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LGBT Parenting
penguin122308
member
Known donor
penguin122308
member
We are still weighing all the options. I have some questions for those of you using or have used a known donor. I'm sure we will ask later about sperm banks but just researching this now. I have read some online, but I want first hand truth, not statistics. Feel free to answer any or all!
Why did you choose known instead of a bank?
Who did you chose? Family, friend, friend of a friend, online ad.
How did you approach the subject with them? A letter, over dinner.
Was it successful?
Give me some logistics. Did he go to a bank and get tested and freeze it or what? I can't find out how this would work online.
What issues arose from a known donor, such as birth cert, adoption, legal paperwork, etc. or maybe even the relationship with the donor.
As always, thanks ladies for all the help and info!!
Why did you choose known instead of a bank?
Who did you chose? Family, friend, friend of a friend, online ad.
How did you approach the subject with them? A letter, over dinner.
Was it successful?
Give me some logistics. Did he go to a bank and get tested and freeze it or what? I can't find out how this would work online.
What issues arose from a known donor, such as birth cert, adoption, legal paperwork, etc. or maybe even the relationship with the donor.
As always, thanks ladies for all the help and info!!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Known donor
Why did you choose known instead of a bank?
We had used sperm banks to try initially and did get pregnant one IUI cycle which ended in a m/c. After one un-medicated/un-monitored IUI try in September 2011 I threw my hands in the air because we were days early (or late I can't remember) and totally blew the cycle. I felt like I had just flushed our money away. It was always very stressful to time things within 7-10 hours of ovulation to get the best possible success for our frozen sperm. We had mostly been doing IUI's with a midwife at home. We're also really focused on natural living and didn't want the "medical experience". (For instance I had a home water birth with Kaden). We decided to try a known donor to give us a longer window to work with, and the vitality of fresh sperm. Also we saved a lot of money and I was able to relax more. With our donor we were able to try 4 times in one cycle (every day) which was a big difference from trying once or twice with frozen.
Who did you chose? Family, friend, friend of a friend, online ad. We opted for a friend of a friend, someone we'd known for years and were Facebook friends with but wasn't someone we'd see every weekend or even every month. He's a great guy. Quirky, and not the "lawyer" or "MD" we'd reviewed on the bank sites, but he's sweet, funny, smart, and tall (6'5"), he actually looks like my wife (and myself) with rounded features. Anyway the most important part is that he is easy to talk to and work with. As you can imagine the layers of ummmm getting personal in this kind of situation. We were able to laugh about the process. For example after one awkward afternoon sitting in his living room downstairs with my wife not watching the television while he was upstairs preparing the sample... we started texting when we were on our way so the "goods" could be ready for us. LOL. Then he'd go for a walk and we'd do our ICI thing.
How did you approach the subject with them? A letter, over dinner. I sent a Facebook email, that started off as "This is probably the strangest question anyone has ever asked you but.." I wanted to let him have his reaction without us around. Anyway to our surprise we were not the first to ask him. Long story...
Was it successful? Yes, we were successful on our first cycle of trying.
Give me some logistics. Did he go to a bank and get tested and freeze it or what? I can't find out how this would work online. In brief we used, the sperm, egg whites (for a good environment for the sperm), a speculum, catheter and syringe to have my wife (EV) place the sperm into the opening of the cervix (not the uterus directly as with an IUI, but an ICI helps to give the sperm an advantage that a regular IVI (vaginal) insemination might not have). I then used an instead cup (which is placed right over the cervix to keep the sperm where I wanted them). Orgasms are good too, and laying down for a while. My wife used a headlamp to better see during the procedure.
What issues arose from a known donor, such as birth cert, adoption, legal paperwork, etc. or maybe even the relationship with the donor. We did some legal paperwork. In California EV is on the birth certificate. We also paid him $100 a try, to further solidify the business nature of the transaction. And to accommodate us (i.e. being available last minute when my fertility signs said it was time).
Why did you choose known instead of a bank?
We are planning to use my fiance's biological brother (and I will be the bio mom). That's the biggest reason because it'll be the same family tree, same medical history, etc. and will be related biologically to my fiance.
Who did you chose? Family, friend, friend of a friend, online ad.
Fiance's brother.
How did you approach the subject with them? A letter, over dinner.
We asked him over dinner. I wrote a blog post here about it: https://relishednonsense.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/sperm-donor-agreement/
Was it successful?
Yes!
Give me some logistics. Did he go to a bank and get tested and freeze it or what? I can't find out how this would work online.
We're not at that point yet. We decided not to use a bank since the FDA requires that he would have to get tested and then the sperm stored for retesting 6 months later. The whole process costs $3,300 near us in Nebraska. We've decided to instead have him undergo the basic tests and then do it at home (for at least 6 months).
What issues arose from a known donor, such as birth cert, adoption, legal paperwork, etc. or maybe even the relationship with the donor.
We are about to sign a "sperm donor agreement" legal form that I had our lawyer draw up. In addition, once a child(ren) are born, he will sign something else relinquishing rights, etc. Since we won't start for 3-4 months, I can't answer the entire question.
