I just have to grin and bear it, right?

adoxyinherear · July 2013

Mobile: I just have to grin and bear it, right?

How do you handle when people want to give your child things you don't want them to have? I figured I could escape the "princess" stuff until DD was a toddler, at least (it's just not for us), but SIL wants to get DD an embroidered crown for her birthday. I tried to dissuade her in a friendly/funny way, but I'm not sure she'll get the point, or if I really have any business telling people what they can get DD for her birthday.

At the same time, I feel like if I don't make it clear now the kinds of messages we want in DD's life, I'm going to have a lot more problems later (when I can't discreetly hide gifts). Honestly, I don't know how anyone close to us could not know that DH and I would have a problem with this.

Do I just have to suck it up? Should I just pick this battle later?

adoxyinherear · July 2013

I feel like princess culture can be damaging. There's a lot of stuff out there that I'm not going to dig through and link to because I don't feel like my opinion has to be everybody else's; it's just not something I'm comfortable with. I honestly do not feel like it's my business to tell other people what to do with their children, nor do I feel like people are any less awesome moms and dads if their child dresses up like a princess every day for preschool. Every family is different, and I really respect that. It was not my intention at all to introduce any kind of conflict on that score, and I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable.

If DD wants to make choices about these toys when she can (and she is definitely already making choices, mostly that she likes books), then that's not something I'm going to keep from her. Right now I feel like I am in a position to be clear about the kinds of encouragement we'd like to provide for her (like a more age-appropriate toy for a one-year old, for instance). Children spend pretty much all of their time at play and that's how they learn.

hopefulmom81 · July 2013

RusalkaSings:
I feel like princess culture can be damaging. There's a lot of stuff out there that I'm not going to dig through and link to because I don't feel like my opinion has to be everybody else's; it's just not something I'm comfortable with. I honestly do not feel like it's my business to tell other people what to do with their children, nor do I feel like people are any less awesome moms and dads if their child dresses up like a princess every day for preschool. Every family is different, and I really respect that. It was not my intention at all to introduce any kind of conflict on that score, and I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable.
If DD wants to make choices about these toys when she can (and she is definitely already making choices, mostly that she likes books), then that's not something I'm going to keep from her. Right now I feel like I am in a position to be clear about the kinds of encouragement we'd like to provide for her (like a more age-appropriate toy for a one-year old, for instance). Children spend pretty much all of their time at play and that's how they learn.

I share your opinion.

What I have done is be pretty vocal with close family (MIL, FIL, SIL, parents, etc) on how we love non-gendered learning toys and books when the holidays or birthdays approach. I try to remind them BEFORE the event occurs. I was very direct with my own parents and allude to it with the ILs.

I think if your SIL gets a crown even though you tried joking her out of it (I would have done the same thing), unfortunately, you just grin and bear it. It would be rude to not graciously accept something that someone has made for your child, even if it is not your style.

I would just treat it like an outfit that is not your style that would be given to DD. You put it in the closet and pull it out once or twice when the person is visiting.

I understand that this goes beyond just not being your style, but I would treat it like that. Anything else would sound like you are pontificating or putting your view on them and making them feel bad (even if this is not your intent, people are weird about stuff like this). Especially AFTER the gift has already been discussed, possibly purchased.

Edit: I say "non-gendered learning toys" because it knocks the princess stuff out of the running as well.

orangegoggles · July 2013

I think you do have to grin and bear it for this one as she didn't really get your message and arguing the influence of a crown on a one year old might be a tough one. A crown doesn't personally bother me but something like Barbies, toy guns or the bratz dolls would make my skin crawl. I would however start becoming more vocal about your wishes but no, you can't tell someone what to purchase your daughter. You can return it though

Can't believe she'll be 1 soon!!

JulyMomma2U2 · July 2013

Have you read Cinderella ate my daughter?? I only read bits and pieces, but I am right there with you on this.. my colleague recommended the book to me before I found out DS was a boy (and, DS 2 also).. we talk about this all the time.. she has a 4 year old son and a 2 year old daughter..

