S/O from previous post: raising children

CFjo2010 · July 2013

On my previous post, a member stated that the Skids and BM have told her it's not her responsibility to raise the Skids. I'm curious how that works. I'm not being snarky, I'm actually curious because BM has said this to me as well, and I'm perplexed as to how I can't be a part of raising K. She's in my home, the house rules are set and I try to set a good example for her. If she's rude to me or anyone else in the house I'm going to correct her, just as I would correct my own children or niece or nephew. If inappropriate language is used, I'm going to correct her just as I would correct another child.

I'd like to hear some other input as to how feasible it really is to tell a SP that they aren't to help raise the child. I'm not talking about disciplining Skids. I'm asking about normal things that I feel are part of daily life: doing chores, demonstrating good manners and politeness, etc.

whse13kittens · July 2013

I don't have an answer for you but I'd be interested in hearing what others have to say as well. SO's sister said something to the effect of 'not being able to believe that you are allowed to raise the boys'. Uh...okay?

RichardandYaya · July 2013

Well, this is what DH and I have decided:

When kids are rude and disrespectful, I tell them it's not appropriate. (This is a form of discipline, but it's the farthest I'll go.)

If they continue, I will as a second time. If it continues, I'll simply let it lie until he's available.

If the kids are fighting I am to separate them, and then tell him when he's available.

One child has very specific rules about TV, video games, ipod time, etc. When DH isn't there, I am to point to the rule on the fridge. If he disregards my direction, I tell DH when he's available.

We've tried the connected, equal partnership when it comes to raising the children. After years of trying to be a stepparent, I will essentially be a babysitter. It's sad.

cole2144 · July 2013

IMO that statement is wrong. My husband and I are a team, and we parent that way. The way our family works is that we hold all the children in our home to the same set of standards. SD is treated no differently than my son. I definitely feel it is my responsibility to help raise SD into the best person she can be.

CFjo2010 · July 2013

RichardandYaya:
Well, this is what DH and I have decided:
When kids are rude and disrespectful, I tell them it's not appropriate. (This is a form of discipline, but it's the farthest I'll go.)
If they continue, I will as a second time. If it continues, I'll simply let it lie until he's available.
If the kids are fighting I am to separate them, and then tell him when he's available.
One child has very specific rules about TV, video games, ipod time, etc. When DH isn't there, I am to point to the rule on the fridge. If he disregards my direction, I tell DH when he's available.
We've tried the connected, equal partnership when it comes to raising the children. After years of trying to be a stepparent, I will essentially be a babysitter. It's sad.

I guess maybe that's where I'm baffled. I don't view correcting children when they're rude or disrespectful or using inappropriate language as discipline, I look at it as just something you do when kids act that way. When I volunteer in the girls' classrooms I do the same type of thing and it's never been an issue. For me, regardless of whose child it is, I won't tolerate rudeness or offensive language. Even when my son has had friends over I correct them if I don't like their language and if their parent got upset with me for it, too bad. This is my house and my rules. If you come into my house you are expected to follow those rules, whether you're my child, K, a friend of the kids' or a niece and nephew. Again, not trying to be snarky. Just really baffled at that dynamic.

I'm sorry you're being treated that way in your home. That is no way to live and I hope things get better.

RichardandYaya · July 2013

Oh, I believe it's my responsibility. Unfortunately I've been told that it's not working. I'm not supposed to mother them. I'm not supposed to follow through with any discipline beyond telling them, "We don't do that here..." or, "in this house, this is what is expected." If they choose not to follow, I am not supposed to take it further.

RichardandYaya · July 2013

It's the solution that DH and I have come up with based on what BM and Skids have said. There's just a blatant disregard for my authority as an adult. Sadly, it keeps me out of raising the children.

cole2144 · July 2013

Spooko:
RichardandYaya:
Oh, I believe it's my responsibility. Unfortunately I've been told that it's not working. I'm not supposed to mother them. I'm not supposed to follow through with any discipline beyond telling them, "We don't do that here..." or, "in this house, this is what is expected." If they choose not to follow, I am not supposed to take it further.
Says who? Your DH? Or the BM?

Yeah, this. I won`t tolerate disrespect from any child in my home, anyone who does not like that can go kick rocks. My DH and I are on the same page and he will not tolerate SD being disrespectful to any adult.

cole2144 · July 2013

RichardandYaya:
It's the solution that DH and I have come up with based on what BM and Skids have said. There's just a blatant disregard for my authority as an adult. Sadly, it keeps me out of raising the children.

Well there is your problem because BM does not dictate any rules for my home, no matter if she wants to or not and I certainly take no parenting directions from a child.

dmndsr4eva · July 2013

RichardandYaya:
It's the solution that DH and I have come up with based on what BM and Skids have said. There's just a blatant disregard for my authority as an adult. Sadly, it keeps me out of raising the children.

I think there is a fine line. The if both bio parents are involved I think they would get to make major decesions such as where the child goes to school, medical decesion, etc.

