Thinking about TTC; starting to get terrified about vaginal birth

magpie1127 · July 2013

Hello ladies,

I have posted mostly on the Knot and the Nest, but DH and I are about to celebrate our three-year anniversary and are excited to potentially start TTC soon. I feel pretty knowledgeable about pregnancy and childbirth - my mother is an OB nurse and I studied women's health extensively in college. I've always planned on giving birth as naturally as possible when the time came, and I am still really excited for the entire process. However, I stumbled across this thread while doing some preliminary research. This thread led me to research other risks associated with vaginal delivery. If you take the time to read many of these comments, I think you'll agree: It's enough to freak anyone out.

Can someone please ease my fears about this? If you had a vaginal birth (especially if you tore), were you able to heal and have a healthy sex life post-partum? I always thought that my biggest fear about childbirth would be having a C-section, but now I'm starting to be more freaked out about tearing than anything else. Is it practically inevitable that a FTM will tear during vaginal delivery? Does tearing mean the end of sex as I know it?

I'm sure my husband will love me no matter what, but this isn't all about my DH - this is about me. I will personally feel terrible and will enjoy sex much less if my vagina doesn't go back to a semi-normal state after delivery. Sexuality is very important to me, and I'm kind of freaking out about this.

Any advice/personal experiences/inspiration would be appreciated. Thanks! (And as a side note, if and when we do become pregnant, I look forward to chatting with you all!)

24karat · July 2013

I had a vaginal birth with my first and had a minor tear. So minor that they weren't even sure they'd need to put a stitch in. Everyone is different, but generally I've heard that longer labors tend to have the bright side of little to no tearing, which would make sense in my case as I went 36hrs. Tearing tends to be more severe with really short labor. It didn't affect our sex life at all once I had time to heal.

pdilly2b · July 2013

kjkarats03:
I had a vaginal birth with my first and had a minor tear. So minor that they weren't even sure they'd need to put a stitch in. Everyone is different, but generally I've heard that longer labors tend to have the bright side of little to no tearing, which would make sense in my case as I went 36hrs. Tearing tends to be more severe with really short labor. It didn't affect our sex life at all once I had time to heal.

This for me too, including the 36 hr labor part. My vagina is as beautiful, functional, and fun as it always has been.

The female body is really amazing. It's designed to push out babies and rebound back to normal.

Women who go med free tend to not tear as badly because they can feel not to push too hard. Of course there are exceptions to any rule.

I loved my birth experience and hope to do the same for #2 some day.

Haley.Beth · July 2013

I can guarantee you that that woman's description is not the norm (or was exaggerated), and if it had been, I would have gone back to the doctor not long post partum.

Dd, my first, was 9 lb 3 oz. I only pushed for 15 minutes to get her out, and I really should have taken my time, but I was too exhausted and ready for it to be over. I was also pushing with my legs up in stirrups because I was tired of fighting the nurses by that point (bad hospital experience, if you can't tell). Everything was against me during that stage, but I still came out with only two labial grazes and a very small perineal tear. 4 stitches total is all it took. It took a while for me to feel sexy again, but I actually tightened up so much that until 3-4 months or so postpartum sex hurt worse than our first time! I was too tight, and we had to take it slow, it was nuts. But everything went back to close to normal. The only noticeable difference is a tiny scar on one of my labia, and my inner labia are a tiny bit longer, but I actually like the way it looks, they were almost nonexistent before lol. Dh is always talking about how amazed he is that everything still looks great down there after watching dd's big head come out of it!

oliversmommy32912 · July 2013

I had a pretty extensive tear. It did take about 12 weeks to heal 90 percent and I feel pretty much back to normal now. I still have some discomfort during sex but not anyrhing I would call painful. It didn't ruin me. In fact, I plan to do it all again as soon as possible. Hopefully not the tearing part but you know what I mean. Most first time mom's tear a little but small tears usually heal very quickly.

My MIL had a complete vaginal prolapse recently that her doc said is a result of her c section 30 years ago. Another friend of mine has permanent spinal cord damage because someone pushed her leg back too far when she was pushing and she couldn't feel it because she had such a strong epidural.

My point is that complications can happen no matter how you give birth. The good news is that most things can be fixed. Arm yourself with the knowledge to prevent or minimize tearing and I'm sure you'll be just fine.

For the record I was super nervous about tearing. My mind made it worse than it was in real life. I didn't even notice it happening during the birth and while the recovery was difficult it went by quickly. It was nothing so bad that it would prevent me from having another vaginal birth.

utlawgirl · July 2013

Oh lawd.

