WWYD - 6 days without 6 month old...

AliceKC9876 · July 2013

Hi there....long time lurker here with a difficult situation:

I have an almost 6-month-old that I adore and spend 24/7 with. He is EBF and we bedshare. He is pretty needy during the night (he nurses A LOT), and I have no plans to move him to a crib until he's a lot closer to sleeping through the night (which will probably be awhile). I also nurse him to sleep almost always.

Here's my dilemma: my husband earned an all-expenses-paid Alaskan cruise from his company because of how well he did this year. I am so proud of him, and because of his success I am now able to stay-at-home with my baby (I was an elementary teacher so I went back to work for 2 months after my maternity leave, then resigned at the end of the school year). This all happened about a month ago, and we committed to the trip without really thinking it through. I knew that I was going to be miserable the whole time (it would be 6 nights away from LO) because I wouldn't want to leave my baby and I would have to pump every few hours to maintain my supply, but I felt like I had to say yes to support my husband.

Now the trip is a couple weeks away, and my heart breaks when I think about leaving my baby for almost a week. I really don't think I can do it. My mom would be watching him, and I know she is so great with him (she watched him when I went back to work for a couple months), and she loves him. I have enough frozen breastmilk to last him the whole time I'm gone so that's not an issue, but we left him for about 5 hours last weekend to attend a wedding reception and he did not do well.....wouldn't take the bottle (my mom kept trying and said he maybe took an ounce or so), and cried himself to sleep while my mom was wearing him in the carrier. Hearing about this just breaks my heart....how can I leave him for that long? My mom keeps telling me he'll adapt, but I'm not so sure.

He used to take a bottle while I was working, so I'm sure with a little practice he would take it again, but I have no idea how my mom will get him to sleep at night. She's willing to do whatever, and she knows how I am anti cry-it-out so I know she wouldn't just let him cry without comforting him, but I just don't see how this is going to work. Also, if he refused to breastfeed after we got back, I would never forgive myself.

Yesterday, I talked to my husband about cancelling and he is so upset with me. I've tried to explain how I feel, but he is so mad at me. I know I am putting him in a bad situation since we already committed, and I feel absolutely horrible about the whole situation. I want to support him so bad, but in my heart I don't know how I can leave my baby for that long. I can handle myself being miserable for a week, but the thought of my baby struggling without me I just can't do.

WWYD if you were in my situation? Any advice? Am I doing the right thing by cancelling and letting my husband down, or am I being a horrible wife?

ETA: Unfortunately, taking him isn't an option. Trip rules state nobody under 18 is allowed to attend, and the cruise ship is chartered so it's not like I could buy a room for my parents to come with my baby or anything like that.

skibunny59 · July 2013

Nicb13:
I personally think the trip would be good for everyone. You and your husband especially. I'd have a hard time leaving my LO too but this trip seems unique and your DH earned it so I'd totally go. You and your son will survive 6 days apart! Better to do it now than when he's older and realizes you are gone for so long. I wouldn't stress this so much and try to have a good time.

All of this! Have a great time with DH and try not to worry about your LO. He will be in good hands with your mom.

skibunny59 · July 2013

Nicb13:
thatoneredhead:
That is so tough. I dont think I would be ready to leave my LO for 6 days and he is over a year, but I understand your husband's side too.
Since I didnt BF, it's hard for me to put myself in your shoes since I wouldnt have the constant reminder with pumping and being anxious about your nursing when you get back. That being said, I would go. I think a 6 day cruise would have done wonders for our marriage at 6 months.
I really dont mean to be snarky or to undermine how comforting it is for them to nurse, but all of us who dont have found ways to comfort our babies and I know your mom can too. I agree with your mom that he will adjust quickly.
I wouldnt want to be in your spot and if you do go, I hope you will be at peace with your decision and have fun.
ETA: I know this isnt the AP thing to say, but maybe that time away from you at night will help him sleep better. I night weaned just by dropping his ounces and he stopped bothering to wake up for 2oz.
Totally agree with all the bolded.

I also agree with the bolded. I am still nursing my 15 month old but she has always been perfectly fine when we leave her with family members. We have left her overnight with my mom a bunch of times and my mom has always found other ways to comfort her and DD does just fine. It's not like you're leaving your LO with a stranger. You are leaving him with his loving grandma. He will be just fine.

musicalmama5 · July 2013

Go and have fun! It will probably be hard at first, but you'll adapt too!

ncbelle · July 2013

I personally can't leave my kids overnight until they've night weaned - but I don't think it's wrong to do so. I imagine the trip would be harder on you than baby - but I personally would just be miserable all the time and couldn't go.

Sorry, wish I had more helpful advice. Just wanted to say you aren't crazy for feeling like you can't do it. Would it be an option to see if the company would be willing to make an exception for an infant? It's not like baby would cost them money or anything.

RioG1978 · July 2013

I wouldn't be able to do it either. Can your husband go alone? Will there be any other work people going single?

