How to deal with living far away from family

akozy · July 2013

DH and I are ready to start TTC baby #1... Except for one huge thing. We live 6 hours away from my family. It is extremely painful for me to imagine having a baby almost a full day's drive away from my mother. My dad passed away 4 1/2 years ago, which has also added another layer of complexity because I feel that by living far away I'm causing another "loss" in my family. I have a lot of pain and heartache over this. This issue is something DH knew about before we were even married. He keeps telling me he's open to the idea of moving closer to my family, but then no actual plans are made to move and the issue is dropped. He would say otherwise, but I feel like sometimes he says whatever will make me feel better in the moment but really hopes I'll "get over it."

To make matters even more complicated is that his family lives 15 minutes away from us. So, moving closer to my family will move us farther away from his family. I feel extremely guilty and selfish, but I can't force myself not to feel upset about living far away from my family. Emotions aren't always rational. The more we see his family the more upset I feel because it is a constant reminder that so long as we live next to his family, my children will not be able to have equal bonding time with my family, which is really really important to me.

I would rather live in the middle - 3 hours away from each side, but there are a lot less jobs right in the middle, which is also extremely important. He is worried about being able to find a job if we were to move.

We both really want to have a baby, but I keep coming back to this issue. I feel like I can't have a baby if I don't feel settled. But what if we never move, and I never feel settled where I am? Does that mean I should never have a baby? That's pretty depressing... If we do have a baby, won't that just lock us in to our current location and make it even more impossible to move?

I know no one here can provide a solution for me. I just kind of wanted to know if there was anyone else out there that can sympathize with what I'm going through.

SpruceGrouse · July 2013

I understand how you feel. I live a whole ocean away from my family. We moved just a few weeks after I told them I was pregnant. I spent all my pregnancy and the first 2 weeks with my newborn with no family around. My mom and sister came to visit for a few weeks which was great.

It is tough at times, the roughest was the first 2 weeks after DS was born when I just wanted my mom around. I didn't get a baby shower but family made a donation to DS's education fund which made me quite emotionally thankful.

What helps is Skype. We Skype when we can, DS will recognize his grandparents and really notices when his grandpa sings him a song. We set Skype up when we feed DS so that they can watch him eat and be involved at dinner times.

I hope that you can find something that brings you comfort and feel closer than you actually are.

oneblessedmess · July 2013

I'm in a similar boat... My family is 4 hours away and his is 15 minutes. The funny thing is, we went to university together, and when DH graduated he got two job offers - The one close to his family, and another one that was 45 minutes from my family. We talked it out, and in the end we knew that we would both be happier with the job that was closer to his family (better benefits, and he isn't stuck behind a desk like he would have been at the other job). It sucks being so far from my family but we had to do what was best for us.

Sounds like you two need to have a serious discussion. Yes, he says he is open to moving, but you can't just leave it at that anymore. You will never feel settled if the option to move is always there sitting on the table. At least if you two make a decision not to move, it will be easier for you to mentally get settled. And if you decide you really would be interested in moving, he needs to start looking for jobs in whatever area it is you are thinking of heading to. Having a baby doesn't "lock you in" to whatever location you happen to be living in when the baby is born, but it does make things that much harder.

C0602t · July 2013

I'm in a similar situation. I've always been very close to my mom and we unfortunately live 8 hours apart. In fact, my entire family lives far from me, I literally have no family in Maryland and my husband has everyone here! Aunts cousins parents etc...

Luckily I still manage to see my parents every 2 or 3 months. So I figure when we have a baby we will somehow make it every month! Our baby will be the first grandchild for both sides.
My biggest concern is jealousy as my husbands parents are very well off and my parents are just your average people. This was an "issue" when planning our wedding. I will just have to work extra hard to make our baby know who my mom is and how special they are to her!