I tore during my daughter's birth, but it was NBD. I didn't even feel it at the time, and recovery was not hard. By 6 weeks PP, I was totally back to normal and we were back "in the saddle" so to speak. *wink wink*

I would really worry a lot more about how a newborn and then the ongoing responsibilities of parenting will affect your sex life, rather than vaginal tearing. Sure, there are extreme cases, but the vast majority of women are absolutely fine and heal just fine.

ec0983 · July 2013

i had a med free vaginal birth. i labored for 8 hours from first contraction to delivery, and i ended up with a 2nd degree internal tear. i think i had 5 stitches on my vaginal floor.

i'll be honest, the recovery was rough for me. i was swollen and it was very painful for 3 weeks straight- i am now a huge believer in pads soaked in witch hazel and stuck in the freezer. but then i woke up one morning, the swelling was gone, and i was able to walk like i didn't have a bowling ball between my legs again. we still waited till about 7 weeks pp to have sex, but things have been the same (if not better) in the bedroom since then. and i honestly never paid attention to what things look like down there, either before or after child birth, but there have been no comments or complaints from DH so i'm assuming it's returned to business as usual.

nosoup4u · July 2013

I had a second degree tear with my second, and it wasn't that bad. I felt back to normal after about two or three weeks. Sex is fine, and there really hasn't been a difference before or after having my son.

FWIW, I had a CS with my first, and the recovery was much, much harder than my VBAC. Even with the tear. And luck is on your side, vaginal birth has a lower rate of complications than CS, even with the risk of tearing.

Good luck with TTC!

magpie1127 · July 2013

nosoup4u:
I had a second degree tear with my second, and it wasn't that bad. I felt back to normal after about two or three weeks. Sex is fine, and there really hasn't been a difference before or after having my son. FWIW, I had a CS with my first, and the recovery was much, much harder than my VBAC. Even with the tear. And luck is on your side, vaginal birth has a lower rate of complications than CS, even with the risk of tearing. Good luck with TTC!

Thank you!

It is really interesting to hear about everyone's varied experiences. It seems, though, that even those who had a lot of tearing were able to mend and recover relatively well - that's reassuring! I hope I can do as much as I can to avoid any negative experiences, but I guess there's a certain element of holding your breath and jumping, huh?

aylafsu88 · July 2013

I had a vaginal birth and a second degree internal tear that took 9 weeks to heal. According to my OB I tore because my LO had a nuchal hand and there wasn't much he could do to prevent it. Yeah it hurt and was really uncomfortable but it healed. Now I feel normal and my sex life is just like it was pre-baby. IMO vaginas in general are not really pretty. Not many people look down there and my H has not complained so I figure it is all good! GL TTC!

KateLouise · July 2013

I was always really fearful of tearing badly before I had children. More from the prospect of the imagined pain then the recovery.

DD1 was 9 lbs and I needed two stitches.

DD2 was 10lbs 2 oz and I had a slight graze that required no stitches.

I think a lot of that was luck, but I also know that I held back from pushing because of the fear. It FELT like I was going to tear from one end to the other, but I didn't and my MW had to tell me not to hold back during pushing.

So I guess my point is, to talk your fear through with your mw/OB. There are things they can do to help look after that area: perineum massage, deliver in water etc

Haley.Beth · July 2013

magpie1127:
nosoup4u:
I had a second degree tear with my second, and it wasn't that bad. I felt back to normal after about two or three weeks. Sex is fine, and there really hasn't been a difference before or after having my son. FWIW, I had a CS with my first, and the recovery was much, much harder than my VBAC. Even with the tear. And luck is on your side, vaginal birth has a lower rate of complications than CS, even with the risk of tearing. Good luck with TTC!
Thank you!
It is really interesting to hear about everyone's varied experiences. It seems, though, that even those who had a lot of tearing were able to mend and recover relatively well - that's reassuring! I hope I can do as much as I can to avoid any negative experiences, but I guess there's a certain element of holding your breath and jumping, huh?

Just remember that our bodies are MADE to give birth vaginally. Over and over again. If it affected our sex lives so much that we weren't able to continue to breed, the species would have died out long ago. Each female only producing an average of one offspring would not lead to the booming population we have now!

magpie1127 · July 2013

casey78:
My first baby is just 5 days old. I am relatively small (size 2) and baby was average (7lb 6.5oz). I pushed for less than 20 minutes. I had a vaginal tear that required 3 stitches and no perineal tearing at all. Used ice packs for first 24 hours at hospital upon recommendation of nurses. I've felt the same since day 2 -slightly swollen/stretched out, but that's about it. I'm positive things will be pretty much normal well before we are released for sexual activity.

Congrats on your new baby!!!

rooftop · July 2013

look into options like waterbirth warm compresses and mother directed pushing (vs "purple pushing") there are ways to greatly reduce risk

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