However in the day to day things it sounds like you have a DH problem. He needs to teach his kids that you are a figure of authority when they are at your house and that they will treat you with respect. That is the same problem I had with my ex. He would not stand up to his kids or disipline them for a variety of reasons including because he felt guilty over not being able to be with them more than a handful of days a month.

AlwaysForgetful · July 2013

We are partners here. When we moved in together, there was the talk about what I expected and how we parented and how to handle the Eldest who is the only one to really half way remember his father in the house. I do expect him to punish the kids and not wait for me to even before our daughter was born, we discussed schooling options, therapy options (Eldest is autistic) and so on. Our finances are combined (I work very, very part time now) and what effects one of us effects us all. My kids are also younger and their biological father is not around a lot.

I do want to say that I do try and discuss that with their father I normally get the "You know what's best" answer. If their father was around more maybe it would be different, but I can't say. I guess I can't see my SO/DH not taking on an active parenting roll.

MommyEllenSue · July 2013

BM has said that here too. But honestly DH and I don't care. I take care of them more than she does and she does not have any say in what happens at our house. They are DH's children and mine also. She wants me to love them and treat them like my own but not have them return the favor. Oh well, tough luck BM.

coopsbaby · July 2013

My situation is a little different than most here since dh didn't come into the picture until my kids were 19, 16 and 13, and he has no kids of his own. He had absolutely no clue on how to parent teenagers, and basically what works for us is that I set the rules and he has the right to enforce them, including punishments as appropriate. Of course we do adapt the rules when dh wants input, but the kids see them as coming directly from me. It kind of cuts out the resentment towards him, at least in our case. Of course, they are required to be respectful and listen to him, just like any other adult in our house. If they wouldn't speak to a grandparent or teacher rudely then there's no reason to talk to a stepfather that way. If the kids were littler, or if he had kids too it would need to be more of a joint effort I think.

coopsbaby · July 2013

Spooko:
coopsbaby:
My situation is a little different than most here since dh didn't come into the picture until my kids were 19, 16 and 13, and he has no kids of his own. He had absolutely no clue on how to parent teenagers, and basically what works for us is that I set the rules and he has the right to enforce them, including punishments as appropriate. Of course we do adapt the rules when dh wants input, but the kids see them as coming directly from me. It kind of cuts out the resentment towards him, at least in our case. Of course, they are required to be respectful and listen to him, just like any other adult in our house. If they wouldn't speak to a grandparent or teacher rudely then there's no reason to talk to a stepfather that way. If the kids were littler, or if he had kids too it would need to be more of a joint effort I think.
The bolded is so key, though. PP was saying she doesn't even do that. I don't know how that could work. The consequences would be so delayed, if they even get brought up at that point, that IDK how it would even matter. How do you not have any authority in your own home, kwim?!

Oh I absolutely agree. There is no way you shouldn't at least be able to enforce. I mean even babysitters get to enforce the rules!

Littlejen22 · July 2013

I think this is one of those things where we as a board are hypocritical. For the most part we think the SM should have a huge say but then when we are talking about the fathers wife we say she needs to know her place and that she is not Mom. I can only imagine that if DH and I split up I would fully think that a woman who came into his live is there to help care for my kids when they were with their father but I cannot imagine ever thinking she should be parenting my kid. That is different than thinking kids should not have to respect a step parent. I think kids should respect all people not just adults until those people give the kid a reason not to respect someone. And I expect my kids to listen to anyone whose house they are in but that would not make a new wife their parent.

I only became a parent to my SD because her Mom bailed. I was not a parent simply because I married her father.

Ginlyn0 · July 2013

I have to wonder what age the kids are. From the post where she mentions things the kids said, it didn't seem like they were teenagers and trying to see if there was any prior background, I see this poster is pregnant with twins from a post on another board.

How is your household going to work with kids with different expectations? I see big problems coming your way and resentment big time. If you are essentially checked out already, this is not going to end well.

Ginlyn0 · July 2013

Littlejen22:
I think this is one of those things where we as a board are hypocritical. For the most part we think the SM should have a huge say but then when we are talking about the fathers wife we say she needs to know her place and that she is not Mom. I can only imagine that if DH and I split up I would fully think that a woman who came into his live is there to help care for my kids when they were with their father but I cannot imagine ever thinking she should be parenting my kid. That is different than thinking kids should not have to respect a step parent. I think kids should respect all people not just adults until those people give the kid a reason not to respect someone. And I expect my kids to listen to anyone whose house they are in but that would not make a new wife their parent. I only became a parent to my SD because her Mom bailed. I was not a parent simply because I married her father.

I have equal say in my household in all things. It is my house, after all. I don't think I have any say (other than to voice my opinions to DH) regarding major decisions (medical, school) for my SKs. I fully expect SM to have say in her household and household rules and to "parent" DD in her home.

This pretty much sums up the parenting debate to me:

"Parenting (or child rearing) is the process of promoting and supporting the physical, emotional, social, and intellectual development of a child from infancy to adulthood. Parenting refers to the aspects of raising a child aside from the biological relationship."

