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3rd Trimester
How to help my husband as we get closer to the due date?
Ok short story is my husband lost his job in November, right as I got pregnant and he still hasn't been able to find work. I am 38 weeks pregnant and due any day now and I think the stress is getting to him really bad. We are currently staying with his mother, so we are taken care of even if it isn't in our own place, and I am coping with the change very well but he has gotten very moody lately. Everytime I need to go to the doctor he gets stressed out because we have to try and come up with gas money to get me there. He spends his days hanging out with his older brother who owns his own buisiness and helping out there whenever he can, but the problem is his brother doesn't always pay him. Today was a really bad day because he had to go get gas on credit at the store and I didnt know,so I thought he was just hanging out with his brother. I had an appointment, and have missed my past appointments for two weeks so I overreacted when he called and asked me to postpone it again (cause I thought he just didnt want to go cause he wanted to hang out with his brother.) We talked about everything when we got home from the doctors and he started mentioning his cousin who committed suicide. He said "Sometimes I wonder what his breaking point was, what pushed him over the edge and made him hate life so much." and when I asked him what he meant he said he was just so stressed out and he hated life at the moment. I have no idea how to handle this situation, or what to say to make him realize that God is in control, and it WILL get better for us. Once im cleared by my doctor Ill find a job and we wont be so stressed because of money, and i just know that God is sending him a great job as well. I can see our future, and it is one where we are in our own place, with our beautiful baby girl and we are so, so, so happy. I just don't know how to make him see that. I have prayed all day for God to send my husband some hope, and strength. Is there anyone out there who has experience giving their husbands the support they need?
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Re: How to help my husband as we get closer to the due date?
What is he doing right now to find work? I am gathering he is spending a lot of time with his brother, helping him, but not getting paid for it. I would think he should either talk to his brother about hiring him on or look for work instead of helping him. Even if he has to re-apply, call, or do internet searches for jobs that should be his priority right now.
While yes, things are in God's timing and He wouldnt give you more than you can handle, you still need to be proactive in your situation. Sitting around and waiting for things to get better is obviously doing no one any good.
As far as getting him out of this slump, its a hard call. He is a man and I am sure feels like he needs to provide for his family. Right now he cant do that. I am sure the conversation got very dark when he was asking what a persons breaking point is and why they would commit suicide. You need to remind him (in a loving way) that he has a child that is going to love him no matter what he does.
But seriously about the job thing, even if its at McDonalds, a gas station, Burger King... whatever, he needs to apply. Its not the most glamorous thing but you should be doing what you have to for your family. We you working up until this point?
When I was pg with my first MH lost his job. I had left my job in December because they wouldn't work with me when I needed hospitalized for dehydration from morning sickness (twice) and we could afford for me to SAH. Then DH lost his job the first of February. He didn't start his new job until Mid-may. He applied at least to 40 places a day (we didn't care where we ended up) and had several interviews that dead ended. Gratefully my parents offered us a place to stay and we had a decent amount in savings, so we made it, but DH got really depressed with things during that time. I could only imagine if his unemployment lasted as long as your H's. I had looked and interviewed as well, but I was already beginning to show and no one wanted to hire the pregnant lady.
Just be as supportive as you can. That is all I was able to do. TBH I didn't know if our marriage would survive, and we had been together for 6 years at the time (married less than 1).
Encourage him to get with a local temp agency and your local unemployment office. Get the assistance that you qualify for (even though we lived with my parents we qualified for food stamps because we bought our own groceries). There are many options available to you, just keep exhausting your avenues.
Dx: balanced translocation and LPD
TTC since Oct 2011
BPF 02/19/12, EDD 10/31/12, natural m/c 02/28/12 (4w6d)
IVF (BCPs starting 10/30/12, ER 11/18/12, 5dt of 1 beautiful, healthy embryo 11/23/12)
BFP 12/02/12, u/s @ 6w,5d showed 2 HBs! Identical twins!!
Bed rest from 21w-35w due to short cervix, hospital bed rest from 23w-32w due to PTL
Our rainbows were born 07/19/13 (36w, 5d)
This 100%
I can't imagine also having a baby on the way also though. The only thing I can say about that is sometimes men they don't grasp it like we do. We feel our LO kicking inside us and we know he/she is real. Sometimes for the men, it takes having the baby, and getting past that first week of excitement, for reality to set it. They have to physically be able to hold your LO for that light bulb to come on and be like "OMG I have to provide for a baby now, what do I do?" I am struggling with a little bit of that right now, it hit me that being out on maternity leave, I am going to make less then half of what I made and how are we going to cover all of our bills. Im adding up costs, looking at our savings and having a mini meltdown over it. DH seems to think we will be fine. But I bet when she gets here, he will finally have his mini meltdown and see what I have been worrying about. Good luck to you
Me (32) DH (33)
Surprise BFP 2-7-2013
Thoughts and prayers to your family that your husband is able to find a job and that things start to turn around for you. Good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy.
100% agree with this.
As many have posted, he has to be actively seeking a job, very rarely do jobs come up on their own.
As for the depression, that's very hard to deal with and I hope you both find happiness soon. It's got to be very stressful to hear your husband speak about suicide, even if it's reference to understanding his cousin's.