Good luck!!!
Why did you choose known instead of a bank?
We tried 5 cycles un-successful with frozen sperm from a bank. Our RE told us we would have better success with fresh sperm. Our KD offered, and since we have a great relationship we accepted. Best part for us is that our KD is also the father of my 2 older girls, so they have a blood sibling.
Who did you chose? Family, friend, friend of a friend, online ad.
Our KD is my ex-husband. As unconventional as it sounds he is my best friend. Since we already have the 2 older girls together, I had no question about his genetics.
How did you approach the subject with them? A letter, over dinner.
He offered, after many long talks we decided it would work out amazing.
Was it successful?
Yes! My partner got pregnant on the 2nd try, our little man is almost 3 months old.
Give me some logistics. Did he go to a bank and get tested and freeze it or what? I can't find out how this would work online.
He came to our RE's office with us and made his fresh deposit.
What issues arose from a known donor, such as birth cert, adoption, legal paperwork, etc. or maybe even the relationship with the donor.
Our lawyer had a donor contract drawn up that we all had to sign. The RE's office required the contract before we could move forward with the insemination. KD is not on the birth certificate.
Good luck on your journey!
Why did you choose known instead of a bank? I believe that my child has a right to know his or her genetic relatives. Our philosophy follows along the lines of the way adoptions are now much more likely to be open now. It is about there not being secrets.
Who did you chose? Family, friend, friend of a friend, online ad. Friend of a friend.
How did you approach the subject with them? A letter, over dinner. Asked him by email if he would be willing to talk about it. But didn't ask him yes or no at that point, that came on a phone when we talked about our philosophy and thoughts.
Was it successful? Asking was successful and so was the IUI!
Give me some logistics. Did he go to a bank and get tested and freeze it or what? I can't find out how this would work online.
Yes, we wanted washed and tested. The 6 month waiting period is no longer required by federal law, although many, many REs believe that it is. Our donor did a robust screen at his local University reproductive clinic, who shipped it frozen to our RE. We got 17 vials. Cost for this service (washing, storage, screening, psych screen, health screen, washing, and a stupid "decision" by the clinic) was $1500. Made us mad, but no way around it. Our RE stores our semen as long as we are actively working at making babies. : ) One down, one to go!
What issues arose from a known donor, such as birth cert, adoption, legal paperwork, etc. or maybe even the relationship with the donor.
Birth certificate just has carrying mom's name. Have to do adoption for second parent. Donor has been awesome. We have an "open" policy, but we also don't tell every person we meet who the donor is--that can be sensitive, I think. It is a funny thing. But our point all along has been that our child has all the information we have, that how he came to be is as messy and real as any other person, but that it makes sense and he can talk to the people who worked at it.
Good luck!
CageyMack
37, married to my favorite person in the world, DW! One darling surfer-girl (12) and one darling, sweet boy born 3/16/13.
5/2013 Started TTC #3, DW's turn: 5/2013: Diagnostics (shg) and surgery (polyp rem.) for best chances. July-Oct: IUI # 1-4, medicated, monitored, triggered. All BFN. IVF in Jan May. Sheesh. Whoop! IVF#1 cycle started 4/2/14. 5/1: 19 eggs retrieved, 8 matured, ICSI'd. 4 fertilized. Only 2 to transfer/freeze stage. 5/6: Two embryos transferred. 5/15: Beta #1 9dp5dt is 134! BFP! 5/19: Beta #2 13dp5dt is 672! B'erFP! 5/21: Beta #3 15dp5dt is 1853. Yay!
"Things separate from their stories have no meaning. They are only shapes. Of a certain size and color. A certain weight. When their meaning has become lost to us they no longer have even a name. The story on the other hand can never be lost from its place in the world for it is that place.” ― Cormac McCarthy, The Crossing
I have ALWAYS wanted a known donor, no question. It was a feeling in my gut, I'm not sure if I can express it correctly. I also know that banks are expensive automatically. We were willing to allow the donor to see the child, but not in a "parental" way, more like an uncle if the donor wanted to do that.
Who did you chose? Family, friend, friend of a friend, online ad.
We each made a list and "prioritized" it together as far as who to ask first. I asked a couple people, one was interested, but then wasn't sure, the other two didn't respond (I left an out in the letter, which I'll go over next question). We ended up choosing someone that we both knew, who is gay (which was also a factor in how we made our lists). He is not someone either of us sees, but lives in town and does have at least one mutual friend with us.
How did you approach the subject with them? A letter, over dinner.
Mostly through Facebook message, although I did write a letter and hand drop it off since one of our friends lives just a few blocks away. My letters generally started like "I know we haven't spoken in a while.." then went on to say that DP and I were thinking of starting a family and thought of him, if willing to help us and if not, just ignore the letter and hopefully we can go on as before. Once the first person responded, we were going to talk about it over a meal or coffee, but like I said, he decided he wasn't sure. We did end up going to lunch with the guy we chose and his boyfriend.
Was it successful?
