Question for those who believe in gentle discipline/redirection

LizBGood · July 2013

Hi!

Some background: DS is 16mo and I'm a single parent. I'm a big believer of gentle discipline, parenting with respect, and all that. I'm also a jackass because up until he was about 13 months I was walking around feeling all proud of myself for never getting frustrated with him, thinking I was all "I got this down." Haha, yeah. Like I said, I was a jackass.

DS is generally a very easy going child and redirection works 99% of the time. But then we have instances like last night: he just would NOT sleep and after 2 hours of trying, with him acting like an acrobat and into everything, I was just so frustrated. It seemed like every word out of my mouth was "no." (No, its not time for tv. No, you can't pull on the blinds. No biting mama! No trying to unplug the lamp! Go to SLEEP!)

And then I'm left feeling helpless and confused. Am I too lenient? Too strict? I have no one to bounce ideas off of and when I get frustrated I end up feeling like the world's worst mom. If he senses my frustration or I snap "mama said no!" (not with a raised voice but certainly with frustration) he looks so startled and unsure for a moment. Did that just scar him for life?

I've been extra tired lately and so has he so I know that has led to increased frustration on both our sides. And, like I said, normally he's pretty easy. I try not to say "no" too much, I try to redirect, but sometimes nothing works.

I guess I'm feeling and because I know he can sense my frustration and I don't want him to think I'm angry with him. If I put him down or walk out of the room to calm down he cries as if he's just been abandoned. Does that damage his self-esteem?

I know I'm probably over thinking it... but I am just not sure of how to parent a toddler. Babies are easy, kids are old enough to understand consequences, but at this age? I'm just not sure.

Sorry this was so long!

SunAndRain · July 2013

oh man, 2 hours...that sounds rough

I put DD down after her standard bedtime routine and if she cries herself to sleep then so be it. She rarely cries more than 5 minutes and if she cries more than 10 which is even rarer then I check on her (this just doesn't happen unless there are extenuating circumstances). Her bedtime does flex betwee 630 and 730 but if she is awake at 730 then off to bed she goes, ready or not. Cause mama is sure ready by then!

I think I use gentle discipline but I think I'm strict too (so far, who knows what next month will bring). What is non-gentle discipline...hitting and spanking? Yeah, I don't do that.

Bottom line: CIO works for us. I have NO idea what we'll do when DD outgrows her crib!

MNgirl326 · July 2013

okay there are a lot of questions in there so I will try answer as many as possible.

1. Everyone loses their cool, everyone. Its not going to damage your kid if you don't do it all the time and recognize that you lost your cool, admit it to LO and say your sorry and try to do better next time.

2. For me, there are things that are absolute no, if, ands, or buts about and got time in the pack in play got put down and me walking away. Biting, hitting, pulling hair, etc. If those things happened while we were playing, I would calmly say, oh my you hit me. That hurt mommy and then either put him down or walk away for a minute or two. If it continued I would put him in the pack and play to take a break for a minute. Remember negative attention is still attention. So yelling, and getting frustrated is still giving attention. Thus keeping the game going.

3. Distraction- I still do this, even with a 3 year old. Like today, he started throwing a fit over what I can't even remember, oh yeah I know I was making lunch and used distraction to curb the fit. Oh can you be a big helper and get the ketchup? thanks! Now I know your LO is still too young to do this, but you can certainly distract with other things. Oh look at this block, I wonder what happens when we put it on top of this block. oh wow, I wonder what happens if we knock it down. Woah look at that. Can you do that? Wow! I use a lot of self talk and narratition, I find it helps me keep my cool and helps LO understand what is going on. Remember a lot of times the aggression and tantrums come from a child trying to make sense of their environment.

4. Bed Time- This one is a big one and is hard. I'm did CIO and feel no remorse for it at all. There are a few strategies that can be done. But the biggest one is to get a gate at the door and when it is bed time, it is bed time. No ifs ands or butts about it. I have even heard of people stripping the room of nothing but a mattress on the floor and making as boring as possible. Then when it is time for bed, you tuck the kid in, close the gate at the door and leave. I promise you that she will fall asleep. It may take awhile but eventually she will fall asleep and every night will get better. I even have some cute pictures of LO fast asleep at the gate. It sucks listening to them cry, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

5. Choices and control- I have also found that the more I let LO making choices and feel like he had some control in his situation, the less tantrums and physical aggression. DO you want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt? Do you want to have an apple or a banana? Although she is young, she can point.

6. Consistency- Rome wasn't build in a day. Parenting isn't easy and as soon as you think you have one thing figured out another thing comes up. But the biggest thing you can do is stay consistent. You are not going to emotionally damage your child. You are setting boundaries and limits and teaching your child. keep your chin up!

Zimger · July 2013

Bedtime can be rough. DS is fighting it. We have had similar scenarios (2 hour bedtimes suck). You are not alone. Sometimes it's a small disruption in routine, sometimes it's teething, sometimes he just can't get comfortable (I can understand that feeling well).

I just continue to be repetitive with his routine. It's rough but it's what we do. We have good days and bad days...but the bad days are becoming fewer and further in between.

If you need to leave the room for a moment to compose yourself then by all means do it. As long as he is in a safe place you can take a moment. He will cry but he will be okay. I think it is beneficial to both parent and child if the parent takes a moment when they need to. You get a moment to relax. You will be able to come back to the situation less frazzled.

