If you use formula...

KikiCohen · July 2013

Do you feel guilty about it? How do you deal with the guilt?

With DS's size at birth, we had to start him off with a special formula until my milk came in. Then I started EP b/c his mouth was too small to latch properly. I have continued to EP b/c I have to add a fortifier to my milk.

EP is really REALLY starting to get to me. I feel trapped by the pump even though I know I can take it with me and even have an adapter to use it in the car. Some days I just don't know how I can go one more day with pumping, but I really don't want to give DS formula. Pumping is literally consuming my thoughts b/c I'm always thinking about when I need to do it next and if I have a bottle ready for the next feeding and wondering if I need to pump extra so we have a bottle in case we decide to go somewhere. It's maddening!

I'm so conflicted and no one really understands. I can't speak with the local LC b/c she came into my hospital room and literally chewed me out for "giving up" on having DS directly breastfeed "so soon". She didn't understand that I couldn't b/c DS was burning too many calories trying to breastfeed and that's when the pediatrician and I decided to pull the plug.

iriscarmendiaz · July 2013

I have no advice at all, but I wanted to offer a giant virtual hug to you anyway.

I'm so sorry you're having such difficulties!

PrimRoseMama · July 2013

I did in the beginning because I somehow felt I was "less" of mother by using it. I don't remember anyone who "made" me feel that way, but it was the negative play back in my head. I had to work through those feelings by reminding myself that I was feeding my child and that they were going to be fine. I was formula fed and am very successful, healthy, no asthma, some allergies and smart. So, I wasn't dooming my kid by not being successful with FF. Try to head off the catastrophizing (sp?) that this will ultimately lead to doom for them. It won't.

I hated pumping so I never got into EP. I'm sorry I can't commiserate with you there, but if it is starting to take a toll on your mental health then I would reconsider it.

Honestly, you have to do what feels right for you and your heart. I really really get upset thinking about the same attitudes from LC's that I encountered at the hospital last time. I understand we should support BF but if it is torturing someone there is no reason to shame them and I get very angry when the shame gets busted out on someone having trouble BF.

This time I know it has nothing to do with "how hard I try". Sometimes it just doesn't work out and its beyond you. Your situation sounds like you've tried reasonable alternatives and its starting to take its toll on you. There is no prize for running yourself into the ground. No one is going to say that you are a better mother because you sacrificed your sanity to EP and to avoid formula.

Those that choose formula or use it after trying BF are NOT bad mothers. They don't deserve the shame, and guilt heaped on them. They are doing what they feel is best for their babies.

Sending you HUGE hugs. I know its a mindfcuk and Mommy Guilt is THE WORST.

Also, have you been evaluated for PPD? I would get evaluated just to cross that off the list and keep a watch on it. You want to catch anything like that ASAP so that you don't get into the downward spiral and feel isolated.

We are here for you!

[Deleted User] · July 2013

No advice, I'm sorry:( I also want to send you a hug! Why would the LC make you feel guilty with everything you were already going through, that sucks! I think all that matters it that your baby is getting fed, be that formula or breast milk. I'm sorry the LC made you feel like that. Hopefully someone on here can give you some good advice since I couldn't help you at all:(

KikiCohen · July 2013

PrimRoseMama:

Sending you HUGE hugs. I know its a mindfcuk and Mommy Guilt is THE WORST.
Also, have you been evaluated for PPD? I would get evaluated just to cross that off the list and keep a watch on it. You want to catch anything like that ASAP so that you don't get into the downward spiral and feel isolated.
We are here for you!

Thanks, Prim! I definitely feel the Mommy Guilt. It seems like everything I try to read to help with the situation just ends up making me feel worse b/c nothing is truly objective about the matter.

As far as PPD, no I haven't been evaluated, but it's something that DH and I take very seriously. Honestly, the only thing dragging me down is the pumping. I feel great (mentally and physically) with this exception. I will definitely keep my eye on it and tell DH to watch too. We both have degrees in mental health fields, but that doesn't mean we won't miss something.

Thanks again!

