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The 180

karatechrissykaratechrissy member
in Blended Families

I know we've all seen it. How a child will do a 180 between houses. I've read so many posts about it, I've probably posted about it myself a few times... but I feel like I've just sort of come to terms with the fact that SS is a completely different little person entirely from our house to when he is with BM. Today was another big reminder of that, and it has been eating at me all day.

DH went out of town. Today is a BM day, but he still wanted to tell SS bye, even though he did on Monday when he went back to BM. He did FaceTime with him, and SS answered and said 'what do YOU want?'. It wasn't a funny silly or joking 'what do you want'. It was rude, voice full of disdain and irritation, and I heard it in the kitchen when he was in the living room. I literally dropped the pot I was washing in the sink and scared myself because I was in such absolute disbelief that he would speak to DH like that. Immediately DH said 'Lets try this again. You're going to say 'oh hi Dad, how are you today?', and drop that attitude. You don't talk to anyone like that ever again, am I clear?'.

I have been SO bothered ALLL DAY about this. BM was in the room behind SS DH told me. I am just shocked that he spoke to him like that. He has NEVER done that to either of us. EVER. It just sort of breaks my heart a little to think that that's how he acts when he isn't here. It makes me sad that if that's how he acts over with her, what other people think of US as parents. Like, all of BM's crowd of friends, do they think that he gets that from us? I am sad, and embarrassed (mostly for BM because she allows that kind of attitude), and just still floored as to what to even say to him tomorrow when I pick him up. Do I bring it up?? Do I let it go and pretend it didn't happen? I know DH handled it, and I probably won't say anything, but I really want to. Just to reiterate that it was really rude to his dad and that it isn't acceptable to speak to ANYONE like that. 

SS is a great kid. Really, he is. We have our moments, but i'm really proud of the boy he is and how well he transitions between homes each week. I'm sure it isn't easy on him to have two homes of COMPLETELY separate rules and expectations. I love him so much... I just don't want to fail him as a parent. I don't want anyone to ever be able to point to me and say 'he's f*(&CKed up because you did/didn't do x, y, z'. KWIM? 

 P.S. Anyone know how to make my siggy clicky??? It's a link, but it goes no where now! ugh... 

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Re: The 180

  • kimmygirl77kimmygirl77 member

    I mostly lurk, but I have a thought about this. I have 2 SSs. They are 18 and 15 now and I have been in their lives since they were 3 and 6. DH and I have been married for almost 10 years. I have seen over the years, the need for my kids to please the other parent. For example, they boys come over sometimes and start to trash talk their mom. We stop them and don't allow that, but I can't help but wonder if they are doing it to please us. They know DH and BM don't get along all the time. They know they only speak about them and not about the weather, so they start to say "Mom was being so mean today..." and hope that we can start a "I hate mom" camaraderie. I am sure they do it at BM's too, about us. I am sure that BM encourages it because the boys have told us the trash she talks about my DH....but that is not the way to behave, so we don't allow that here. What they learn over there, I can do nothing about...

    With that happening in my household, it makes me think that your SS may have been "showing off" to his mom. I am sure she talks bad about your DH in front of him. He knows his parents don't get along all the time. I wonder if he was trying to get in his mom's "good graces" by talking ugly to his dad. Not right and BM should have corrected him, but she is immature and probably secretly loved that your SS said that to his dad.  SO, I am thinking that maybe he won't talk that way in front of BM's friends...he knows how to behave. I am thinking he was showing his mother that behavior to your DH because she feeds off it and it makes her happy. Just a thought....

     

     

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  • HopeforthebestHopeforthebest member

    Honestly it does not matter what any other people think.

    You and your DH know that you are doing everything in your power to help raise a well rounded, respectful young man.

    I agree with PP that kids somehow seem to want to "please" the other parent in these type situations. You can only control how you deal with that when he is with you.

    Hopefully with time, your SS will stop this behavior with mom, but sadly I fear kids will ALWAYS gravitate toward pleasing a parent, even if it isn't in a healthy way.

    And NO I would not specifically bring it up to SS again today since it sounds like your DH did a perfect job of calling SS on the carpet immediately about his disrespectful behavior.  