Yes, somehow we lucked out by getting pregnant the first cycle we tried. We had been tracking ovulation and made plans with him ahead of time based on that. We inseminated the day before ovulation day, and the day after because you are usually fertile on both ends of your ovulation since fresh sperm can live 3-5 days.
Give me some logistics. Did he go to a bank and get tested and freeze it or what? I can't find out how this would work online.
We could have had more thorough testing, but since he can be contacted if there was concern of disease or anything we decided not to. He ended up going to Planned Parenthood to get STD testing (clean) which we would have paid for, if not for someone that works there not charging him anything since he was helping us out (we think we know who that was since one of our friends works there). Like I said, we planned a couple weeks in advance, since once you end your period it will show you the next fertile dates (at least on our app), and inseminated twice. We agreed (had a sperm donor contract, which we found online and retyped it to apply to us) to try for 12 months and if there was no pregnancy, I would have stepped in to carry. He came to our house, DP was in our bedroom, getting prepared so I let him in, showed him to the bathroom where I had a towel and an instead cup waiting for him, and went to our bedroom. He did his business, knocked on the door and gave me the cup, and put it in from there. He let himself out. Pretty simple.
What issues arose from a known donor, such as birth cert, adoption, legal paperwork, etc. or maybe even the relationship with the donor.
Before we did anything, we went over what we expected of him, and what he expected of us, so no one would be surprised. We did a donor agreement, which we all signed (with a witness) before doing any inseminations. Now that baby is coming, we are doing a second parent adoption (the most expensive part of it all). Haven't gotten to the birth certificate, but I'm hoping that my name can be on it from day one since we will be legally married before the baby comes (unless baby has its own agenda), but unsure about that right now.
Why did you choose a known instead of a bank?
I have been looking for ways to do this without spending thousands of dollars. The past two years I've done nothing but research on home insemination. After countless months of searching, low and behold I come across a website, knowdonorregistry.com. It was free, trusting, and very user friendly. I met wonderful people on this site.
Who did you choose, family friend online ad?
On KDR you can search practically anything. Race, Age, Eye color, Height, etc. I wanted someone who was Irish and african american. My partner and I have that background. I ran across a man named MirrorEclipse. He had everything I wanted for my offspring. Built well, Perfect skin, educated, curly hair, and the race i wanted.
How did you approach the subject, letter over dinner?
I wrote him on KDR, saying that this was the mot awkward situation I had ever been in lol. And letting him know what i wanted, what my partner wanted, and the time frame. We eventually swapped numbers, and began talking about our potential offspring. let me remind you. I'm in kentucky, he was all the way in Philadelphia. Hard task at hand. we talked for five months before finally meeting up.
Was it successful?
YES! It was. i have taken so many pregnancy test way too early that i got discouraged. But guess what!!! I just got THREE BFP this past few days!!!! I'm PREGNANT! I dont know how far along, but I'm so ecstatic that it finally happened.
Logistics.
Before he came and visited I had him see many doctors, get a physical, getting tested, etc. When he visited, he came down and got a hotel close to my home. I met him there and he did his business, in a cup. lol. And I had bought a kit from Prideangels.com . A home insemination kit. I then got intimate with my partner because it always is beneficial for your cervix to be open, hence intimacy. Then we use the instructions from the kit. and wait.
What issues arose from a known donor?
As of right now, he knows I am pregnant. We have discussed that we will both sign a donor agreement stating no child support, no custody. Only the mother will have custody. My partner will sign the BC. As far as relationship, we both agreed he could reive pictures, updates, send gifts. But no visits unless my partner and I are present. I was iffy on the subject, But i want my kid to know that it does have a father, but it also has two mothers. My child can personally get to know him after 18. But I will not keep secrets about him from my child.
Good luck ladies. I hope that absolutley everything works out for you guys. Wish me luck!!!!!!!!
Honestly banks are very expensive, and I've had several friends who have spent 1000's and got nothing. I also liked the idea of a known donor so we had more of a background on them. Plus I felt like if our child had grown up knowing this person they would be less inclined to want to have an actual relationship with him when they were older.
Who did you chose? Family, friend, friend of a friend, online ad.
We used a good friend of mine who I've known for several years. Him his wife's children call my partner I Aunt J and Aunt A, so we're just doing the same when our baby gets here.
How did you approach the subject with them? A letter, over dinner.
He actually came to us and offered after knowing we were interested in having a baby.
Was it successful?
Yes! I'm currently 7 months pregnant with a little girl.
Give me some logistics. Did he go to a bank and get tested and freeze it or what? I can't find out how this would work online.
We actually did it at home with a syringe sterile cup. It was successful after 3 months of trying and free. It was also a lot more pleasant experience than what a dr's office would have been.
What issues arose from a known donor, such as birth cert, adoption, legal paperwork, etc. or maybe even the relationship with the donor.
We have a donor contract. My name will be the only one on the birth certificate as the state we live in wouldn't allow my partner to be. Him his wife are good friends of ours and will be in our child's life just as we are with their children.
Good luck!