Back when you started dating your SO

mamastich · July 2013

Lurker from the SP board who prefers this board...

I started dating a man with 2 LO and I have one, I'm curious if there was anything you wish you would of thought of from the start. How long was it until you considered introducing your LO to you SO.? How did you make enough time if you already had children? Just curious! Thanks in advance

fellesferie · July 2013

I came into the relationship with a 3-yo DS. DH did not have any kids.

I wish I had better thought out what DH's role would be with DS. I wish we had read books or consulted a counselor to get some guidance on the best/healthiest way to handle everything.

We did okay. DH (then boyfriend) met DS after we'd been dating for a couple months. I realize that seems very quick, but we knew it was a serious thing. I'd dated other guys for longer without introducing them to DS.

We moved in together after about 6 months, which I realize is also very quick. We married a year after that.

We're happy and everything is good. But in retrospect I can't believe we moved so quickly. At the time, I felt like we just knew--and maybe we did--but that feels very naive looking back, lol.

Ilumine · July 2013

We did everything that the books told us to do.

1) wait until we knew we were heading to permanent before introducing me.

2) having a pre-set list of rules and expectations w/accompanied punishments written out

3) therapy

4) allowing for BioParent / child time AND stepparent child time.

5) etc

It still went to hell in a handbasket because in the end we could not agree on our parenting styles (though my parenting style was fully supported by the numerous professionals we went to).

Without that, you will never succeed. And we almost didn't. We had two seperations but it wasnt until SS attacked DH and the fallout, that DH finally got his act together. But to be honest, I think it is almost too late. SS is 17 and still has some behavioral and emotional issues that will make life very very hard on him.

I will be totally and completely honest. I love my DH and I love my DD and I love my stepchildren. But if I were to do it over again, I probably would not.

Sigir · July 2013

Being totally honest, it's hard. Like illumine said, I love my dh and my kids w him. But, our parenting styles are different and it has not been easy. I guess I underestimated the importance of that, but how could I not really? Bc like everyone tells you, I didn't introduce them til it seemed serious, and we didn't live together til we were engaged. So I didn't see his parenting style until we were engaged and had bought a house etc.

I don't know what the right answer is. Living together longer would have allowed me to see more of this incompatibility, but I don't believe in living together w a child...so it's a catch 22.

Compatible parenting styles is the most important thing.

Sunday924 · July 2013

DH had two kids and I had one. We introduced each other to the babies right at the beginning. I met his older son after about 3 months. We moved in together 6 months after we started dating. We have been married 3 years this year but together 6.

If I could do it all over again I would have dated him a little longer so we could have just been us. We were a family right from the beginning and I feel like we missed dating.

twister22 · July 2013

I had DS, and DH had no kids. DS and DH didn't meet until DH and I started talking marriage and things were serious. At that point, we knew we were on the same page with the things that mattered to us, especially child rearing. We are very like minded in how we want the kids to be raised. DS is now 4.5, and we have 7 month old DD. DS calls DH 'Daddy,' and DH loves him and treats him like his own. We are VERY lucky.

Honestly, I wouldn't introduce any of the kids to the relationship/each other unless you guys know it's headed to marriage. All to often someone will fall in love with their SO's LO, and that's the true glue to the relationship versus their love for one another.

AmeliaKris · July 2013

Dh had 3 kids and I had none. We met a few months into it. I would have probably waited a bit longer but with minimal bm involvement, dh had the kids all the time. We kept it simple. Game nights, movies, field trips, etc... we got engaged 9 months after dating and got married 20 months after dating. We just kind of knew. Dh and I have similar parenting styles. We are also expecting any day now a little baby girl. Its been over 3 years now since I entered the kids lives. We have our rocky moments and have the middle SS in counseling monthly as he struggles with bm abandonment issues. The youngest who is 11 seems emotionally ok at the moment. Its not easy having a blended family but I feel like one is either cut out for it or not. I do highly recommend some family counseling so that everyone is kind of on the same page. Good luck.

