What happens to your LO if you die?

CotterpinDoozer · July 2013

DH and I keep having this discussion b/c we cannot find an answer we are both 100% happy with, and I'm beginning to panic about traveling with DH without LO.

So - if both you and your DH/SO/baby's father die - what happens to your LO?

Sept07b2b · July 2013

This was actually somewhat easy for us. I know a lot of couples struggle with this, but I have a brother who is 2.5 years older than I am who I trust more than life itself. He's a pediatrician, married to a wonderful woman and knows my children pretty well. DH's siblings are all a little older. Also we didn't want to go with our parents due to their ages.

michelle7482 · July 2013

We have a notorized letter signed by DH and I saying she and all future kids go to my parents. We don't have an official will though.

MollySm · July 2013

We need to get on the writing of this, but for us it's an easy decision. My sister (who is not quite 2 years older than me) lives in a big house in Maine with her H and their 2 kids. She's a family doctor who only works 3/4 time, he's mostly a stay at home dad, though in the summers he's a kayak instructor. I wouldn't say they are exactly like us, but they have similar parenting styles to ours, and are financially capable of taking on extra.

We need to get it in writing because we know it's by far the best choice, and we don't want anyone else contesting it.

Starbuck - you could choose a Bump mom Better than a stranger I'd say, and you already know so much about everyone's parenting styles!

mle5d · July 2013

We need to get this in writing, but DS would likely go to one of our siblings. My sister is married with one child on the way, and she is DS's godmother, and lives in the same city as my parents. But DH also has three siblings, one who is married with 2 kids, and the other two who are single, and they all adore DS, and would care for him like their own. I would also trust either set of parents if necessary, but neither of us want that on our parents who are partially or fully retired.

kittyh8r · July 2013

I just brought this up on fb, we told my perfectSIL and BIL that they would be getting Emma and any other children we have. Since living near them and seeing them all the time, we have changed our minds. They believe it's okay to forward face their 9 month old son, but will judge the life out of you if you formula feed your child. If Emma is anything like me, she would grow up feeling self conscious in their house. She would be very out of place.

H works with a guy who he grew up with, we love him and his wife. They have like 6 other couples who have asked for them to be their children's guardian if anything were to happen to them. H is actually going to be talking to him while they're on a trip this week.

They would still allow Emma to see family, since they're already basically part of the family.

We're going to be getting a life insurance policy and then seeing a lawyer very soon.

Jeanine88 · July 2013

We are the oldest in both of our families, so for now, if anything happens, Austin will go to my parents. My parents are younger and know him best- my ILs live in a retirement community in FL and their lifestyle is just not conducive to any children. Once our siblings are married and have families of their own, we will change this to probably my brother if he marries his GF because we love her so much and know she would be great with kids (not that my brother wouldn't be, but his GF is pretty awesome). My BIL and SIL are just really immature and I'm not sure when they would be able to handle the responsibility of a child, which is fine by us.

danac2010 · July 2013

My sister and BIL are the Godparents. They both love Caroline like their own. I joke with my sister that she is slightly obsessed with her even. Caroline loves them. They wouldn't be able to finanically support them without getting the life insurance from our policies. My mom is the benefactor on both of us if the other also passes and she would do right and make sure it went to Caroline and whoever has her. We need to get all this in writing since we do travel a few times a year without either kid.

jmccall79 · July 2013

If anything happens to me, period, Ian is to be taken care of by my mom. If she were not still here he would be taken by my older sister. My little sister would be a better fit (we are more alike than my older sister) but she has 2 little ones whereas my older sister's kids are older so she'd be more "available". In no way shape form or fashion is his dad to get custody. I need to get this all in writing!!!

jmccall79 · July 2013

And Starbuck, I agree with Molly...let a bumpy mom take Cody! I'll volunteer!

I just love his sweet little face!

sapphirebride06 · July 2013

We have two backup plans of course if I die H gets the boys but if we both die then my mom gets the boys. If she cannot or if she has passed away as well H's brother gets them. In the event he cannot or won't then we need to figure out another plan. Our lawyer said we can do a codicil upon that time - we always want at least two people named, so first is my mom then H's brother. If he is married at the time of our passing - especially to the girl he has been with for almost three years - she will be on the list to get them. She's an amazing person and we love her and she loves our boys. I have a sister and brother but neither of them would be on the list and neither would H's sister's.

Mar5195 · July 2013

My son absolutely goes to my Mother and Father. And we have asked her to be fair and give my IL's every other weekend visitation.