PenelopePond · July 2013

All of my family is in Wisconsin or Minnesota. We live in Florida with all of DH's family in the same town. It's hard, and it sucks. Unfortunately, there's nothing to do about it. When I chose to stay in Florida for DH, I had to know this could happen. I can't force him to move by my family because then we'd be far from his. It kills me because I think my dad is the greatest guy ever, and I wish my boys could know him really well. He comes to visit once a year. We haven't been home in two years. Skype really helps.

Nechie122 · July 2013

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. Our parents live close to each other ... but DH and I live 900 miles away from them because of his job. We moved shortly after DD was born. I really make a point to try to visit every two to three months. It's expensive, but now we're racking up the frequent flyer miles so that helps.

I think you should sit down with YH and come up with a solid plan for the next two years or so. It could include moving closer to your family and when to start TTC. Since living close to your mom seems more important to you than living close to his family is to him, I suggest you consider that as a first choice. Living in the middle is the Solomonic answer that will make no one happy. Three hours is still a trek: you'll still need to set aside a whole day for for visits; you won't be able to see both families on the holidays; you won't be able to take advantage of extra helpers/babysitters. Plus, it sounds like there's nothing for your DH there.

I also don't think it's true that you can never move once you have kids ... or even that it's harder to do so. We'll almost definitely move at least once more. There's nothing that says you can't have your kids in one location and then move when it's time for them to start school, for example.

Rosebud2587 · July 2013

If you want a baby, have a baby and start your own family. I wouldn't not have a baby just because you don't live near your family. And also, you'll have your in-laws close by when you need help. It may not be the same but help is help and family is family.

With all the technology these days, long distance has become so much easier.

I skype with my parents weekly, post videos and pictures to fb, send email, phone calls, etc. I feel like they are still able to watch her grow up and be a part of her life even from far away.

55 · July 2013

My husband and I are from Minnesota and North Dakota. We met in college, and he got a job in Atlanta when he graduated. We did long distance for awhile, and when we got married, I moved to join him in Atlanta. We always thought we'd move back to Minnesota or North Dakota, but it's becoming increasingly unlikely. Friends and family in my career field can't find jobs there, and my husband is an airline pilot, so his options are pretty limited outside of major cities.

It kills us both to think about how our kids will grow up so far away from our families. It's not going to stop us from having children, though. It's definitely going to be harder because we will need to travel a lot to see our families, and our kids will likely not have their grandparents around for birthday parties and holiday concerts. And of course, we won't have a lot of help from our families when it comes to babysitting and day to day life - something most of my friends really take for granted, it seems.

rjeller32 · July 2013

My mom lives in Alaska, we live in Idaho. This year she saw DD1 for the second time, and the first time was when she was 4 months old. DD1 is almost 3. And when DD1 was under a year, we lived 8 hours from IL's, so we weren't near any family.

It doesn't bother me too much, but I don't feel I need to live in the same town of either of our families. We are happy where we are, and we make the effort to see both of our families as much as we can, and we expect them to do the same, and they do.

The only major issue it's caused is a jealousy from our girl's cousin, who lives on the same property as my IL's. She hates that when we come, the girls get a lot of attention, but my MIL has practically had to raise my niece, so she gets discipline from them, so I can understand.

I am sorry you are having such a hard time with it, I can't fully relate, but I haven't lived in the same town as my parents since I was 14. But, I do sometimes feel bad my girls don't have their grandparents there, and it sucks not having family to babysit for us haha.

BriRic · July 2013

I know how you feel! When my DH and I first got married, we were 12 hours from his family and 2 from mine. I honestly would rather be closer to my family than his and I'm sure most girls feel that way about her family. We moved a year ago and I am now 16 hours from my family, but we are 6 from his. We both really want to start a family, but when we first mentioned kids to my mom she kept saying how she didn't want to be a long distance grandma. I feel incredibly guilty being so far from my family and thinking of starting a family now. I know my mom will not like us being far away with kids, but we feel as if this place we are at now will be our home for several years.

