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dmndsr4eva
member
Is it possible to "coparent" without ever talking?
dmndsr4eva
member
So given that the old GF is out of the picture and BD seems to still be acting the same way (no communication at all). I'm left to ponder what will happen if he never speaks to me again. It just blows me away that he intends to raise our son for the next 15 years without having a single communication with me. Anyone else experience this?
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Re: Is it possible to "coparent" without ever talking?
On a different note I think it is now becoming obvious that your ex is the issue when it comes to communication and it was not all his girlfriends fault. I am hoping you can realize this and realize he is not the man you wanted to marry and move on. I guess if you are right and he is back with his ex wife it could be good for your communication.
BM and DH rarely talk and only when it is absolutely necessary. I honestly don't think they need to talk more because she refuses to listen to anything he says regarding parenting SS so if she is talking to him it is only to tell him how much she hates him.
FTR, I think it's funny that you were so he'll bent on blaming the GF for the reason he wouldn't talk to you. All your posts blamed her for his lack of communication when really he just didn't want to deal with you and it had nothing to do with her at all.
Winner! The "plastic" GF wasn't the issue -- your X is the problem. Well, you are too, but you'll never see that so I won't even waste my time on it. What did you expect, that he'd all the sudden want to talk to you all the time now that he's single again? Stop worrying about things you have no control over.
XH is going on 3 weeks without communicating with DS. (We've switched weekends around so he'll have him the next 2 weekends in a row, after not seeing/speaking to his child for a month). I don't communicate with him unless it's necessary and relates to DS. There's no need for it.
She was hoping it was all the evil new girlfriend's fault and that once she was gone X would see how amazing she was and they would get back together and live happily ever after. The End. (Sorry for the awful run on sentence......)
This!
As for co-parenting, I believe it can be done, but not done "well". I guess if you are heavy and efficient emailers or texters, it's possible. I am in the same boat as you, as far as when we separated and how old our son is, and we had to talk constantly, as our son was too little to communicate effectively. Most communication was via email, but we did have to talk some. As he's gotten older, and can relay information (albeit, the truthfulness is questionable), we still need to talk, but less often. When our son gets sick, behavior changes (terrible 3s!), and we want to make sure we respond in a consistent manner in both homes, I don't find a text or email can convey what a 2min convo can. I also find out a lot of information from our talks about our son that helps with more than what I was calling about. We are not "friendly", so we never stray from talking about co-parenting (he's never asks how I'm doing, and vice versa), but it still helps to talk.
However, like all parenting, I have found that people on here do things very differently and can get positive results, so I'm interested to hear what others have to say.
This. What is there for two people to talk about who will absolutely never agree on anything?
Dh pretty much only speaks to BM via text regarding schedules. Does this benefit SS? No but honestly you can only push someone so far before they disengage. Our goal is to survive the next 9 years having minimal contact with BM then to lose her number and move extremely far away from her. She is a truly unfortunate person.
I think that in some situations, yours included, the real question isn't what you asked.
The real question is "is it possible to coparent"?
In our situation (DH/BM) it is not, so they do not speak. She is a screamer/insulter and follows through on nothing they discuss.
In your situation, there are quite a few issues preventing coparenting from occurring, not least Ex's desire to be engaged and your desire to get ex back (which may further repel him from parenting).
It's not about talking or not, it's about the viablity of coparenting, at all.
Even though DH and BM do not verbally speak. The times he has attempted to inquire via email/text about the kids...be it health related or education, it is all met with NO response. Yet when we have the children she suddenly knows how to text/email.
He has learned to work AROUND her. I don't think this is going to be healthy as the children get to the dreaded teenage years. I KNOW this is going to cause problems.Even in the intact family dynamic, kids will play parents against one another to "win" whatever it is they are desiring. Couple that manipulative tactic with two parents who don't communicate and I see disaster written all over the future.
Win! Exactly. In our case, it is not possible for BD and I to coparent. I try to inform him on anything new about DS, but BD refuses to get along. For instance, when DS was completely potty trained I let BD know that DS isn't in diapers at all anymore and he will need to buy underwear for him for his house. His response? "Oh I know, he hasn't been in diapers here for over a month" For one - not true, for two - he couldn't just say thanks for letting me know. So we don't coparent. And Dmnds, I don't ever think it will be possible for the two of you to coparent either. You just try not to make things harder than they already are - did you hear that? TRY NOT TO MAKE THINGS HARDER THAN THEY ALREADY ARE. And get by the best you can.
I think in some situations there has been too much damage to ever effectively co-parent, let alone talk. It sucks, but it's true.
In my situation, BM has manipulated K and has filed false DVRO and made horrible accusations against DH, myself and my children. How do you co-parent with someone who is so bitter and vindictive that they can't understand what is actually in the child's best interests? BM deliberately hides information that comes home from school and won't allow K to bring homework over here to work on while she's here. You can't co-parent with someone who is always maintaining their own needs and wants above what is genuinely best for the child. Anytime DH tries to talk to BM about anything, he is met with hostility and bitterness. So we no longer try and talk to BM. Now we talk directly to K's teacher about school related issues, we talk directly to K when she repeats things that BM has told her and we talk with the other parents at school about events and playdates. We have cut BM out of the equation.
In your situation, I think there has been so much damage and bad mouthing and vengeance... It's going to be a very long time before BD is willing/able to talk to you about anything. You have been blaming his GF this whole time, and I think the first step in trying to repair a civil relationship is to admit that you were a big part of the problem. And you don't need to know and/or care about his personal life in order to co-parent. Co-parenting is being able to say, "DS has a Dr appt this week but I can't go, will you be able to take him and fill me in on what the Dr says?". All discussion should be about the child and that's it. Also, GF has been "out of the picture" for like, a week. What communication is really needed right now? Co-parenting doesn't mean you talk everyday, only when things come up regarding DS.
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I think this is the most important thing for her to learn.
Let's not get carried away. She's only been gone for about a month or so. Things could improve in the next few months with her gone.