Deployed dad please help! — The Bump
Military Families

Deployed dad please help!

My husband and I got married and are expecting our first son in October. He is deployed to Afghanistan and will be there until after my due date. I moved home to live with my mom at five months pregnant and have been unable to find a job, probably because I am noticably pregnant. I'm 26 weeks now my husband wasn't expecting to support me while pregnant and isn't thrilled about it. He has given me about 1000 to pay my bills which are 450 and to buy things I need, gas, money for the baby, and food. He is giving me about an eighth of his base pay, which doesn't even include housing or other allowances he is given because he is deployed and married. When I bring this up to him, he makes me feel ungrateful for what he has given me and is annoyed that he has to support me before the baby is born. I am starting to worry about how the baby and I are going to survive like this. He is an officer, so I don't qualify for any type of assistance, since its expected he would take care of us. He made a separate bank account for me, so I don't even have access to his pay or any type of money the Air Force gives him. Any advice?!?! Please help!

Edited by mod, please don't post specific months for deployments.

Re: Deployed dad please help!

  • image MadisonCoffey:
    My husband and I got married and are expecting our first son in October. He is deployed to Afghanistan and will be there until October. I moved home to live with my mom at five months pregnant and have been unable to find a job, probably because I am noticably pregnant. I'm 26 weeks now my husband wasn't expecting to support me while pregnant and isn't thrilled about it. He has given me about 1000 to pay my bills which are 450 and to buy things I need, gas, money for the baby, and food. He is giving me about an eighth of his base pay, which doesn't even include housing or other allowances he is given because he is deployed and married. When I bring this up to him, he makes me feel ungrateful for what he has given me and is annoyed that he has to support me before the baby is born. I am starting to worry about how the baby and I are going to survive like this. He is an officer, so I don't qualify for any type of assistance, since its expected he would take care of us. He made a separate bank account for me, so I don't even have access to his pay or any type of money the Air Force gives him. Any advice?!?! Please help!
    He is required to provide you with adequate funds to take care of you and the baby when it arrives. You need to talk with him and explain the situation. It's irrelevant that he is "unhappy" supporting you. Boo hoo for him. You two are married, he is not your father. You don't need to beg and plead for basic stuff. If you are even having this discussion with him, you need to get into counseling ASAP and figure out if you even want to stay with a man so controlling and disrespectful. A baby isn't going to help any, in fact, it will probably make it worse.

    That aside, if he refuses to give you adequate funds, talk to the Rear D COC. They can help get you the funds you need, garnishing his wages if need be.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • What's the rear d coc?
  • Loading the player...
  • I'm actually planning on calling tricare today to see how I can get into some sort of counseling.
  • image MadisonCoffey:
    What's the rear d coc?


    The Rear D is a group of soldiers who stay behind (on base) to handle issues. Call your husband's unit and ask to speak with the Rear D Officer in Charge (OIC). They will be able to help you.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Red flags everywhere. You and him need to have a serious chat about why you're not allowed to be on his account or know what's in it. Having separate accounts is one thing, having secrets is something completely different.

    Ditto the PP about calling his chain of command.

    image

    CJ 05/29/2013

  • This sounds like an unfortunate situation.  I'm sorry things are difficult.

    YH receives BAH to pay for housing.  Do you still have a residence at his duty station (likely where you lived before he deployed)?  Is his BAH going to pay rent and utilities there?  If no, that money is intended to provide housing for his dependent(s).

    Did you discuss with him your decision to move home while he was deployed?  What was the plan for how you would pay bills while he was deployed?

    Is there a military base near where you currently live?  Would you consider talking with a chaplain about your situation?  I feel like someone who is affiliated with or in the military might be able to  provide insight on what is expected of married service members.

    What is YH's attitude about the baby?  Is he excited about becoming a father?  Is he nervous?  MH was deployed, in 2009, when I was pregnant with our son.  It was a challenging adjustment when MH redeployed.  When he left, I was about 20 weeks along.  When he came home for good, our son was nine months old.  Life was very different.  We coped, but it took a couple of soul baring conversations to get on the same page.  But, there was never any question about bills being paid and access to his paycheck.

    I know that couples handle finances differently, but it concerns me that YH is withholding funds and has taken a "mine vs yours" viewpoint financially.  Until I married MH (at the age of 34), I had always worked and paid my bills.  When we got married, we immediately moved from VA to CA.  While I have worked, none of the positions have been "career builders".  And, now, due to a variety of circumstances directly related to being an Army wife, I have not held a job (outside the home) in over five years.  If MH were adversarial regarding his income, I would be quite concerned about our future.

    Good luck with everything.  I hope that YH comes around and soon. 

    ~*~*~*~ Smudges*Mom is Marni~*~*~*~

    [URL=http://alterna-tickers.com][IMG]http://alterna-tickers.com/tickers/generated_tickers/g/gh8t96lcs.png[/IMG][/URL]

    Our IVF miracle was born at 41w6d while Daddy was deployed to Iraq.
    Marni is a pre-e/HELLP Syndrome and PPD/PPA survivor!
  • We still have a house in Virginia, which is where we were stationed at. We are waiting for some house repairs to be done and then he plans on renting it out and collecting the BAH money. I also know he makes an extra 500 in BAH from us getting married that he pockets because his mortgage stayed the same.

    I brought up the bills thing, but he always always brushes it off. Or gives me an extra fifty dollars like I'm 15. He wanted me to move home and work. I looked for a job, I really did. And the minute someone realizes I am pregnant I don't hear from them again. I don't blame them, I'm six and a half months pregnant. He doesn't understand why no one will hire me and says that he wasn't aware that my bills were going to become his responsibility because I budgeted poorly for my pregnancy. But, I was on birth control. Neither of us planned on me being pregnant.

    I moved home to south Florida where there are no bases around, which is probably part of the reason I feel so stranded out here. I don't really know who to call or who to talk to regarding all of this.

    In regards to the baby, he ironically seems excited. He loves the idea of having a son and is taking his RR to come back for the birth. He just isn't being realistic about the cost of anything and I honestly don't think he cares about our quality of life at this moment because he can't see it.
  • Please contact either Military One Source for a counselor or (and I highly suggest) a Chaplain or Military Family Life Consultant.  It is free to talk to either of the three and Tricare has nothing to do with them.  

    Your husband is not only required by the military to provide for you and your child, he is legally and morally required to provide for you.  Being married isn't a you thing and him thing with a piece of paper that makes you legally married. Being married means you are a team.  There will be many times in his career where y'all move and you may not be able to find work, pregnant or not.  He has to be prepared for that.  There are a lot of red flags I am seeing here.  If you were put on bed rest, how would he feel about that?  Would he still be a jerk?  I really think you need to contact his chaplain.  Some one needs to grab him by the collar and shake him.  He is either a giant donkey or completely clueless.  

    [IMG]http://i42.tinypic.com/160yf86.jpg[/IMG]

    <a href="https://sites.google.com/site/milnestfaq/" target="_blank" title="Military Newlyweds FAQ"><img src="http://tinyurl.com/ya7ofn4" alt="Military Newlyweds FAQ Button" height=86 width=108></a>
  • I will. Thank you for suggesting those. You highly recommend calling a chaplain? Is there a special military chaplain I should look for?
  • image MadisonCoffey:
    I will. Thank you for suggesting those. You highly recommend calling a chaplain? Is there a special military chaplain I should look for?


    Rear D will have the contact info for the chaplain assigned to your company/unit/whatever.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I think pp gave you good advice but I would also check out the equivalent of the AF's fleet and family services (I'm a navy wife). They will help you with getting counseling services and contacting his command if needed. 

    Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers
    Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards