This is clearly a DH and BM issue

CFjo2010 · July 2013

At the beginning of June we took K for a dentist appt and she had 4 fillings that needed done. DH signed all the authorization for work and for payment and then asked BM if she wanted to be the one to schedule the appt for the fillings and take K. BM said yes, so DH gave her all the info. FF 2 weeks and I get a call from the dentist's office asking when we're scheduling the appt for K. Huh? I ask DH and BM about it and BM says she's been "too busy" to take K. How the heck was she too busy? She barely works and K's been telling us how they've been going to the movies, Disneyland, etc. Get your priorities straight BM.

So I scheduled the appt for the first available Friday because DH doesn't work Fridays. Well, sure enough he had to go in because there's a new machine at work that he had training on. I took K for her appt and she had to have a frigging mini root canal done because the fillings were so bad. They needed to do another root canal so I asked DH if he wanted me to make the appt for this Friday (today) or ask BM to do it. He said we would just take her so I made it. This morning I go to Crossfit and he asks if I'll meet him at the dentist appt. I figured he just needed me to grab my DD and PJ so I swung by. He gives me a kiss and then frigging leaves. He leaves to go to work and leaves me with K who wants me to hold her hand while she's getting another root canal, my DD who is bored out of her mind and PJ who is 7 months old and needs entertained. Seriously?! Seriously?! I spent 2 hours running back and forth between being at K's side and checking on DD and PJ. I am livid.

K is due for her physical. Neither BM or DH made the appt so I went ahead and scheduled it for a Friday so DH can take her. He informed me yesterday that he has a machine rep coming out that day so he has to go in to work in the morning but will be back by lunchtime. I tried to reschedule the physical but they don't have a later appt available so it looks like I'm going to be taking her to that too.

Am I within my rights to be pissed about this? Neither of them make these appts or take K to the appts. I've tried stepping back and leaving it on them but then nothing gets done. Remember last Summer's pink eye debacle? Yeah, I was the one who took K to Urgent Care to get the meds and got yelled at by the Dr for letting it go untreated for so long. I love K and I want to be there to help but I have a 7 month old plus my DS and DD. I could use some frigging help here BM and DH. I know they are clearly the problem and me enabling them makes me part of the problem too. But I don't think K's health (and teeth) should have to suffer because her parents are buttheads about this stuff.

K has to go for another dental appt and I didn't schedule it. I text BM and DH saying, "K needs another appt. Here are the 2 soonest dates and times available. Please figure out who can take her and when, because I am not available either day." Who is taking bets on how long it is before K gets back to the dentist for her last root canal?

lily_721 · July 2013

Poor you and poor K. I don't have any advice but wanted to say K is so lucky to have you. My DH expects me to do everything for SSs as well.

fellesferie · July 2013

jobalchak:
Am I within my rights to be pissed about this?

Yes. Absolutely, yes.

I don't really have any advice, as I am the one who takes care of all this kind of stuff. I make all the appointments. DH shows up to the ones I ask him to come to. If there was a stepkiddo in my house, I can easily imagine I'd still be doing all this stuff.

Any chance YH will come home with flowers? Because he should.

MrsHetzel · July 2013

fellesferie:
Any chance YH will come home with flowers? Because he should.nbsp;nbsp;

Yep you have every right to be beyond annoyed. Thank God K has you to stay on top of these things. I'd love to say leave it to the other two and hope they step up but K's health is too important to take the chance. Go buy yourself something pretty and if DH says something you say it's my treat for being the only reliable parent.

danac2010 · July 2013

I would be pissed too. You have every right. Can she go to school without getting the physical? If not I wouldn't do it and just let it fall on BM and DH and when they are informed it's on them. I had to step back concerning SD's health. It really sucks because I know she suffers in the long run but I was the only one doing anything. DH and BM missed an appointment with her psychiatrist and they still charge you if you miss. Well DH was pissed I didn't remind him or take her. It was on the calendar and I told him I couldn't take her. He hasn't missed another appointment. BM found out DH was taking her by himself and now she suddenly has an interest also. Step back and let things happen. Once it starts costing them more money DH will hopefully step up. I know it sucks for K but hopefully it doesn't take too long until she gets the care she needs.

Lavender P · July 2013

Jo, K is so lucky to have you. You are running yourself ragged trying to take care of the kids. Obviously BM isn't going to do anything but you definitely need to talk to your DH. I'm sorry that you are overworked and under appreciated. Hopefully your DH will step up and help out. No real advice here but just want to let you know I'm thinking about you!

ldmessing · July 2013

I know you think you are doing the right thing and by the child you are, but you REALLY need to stop enabling her two deadbeat parents.

MrsHetzel · July 2013

ldmessing:
I know you think you are doing the right thing and by the child you are, but you REALLY need to stop enabling her two deadbeat parents.

I respectfully, though whole heartedly, disagree. If separated parents let children miss out on things/go without something/general term "suffer" just to stick it to the other parent, or teach the other parent a lesson, then it's just using the child as a pawn and not helping the situation at all. I can't even count the times DH and I have enabled BM one way or another but we did so because we refuse to let SD suffer any consequences beyond her control, that is in fact in our control.

twister22 · July 2013

I glanced at the other comments, and I know that I may be alone in this thinking, but here it goes.

