NBSR: Significant others at weddings

SingleMom31 · July 2013

So, while lurking over on The Knot and being kindly informed that etiquette doesn't apply to special snowflakes, I got thinking and could use your opinions.

How do you differentiate between who's invited as a couple and who isn't? What I mean is, SO's mom has been with her SO for 20 years, but they're not married... Obviously, they're invited as a couple. On the other hand, I have a friend that's ''seeing someone,'' but they've been on literally three dates, I haven't met him, and I'm not sure they'll still be together in two months... While it would be gracious to invite her as Jane and Guest, I'm not sure budget or space allows. Am I allowed to draw a line somewhere, and if so, where; or do I have to start cutting people that I do care about to allow everyone else to bring a significant other?

cole2144 · July 2013

If space and money are tight, I would only invite people to bring a guest, if they are married. Your SO`s mom is not a regular guest, she is your soon to be MIL so I don`t think that rule applies to her.

Valie18 · July 2013

SingleMom31:
So, while lurking over on The Knot and being kindly informed that etiquette doesn't apply to special snowflakes, I got thinking and could use your opinions. How do you differentiate between who's invited as a couple and who isn't? What I mean is, SO's mom has been with her SO for 20 years, but they're not married... Obviously, they're invited as a couple. On the other hand, I have a friend that's ''seeing someone,'' but they've been on literally three dates, I haven't met him, and I'm not sure they'll still be together in two months... While it would be gracious to invite her as Jane and Guest, I'm not sure budget or space allows. Am I allowed to draw a line somewhere, and if so, where; or do I have to start cutting people that I do care about to allow everyone else to bring a significant other?

Ya... that could get dangerous. There are a few safe-ish groups you may be able to apply different rules to: immediate family, extended family, wedding party (maybe), friends. For example you will invite your FMILs SO obviously but then you will want to invite the SOs of all immediate family IMO.

FWIW I think you should try and plan a wedding (location and budget) so you don't have to draw these lines.

EastCoastBride · July 2013

Space and money were an issue for me. I didn't invite people who weren't in a serious relationship to bring a date. 3 dates isn't serious. And most of our single friends knew plenty of others at the wedding. I think there was one person who didn't and I did make an exception for them.

Valie18 · July 2013

Joy2611:
cole2144:
If space and money are tight, I would only invite people to bring a guest, if they are married. Your SO`s mom is not a regular guest, she is your soon to be MIL so I don`t think that rule applies to her.
Oh, no no no. Engaged couples are invited together, per etiquette. And it should be extended to those living together and those together for quite awhile.

This absolutely. The rest is a grey area I think. (I know some people who have met and start living together the next month and expect everyone to immediately treat them as if they are married and it drives me bonkers.)

^ Sorry, that's the bonkers talking.

SingleMom31 · July 2013

A bit more background... We had our surprise baby girl last December, and it's more important for us to be married and officially a family for a whole host of reasons, than waiting until we can save for a big wedding that could include more people. We've trimmed out guest list as much as humanly possible to less than 50, settled on a restaurant for the reception that's very reasonable, and are foregoing some traditional aspects, like an engagement ring for me, to make this work. I know that the latter part might make some cringe, but given that the other choices were a ring and a courthouse wedding, waiting a fair while longer, or the ever awesome legal wedding now and vow renewal with big party later thing, this is what I'm most comfortable with.

What gave me pause was when a good friend asked where she could bring someone. I completely hadn't counted her as needing a plus one, since she moved out of her exfiance's house literally two weeks ago. My first question was, Oh, wow, you're seeing someone? Apparently three dates, but he seems nice so far.

It wouldn't affect that many people, only a handful really, but my other choice is to leave the handful of people off altogether. Well, unless someone has suggestions how to avoid the obligatory family invites... There's quite a few of those that I'd like to reallocate to dates. Lol.

dufferoo · July 2013

Care what Miss Manners has to say? (I know a lot of The Knot girls probably wouldn't

"A stranger is stalking wedding guest lists: The Guest Once Removed. this is not someone the bridal couple or their families thought to invite or who is likely to have any emotional attachment to the occasion. Pressure from people who regard a wedding as being a sort of prom that would be no fun without a date has created the expectation that single guests are entitled to bring their own guests.