My Mom watches my son so he's most comfortable with her. Plus I come from a larger family with lots of children his age that are pretty much is only friends. He needs to be close to them and being with my ILs that wouldn't happen. He'd remain in the same town I grew up in and attend the same schools I did. And I feel that would be important for him to connect with me in these small ways. Gosh I'm tearing up just thinking about him having to live without me!

This makes me think we should probably get our Wills in order.

I think the conversation with your DH has to be about the best interest of the child vs. my family/friends are better than yours type of scenario.

sapphirebride06 · July 2013

jmccall79:
If anything happens to me, period, Ian is to be taken care of by my mom. If she were not still here he would be taken by my older sister. My little sister would be a better fit (we are more alike than my older sister) but she has 2 little ones whereas my older sister's kids are older so she'd be more "available". In no way shape form or fashion is his dad to get custody. I need to get this all in writing!!!

I don't know your back story or anything but unless your ex agrees to your sister getting custody or is unfit (and proven so) then I think legally he would get your child. That is the situation in Texas because H's cousin went through this. Her ex was an idiot but had visitation, etc. and when she was in a bad car accident, their son immediately went to the dad while the mom went to a nursing home to be cared for and recover, etc. She is not able to care for herself due to head injuries so the dad has their son. Everyone knew her issues with him and that she wanted her mom to get him in case of anything, but legally since the dad wasn't unfit (or at least wasn't proven as such) he got their son.

michelle7482 · July 2013

sapphirebride06:
jmccall79:
If anything happens to me, period, Ian is to be taken care of by my mom.  If she were not still here he would be taken by my older sister.  My little sister would be a better fit (we are more alike than my older sister) but she has 2 little ones whereas my older sister's kids are older so she'd be more "available".  In no way shape form or fashion is his dad to get custody.  I need to get this all in writing!!!
I don't know your back story or anything but unless your ex agrees to your sister getting custody or is unfit (and proven so) then I think legally he would get your child.  That is the situation in Texas because H's cousin went through this.  Her ex was an idiot but had visitation, etc. and when she was in a bad car accident, their son immediately went to the dad while the mom went to a nursing home to be cared for and recover, etc.  She is not able to care for herself due to head injuries so the dad has their son.  Everyone knew her issues with him and that she wanted her mom to get him in case of anything, but legally since the dad wasn't unfit (or at least wasn't proven as such) he got their son.

I was thinking the same thing Jmccall. I would work on getting your ex to sign a guardianship paper saying he would give up rights. It's a horrible thing to think about but it is a necessity.

sooner1981 · July 2013

michelle7482:
sapphirebride06:

jmccall79:
If anything happens to me, period, Ian is to be taken care of by my mom. If she were not still here he would be taken by my older sister. My little sister would be a better fit (we are more alike than my older sister) but she has 2 little ones whereas my older sister's kids are older so she'd be more "available". In no way shape form or fashion is his dad to get custody. I need to get this all in writing!!!

I don't know your back story or anything but unless your ex agrees to your sister getting custody or is unfit (and proven so) then I think legally he would get your child. That is the situation in Texas because H's cousin went through this. Her ex was an idiot but had visitation, etc. and when she was in a bad car accident, their son immediately went to the dad while the mom went to a nursing home to be cared for and recover, etc. She is not able to care for herself due to head injuries so the dad has their son. Everyone knew her issues with him and that she wanted her mom to get him in case of anything, but legally since the dad wasn't unfit (or at least wasn't proven as such) he got their son.

I was thinking the same thing Jmccall. I would work on getting your ex to sign a guardianship paper saying he would give up rights. It's a horrible thing to think about but it is a necessity.

Ditto what PPs have said. If anything were to happen to you and your ex hadn't already affirmatively signed away all parental rights (with a court's approval), he would absolutely be first in line to get custody--regardless of your wishes or anything that you had previously arranged. Like, he would have to be in jail at the time in order to not immediately get rights (and even then, he would probably get a "second chance" to prove himself a fit parent after being released). It is almost impossible for the state to award guardianship to a more distant relative when the bio parents are still in the picture.

pinkshades05 · July 2013

My parents would get Nat and after them, my brother and SIL. We still need to get our will notarized, though.

HattieLove · July 2013

If we died right now, Ramona would go to my parents When my sister is ready and able to take on the responsibility, Ramona would go to her. I trust my sister completely, but she's only 19 now.

jmccall79 · July 2013

Ian's dad is on his birth certificate, however, we have no legal custody arrangement. He sees him at random and iit's with me there. I think he's scared to death to be alone and be 100 percent responsible for him. He wouldn't want him, to be a full time parent, if something were to happen to me. If a home study were done by the state, I'm pretty sure there is no way they'd let him have him. But, for the sake of argument, I'm going to ask him, just to see what he says.

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