Ilumine · July 2013

I want to preface that the way my DH parented my older SD is not the same way he parents SS.

I was suckered in by his parenting style with SD. It is exactly how I would and do parent. So I thought I we were on the same page. And to be honest, I think DH was on the same page until we actually GOT SS.

The DH's guilt and personal history got in the way.

So even if you THINK it is all kosher, there are no garuantees in life.

tracy41 · July 2013

Wasn't it a little over 2 weeks ago you posted about starting dating? And you already found someone good? Can I have some of that mojo? Mobile smiley.

Littlejen22 · July 2013

The above gave good advice. I think the biggest advice I can give is that if you see something you are not 100 percent comfortable with then you need to look long and hard at it. We often see people on here make comments about how ther SO is the best man in the world and then in the same post say how uninvolved he is as a father or how he is too hard on her kids etc. this really applied to all newer relationships but especially when you have your own kids to worry about. And listen to your kids without giving into them but if they hate your SO it might be a good indication of the type of person they are. And while I don't think kids should get to make choices for you I do think it is an upward battle if the kids don't like the new boyfriend because you are always caught between who to choose.

And don't do anything or allow him to do anything that you would not be comfortable with your child or his ex doing. If you expect your ex not too be. In with his girlfriend then don't do the same and try to justify it by saying you have better judgement. Don't let the kids call him Dad if the new girlfriend cannot call your kid Mom. Don't let him discipline the kids if you are not comfortable with their new step parent doing it. Etc.

4luvof2boys · July 2013

"I will be totally and completely honest. I love my DH and I love my DD and I love my stepchildren. But if I were to do it over again, I probably would not. "

"All to often someone will fall in love with their SO's LO, and that's the true glue to the relationship versus their love for one another."

The two quotes from PP would describe some of how I feel. If I'd had a crystal ball to see into the future, I would probably not have stepped up to the many challenges of a blended family.

DH introduced to me to SSs (now DSs through step parent adoption) right away and I did fall immediately in love with them. Don't get me wrong, I love my DH and we have a peaceful and happy family life. But when the kids were gone for 3 weeks this summer I realized that DH and I have very little in common, except where it comes to the kids.

We both completely agree on parenting styles and how we raise the boys. We are always a united front and a good team. However, we don't have much that ties the two of us together except for the boys. Our interests and priorities outside the family unit are quite different. I worry when they are grown and move out that I will be sitting across from a stranger. I would say definitely take the time to get to know your SO and make sure you are compatible before introducing your LO.

CurlieWhirlie · July 2013

I think it's key to have realistic expectations about how hard it's going to be, especially if you both have children. Your relationship with his kids is important, his with yours, and then there's the kids with each other (which I suppose might be less of a factor in some situations, depending on their age).

I've read numerous articles lately (I think some have been posted here on this board) about how we as a culture set step-families up for failure by expecting to immediately and unconditionally love step-children, and therefore holding step-parents to a higher standard than we generally hold bio-parents.

It's important to keep that in mind. I think it has really helped me and SO, and has facilitated some really good conversations about co-parenting and kid-mediating ? reminding ourselves that we don't need to feel the same way about the other's children as we do about our own, but that doesn't mean we don't love them or want them to grow to be successful adults.

Littlejen22 · July 2013

Also once you talk marriage and introduce the kids it wait a while before getting engaged and it really is ok to break up or call off a wedding no matter how late it is because you need to make the right decision.

mamastich · July 2013

tracy41:
Wasn't it a little over 2 weeks ago you posted about starting dating? And you already found someone good? Can I have some of that mojo? Mobile smiley.

I was, I meet a guy within a couple days and have been on a handful f dates. I by no means am thinking future at this point but was curious about what these ladies would say

And ladies! Thank you so much for the amazing feedback it was a lot of food for thought. I think this board has amazing opinions and always appreciate what you have to say

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