TiffanyBerry · July 2013

What is two hours of trying to put a 16 month old to sleep?

More specifically, what are your rules for bedtime?

Are you cosleeping? If so, is he allowed to sit up in bed with you and play with stuffed animals, or does he have to stay laying down and be somewhat still? If he's in a crib, does he have to lay down? If he's in a toddler bed, does he have to stay in bed, or just in his room?

Figure out a reasonable rule (and "you must fall asleep within 30 minutes" is neither reasonable nor enforceable), and then enforce that. And then let go of your own frstration that he won't do exactly what you want. (Been there, done that - I KNOW that pain - my daughter used to take a minimum of an hour to go to sleep, more often 90 minutes.)

Sparks in training! · July 2013

DISCIPLINE DISCIPLINE DISCIPLINE! I was also a single mom with my first LO and it is VERY VERY east to choose the option to not fight them and give in to their tantrums...That is not parenting. IMO Parenting is HARD. You have to find and use creative ways to discipline and teach what behavior is acceptable. I can tell you that my DD was and still at 12 very well behaved...and compared to peers that come over for play dates...it was always so refreshing to see the difference between a well behaved toddler vs' an annoying brat.

Becareful not to fall into the No on everything battle. With our LO now at 16 months, he is totally trying to start the tantrum stage and redirect and time outs are totally starting. We are doing some of the same technics as you. I think we are on the right stage.

Stay strong! Xo

boogerbearoriginal · July 2013

LizBGood:
Hi!

Some background: DS is 16mo and I'm a single parent. I'm a big believer of gentle discipline, parenting with respect, and all that. I'm also a jackass because up until he was about 13 months I was walking around feeling all proud of myself for never getting frustrated with him, thinking I was all "I got this down." Haha, yeah. Like I said, I was a jackass. Don't feel bad, my LO was so, so easy at 13m I felt like a parenting guru too. Then ~16m hit and bam, crazy toddler city.

DS is generally a very easy going child and redirection works 99% of the time. But then we have instances like last night: he just would NOT sleep and after 2 hours of trying, with him acting like an acrobat and into everything, I was just so frustrated. It seemed like every word out of my mouth was "no." (No, its not time for tv. No, you can't pull on the blinds. No biting mama! No trying to unplug the lamp! Go to SLEEP!) What is your bedtime routine like? We have a pretty consistent routine of jammies, brush teeth, read stories, lay down together and nurse to sleep. Sometimes it takes him a little longer to unwind than others and if he's overtired it's worse. But if I time it right he's out in about 15mins. There are definitely times he is busier, and I just keep laying him down and repeating, it's time to sleep now.

And then I'm left feeling helpless and confused. Am I too lenient? Too strict? I have no one to bounce ideas off of and when I get frustrated I end up feeling like the world's worst mom. If he senses my frustration or I snap "mama said no!" (not with a raised voice but certainly with frustration) he looks so startled and unsure for a moment. Did that just scar him for life? I think bad parents don't worry they are scarring their children, so no you're not the worst mom ever. Here's one big lesson of toddlerhood - it's ok for them to cry, get upset/disappointed and generally not happy all day. Life is frustrating, if you constantly try to shield LO from any/all disappointment he will never learn to cope when things don't go his way. It's not too young to learn he can't have everything he wants. I found once I let go of the feeling like I had to attend to his every whimper, he stopped throwing epic tantrums. Sometimes you have to just let them be upset, cry and get over it when they realize it's not going to change your mind. If you give in to his cries, it's feeding the behavior.

I've been extra tired lately and so has he so I know that has led to increased frustration on both our sides. And, like I said, normally he's pretty easy. I try not to say "no" too much, I try to redirect, but sometimes nothing works. There's nothing wrong with occasionally saying no, I try to save it for safety/big issues but it's an easy word to say. And if you're feeling frustrated, it's ok to walk away. In doing so, you're modeling for LO how to handle a situation that frustrates him. When you come back you can say, I was getting upset that you kept doing x, so I left to calm down. Now, let's go do y together!

I guess I'm feeling and because I know he can sense my frustration and I don't want him to think I'm angry with him. If I put him down or walk out of the room to calm down he cries as if he's just been abandoned. Does that damage his self-esteem? No, he'll be fine. Again, it's ok to walk away if you're angry. He will survive crying a few minutes.

I know I'm probably over thinking it... but I am just not sure of how to parent a toddler. Babies are easy, kids are old enough to understand consequences, but at this age? I'm just not sure. He is definitely old enough to understand consequences. And he will continue to keep pushing boundaries and knows when/where your breaking point is to get his way. Kids are smart like that. But ITA, toddlers are tough. You're doing a great job! Keep up the consistent, loving but firm rules and he will be fine, even if there are tears from time to time (yours and his lol).

Sorry this was so long!

rubber_chicken · July 2013

Have you read Parenting with Love and Logic? There's a chapter in there about bedtime.

Basically, you can't MAKE a kid sleep. But you CAN say, "8pm is your bedtime, at this point you have to stay in your crib/bed/room whatever". And then close the door and leave.

If my DD cries, I'll check on her in increasing 3 minute intervals (so 3 minutes, 6 minutes, 9 minutes etc.) I've never gotten past 10.

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