Shanna729 · July 2013

Lurking from June and really appreciating that you put this out there. I could have wrote it myself and have been really beating myself up this past week for switching my son to formula due to lack of supply and he is a hungry piglet!

Well said Prim, I'm sure there are others that needed to read that as well.

CNYBride05 · July 2013

*Lurking b/c I will be a July momma*

Ugh! That LC sounds like a real b!tch . Can you see a different LC? I can imagine being tied to the pump is demoralizing . Only you know what's manageable and sanity making for you and Phillip, but please don't feel guilty, regardless of the choice that you make (easier said than done for sure). ((Hugs))!!

jemasa33 · July 2013

I had a really hard time with breast feeding, and ended up EP. It was absolutely horrible. I became so depressed, angry, and stressed, because I felt the similar pressure that you talked about. Since I had to pump and then feed 24/7, I was not sleeping at all. Baby would not latch on, so I really had no other option. I was on the verge of a breakdown. I wanted to succeed so badly with the breast feeding, but it just didn't happen.

After having a long conversation with my husband, I decided to EFF. He said "what's more important is that the baby have a happy and healthy mother than breast milk", That comment really stuck with me and helped me make it through the transition.

I remember standing in the shower and crying as my milk dried up. I wanted to give it to my son so badly, but I knew it was in our best interest to give him the formula. I decided to stick with my decision per DH encouragement and I was never happier. Since my son switched to formula, he began eating less frequently (every 3 hours instead of every 1.5). As a result, I was actually able to get some sleep! After a couple weeks of that perk, I was 100% devoted to formula feeding.

jackson290721 · July 2013

Giant hugs!!! I have no advice, but please don't let anyone make you feel bad for FEEDING your child. That LC was a messedupbitch! Hang in there! You will get this figured out, all that matters is LO is getting fed. HUGS!!!

new2011mommy · July 2013

I had latch issues with DS, had to pump, and had to give formula until my milk came in. When he was 3 weeks, I could not produce enough and had to give 1 bottle of formula per day. I felt so guilty and cried for 3 days. Well, my supply kept going down. I had to give 1/2 formula at 4 months and all formula by 6 months. I was so excited when my milk dried up. I could not wait to stop pumping and due to my guilt, I figured well I dried up and not that I quit. Pumping is a lot of work and I give credit to anyone who ep's. I told my DH as soon as we stared trying for this baby, that if breastfeeding did not work out, there was no way I could pump again. It is so time consuming and I now have a toddler who needs my attention. I think a happy mommy is most important so you need to do what makes you happy. Ignore the mommy guilt. Also, formula is not poison. My DS is perfectly healthy.

lancomechica · July 2013

You should not feel like a failure in any way. LC's like that are so upsetting to me...I know there are a lot out there. You are doing everything possible to provide adequate nutrition for your baby. If you continue to try BM with formula supplementation I would look for another LC to provide support or guidance. Hugs!!!!

MrsWilson2013 · July 2013

I am only a few days in on the EP and my sanity has def taken a hit. I feel like I cant leave my home, of course I COULD if I wanted to haul all my pumping stuff with me and try to find somewhere private to pump and then somewhere to clean everything after. The only place I feel semi-comfortable going to and doing this is my Parents house.

My hands are so dry and my knuckles are raw from CONSTANTLY washing pump parts and bottles. The only time I feel a benefit from EP is when someone else can feed LO, if I was able to EBF then I wouldn't have that option at all.

Since you are further along I don't know what advice I can offer you, but the only way I can get through it is to give myself small goals. Try not to think "I want LO to get breast milk for 6 months" for example. You will drive yourself crazy that way. I usually think, I will get through pumping today. Or on a particularity bad day I tell myself I will get through pumping my next session. Then just keep giving yourself those small goals.

Even if you stopped now, you have given your LO a few weeks of BM and that is better than none at all. I agree with all the PP that said feeding your LO, no matter how you do it, is all that matters. Keep your chin up, you are doing great.

KikiCohen · July 2013

etoille:

The *easy* path could have been to be prideful or submit to pressure and just say "well everyones telling me that BF is best so that's what I should do even if its not working I'll just MAKE it work because that's what has to happen because so and so says." You made an informed decision to go with the right choice for your family based on your circumstances.