ToastieSimons · July 2013

I had to FF for medical reasons and personally, I never could have left my 6 month old for 6 days. I didn't leave DS1 until 15 months (and we were only 45 min away for 2 nights) and I have yet to leave DS2.

My only advice would be to perhaps record him crying to help with your letdown while pumping to keep your supply up.

It's going to be harder on you and I truly do believe he'll adapt. If he gets hungry enough he'll take the bottle and at 6 months it might be better to try a sippy or an open cup. I guess I would have to remind myself that he isn' t a newborn and he'll still be getting plenty of love and snuggles. It will be his 6 days to bond with grandma and get unconditional love from an additional source.

Is there anyway his mom or sister could go with him in your place?

nosoup4u · July 2013

I wouldd look into being able to take an infant, even if they say no. You guys will both be okay if he has to stay with your mom. If anything. a few full nights of sleep will be fantastic!

cyprissa · July 2013

I travel a lot for work and honestly, the first time away is the hardest. Go and enjoy yourself! Baby will adjust and be fine. I had to leave DS1 for 4 days at 4 months and while I cried, he was fine. He was also EBF and my supply was fine. I also think that it may help cut down on night feedings which is honestly not a bad thing. I went away for 10 days when DS1 was 15 months (Dad is Army and was gone so MIL and baby SIL took care of him) and he finally started STTN. Up until then he was waking to nurse at least once down from many, many times in earlier months. Every trip he basically dropped a night feeding.

Emerald27 · July 2013

I am so sorry you're in this position.

I have no advice except to say that you should do what feels best to you. If you won't have a good time because you're thinking about LO every minute (which is totally normal and natural), then don't go. Maybe a friend could go with DU , or a family member.

If it were me, I would not go. The hassle plus the stress that I would be subjecting myself and my baby to would make the trip no fun and not worth it. I would hope my DH would understand.

cpmich · July 2013

Call and ask if a nursing infant can go. Often places that have rules that say no kids have an exception for nursing infants. Doesn't hurt to ask.

MissHoppy · July 2013

I have a really hard time separating from my baby, and can't imagine what I would do in your situation! What a hard spot for you to be in.

I think I would...just show up with the baby and explain that you are breastfeeding. I would think that it would be hard for them to turn you away at that point, with that reason. (Couldn't they get into some sticky legal issues?) 6 days worth of frozen breast milk is a lot of frozen milk to go through all at once...I think it's an undue hardship to be apart from the baby that long.

SnoopyLuv · July 2013

Looking back on it, I'd absolutely go. It would be really hard to leave, but you would have such a wonderful time and get a chance to connect with DH.

AliceKC9876 · July 2013

Thanks so much for everyone's thoughts....it was great to hear some different perspectives! We have been talking though things today, and my husband is being more understanding to how I feel....I mean, the thought of turning down an all-expenses-paid Alaskan cruise would sound crazy before we had kids, but things are so different now.

We called to see if they would make an exception for a breast-feeding infant, but no We asked my husband's brother if he would be interested in going in my place so we're waiting to hear back, but I don't know if that will work out with his work schedule. It would be ideal if he could go because I know they would have a lot of fun, and then I wouldn't feel guilty for not going. My husband really doesn't want to go by himself (he was one of the younger ones invited so everyone he knows will be there with a spouse).

I feel just awful that what was supposed to be a fun reward for my husband's great year at work has turned into a stressful mess. Hopefully we'll get things figured out by the weekend, but at this point I'm really hoping my BIL can go (and the company is willing to switch everything out) because I just don't think I can do it.

erbear · July 2013

I'd go. Your marriage is important too, and your baby will be fine. I left both kids for a 3 night work trip when they were 6-7 months old. I missed them. I hated pumping every 4 hours. They both had a nursing strike for about a week when I returned by everyone was fine. It's healthy to have some separation and I understand your husband's point of view here.

erbear · July 2013

MissHoppy:

I think I would...just show up with the baby and explain that you are breastfeeding. I would think that it would be hard for them to turn you away at that point, with that reason. (Couldn't they get into some sticky legal issues?)

This is terrible advice. Please don't do that. You'll embarrass your husband in front of his work.

highlights · July 2013

I was just in a similar situation- my baby was just 8 weeks old and we had committed to the trip months in advance, without realizing the implications.

BY ALL MEANS, GO! It did wonders for myself, my marriage, etc. I pumped every 3 hours (and actually increased my supply so that I'm pumping 10+ ounces in extra milk every day). My MIL had a bit of a tough time with my colicky infant, but she did just what your mom would do, and we all survived. It would have been crazy to miss it, looking back.

My infant had rarely been bottlefed and I had only left him for a couple of hours for a doctor's appointment before that (obviously, he was only 8 weeks old!)

I would jump at the chance to go again. Remember, not only are you a great mother, but you are a person and a wife too, and sometimes those parts of us need to be nurtured as well.