Encourage him to go out and seek help for a job, or help look for something for him if he is interested.
He may have just been speculating or talking to talk, but really that would bother me that he is mentioning any kind of suicidal thoughts or even mentioning it. That means its crossed his mind and he is seeing what your reaction is, I would guess. Does he have a history of depression? Can you ask him directly if he has considered suicide?
Also, your H needs to stop working for his brother if he doesn't get paid. That is not what needs to be happening right now. He needs to get gainful employment that guarantees a paycheck. Now is not the time to be effing around with regards to money. Especially if y'all can't afford gas money, how are you going to afford diapers etc. ? Are you on any kind of public assistance? If not, go ahead and apply for it ASAP. You are going to need all kinds of help and its unfair of you to rely on family to supply you with that help.
Having faith is great, but not if that is all you've got and there is no leg work to make things actually happen. So, he needs to stop hanging out with his brother and go flip burgers. Even a job at starbucks will rake in the dough plus tips. Bar tending. You name it and all of it is more reliable than dealing with this BS.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
Several months after our engagement, DH lost his job. He turned into a serious hermit. He would stay in the finished basement nonstop playing video games, drinking, and smoking cigarettes. He would even sleep down there while I was living life upstairs. There was no natural light down there either! He would act like he was applying for jobs, but instead just sat there or applied for jobs that were above his qualifications. I couldn't take it anymore and just snapped after a month of this. I persuaded him to get a job delivering pizza to get him out of the house. Although it wasn't comparable to his previous place of employment, it got him out of his depression. He had so much pride in delivering pizza (which I found hilarious but always supported him).
Eventually he got a little too comfortable delivering pizzas. Meanwhile I was working two jobs to keep the house afloat. At that point, I had to have another intervention for him to get a "real" job. We had a huge blowout, but the end result was amazing. Now he makes more money than me and is on the right track toward a promotion.
All you can really do in that situation is be supportive, but put your foot down when necessary. You can always make arrangements for him to stay home with the baby while you work if he is in a field that is difficult to find a job in. Also, I would suggest offering to help him apply for jobs to ease the burden. Either help him write a resume or have him give you his and send it out to places. I know it isn't the ideal, but it may ease the stress he is experiencing.
Scheduled IVF for April 2013--SURPRISE, don't need it! DD Born 9/7/13
Ectopic pregnancy Sep/Oct 2014 ended in surgery, and many trips to the ER
Miracle #3: EDD 11/28/16
I have to respond to this. I agree that men work through things differently than women do and that getting a job to just pay the bills can be emasculating. HOWEVER, being a "supportive wife" doesn't mean allowing him to sit around until he finds something that won't make him feel badly. I say this with experience.. if OP is struggling and her husband isn't attempting to make it happen, it isn't good for her own wellbeing, LO's well being or even her husband's. I'm sure he is more than qualified to do something besides flipping burgers (as was your husband), but with a child on the way, the best thing for all parties involved is to A) Get over your own pride and get a job and
Get some counseling to help you deal with this.
I don't respond to this with the intention of being mean. I've been there- my husband lost his job and was unemployed for an entire year and it took a serious toll on our marriage. During that time, I was graduating from grad school and working my arse off as a newby in my field. I resented that he sat at home and I repeatedly questioned if he was actually applying to things or not. Eventually, he realized he was super depressed and owned up to needing some help. Once he recognized his own depression, it was easier for him to say "OK, I hate this, but I need to do what I need to do until a better opportunity comes along."
Just my two cents.
PPS have pretty much said it all.
Here is a little story: Everyday a man prays that he will win the lottery. After years of prayer, he asks god why he never answered. God responds "I can't help you out if you don't buy a ticket." You and DH need to buy that ticket.
If you are struggling to come up with gas money, he needs to get a job now! Then he should still continue to seek employment that is in his field. One thing you said that bothers me "when I'm cleared for work, I will get a job". Well DH is cleared now, he needs to take that same attitude.
BFP #1 mm/c at 12w1d
Thank you everyone who applied, it gave me the support I needed to talk to my husband and make sure he was ok. He has been applying to every place he can since he lost his job, and has even been to interviews but none called him back. His brother knows the guy who owns our local burger king and the guy said that he would hire my husband as soon as he finds his lost application. Also I have been applying in his name online to jobs I think would hire him. Its hard because he never graduated highschool so his options are limited. One place did hire him but the start day was pushed back months, and they just called him today to tell him they are starting on the 22nd of this month finally and it is a job that would be bringing in really good money so our situtation is looking up. Thank you for all the advice and prayers, we really are taking a proactive approach to finding him a job but the prayers help emotionally. My husband doesnt want to tell his brother that he cant help simply because he loves his brother so much, but he has started to let him know that he needs a real job, so his brother is using all of his professional contacts to help find him one like with the burger king store owner. I still dont know how to talk to him about the suicidal thoughts but I think I will try tonight to see if he was just mentioning it or if he really meant it.
Thanks for all the advice again, we are in our early 20s and just starting out. It helps to have a network to ask advice from. We have been together for four years but I still have no clue when it comes to him sometimes, and I susupect that will never go away and I will always be clueless about some situations.
BFP #1 mm/c at 12w1d
All of this. Word for word. Also, missing your doctor's appointments at this point should not be an option. Ever.