This really speaks to me. Thank you so much!

OSUJaydee · July 2013

I'm EFF this LO and also did it with DS. I felt very guilty with DS, but I tried to put it in perspective and tell myself that choosing to FF was really a small choice in the grand scheme of my child's life. He's turned out fine so far, no ear infections, only sick once, and not on his way to obesity as he's still in the 35th percentile for weight. I don't feel so guilty doing it with this LO because it worked out so well with DS.

As everyone tends to say, you've got to do what makes you comfortabl because a happy mama makes mothering much easier!

KikiCohen · July 2013

jemasa33:
I had a really hard time with breast feeding, and ended up EP. It was absolutely horrible. I became so depressed, angry, and stressed, because I felt the similar pressure that you talked about. Since I had to pump and then feed 24/7, I was not sleeping at all. Baby would not latch on, so I really had no other option. I was on the verge of a breakdown. I wanted to succeed so badly with the breast feeding, but it just didn't happen.

This is what I'm afraid will happen with me. I don't want to even look down that path. Thank you for sharing and I'm so glad we both have supportive DHs!

KikiCohen · July 2013

ncchnat:
My situation isn't as extreme as yours, but we have to supplement with formula because I don't produce enough milk and poor Muppet lost over a pound. I also pump, so that I feel like I'm always nursing, giving a bottle, or pumping. It makes me feel awful that I can't make enough and my poor baby was starving.
In the end, you have to do what is right for you. As long as the baby is getting enough to eat, then how it happens shouldn't matter. I say that, realizing I don't quite believe it myself yet, but I am trying.
HUGS!

Thank, ncchnat! I feel like I'm in a 24/7 cycle of pumping, feeding, and washing bottles, so I couldn't imagine adding nursing in there too. I hope things get better for you!

MrsMcC.10409 · July 2013

This is long. Sorry, but this is a hot topic for me and I wanted to be as encouraging as possible.

I HATE that you feel this way. I am so sorry. It's ridiculous to me that the BFing thing has gotten to the point that a parent feels guilty about making a choice that's best for her baby and family. And quite frankly, BFing is not the end all and be all of providing sustenance. Sometimes, FORMULA IS THE BEST OPTION!

I couldn't BF Asher because of similar circumstances. He HAD to get a certain amount, and in a certain amount of time. I couldn't produce that much that quickly, so EPing was my only option. After 10 days, it was literally killing me. I was so exhausted, and on so many drugs, and had mastitis. I was SICK, and only getting about 900 calories a day. I needed 2100 to sustain pumping. After realizing that I would be completely incapable of taking care of him when he came home, I gave up pumping. We exclusively FF, and quite frankly anyone who side-eyes me for it can kiss my a$$.

I know exactly how much food my baby is getting. I know that due to his formula, he is getting all of the nutrients he needs, whereas a lot of EBFers have to supplement. He is growing beautifully, (his doctor was SO impressed at his appt y'day) and is a calm, happy, content baby. That's how I know I made the right choice for my family and I get past any "guilt" that I may feel. (Which frankly, I don't).

I was bullied at the hospital too. The neonatologist came in, before I'd even had a chance to see my son, before I'd stopped puking from the drugs, and threatened a feeding tube if I didn't agree to pump. He wanted to withhold food from Asher for 4 days waiting for my milk to come in, even after I explained to him that it was unlikely that my milk would ever come in. (And it didn't, not in any real qty.) Once I'd recovered enough to stand up for myself, I looked the nurse straight in the eye and said "My son WILL be getting formula today. Make it happen." After that, they backed the hell off. Stand your ground mama, and be proud. Only YOU know what's best for your body, your child, and your family. Don't let anyone take that away from you. You will be his mama for the rest of his life, and you deserve to have confidence in your abilities.

Best of luck. Sending you lots of love.

gutsymama · July 2013

I haven't read all the other replies, but I wanted to jump in with HUGS! EPing is super hard. I've been at it for 7 weeks now, and the only thing that's keeping me going is the hope that Luke will be able to BF after surgery, because we haven't even had a chance to try yet; if we find out he's going to have to take bottles all the time, I'm not sure I can keep doing it.