Miss Manners is all for inviting coupled wedding guests as couples- indeed, there is a new rudeness, which she is trying to stamp out, of inviting only half of an established couple. Those who are married, engaged, or otherwise firmly attached must be invited in tandem to social events (as opposed to office gatherings, which are still office gatherings, no matter how many drinks are served). This is not the same as being expected to surrender control of a guest list to the guests themselves.

If the hosts are feeling generous, they can ask their unattached guests if there is someone they would like to bring, extract that person's name, and use it to issue another invitation..."

(From Miss Manners Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding)

rbtrumpet · July 2013

msspeedymarie:

In this case, then I would not invite dates for people who are not in long-term relationships. You've pared your guest list down to the bare bones already, you shouldn't have to cut more people so that a guy you've never met can come to your wedding.

For the friend who asked, simply say, "I'm really sorry, but we have very limited space, and we cannot extend the guest list." If she's really a friend, she'll understand.

I mostly lurk on this board, but wanted to say, I totally agree with the bolded!

I was invited to a friend's wedding. I had just started dating DH (maybe about 2 months into our relationship). I did ask her when I RSVP'ed if I could bring my boyfriend (which she didn't know we were dating, apparently). She said exactly that to me, space was limited, and she couldn't add anyone else. Was I sad that I couldn't bring him? A little. Was I upset or mad at her? no. I went, and had a good time with my friends who were there, and really just wanted to support her and her husband on their special day.

When I was on The Knot - the rule of thumb was you only HAD to invite couple that "had a ring" (engaged or married) - although, it's considered polite to invite couples who are in long-term-but-not-engaged/married relationships. (I'd say over a year).

cole2144 · July 2013

Joy2611:
cole2144:
If space and money are tight, I would only invite people to bring a guest, if they are married. Your SO`s mom is not a regular guest, she is your soon to be MIL so I don`t think that rule applies to her.
Oh, no no no. Engaged couples are invited together, per etiquette. And it should be extended to those living together and those together for quite awhile.

Oh I think that goes without saying, for weddings, engaged basically means married to me anyway.

jy725 · July 2013

In my area the rule of thumb is if the SO is live in or the couple have been dating for some time (1 year +), they should be invited as a couple.

nicholssquared · July 2013

Okay, I'm a BSB lurker, but I just have to say that I posted on the Knot thread because those snarky ladies were convinced that even though the bride made a fax-pas and didn't invite OPs SO of many years, that makes it okay for the OP to call the bride to demand that he be invited. Yuck. It's the bride's final say who to invite - just decline! They were also arguing that "the bride deserves to know why I'm no longer speaking to her." Uh, no. You don't owe the bride an explanation unless she asks! /facedesk

On topic, I agree with the above. DHs and FIs, SOs very committed relationships are 100%. It's the best form to invite all your single guests with a "and guest" if you are able (I did at my wedding, and one of my friends RSVP'd +1 when she was completely unattached saying, "I'll find someone! lolol" /sigh. But, what do you do? I just smiled and nodded, hehe), but if you are obviously not able, then a heart-to-heart conversation explaining your situation should be sufficient. Since you're obviously trimming your guest list to the bare-bones already, the friend in question will probably be happy to be there to celebrate with you and your DH regardless of if she gets to bring her BF because obviously you guys are pretty close.

GL with your wedding!

Texasmomma13 · July 2013

When I was planning my wedding my guideline was that they had to be exclusive. However, there were very few people who this even applied to so it wasn't a huge deal for us.

Empireceo · July 2013

Joy2611:
Eh, it's such a fine line and you risk upsetting people no matter what.
Let's start with the basics that you have to swallow: Yes, you're going to cut people you really want there to accommodate significant others you've never met. It's a fact of life. It sucks, but it's reality. It's also best to invite everyone with a guest, but that's up to you. Someone may end up engaged before your wedding - best to be prepared!
Some people use the year rule. Some people use the living together rule. Some use that horrific "no ring, no bring rule." Let me tell you why that last rule blows: I was almost not invited to a wedding where my husband (boyfriend at the time) was the best man because we were not engaged per the bride's parents' rules. Yeah. Guess which couple is now married and which couple is divorced.
I think you need to use discretion. All married, engaged, living together and couples together at least six months need to be invited together. If the couple considers themselves "serious," then you need to invite them together. It's up to them how they define themselves, not you. This isn't a time to pass judgment on someone's relationship.
If someone is truly single - as in, they haven't been dating anyone in awhile - then it's truly okay to invite them alone as long as they will know other people at the wedding. If they won't, it's kind to invite them with a guest. It's also kind to invite someone with a guest if they have to travel far to the wedding.
There's a lot of gray areas (oh yes).