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  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    Chrissy I honestly think you need to let it go. He was in the phone with DH and at BMs house and you were not involved so I think gwoulentering will feel attacked by you. Remember how much that poor kid goes though. Try to be an open ear to him and listen to him about how he feels about life but let this slide. It mostly makes me feel sad because he is so angry and I know his life with her is hard.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • 4luvof2boys4luvof2boys
    I agree with PP regarding showing off in front of parents.  I would add - I don't know how old your SS is but I can tell you that my 14 and 16yr old boys are going through the teenage attitude years.  Just last night DS14 jumped in my butt because I didn't wait until he smiled to take a picture (keep in mind they never smile for pictures...it isn't cool I suppose).  He was disrespectful, dismissive and walked away from me while I was talking to him.  I called him out on it immediately, like your DH did to your SS.  We recovered and moved on.  I think your DH handled the situation great.  I don't think you need to have a follow up conversation about it since it has already been addressed.  Also, as PP said, who cares what everyone else thinks.  Depending on how old your SS is, I would prepare myself for more incoming attitude.  I do think some of it is simply part of growing up and seeing what you can get away with.
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  • IlumineIlumine member

    This is not a blended family issue....it is a child testing his boundaries issue.  

    Hell, since you have no idea what was going on before you SKYPED, it could very well be a hold over from something that was occurring between SS and BM/rest of hte house hold and your cranky SS answered the phone in his current disposition.

    And guess what = not being able to transition from cranky to positive, happy slappy (ie overcoming one's feelings) is a LEARNED behavior/trick.

    SO while you do need to address it, you also need to work with it to find out the underlying issue, not just assume its BM induced.

     

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  • karatechrissykaratechrissy member
    I won't say anything. I know I don't need to. It just really bothered me. Illumine, you're totally right, it isn't a 'SS issue'. I know he just got ripped away from his grandparents and lives with random people now. I know. I woke up this morning and not in the same frame of mind. I think I'm also trying to adjust and figure out my feelings on him being farther away now, not as accessible as he was with the grandparents, not knowing the conditions of the house, etc... and that anxiety is feeding into this situation. I woke up this morning thinking about all that and it kind of clicked as to why I was so bothered by the attitude yesterday. I think we may all be 'adjusting' to the new norm. I will keep my button zipped and just listen to him today. I think sometimes I need to be reminded to 'be still' from you ladies. Thank you. 
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  • IlumineIlumine member

    imagekaratechrissy:
    I won't say anything. I know I don't need to. It just really bothered me. Illumine, you're totally right, it isn't a 'SS issue'. I know he just got ripped away from his grandparents and lives with random people now. I know. I woke up this morning and not in the same frame of mind. I think I'm also trying to adjust and figure out my feelings on him being farther away now, not as accessible as he was with the grandparents, not knowing the conditions of the house, etc... and that anxiety is feeding into this situation. I woke up this morning thinking about all that and it kind of clicked as to why I was so bothered by the attitude yesterday. I think we may all be 'adjusting' to the new norm. I will keep my button zipped and just listen to him today. I think sometimes I need to be reminded to 'be still' from you ladies. Thank you. 

    Honey, it sucks. It sucks individually and it sucks in the grand scheme that you have  to be in this place because society and the laws suck.  

    I am very sorry for it.  

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  • CurlieWhirlieCurlieWhirlie member
    imagekimmygirl77:

    I mostly lurk, but I have a thought about this. I have 2 SSs. They are 18 and 15 now and I have been in their lives since they were 3 and 6. DH and I have been married for almost 10 years. I have seen over the years, the need for my kids to please the other parent. For example, they boys come over sometimes and start to trash talk their mom. We stop them and don't allow that, but I can't help but wonder if they are doing it to please us. They know DH and BM don't get along all the time. They know they only speak about them and not about the weather, so they start to say "Mom was being so mean today..." and hope that we can start a "I hate mom" camaraderie. I am sure they do it at BM's too, about us. I am sure that BM encourages it because the boys have told us the trash she talks about my DH....but that is not the way to behave, so we don't allow that here. What they learn over there, I can do nothing about...

    With that happening in my household, it makes me think that your SS may have been "showing off" to his mom. I am sure she talks bad about your DH in front of him. He knows his parents don't get along all the time. I wonder if he was trying to get in his mom's "good graces" by talking ugly to his dad. Not right and BM should have corrected him, but she is immature and probably secretly loved that your SS said that to his dad.  SO, I am thinking that maybe he won't talk that way in front of BM's friends...he knows how to behave. I am thinking he was showing his mother that behavior to your DH because she feeds off it and it makes her happy. Just a thought....

     

     

    This is *exactly* what I thought first. 

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