This is from wikipedia but this is exactly how I would define it myself. I definitely parented my nephew while he was in my house even though he had both biological parents living at that point. I would think it were a disservice to my DD if her SM did not parent her. The same goes to DH with DD or myself with my SKs.

Lavender P · July 2013

I see this as very similar to situations where someone says "just wait until your father gets home." You are essentially telling the kids that you have no authority and no power to make them do anything and it is someone else's job to make them.

I would never physically discipline my SS. I would probably never raise my voice to him either. However, I would definitely tell him that he needs to go do whatever he was told to or there will be consequences and say what they are. In our case, SS's SF has spanked him and punishes him however he sees fit, even though my DH is actively involved in his life. BM can complain until she is blue in the face, but she can't have her cake and eat it too. Even if this wasn't the case, I refuse for my DS to grow up in a house where I'm disrespected or have no power as a parent. My DH has made it clear to SS that whatever I tell him to do will fully be supported. SS has tried testing it a few times, and each time DH said that whatever I say goes. However, in these instances I was fair with SS. I told him he had to eat dinner while we were at a party and he was mad at me because his friend's parent's didn't make them. He threw a huge fit and cried saying I was mean and was making him eat when no one else had to. DH made him sit even longer to finish eating and sent him to time out after for being disrespectful. if DH had disagreed with me, we would've discussed it privately. We handle all issues with SS the same as if we were dealing with our DS. Now if there is an issue with BM, that is completely up to DH to handle and has nothing to do with me.

whse13kittens · July 2013

SO handles any and all major discipline problems in our house, but I'm not above reminding the boys that there are rules and they need to follow them. And I expect (and am slowly learning how to enforce) that they will listen to me when I tell them these things and do as I say because I am an adult. Now, 98% of the rules were things that SO "made up", so maybe that makes it easier, but other than some respect issues, we've had very little issue with the kids listening to my "authority".

Again, though, I expect, and SO does, make 98% of the "parental" decisions in the house for the kids. If/when we would ever have kids of our [my] own, it would be more of a joint effort between the two of us. But the boys are teens/tweens and are really above me trying to be more than an adult/semi-friend to them. I think it helps that their mom is still very much a part of their lives, and is a very good mom. She and SO have a great co-parent relationship, which makes EVERYTHING easier, IMHO.

Littlejen22 · July 2013

Gin I do think age plays a huge told in how you deal with a kid because my SD was 11 when I met her and 12 when she moved in with us...that was 1 and a half years later. And she was 17 when DS was born so I did not worry about double standards. I do think part of it is in the definition though. I think every adult gets to enforce rules in their house. I just don't think. That there is some automatic becoming Mom that you hear sometimes in here and I know you agree with that.

MrsHetzel · July 2013

I don't know how anyone can possibly expect a SP not to parent their step child. And I'm not just talking about making them dinner, driving them to school, and yes disciplining them. But even the bigger picture. My SD is "Italian by association" now we call it because in the past 5 years, on our weekends DH and I bring her to Sunday dinner at my families house. She used to think this was weird. 5 years later her first question is "are we going to sunday dinner?" I consider that part of "parenting" her in that I and my family have welcomed her into our family with open arms and she's now included in our tradition. Should I tell my mother no don't consider or treat her like your granddaughter just because I can't legally weigh in on what school she goes to? DH and BM make that decision, yes, but I don't know any good husband who would make a decision about his child's school without consulting his wife for her opinion, and a woman with her husband even if those respective partners aren't the child's biological parent. Saying a step parent can't/shouldn't parent a child just makes no sense at all.

2chatter · July 2013

I am only peripherally involved with raising skids. I advise DH, and most times he chooses to ignore my advice. It's not the situation we discussed in counseling before we got married, what we discussed with our BF therapist or what either of us planned. But it is what it is. DH has dealt with BM for 19 years and he is just done. He takes the path of least resistance. He doesn't enforce rules or consequences. I cannot stand it. So our middle ground is - he does what he does, and makes sure that when he does these things, that all the kids understand that skids "are making bad choices". He absolutely parents the three children who live here full time. And I will say that I do dole out advice in the way that an aunt might. "You might stop to check the tire pressure quickly, that looks low, let me go get my gauge." or "If you have a math test tomorrow, maybe close down the xbox and study for an hour, can I get you a snack while you do?"

It was still a blow to me when I tried to explain to DH that SS not showing up to his own grad party or only planning to pop in for a couple of hours was rude, and reflected on me. He said no one in his family considers his kids as any reflection on me, as they can see the three kids who live in our home and the two who do not and they are total opposites. No one would doubt that I had nothing to do with SS' behaviour and they would blame DH. That made me so sad on a few levels; but mostly because DH thinks his family think so poorly of him for accidentally knocking up BM, marrying her then not being able to parent with her.

Want a personalized experience?

S/O from previous post: raising children

Re: S/O from previous post: raising children

Choose Another Board

Search Boards