Impact of 2IF on your relationship

roughkat · July 2013

I know I'm still a newbie here, but I'm trying to be more active (4th of July week notwithstanding). I'm hoping someone will tell me I'm not a (totally) terrible person.

This whole f*cking process has turned me into someone I hate, and revealed, in some ways, the lack of empathy my husband has. Aside from him jacking off into a cup, everything else has fallen onto me. The charting, the invasive tests, the medication, the charting, the OPKs, the scheduling of appointments, the pregnancy tests, the timing of sex, everything else that is to come - it's all me and somehow he just floats on by it. It's also hard because, while he certainly would love another child, he would also be just fine with having only our son.

Even typing that out feels horrible. "Only" our son. As if he's an only at all. He's my world and I am so lucky to have him. But is it so terrible to want more?

I have two brothers and neither wants children, and my husband's only sibling, his brother, doesn't want any either. I want my son to at least have siblings if he doesn't have cousins.

Sometimes, if I'm honest, I also want my husband to feel what I'm feeling. Which is a horrible thing to say. I feel like sh*t, so why would I want him to feel the same way? But maybe it would help with his empathy.

TL;DR Anyone else find that this journey takes them further away from their partner, and not closer?

CMDR513 · July 2013

You are not alone. With us, the cause thus far is MFI. So there are "sh!tty" feelings from both of us. There are times when I have an urge to be resentful, especially towards him. I have to catch myself. Our relationship is still strong but not the same.

I get frustrated month after month when we are not successful. This entire process is wearing us out emotionally. I feel more on edge and need to relax, but I can't.

We are very fortunate to has DS, but I desperately want a sibling for him. I hate when others comment and ask when is DS going to be a big brother. With us, there are more with children with siblings than only children.

rcnavywife · July 2013

You are not a horrible person. I remember reading an article when we were TTC DS that the level of stress of dealing with infertility is similar to other major medical conditions, such as cancer. I wish I had saved that article, I would like to read it again!

It is not fair that the choice of the size of our family is not really in our control. My guilt lies not with my relationship with my husband, but how I find myself interacting with DS. I'm stressed and hormonal and I know that comes across with him. We have primary infertility, so I feel like I'm being greedy with wanting another one, and going through all this again.

KC1212 · July 2013

someone mentioned the article about how infertility stress is = to other major medical illnesses such as cancer,etc. I read the same article! Or something similar, at least.

I thank God for blessing me with my son everyday and I refuse, as should anyone else : to feel guilty for wanting another child.

I think it is completely natural, if not instinctual, to want more than one child. No one here, or elsewhere should feel bad!

and yes, I do most of the "work" reading, taking supplements, planning BD ing, etc. so I hear ya on that end!

the one thing I don't do and maybe I should is temp/chart

I don't know it just seems like a lot. I just use OPKs and I cheat and buy digitals.

Maybe since you do all of the infertility stuff just make sure your DH picks up a load off your shoulders in another area of your life...

MJC1116 · July 2013

As others have mentioned, dealing with this infertility bs is really stressful and can be difficult to deal with in a marriage. For a while, I was really hurt because every time we would try and I'd ultimately get my period, DH's reaction was so "eh." He'd say, "Don't worry babe. It's not a big deal. We'll keep trying." It was sooo frustrating for me, because it WAS a big deal and I wanted him to feel that way too! Finally I exploded and told him that I wanted him to feel SOMETHING. We had a really long heart-to-heart where he explained that it does bother him and he does want another one badly, but he feels as though it would put even more pressure and more of a burden on my shoulders since he sees how much my own feelings about my dx affect me. He didn't want his desire to have another baby make me feel even worse.

So, I guess what I'm saying is be really open with your husband about how you are feeling. Men are (from what my husband keeps saying/doing) fixers. They see their wives going through something stressful and they want to fix it. Maybe your husband wants more kids but doesn't want to put more stress and pressure on you. Tell him that you need more empathy, you need to be helped in some way - - but be specific. We all know men don't get hints! (I've learned the hard way). Maybe it's something as simple as your hubby taking your son for a couple of hours so you can have "you" time to decompress from all the demands of IF.

On top of everything else, do not feel guilty about wanting more. Although I know exactly how you feel (and I constantly have to remind myself), just because you already have one great kid does not mean you have to settle for something you were not expecting. Bringing another life into this world is nothing short of a miracle, even for people who are super fertile, so why wouldn't you want to experience that again and give you son a sibling. Don't beat yourself up for wanting another.

We are all dealt, in some way, a sh*tty deck of cards. We just need to find the best way to play our hand. Hugs to you and good luck!

MJC1116 · July 2013

Oops, didn't finish my thought. Sorry!

I meant to add that we are in this together so don't feel alone!! We can get through this...

roughkat · July 2013

Thank you to everyone. Again, it's nice to not feel so alone.

