I'm so mad I'm shaking

HisChamaoleGirl · July 2013

Getting SS to listen and respond when spoken two have been challenges since he arrived 1 June for summer visitation. Earlier I sent him to his room to read a book he checked out from the library on this rainy day while I made lunch. When lunch was ready I went to get him and he was in my room with the tv on and playing his iPad. I asked him what did I say when I said go to your room. First he said "huh" and then idk before saying the book thing. For not listening and lying I took his iPad away for the rest of the day. DH just put him to bed and I noticed a glow coming from his room. He climbed on top of the fridge and took it down without mine or DH permission. When asked who told him he could have it he said that BM and her mom let him have it back. I am so sick of explaining that in our house we, the adults, are in charge and make the rules. I am so over this struggle and can't help but fear what the next few years are going to be like. He is only nine now. I feel helpless and I know DH does too. He only has summers and odd numbered year Christmas and no suggestion in a CO change will happen due to school schedule. I wish it was an option so we can implement some sort of change and stability it no judge will do that.

MrsHetzel · July 2013

I'm sorry you're struggling. You're definitely not alone. You and DH keep staying consistent and follow through with your discipline and keep making sure there are consequences for his actions and hopefully it will start to click.

Lavender P · July 2013

I'm so sorry. That has to be hard to deal with and I'm sure it feels like a losing battle. When things feel like it is almost pointless I just remind myself that no matter what, I can't let myself be one more person to fail SS. I remind myself that with most kids no matter how many times you tell them something or teach them something, there are setbacks.

Did your DH talk to him about it? I know he said BM told him he could have it but at 9 he is old enough to make excuses and just make up things up. I know from the previous posts that his BM is a piece of work, but he knows that he is supposed to listen to you and DH. It is just a convenient excuse for getting his way and rationalizing it. I know you are between a rock and a hard place because you don't want to punish him the whole time he is home but you also ent to teach him things. It is really hard, and I do commiserate with you.

karatechrissy · July 2013

I'm sorry. I have no advice other than to hang in there. :-(

HisChamaoleGirl · July 2013

Lavender P:
I'm so sorry. That has to be hard to deal with and I'm sure it feels like a losing battle. When things feel like it isnbsp;nbsp;almost pointless I just remind myself that no matter what, I can't let myself be one more person to fail SS. I remind myself that with most kids no matter how many times you tell them something or teach them something, there are setbacks.nbsp;Did your DH talk to him about it? I know he said BM told him he could have it but at 9 he is old enough to make excuses and just make up things up. nbsp;I know from the previous posts that his BM is a piece of work, but he knows that he is supposed to listen to you and DH. It is just a convenient excuse for getting his way and rationalizing it. I know you are between a rock and a hard place because you don't want to punish him the whole time he is home but you also ent to teach him things. It is really hard, and I do commiserate with you.

DH did talk to him but by then SS pretty much shut down. By shutting down I mean just staring off into space an not responding. I am the one that initiated the conversation with SS bc I am the one who took away the iPad while DH was at work. DH listened to what I had to say and attempted to talk to SS. I do feel good that I have DH support but its hard bc SS goes back to BM next Saturday. I don't want his week to be full of disobeying and repercussions but at this point that's on SS and the actions he decides to take.

HisChamaoleGirl · July 2013

Oh and the "BM and my grandma said I could have it back" is a lie bc he didn't even talk to either of them that day. I don't understand why he feels the need to lie.

Sigir · July 2013

I know it's v upsetting, esp when you're pregnant. I am too i understand! But... I am the bm to a soon to be 9 year old and I think that a lot of it has to do w the age as opposed to the blended family dynamic. If he didn't have the bm to lie and blame it on, he'd blame someone else. I am there too sometimes w my dc! I think they are just growing up and testing authority. I would just continue to be consistent, take a deep breath and say "this too shall pass"... That is what I do. It doesn't always work, but I tell myself it's just a phase!

fellesferie · July 2013

He's testing you. It's a kid thing more than a bf thing, but since your time with him is so limited it's going to be hard for him to remember the boundaries.

You don't need to keep explaining that you are the adults and you make the rules. By turning it into something that's up for discussion, you're showing him that he's on your level. Occasionally when DS expresses some sort of "it isn't fair that you and Daddy get to..." I just catch his eye and say "we are not the same." That's it. I never ever ever reason/argue with DS when he is misbehaving. I am someone who wants to talk things out, and it is so hard for me to shut my mouth and walk away. Our neuropsych says there is never any reason at all an adult should argue a point with a child.

If you feel helpless and frustrated, he's going to key into that. It's going to make him feel like he's got power over you.

Parenting is really hard, and this is a normal parent/kid thing.

HisChamaoleGirl · July 2013

Thanks for the great responses ladies. I haven't had to deal with this age group before so I didn't realize that it wasn't a bf issue so much as an age issue. I'm just hoping some impact will be made before he goes back to BM next week. He keeps saying he wants to live here with us so he "can see lo grow up."

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