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Blended Families
Step Daughter's inapropriate online behavior
My 16 year old step daughter just moved in with us. It has been hectic
as we already have a 2.5 year old and another on the way. My husband
and I gave up our bedroom so she could move in (we now sleep in the
living room). I have always had my suspicions that her problems at school
(bad grades and trouble with other kids) were of her own doing but my
husband blames his mother (whom she lived with) for her problems. My
husband and I have recently become friends with her on Facebook. I see
a lot of status updates on my page from her that do not appear on my
husbands page. I think she is blocking him from seeing her status
updates which I would not tolerate if she were my child. The ones I
have seen include foul language, complaining about other kids, and
complaining about materialistic things her grandmother provided for her
(ie, a crappy cell phone, her words). The more I told him about this
behavior she started to block me as well. Now we find out she is going
on this teen dating site. When he confronted her it was obvious she was
blowing him off but he doesn't see it that way. He has a lot of guilt
over how she was raised so he acts more like her friend than her
parent. She received 4 F's last year and he is talking about getting
her an I phone!! I think her internet privileges should be taken away
until her grades improve and she can show maturity in her FB postings. I
also think she should have to log into her facebook every few weeks with
him there so he can see if she is in fact blocking him from seeing
inappropriate postings of hers. Am I being to harsh? I have 2 children
of my own to worry about and I don't want them to see daddy cutting her a
bunch of slack when he is very strict with them.Just a side note, her mother is not in the picture, hasn't been since she was 6 months old. My husband works 6-7 days a week, 12-14 hrs a day so I am normally the only parent home. I would prefer not to become the evil step mother, I told him when she moved in that disciplining was up to him.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Step Daughter's inapropriate online behavior
Look I am going to be blunt and say this is 100% a DH problem He decided 4 years ago to take the easy way out and decided not to parent his kid and now you are seeing the results and you are in the impossible position of parenting a 16yo with very little help from your DH since he is still not stepping up and because he is gone for work all the time. You have no choice but to parent her because he is not around but you only have two years until she can legally move out, and with her getting that many Fs I fear these are going to be very very long years...I have been there with the troubled teen SD living with us full time but my DH was at least on board. I would strongly suggest sitting down and telling him what you need from him and what are deal breakers to you, My personal deal breakers would be Fs, drinking, drugs, stealing, and temper tantrums from a 16yo (especially since you have little kids, I had a 1yo when the *** hit the fan with my SD at 17yo). I agree with the above that she can find ways around you for social media but if it were me I would take away her phone, computer and any other devices that can access the internet like iPods, etc. I would not let her sleep at anyones house unless you know with 100% certainty what will and will not happen at that house, if she is going on dating sites at that age she is very likely having sex also and I would point this out to him and point out the legal ramifications to you guys if she has a kid as a minor. He needs to step up.
Can I ask why she is with you now? What changed?
So he didn't want to parent from when she was 12-16, and now he still doesn't want to parent?
I'd say counseling. You've only got 2 years left with your SD--he needs to make them count. And so that the same mistakes aren't repeated with the babies.
Do you see your husbands fault in all of this? You seem to be focused on her part in it and that you do not like his mother but you seem to have had no issues with him letting his mother raise his child for these four years that you have been married and I do not hear anything from you on how maybe he F'd up by giving up his kid when he married you? And are you really ok with her being back?
The FB behavior is very typical of a 16 yo, and if DH wants to put a stop to it he needs to set very clear rules and consequences. Noticing a theme here? DH needs to step up, set rules and follow through. You can't do that for him. He is the parent and he needs to step up.
First of all, by letting her live with her grandmother, and now, by letting her move back, you've shown her it is okay to just run away from her problems, and that she's smarter/sneakier than the adults in her life.
Secondly, YOU need to step up and parent- this includes discipline. Your DH needs to as well. You need to make it clear that she will not be moving out again until she hits 18. You need to set firm rules- for example, that her cell phone is not a right and she will lose it if she gets Fs. Your DH needs to do the same.
Your DH messed up, now he needs to buckle down and parent. It's going to be hard, but it isn't the 16-year-old's fault. It is the fault of the adults who let her get into this situation in the first place.
Nope. If she cannot keep you unrestricted then she loses all privledges.
Well this is even a worse situation than my XH and I had with my XSD. I'm just going to be brutally honest. You are fighting a losing battle. Even if you all went to counseling, I don't see this changing over nite and it's going to only get worse.
Your husband let a 12 year old dictate and choose her living situation. BAD idea. Now 4 years later he wants to point the finger at the grandmother. And you want to blame her? Reality check...your DH screwed up. And big.
Taking away her internet and phone priveleges is just the beginning and a drop in the bucket. If your husband wants things to change, he needs to engage. NOW. And you and him need to be on board. I strongly, strongly, strongly suggest you all get into counseling now and your DH especially needs to put forth 100% effort in realizing where he went wrong to begin with and ready to make changes needed to help his daughter.
Get ready to buckle up for the ride. You're going to have a seriously stressful 2 years. I'd like to be more optimistic, but I've been there. I'm now divorced. I really don't wish that for you and I'm not saying that's where your marriage is heading, but the stress was too much for me, XH refused to properly parent his children, and I was not equipped to take on, and keep taking on his now adult's children's BS. I hope you are. And I hope you are better at it, and more successful than me.
Sorry to be such a downer, but you need to realize what you're in for.