CMDR513 - it does suck, doesn't it, that this changes your relationship? I guess we can't pick the challenges we'll go through as a couple, and I know no one ever expects those challenges, but I never thought this would happen.

rcnavywife - I'm so sorry you struggled initially. I can't imagine going through this without even having my son, so it feels hard to complain. But the resounding message I'm getting from everyone here is you are allowed to want the family that you want, and you don't have to feel guilty for it. I also find myself not at my best with my son due to this crap and that's so hard.

KC1212 and rcnavywife - if you ever find that article, I'd love to read it. I've heard so many comments from people (most of whom don't know our struggle, but some who do) about how "it can't be so bad if you already have a child. Just enjoy him." As if wanting another means I don't enjoy the one I have. I also only temped for 2 cycles. I sleep poorly anyway, and the added stress was waking me up almost hourly. It wasn't worth it.

MJJ116 - thanks for the advice for an internet stranger. It's true that DH is a fixer. But he freezes when he doesn't know how to fix the situation. I'll try harder to be more explicit. I just wish the resentful b*tch inside of me would go away. She's not much fun to be around. And thanks for making me not feel so alone.

Apparently I'm always longwinded. Sorry!

KC1212 · July 2013

I tried to google and find the article but couldn't...it will bug me now so I'll try and dig later.

I just wanted to say to the people who give you crap about "enjoying your current kid blah blah blah" but having a child did not "cure" me.

For instance, I spent the first 14 weeks of my pregnancy in secret for fear or miscarriage...

I didn't want to go to my own shower because I was so shell shocked from going to other people's showers and then having to "recover" emotionally from them.

And then after my son was born I went through a weird phase where I didn't let people hold him I know it sounds crazy...

And now even to this day I don't use babysitters unless I absolutely have to and I check on DS at least twice a night.

My very fertile friend thinks my behavior / obsessiveness is a result of the infertility.

So having a child didn't FIX me. I still feel the effects today.

tryingyetagain · July 2013

I totally get everything you wrote! My infertility-related depression has driven a huge wedge between me and DH. He is such a good man, and I am lucky to have him, but he is sooo clueless in so many ways related to this struggle. My depression has made me pull away from several friends, and made me feel so insecure and worthless, all affecting my relationship with DH.

When I first brought up trying IUI, DH balked at first, saying he didn't really want to get poked and prodded. WTH? I have had countless blood draws, three losses including a D&C and then an ectopic, a surgery to remove a tube, been on medication that gives me outrageous headaches, given myself shots in the stomach, and had countless vaginal ultrasounds. All he has to do is have an orgasm, and he is complaining about being poked and prodded?!! Imagine my anger and frustration with him! With as much patience as I could muster, I explained my perspective to him. Needless to say, we have now tried IUI twice. (sorry for the rant and for sounding like such a martyr)

You are not terrible! It's just the male frame of mind. They are just clueless sometimes, God love 'em.

Hang in there!

roughkat · July 2013

KC1212:
I tried to google and find the article but couldn't...it will bug me now so I'll try and dig later. I just wanted to say to the people who give you crap about "enjoying your current kid blah blah blah" but having a child did not "cure" me. For instance, I spent the first 14 weeks of my pregnancy in secret for fear or miscarriage... I didn't want to go to my own shower because I was so shell shocked from going to other people's showers and then having to "recover" emotionally from them. And then after my son was born I went through a weird phase where I didn't let people hold him I know it sounds crazy... And now even to this day I don't use babysitters unless I absolutely have to and I check on DS at least twice a night. My very fertile friend thinks my behavior / obsessiveness is a result of the infertility. So having a child didn't FIX me. I still feel the effects today.

I like that way of looking at it - the effects of infertility are still with you even if you get the results that you want. The stress and sadness and worry don't just disappear. Thanks for saying it so well. I freak out (like have panic attacks) about something happening to my son. It's to the point that I can't watch movies or read books or articles about things happening to kids without picturing it happening to him. I know it's not healthy, but what do you do about it?

roughkat · July 2013

Thanks again to everyone. DH and I have our first counseling session tomorrow. I know some people would look at that as a bad thing but I'm actually so hopeful now that we're moving in a positive direction. We clearly were struggling on our own, and I'm so happy that he took the initiative to make the appointment.

KC1212 · July 2013

Roughkat

my anxiety has gotten better with time. And drugs. lol. I went to the dr after DS was born and confessed my craziness with him and he put me on medicine to help with the depression and anxiety. part of which was postpartum.

The other part is that he was born 5 weeks early. he was completely healthy but very small and a little jaundice so we had the added stress of a preemie.
As DS has gotten older I've relaxed a lot about him being with other people. I still check on him at night but part of that is I like to watch him sleep.

I think a counselor is a great step to take. please feel free to ask or talk to me anytime. I went through some very dark days before DS was born. we probably should had counseling ourselves.

Instead I lost all hope and that's when I wound up pregnant.

DTNZ4Ever · July 2013

I felt that way too until we found out that DH was the reason why we haven't gotten a BFP. Plus we took a month break and it really helped change my thoughts and helped me not to be so fixated on a baby. I felt like I was missing out on DS my child who is here instead of my hypothetical child. I also reframe my thoughts to focus on what I do have and not what I don't have control of and the positives in my life.

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