I agree with all of these guidelines. I would just invite everyone without a long term SO with a +1 to be safe.

ArmyWife114 · July 2013

jociejones:
Care what Miss Manners has to say? (I know a lot of The Knot girls probably wouldn't
"A stranger is stalking wedding guest lists: The Guest Once Removed. this is not someone the bridal couple or their families thought to invite or who is likely to have any emotional attachment to the occasion. Pressure from people who regard a wedding as being a sort of prom that would be no fun without a date has created the expectation that single guests are entitled to bring their own guests.
Miss Manners is all for inviting coupled wedding guests as couples- indeed, there is a new rudeness, which she is trying to stamp out, of inviting only half of an established couple. Those who are married, engaged, or otherwise firmly attached must be invited in tandem to social events (as opposed to office gatherings, which are still office gatherings, no matter how many drinks are served). This is not the same as being expected to surrender control of a guest list to the guests themselves.
If the hosts are feeling generous, they can ask their unattached guests if there is someone they would like to bring, extract that person's name, and use it to issue another invitation..."
(From Miss Manners Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding)

I agree with Miss Manners on this one. This is a wedding, not prom.

nicholssquared · July 2013

OP, I just wanted to say that I read what those horrible peaches just said to you about your wedding on the knot etiquette board, and I wanted you to know that they are all totally BSC. It's your wedding, you only get one and you're doing you absolute best to accommodate all of your guests without sacrificing EVERYTHING that's important to you about your special day (you've already sacrificed quite a bit). Those ladies are so entitled as guests that they wouldn't last 1 minute on the BSB where the emphasis is on making the host comfortable! I'm sorry these yatches are making you feel self conscious about your budget and choices. Sorry, but if you gave up your ENGAGEMENT ring so you could accommodate more people on your day, nobody should tell you that you have to have a cake and punch reception too so that someone's short-term boyfriend can come.

The bride is allowed to invite whomever she wants to her affair, and the appropriate response from a guest is either to accept or decline. Period. In fact, your friend was pushing it when she asked about her date but I'm giving her a pass because you're obviously very close.

Vent = over, sorry. Hope you have a wonderful day!

Michelle N · July 2013

OP, I would draw the line. They may or may not even be together by the Big Day. I prefer all adults get a plus one, but I think it's really ok in some situations not to.

I was living with my now-DH, for three years.. and wasn't given a plus one to a wedding I was invited to. I was so pissed off, I didn't go. They were on a budget, but I just felt like it was a slap in the face.

ordinary1 · July 2013

I would tell your friend that space is limited and your sorry but her boyfriend can't come. She will understand. I am sorry your friend put you in an uncomfortable situation.

SingleMom31 · July 2013

nicholssquared:

OP, I just wanted to say that I read what those horrible peaches just said to you about your wedding on the knot etiquette board, and I wanted you to know that they are all totally BSC. It's your wedding, you only get one and you're doing you absolute best to accommodate all of your guests without sacrificing EVERYTHING that's important to you about your special day (you've already sacrificed quite a bit). Those ladies are so entitled as guests that they wouldn't last 1 minute on the BSB where the emphasis is on making the host comfortable! I'm sorry these yatches are making you feel self conscious about your budget and choices. Sorry, but if you gave up your ENGAGEMENT ring so you could accommodate more people on your day, nobody should tell you that you have to have a cake and punch reception too so that someone's short-term boyfriend can come.

The bride is allowed to invite whomever she wants to her affair, and the appropriate response from a guest is either to accept or decline. Period. In fact, your friend was pushing it when she asked about her date but I'm giving her a pass because you're obviously very close.

Vent = over, sorry. Hope you have a wonderful day!

Lol. I'm more amused than anything. It's so wrong that it's laughable, except that these people exist in real life and they really act like this. That's just... scary.

Like most people, we have to make choices. I stand by my choices, and know that they're predominately related to providing the best and most stable home for our daughter. Suddenly things like not getting the same benefits if we're not married and something were to happen to SO become important, much more so than whether I have an engagement ring (I'll take a lovely anniversary ring in a couple years instead, which SO is already committed to).