I would say to focus on what makes you and your DH happy. Live somewhere that you guys will feel like you need to be. I know it's hard to say to not think about your family, but your happiness is most important. You don't want to bring a child into an unhappy environment. Sometimes it's ok to be selfish. Don't give up on having children if it's what you and your DH want.

My DH's brother and his wife have a 2 year old and they just moved, so moving isn't impossible with a child. Again, do what feels right for you and your DH. I hope you figure things out.

PunkyBooster · July 2013

Many people live far from family. Dh and I were in boston, near his family,for years. We moved to South Carolina, smack between my home state and MA. It has worked out pretty well for us aside from the crappy job market here but dh still works out if the Boston office.

I'd love to be 3 hours from everyone, honestly, though I greatly prefer my parents to be closer.

That being said, we always leave the door wide open to our options to move anywhere. In all honesty, our families don't play a huge part in our lives when it comes to that.

crystalmir91385 · July 2013

DH and I live about 10 minutes away from his family, and 2 1/2 hours from mine. I'm not particularly close with my family, but would love to have them closer for when DH and I do have a child.

As far as your situation, ask your husband to look for and apply for jobs that are in the middle. I would never move without knowing there was a job waiting for me. If he is willing, then you know he isn't just "saying things to make you feel better."

Also, would your mother be willing to move closer to you? I haven't asked my family, but I'm pretty sure mine (father and s-mom especially) would if they found jobs and a house. You may not necessarily want to ask, but it's worth hearing her thoughts.

And no, having a baby won't lock you in. Moving is obviously harder, but not impossible.

divinemsbee · July 2013

My H is in the military, so it's likely with his career we won't live near family. Compounding that is that most of my family lives in MS, while my mom and her husband live in UT. It's unlikely my mom will ever move back south. What we try to do now is coordinate our visits so we're both in MS at the same time. I know it will be hard for me when we have kids, especially because my grandmother is 91, in excellent health, and I want my future children to see and know her. I don't know your relationship with your ILs, mine is not good and I rarely see them. If it's good, remember that they're not trying to take your family's place, but it's okay to lean on them. My advice is to make home you and your H and your pets or kids. Where you guys are is home. When we go visit family, we're very conscious not to say we're "going home." Because our home is home. Try to make that. With the job market how it is, living far from family is becoming way more common. Most people don't have the option to move anywhere and just hope the find job openings.

LifeHappens2011 · July 2013

It sounds like a lot of people can sympathize with you. My family is 14 hours away and DH's family is 7 minutes. We have talked about moving half way but like you I think DH tells me what he thinks I want to hear but hopes I will forget about it. I should take my own advice here but I would suggest talking to him about it. If you do talk about moving halfway and he agrees to it. Start planning. Look for jobs around the area. Maybe not exactly halfway but close. Whatever he enjoys doing focus on that. If he likes gaming talk about finding a new house where he can have a mancave. Maybe he likes grilling show him houses with a great backyard. In the meantime maybe you can make weekend trips to see your family more often. And I know someone else said this but Skype is fantastic. When we skype my mom as soon as I open the computer DS knows what I am doing and he starts jumping around and squealing. Seriously he loves skyping his Grandma and Grandpa!

I have lived her for almost two years and it is finally starting to feel like home. Although I wanted to move I decided that being close to at least one set of Grandparents is better than neither. My husband refuses to move to Florida which is where my family is because he says it is too hot. Plus his company only has a few locations in other states so our options are limited. And he has a disease that requires monthly treatments and we have to be near a good Dr. for that. So due to all of those things I gave up he chance of us moving. We have a 8 month old baby boy and it is starting to feel like home here. I would say don't not have a baby because you don't necessarily want to stay where you are. One day you may wake up and realize that your house became a home. If you love your husband and know that you want to have a family with him then where you live with him shouldn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Hang in there girl.

Want a personalized experience?

How to deal with living far away from family

Re: How to deal with living far away from family

Choose Another Board

Search Boards