Anyone have Bad Grandparents for your LO
clstoblg
member
Lurker here desperate to vent - Sorry I need some advice and am really embarassed to talk to most of my IRL friends about this and the ones I have talked to side with me but I wanted an unbiased opinion.
My DH comes from a split family and ever since we had our son we can't seem to get along with his mom's side of the family. He is close with his brothers and civil with his sister and there is a lot of back story to all this but i will try to condense to the main issue.
Pretty much it boils down to she makes no effort to see our DS but makes limitless effort to see her other 5 grandchildren. We have done a lot over the past year to make it a point that our son sees her. However every time we visit my DH gets in a fight with MIL and I feel that it is a terrible environment for our DS. The last time we saw her I said I will not be visiting anymore with them fighting. Pretty much that has left my MIL or DH to make a move and niether of them will.
My MIL won't call, make plans with us, make any effort at all. I am exhausted with trying to make it work. Most of our communication with her was sadly through facebook. She is constantly posting about how great her other children are (DH's brothers and sisters) and how wonderful their spouses are. I couldn't take it anymore so I blocked her and so did DH.
I thought this would solve the problem but it is still eating at me. I am sad for my DS that at this point it looks as though he will never have a relationship with his grandmother. How do I explain this to him one day? Do i pretend she doesn't exist? I could never tell him that it seems the reality is that she doesn't love my DH or DS as much as her other children/grandchildren.
On a good note he has a completely normal relationship with my side of the family and DH's dad. Should I continue to waste energy on this or just be happy with those who want to be in our lives?
Re: Anyone have Bad Grandparents for your LO
Thanks everyone for the suggestions! I am glad to know this isn't THAT abnormal. I just can't ever imagine treating a child or grandchild differently than another.
I doubt my husband will attempt to resolve as he doesn't want to make the first step. I am not sure how she would treat DS without DH around but I am not really willing to try. It would cause an argument that I am not willing to have between DH and I.
I think I will just wait it out and see if she makes an effort.
But like some of the other ladies have said, no relationship is better than a bad one. Sometimes we have to let people leave our lives when they are unwilling to act as they should.
My LO's have awful grandparents. My DH and I both come from split families. FIL passed away when DH was 18. MIL lives in CA (we are in PA). MIL has seen my DD (who is almost 3) 1 time at 11 months. She has NEVER met DS. She doesn't even mention him when she texts me here and there about her "granddaughter." She forgets about DS a lot. Plus, she was supposed to come this summer to meet him and now she magically can't. She tells us (via text message) a lot that she is disappointed that we never call or text her, but she hasn't called us in over 6 months. My children literally have no idea who she is. It's sad.
My parents are also divorced. My mom is very active in my kids' lives. My dad, who lives 5 minutes away, sees them maybe once every 2 months. Here and there. My kids don't like him, and I don't care if they have a relationship with him. He's not really a nice man, and I have no relationship with him. He has no need or want to see my kids. It's really, really sad.
This all used to bother me, and sometimes the whole MIL not ever meeting DS yet still bothers me, but I've learned to just accept it. I've given up on my dad, and honestly it's made me feel 100% better. Of course I still WISH he would WANT to be there for his grandkids (and heck, his daughter too), and I still wish MIL would WANT to come visit her grandkids, but the simple fact is they just don't. I don't know why and I'm done trying to beg people to love my kids. They have my mom, and I have to be ok with that.
(((hugs))). Do what makes you and your family happy! It sucks when people don't feel what they are supposed to or don't want to spend time with your kids. It hurts worse than them not wanting to spend time with you.
Thanks for the comfort in knowing I am not alone. It is very hard for me to comprehend especially when she treats the other grandchildren so much different. I think it is best for us to just ignore her and I can try my best not to think about it.
I wouldn't waste my time or energy trying to include someone that has no interest in being involved. It sounds bad but I kind of wish my ILs would just drop out of the picture. They are so self-involved and have zero insight into how their behavior affects others. They refuse to listen to anything I tell them about H and insist on doing what they want because it makes them happy even though what they are trying to do with her often makes her unhappy or upset.
I didn't have a good relationship with my father's parents but I had a great relationship with my mother's. When I was growing up I just knew that they were different types of people and we had different relationships and that was ok with me. As long as your LO has people in their lives that show them love and attention they won't think they missed out just because one person wasn't as involved as she should have been. I would just make sure to protect you LO from the knowledge that she treats the other grandchildren differently.