I know it probably doesn't do any good to tell you not to feel guilty about it, because I've felt guilty about a million things at some point in the last few weeks, and there's just not much you can do to make it go away sometimes. But you have to do what's best for your family, and formula from a mother who is in good shape mentally, emotionally, and physically is infinitely better than breast milk from a mother who is sacrificing her own well-being to produce it. Phillip needs you, and he needs you healthy and happy. He'll be just fine on formula, if you decide that's what is best for you both. Don't let other people tell you what's best for your family when you know differently.

rooter84 · July 2013

I formula fed dd1 basically from the get go. She wouldn't latch and had a high pallet. Yes, I admit I probably gave in way to fast with her. But I was ok with it. Dd2 latched right away and we had a good thing going. Then she started loosing her muscle tone and pumping and bottling wasn't working out. I felt like a failure, but knew she needed food and a mom who was relaxed and calm. So formula it was. If you consume yourself thinking about pumping, your going to get more stressed. My 2 cents, pump what you can and supplement with formula. Baby will still be getting breast milk and you can relax a little.

eggymaye · July 2013

My milk took FOREVER to come in with DS. It was so bad he lost a LOT of weight in the beginning. Once I started to formula feed him he was just fine. With DD I haven't even tried to BF, in the last two days she gained 5 ounces so I think she is okay. My philosophy is I was formula fed and I turned out fine. I don't feel guilty at all and neither should you. You are doing what's best for you and your baby. If anyone else tells you otherwise tell them to go jump in a lake.

Edit: I hit post before proofreading d'oh!

KikiCohen · July 2013

MrsMcC.10409:
I was bullied at the hospital too. The neonatologist came in, before I'd even had a chance to see my son, before I'd stopped puking from the drugs, and threatened a feeding tube if I didn't agree to pump. He wanted to withhold food from Asher for 4 days waiting for my milk to come in, even after I explained to him that it was unlikely that my milk would ever come in. (And it didn't, not in any real qty.) Once I'd recovered enough to stand up for myself, I looked the nurse straight in the eye and said "My son WILL be getting formula today. Make it happen." After that, they backed the hell off. Stand your ground mama, and be proud. Only YOU know what's best for your body, your child, and your family. Don't let anyone take that away from you. You will be his mama for the rest of his life, and you deserve to have confidence in your abilities.
Best of luck. Sending you lots of love.

That's simply not right. I am so sorry that you had that experience. Way to stand up for yourself though! Thank you for your encouragement!

ROSARAMOS71156 · July 2013

I just want to print this out and keep it to read for when I am having a hard time. All of woman are soo encouraging and can really make someone who is so sad about a situation really pull it together and realize sometimes you have to do what you have to do even if it wasn't the path you originally wanted to take. I am talking for myself personally but I am sure many more woman can agree.

I am sorry you having such a hard time with your decision and I am sure you will make the best choice for you and your baby. That guilt feeling is the worst feeling I think I have ever had to deal with so far, I'm feeling your pain.

KikiCohen · July 2013

ROSARAMOS71156:
I just want to print this out and keep it to read for when I am having a hard time. All of woman are soo encouraging and can really make someone who is so sad about a situation really pull it together and realize sometimes you have to do what you have to do even if it wasn't the path you originally wanted to take. I am talking for myself personally but I am sure many more woman can agree. I am sorry you having such a hard time with your decision and I am sure you will make the best choice for you and your baby. That guilt feeling is the worst feeling I think I have ever had to deal with so far, I'm feeling your pain.

(hugs) I hate to see that so many others have felt this pain, but it's comforting to know I'm not alone, KWIM?

Laura723 · July 2013

I'm in the exact same boat as you. Having to pump every 3 hours is so hard!!! My little guy won't latch well either and it hurts so bad when we try and breastfeed. I'm not producing enough milk yet after a month so we are still supplementing with formula. I hate it, but almost want to give up on BFing and pumping cause formula is so easy. Then I feel guilty. Anyway, you aren't alone. Hang in there!!!

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