I think this is a tough call.. I'm can be kind of b*tchy when people blatantly disregard something I've asked them.. but, I also agree with you.. it's wrong to tell someone how they can spend their money on your child.. idk though.. I would probably say something just so that there are clear boundaries for the future.. but, maybe don't direct it around the crown, per se? Perhaps just have a general conversation with her.. almost like you're venting or ranting about society and gender roles.. and let your opinion be known that way.. they, it's up to her to either interpret your message and apply it, or disregard what you've said..

I'm not going to lie.. I was a little sad when we found out DS2 was a boy.. I would have loved a daughter.. but, the more I've thought about it.. I'm so glad I'm not having a daughter.. I would be dealing with this SO much because there are no grand daughters/great grand daughters yet.. so everyone would go on complete overload!!

adoxyinherear · July 2013

Thanks everyone for your input. I've decided not to say anything to her directly, because she's very sensitive and I know she's well-intentioned. I wrote a blog about how anxious I get about girl stuff and I'm planning to share it on my Facebook in the next couple of days... it's something I've been meaning to write for months anyway. Honestly, I don't feel like she'll connect the dots, because this stuff is really just entrenched in our culture and viewed as mostly harmless (and with the right kind of guidance from parents, it can be). But I have to try! And I like the idea of just being even more vocal going forward (I feel like I have been, and that she hasn't figured it out yet is kind of surprising).

melly918 · July 2013

I will probably just accept the crown since she will outgrow it really fast and not remember it. You can bring up in conversation at some point that you aren't into the princess thing right now and hopefully she gets the hint. I do feel your pain. My in laws do not listen to my wishes about buying stuff for DS, I shudder to think what they will do with DD. That's a whole new post.

hopefulmom81 · July 2013

JulyMomma2U2:
Have you read Cinderella ate my daughter?? I only read bits and pieces, but I am right there with you on this.. my colleague recommended the book to me before I found out DS was a boy (and, DS 2 also).. we talk about this all the time.. she has a 4 year old son and a 2 year old daughter..
I think this is a tough call.. I'm can be kind of b*tchy when people blatantly disregard something I've asked them.. but, I also agree with you.. it's wrong to tell someone how they can spend their money on your child.. idk though.. I would probably say something just so that there are clear boundaries for the future.. but, maybe don't direct it around the crown, per se? Perhaps just have a general conversation with her.. almost like you're venting or ranting about society and gender roles.. and let your opinion be known that way.. they, it's up to her to either interpret your message and apply it, or disregard what you've said..
I'm not going to lie.. I was a little sad when we found out DS2 was a boy.. I would have loved a daughter.. but, the more I've thought about it.. I'm so glad I'm not having a daughter.. I would be dealing with this SO much because there are no grand daughters/great grand daughters yet.. so everyone would go on complete overload!!

Princess Recovery is another good read.

MJM3108 · July 2013

When I was PG with our angel, Grace, I was very concerned about the whole princess overload thing... I was a total tomboy growing up, never ever played with Barbies, etc. Hated pretty much all girly toys. I didn't want her to be pressured by society to be a princess/ Barbie.

Now that we have DS, I am honestly so grateful he is a boy. Although he may want to play with dolls, which I am okay with. Basically I just don't want there to be pressure one way or the other. I cringe when I walk through the toy section at Target, with their blue aisles for "boy" toys and their pink aisles for "girl" toys.

I am with PP who have voiced a preference for "gender neutral" toys, etc.

I would graciously accept the crown, then put it away in the closet, that is until SIL comes to visit....

bmv1980 · July 2013

Thank you for bringing this up. I really haven't thought much about this until recently. There was an article floating around on FB about how our children develop self esteem based on how we talk about ourselves. I understand also that praising them for superficial attributes is kind occasionally, there are deeper qualities that should go noticed and complimented more often. This is definitely something to really consider, and while princess items may not be the only issue, we really should encourage our friends and family to place more value on intelligence and athleticism, rather than just being pretty. I don't think that anyone really looks that closely at the ultimate message they may convey when gifting an item like that though

LoveOfMikesLife · July 2013

I think a crown for her birthday is WAY different than "princess" stuff. I'd let the crown slide but make it well known that princess, diva, spoiled stuff isn't your style.

My way (I think ) would be AFTER all the gifts are opened (AFTER being the key) if there is none of those things, rather loudly comment on how happy you are that you didn't receive any thing to "further boost DD ego"

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