Plus, while this is completely unbecoming of me, I'm taking comfort that they'll have fun coming over to the BSB in a couple years and being the special snowflakes that everyone gangs up on.

PS. Am I the only one who's SO would be relieved to not be invited? He's always willing to accompany me, but he'd hate to waste a night with a sitter for a wedding where he knows just me. He mostly comes to stuff like this out of obligation. Let him go out with the guys, I get a lovely dinner and cake and friends, and it's a win-win.

nicholssquared · July 2013

SingleMom31:
nicholssquared:

OP, I just wanted to say that I read what those horrible peaches just said to you about your wedding on the knot etiquette board, and I wanted you to know that they are all totally BSC. It's your wedding, you only get one and you're doing you absolute best to accommodate all of your guests without sacrificing EVERYTHING that's important to you about your special day (you've already sacrificed quite a bit). Those ladies are so entitled as guests that they wouldn't last 1 minute on the BSB where the emphasis is on making the host comfortable! I'm sorry these yatches are making you feel self conscious about your budget and choices. Sorry, but if you gave up your ENGAGEMENT ring so you could accommodate more people on your day, nobody should tell you that you have to have a cake and punch reception too so that someone's short-term boyfriend can come.

The bride is allowed to invite whomever she wants to her affair, and the appropriate response from a guest is either to accept or decline. Period. In fact, your friend was pushing it when she asked about her date but I'm giving her a pass because you're obviously very close.

Vent = over, sorry. Hope you have a wonderful day!

Lol. I'm more amused than anything. It's so wrong that it's laughable, except that these people exist in real life and they really act like this. That's just... scary.

Like most people, we have to make choices. I stand by my choices, and know that they're predominately related to providing the best and most stable home for our daughter. Suddenly things like not getting the same benefits if we're not married and something were to happen to SO become important, much more so than whether I have an engagement ring (I'll take a lovely anniversary ring in a couple years instead, which SO is already committed to).

Plus, while this is completely unbecoming of me, I'm taking comfort that they'll have fun coming over to the BSB in a couple years and being the special snowflakes that everyone gangs up on.

PS. Am I the only one who's SO would be relieved to not be invited? He's always willing to accompany me, but he'd hate to waste a night with a sitter for a wedding where he knows just me. He mostly comes to stuff like this out of obligation. Let him go out with the guys, I get a lovely dinner and cake and friends, and it's a win-win.

You're being very gracious towards those peaches...lol

Your post made me laugh so hard. I can't wait until one of them is having a baby and comes over here to say something like, "Nobody's offered to throw me a shower because a p*ssed off my cousin at her wedding, so...I can make my mother do it, right? Or plan my own and invite everyone to bring me presents. And since I can dictate anything to whomever I want, regardless of etiquette, there will also be a diaper raffle and book will be collected at the door for admission (but, you don't have to bring a card! smiley)"

Stick to your guns. It's not the perfect situation, but anyone who thinks they'll have a perfect wedding day (and marriage for that matter) is delusional. You made the best choice you could with what you were given and it turned out to be a little bit of a sacrifice on everyone's part (but mostly yours). You're doing just fine!

FWIW, think if I had been with DH for a month and gone out with him three times, a night of drinking and dancing with people he didn't know might have been unpleasant for him. Especially if a lot of travel was involved.

laurakaz13 · July 2013

We invited everyone with a +1, but if I had to draw the line I would have done so at anyone 18 and over in a long-term relationship.

msmerymac · July 2013

If someone considers themselves in a relationship at the time your invitations go out, they should be invited together. So if a person would refer to the other person as their boyfriend/girlfriend, they get an invitation.

Your invitations go out about 8 weeks before your wedding, so obviously you'll need to be flexible in order to accommodate recent additions. Also, honestly, if someone starts a new, serious relationship a month or two before your wedding, I'd try to accommodate that person, but that's not as big a deal and depends on whether you have room.

Personally, I did invite everyone with a guest, which ended up being great. I had a friend who was in a relationship he wasn't comfortable admitting to at first (so I was unaware when invitations went out), but decided to bring his partner to the wedding. I'm glad I invited him with a guest! Similarly, if you have extended family you haven't seen in a while and have trouble getting a hold of them to see if they are in a relationship, inviting them with a guest covers your bases.

ETA: It's also nice to invite people with a plus one if they are traveling or won't know anyone at the wedding.

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