similar shoes can help you more.
great advice from previous poster.
I'm all for telling ppl to stop putting up with that sh*t. Stop allowing the excuses. Start thinking for yourself and your child, and start making moves for you and the children instead of allowing someone to continually let you down..
Good luck! stay strong
I'm at work and can't read your entire post and comment, but once I get home I will. My situation is the same. I am dealing with a severe PTSD baby daddy who has been hell. I would be happy to connect with you.
Write more soon!
OP: My situation is somewhat similar. I don't like to share all the details but in a nutshell, my soon to be child's father has severe PTSD and was discharged from the military in part because of it. We have a long history and in the past (many years ago when we were together) he was abusive. He cut the physical abuse but I started noticing the mental emotional stuff was still there. Holding things over my head, etc. I got sick of it, started posting on here, and after his last PTSD episode over the midwife not taking AmEx and that being a significant emotional event, I kicked him out. I don't regret doing that, though it sucks mega big time. I don't like doing this alone but I can attest to the fact I have a SIGNIFICANT amount of less stress in my life with him not being a part of my day to day life. My family is 1000 miles away. Mom supportive emotionally. Dad has not responded to me letting him know I'm PG and will probably not contact me or be on board for many, many months if not until baby is born. I don't have many friends around here bc I've moved so much over the years, so with one or two exceptions, I'm doing this truly alone. Still, it's worth it to me and my child to not have the extra stress.
I can tell you from years of personal experience he isn't going to change. I also work at a non profit that helps military with PTSD, TBI, etc. They absolutely have to WANT to change, get on meds, therapy, the whole thing. Mine got off his meds years ago and I made it mandatory he get back on if we were to be together. Unfortunately, they didn't kick in in time for his sake.
Please do what's best for you. I know it sucks to think about and nobody wants to be alone, but you'll find a way. You'll make a way. It is sad to see people we love with PTSD act the way they do when we know it's not their fault, but it's truly not an excuse. If my ex would open his eyes and admit he has a problem, he could take responsibility and make life easier for everyone.
Hugs.