BM clearly doesn't care and isn't going to do it for K. And, you are the one who schedules and takes DS, DD, & PJ to appointments in your household. I don't think it's a crazy thing that DH expects you do the same for K. After all, she is kid in your household, and you love her like your own and are taking a huge part in raising her.

I would talk with DH. Maybe tell him that you don't mind being the one to schedule appointments for K and to take her to them, but that needs to be a clear thing. Tell him he needs to stop acting like he's going to do it if he expects you to. He likely wants you to be the one to do it, but isn't afraid to ask since K's your SK instead of your BK. Then, once you and DH are on the same page, email BM asking if she plans to take on an active role in K's health, or if BM expects that you and DH will handle it. Explain that you & DH have no issue being the one to handle the medical, but that you would like the CO to reflect that then.

Sunday924 · July 2013

twister22:
I glanced at the other comments, and I know that I may be alone in this thinking, but here it goes.
BM clearly doesn't care and isn't going to do it for K. And, you are the one who schedules and takes DS, DD, & PJ to appointments in your household. I don't think it's a crazy thing that DH expects you do the same for K. After all, she is kid in your household, and you love her like your own and are taking a huge part in raising her.
I would talk with DH. Maybe tell him that you don't mind being the one to schedule appointments for K and to take her to them, but that needs to be a clear thing. Tell him he needs to stop acting like he's going to do it if he expects you to. He likely wants you to be the one to do it, but isn't afraid to ask since K's your SK instead of your BK. Then, once you and DH are on the same page, email BM asking if she plans to take on an active role in K's health, or if BM expects that you and DH will handle it. Explain that you & DH have no issue being the one to handle the medical, but that you would like the CO to reflect that then.

I agree with this.

+just+j+ · July 2013

I think you need to raise holy flippin' hell with your husband. When the doctor was yelling at you, you should have said, "Hold on. Can I conference in H and BM?"

Seriously, this is ridiculous.

THey need a wake up call.

Lavender P · July 2013

wendilea:
I agree with Twister and J. Neither BM or your H is going to do it. I'd raise hell at your DH, BM is a lost cause. He's acting like a douchecanoe and needs a slap upside the head. He owes you flowers and some damn good sex.

Wendi, I think I just fell a little in love with you. That was a perfect response.

CFjo2010 · July 2013

ldmessing:
I know you think you are doing the right thing and by the child you are, but you REALLY need to stop enabling her two deadbeat parents.

I feel this exact same way. And honestly, if we were talking about K missing karate or dance or a friend's bday party I would totally throw my middle fingers in the air and walk away so BM and DH could sort it out. But with medical and dental I feel like it's just not ok to do that. Because while I'm waiting for the 2 of them to figure crap out, K is literally the one suffering.

Thank you ladies for backing me up on this. I think what is pissing me off the most is that BM is constantly yelling at me and saying I'm overstepping and trying to take her place. But then she turns around and basically leaves it on me to do this stuff and then complains when I do. I can't win with that woman.

DH has been put on notice that I'm pissed and not president of his fan club right now. I told him I'm not making the appt and I'm not taking K if he or BM schedule an appt. They need to either step up and handle this stuff or get a CO giving me some legal authority over medical decisions.

CFjo2010 · July 2013

+just+j+:
I think you need to raise holy flippin' hell with your husband. When the doctor was yelling at you, you should have said, "Hold on. Can I conference in H and BM?"
Seriously, this is ridiculous.
THey need a wake up call.

I actually did call BM and DH from Urgent Care that day. BM of course didn't answer and DH was pissed that BM let it get that bad. Background on the pink eye thing: BM refused to take K and claimed it was just allergies but wouldn't allow me or DH to take K to the Dr during her time. So K had to wait until that Friday when I picked her up. So in DH's defense (this one time) he was in the same boat as me and had to wait until we had her to go to the Dr. Thankfully that was starting our week vacation with K so we were able to make sure she actually got all her meds for the week.

Holly_1007 · July 2013

hold the horses here Jo, isn't K only 7 or 8? How the heck is she having root canals and all these fillings? Aren't most of her teeth baby teeth? and WTF?! How did her teeth get this bad to begin with? Maybe I live under a rock, but that is a LOT of dental work for a kid that age.

CFjo2010 · July 2013

Holly_1007:
hold the horses here Jo, isn't K only 7 or 8? How the heck is she having root canals and all these fillings? Aren't most of her teeth baby teeth? and WTF?! How did her teeth get this bad to begin with? Maybe I live under a rock, but that is a LOT of dental work for a kid that age.

Yup, she's only 7. The root canals are being done on pre-molars in an effort to preserve the teeth. Unfortunately, the buds for the permanent teeth haven't formed yet, so pulling the teeth and putting spacers in isn't an option unless we're willing to risk totally screwing up her alignment. K basically just doesn't brush well enough or floss properly apparently. Since this has all come to light DH and I now have K brush her teeth in our bathroom where we can supervise and make sure she does it properly.

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