Things people say

IdigDirt · July 2013

Why is it when you tell people you are trying to get licensed to foster/adopt they want to tell you all about their friend's cousin's mom's sister who adopted a kid who killed her in her sleep?

I feel like this is pregnancy all over when all people want to tell you about is how they were in labor for 89 hours and they ripped from end to end then their kid had colic for 12 years. Why can't people just say something nice or nothing at all?

Do you all have the same issues with negative people or do I just surround myself with negative people?

IRR · July 2013

Kind of like when my mom told me about all of the success stories with IVF and I tell her for every success there is at least that many failures. People only hear what they want to hear and most people only share good news. When it comes to foster/adopt, they only hear the horror stories vs any good ones. Ignore the comments or educate the people you want to be educated. My latest line has been Steve Jobs was adopted and Dave Thomas came out of foster care. There are success stories with people whether adopted or not and there are horror stories with people adopted or not. We have friends who have a bio daughter that has provided them with so much grief we are convinced you never know what you are going to get, you just need to love them unconditionally.

fledgegrl1 · July 2013

Oh, it is absolutely not you. Those people are everywhere. Much like the ones who hear you are trying to adopt, and feel compelled to tell you about the 101 people they "know" who adopted and then got pregnant. Not helpful!

Mush-Tastic · July 2013

Yep. When we first started our adoption process that's all I heard about. Birthparents taking people to court to get their child back, crazy situations that seriously like NEVER happen, people make stupid comments about adopted children they know being "actually really smart" or "surprisingly really well-adjusted." I've learned to shrug it off. It's all out of people being completely uneducated on the subject. And maybe those things DID happen, but I think they're just trying to relate to the choices we've made to build our family and they don't mean any harm by it. But it doesn't make it any less annoying.

Dr.Loretta · July 2013

You'll see them everywhere. I got:

From the nurse at our PCP's office: "Oh, my friend adopted 2 kids. They turned out great, they're really smart." With a tone like that was highly unusual for an adopted person

From my ob/gyn: "Oh, now that you've adopted, you'll get pregnant. It happens all the time:

From the lady at the health food store: "Oh, you adopted her when she was 2 days old? So it's like she's almost yours"

From a friend of DH's: "I know the name of a good adoption lawyer if you want to adopt again. He doesn't do open adoptions; you won't have to deal with the birthmom"

From my mom's ICU nurse: "Oh, the birthmom didn't know she was pregnant? (mom blurted that out in a pain med fog). Was she from the South?"

From various family members: "Oh, her birthmom is going to want to run away with her"

Don't even get me started on foster care misconceptions

I loved this article about questions from strangers

https://www.raisinglittles.com/2013/03/adoptive-parents-dont-miss-your.html

MagickalNarwhal · July 2013

People are terrified of adoption and I think that's how it comes out. I heard those comments as well. And I think it is even worse than the labor horror stories...people feel OK talking about how a CHILD will be fundamentally damaged....I guess a real parallel to labor/birth horror stories would be talking about failed matches or difficulty in the process, but most people don't know anything about that. It's different to talk about the *child* vs the process.

IdigDirt · July 2013

I hear the once you adopt you will get pregnant one all the time though that isn't an issue for me. I did get asked "Why do you want to foster/adopt? Can't you have your own?" and when I donated eggs people would tell me all the time that the children would come after me for child support all the time. I just people would keep their mouths shut about what they don't know about. I understand they are trying to relate but it comes off as so rude. The "almost like she is your own" would have made me smack someone.

Keri Marie · July 2013

People just don't know what to say and being negative is easier than being positive. Also if they hear a negetive comment about adoption/FC that means they are protecting themselves from a horrible situation instead of being guilty of not caring and being selfish.

ellekae · July 2013

Sorry people are being awkward and rude to you! That's so annoying. I think this kind of thing happens because drama is memorable. You may see children who were adopted, birth moms & families, foster kids, etc. all the time and not know it because everything looks "normal." It's the horror stories that stick in your mind, you know?

I can't count the number of times that people have said awkward things to me. A friend recently said, "I hope you have another one of your own, you know, one that's really your own." People who don't deal with adoption on a regular basis just don't have the phrase "biological child" on the tip of their tongue.

Just smile, take a deep breath, and educate people about adoption (if it's the time and place for it).

Kirstybaby · July 2013

I'm sorry! Sometimes people need filters--even if they are well-intentioned it comes out wrong...and especially those times when it is ill-intentioned and they're just being plain old rude.

One of the things that I've learned just from being on the receiving end a lot of "mean girls" or having people say unkind things to me regarding my business is to have thick skin and a soft heart. Even though it's hard as a woman not to be hurt or take it personally, you just have to recognize that the problem is with the other person...not you (thick-skinned part). But, keeping a soft heart means that you don't let their words twist you or make you bitter. You still be true to yourself and what you are called to do.

Unfortunately, mean girls will always be around (as I referenced in the check-in this week, LOL), but don't let them win by tormenting you!

kfourcat · July 2013

My Mother in Law said almost this exact thing when we told her we were adopting. I just simply said, "don't say anything to us that you wouldn't say to your pregnant daughter". My husband straight up told her to mind her own business.

kfourcat · July 2013

Oh, and I'm actually leaving my gyno because she said, "You're adopting? Are you sure you don't want donor sperm? Just make sure you don't get one of those Russian kids"

I was speechless, will never go back. This from one of the best doctors in town!

Weadoptx3 · July 2013

I get a lot of, "Aren't you worried the Mom will try to take them back?" Excuse me, I AM the mom! Tongue Tied

I know ABC made for TV movies are all about the drama of BM's trying to take their babies back. Unfortunately out of all the hundreds of adoptions every year, all people hear/know about are the .5% that go wrong - usually because someone didn't cross all the t's and dot the i's. I've tried to educate folks on this, but it's an uphill battle.

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